*SIGH*

So Gus made this awesome pizza for dinner and he was being all nice to me. He was like, "Do you want some ice cream?" And I was all, "No." Because I totally know what's going on. He's feeling sorry for me and I hate that. See, it's been a really hard week for me. First of all, Mother and Daddy came and told me that I'm basically broke. Ok, that's not really true, but I'm not getting any of the Nonnie's billions of dollars. Luckily, Daddy has tons of money and he still loves me, plus he smokes, so he could really go at any time.

The real reason I'm totally upset and why Gus is being nice to me is that Mims and Thad have moved. I don't even have anything else to say. I'm totally sad. I'm so sad that I'm probably going to have to go buy some shoes tomorrow. Rhett being in town hasn't even helped. He kept wanting to know about it last night and I was like, "Can't we just change the topic now?" He was all, "That bitch, did she just move without telling you?" And I was like, "No, I've known for months." So then he goes, "Why didn't you tell me?" And I'm all like, "Why does everything have to be about you?" So then we had a enormous fight in the Chuy's and that was not cute. I don't know why he thinks I'm supposed to tell him everything - especially stuff that actually matters. That's not what friends do! Seriously.

Anyway, I'm so sad that I'm not even bored by all my new stalkers. For some reason everyone's all in love with me again. Not that they ever really stopped but it does seem to come in waves. Some of them are more interesting than others, but really a stalker is a stalker, seen one you seen them all - especially if your security detail has pictures of all them.

Effing EFF!!!

Holy crap, you guys! I am freaking out. So, as you know, Mother and Daddy showed up the other day, which I thought was for the holiday, but it turns out they had news. Bad news. Super-effing-BAD-EFFING-News. Like I know people who've gotten bad news. Like when Lupe died, that was bad. We were bummed for like days. And when my first PA got hit by that car, that was bad. Especially since she said it was my fault and sued me, so it was bad and it pissed me off. But this news, I don't even know what to do about it, I mean I am like GRIEF-STRUCKEN. Or whatever.

It seems that Daddy's Papa, Nonnie (that's not his name, that's just what I call him) anyway, Nonnie thinks I'm bringing "shame" to the family, so he's rewritten his will so that it all goes to some charity. What. The. Eff.? Kitten is way worse than me and she's Daddy's too! At least I wear my underpants when I go out!

Of course, I inherited almost all of Grandmamma's estate, including The Compound, so it's not like I'm going to be poor or anything. I mean, don't worry about that! But like I always figured that Daddy's Daddy would contribute too. I don't know why Mother's family has to be the only generous ones!

Needless to say, this has totally ruined my whole week. The only good news is that right after they told me, they packed their bags and left, so that was awesome. I told Knute and he was like all philosophicky or whatever and he goes, "We have plenty of money. What are you worried about?" Well, ok, first of all, I'm worried that Knute is saying "WE" have plenty of money. I know what I pay him (I think. I need to check with the accountant) and "HE" doesn't have plenty of money. "I" have plenty. So that's a problem right there.

See, this whole thing is making me think, and you all know how much I hate that.

Holy Shit

So this morning, I was just lying around and talking to Mr. Cat. And suddenly Knute comes hauling ass into the Master Suite with the phone in his hand. Well, he was freaking out and he knows how I hate that, plus it made Mr. Cat jump off the bed which really pissed me off. That reminds me that this new cat has turned up at The Compound. He's all white and really pretty. His eyes are yellow and he's super lovey. Mr. Cat isn't as excited about this new one as I am. I think I'm going to call him Polar Bear. Isn't that a funny name for a cat?

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, so Knute comes tearing in the door and whispers, "You parents are here." I was like, "What?" And he goes, "They are at the gate." Well, we were freaking out, I don't mind telling you. Turns out Mother and Daddy decided to show up for that holiday that's today or tomorrow or whatever. So I threw on some Juicy Couture (which is totally NOT couture, by the way. I'm pretty sure there's no such thing as elastic in real couture) and scooted downstairs to meet them in the foy-yay. I hate it when they come to visit. It's so like nervewracking. So now me and Knute have to be on our very best behavior which is way boring. Mother was walking all over checking for dust, then she went to the guesthouse to unpack. Meanwhile, Daddy went to the mediaroom and started looking for football. He's staying in one of the guestrooms in the Main House. Mother brought her spiritual guide, Nathan Redcloud, so I guess the yoga dude is gone. Anyway, they are staying in the guesthouse which Gus thinks is funny, but I'm not sure why.

Anyway, Happy Christmas, that's what Knute tells me it is.

Me

Here's the thing. Apparently there's some sort of holiday coming up. I was lounging around the media room last night and Knute comes in and goes, "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas."

Except he was singing which was not cute. So I go, "What?" Really just to make him stop singing. He's all, "Christmas, remember how we have that tree in the ballroom?" I was like,
Yeaaaaaa." So I guess it's been a whole year since we did all that shit last year. So I go, "Did I shop this year?" And Knute goes, "Of course!" So now I'm bored by Christmas. I might go out today to shop just because, you know, I like to do that.

You know what I don't like? Please who are scared. I'm not scared of anything after all that therapy in the attic. Like I'm not going to go into the all the gorey details, but seriously I'm so sick of people. It's a good thing it's cold right now because if it was warm and people were swinging by to hang at the pool, I would totally go apeshit. I think this time of year you are supposed to be thinking about others, but they make me so furious, I'm just going to think about myself because that makes me happy.

Sun Dried Tomatoes Make Me Furious

Ok, so here's the deal. On Tuesday, me, Yoli and Knute were out and about doing some stuff. We almost had a car wreck and died. Everyone's ok, but like now I'm thinking about stuff. And you know how I hate that. So turns out that for lunch that same day, we had Italian and I passed on a dish because it had sun dried tomatoes in it. Like why would you dry out a tomato? They are awesome. I can totally see drying a grape (raisin) or a plum (fig) but tomatoes are awesome on their own. So anyway, while the car was spinning around and I was sort of thinking we were going to die, I was going, "Fuck! I should have just told them to substitute fresh tomato and had what I wanted." Not that the gnocchi wasn't awesome, it was. But you guys all know how I love spinach - even after losing Lupe, I still do! So here's the thing, now I'm just thinking about how sun dried tomatoes could have ruined what little time I had left on the world, which really turned out ok, since we just totalled the Range Rover and now I can get a new car!

Also, why are dried grapes "raisins" and dried tomatoes are just "dried tomatoes"? I think they look sort of like a vadge, so you could call them that. "I'll have the polla florentine with vadge." Not that I would do that, since I hate sun dried tomatoes, but you could.

So the other thing I'm thinking about, which I hate, is the whole "What am I doing with my life thing?" (Besides buying a new car! Something awesome, but I don't know what.) Good thing Rhett is in town so I don't have to think for the next couple of weeks!

Boys

Ok, turns out food banks are all about canned goods, but I was thinking it was just where you put your cans to keep them safe. Not so much. Anyway, we got it all straightened out. Gus isn't mad anymore and Knute finally stopped laughing. He's so weird.

I heard from Rhett today. I thought he was still on tour, but it turns out he's home already for the holiday. I'm super excited, I mean, I don't bother getting excited about much of anything, but I really want to see him. He's awesome. We have all sorts of glamourous red carpet stuff to do for the next few weeks. It will be super boring.

WHAT A WEEKEND, PEOPLE

Ok, turns out a food bank is where poor people go to get charity. Not like a place for canned goods. Knute had to explain to me. Gus isn't mad anymore

Here's the thing, though, people. My friend Waff, he's super nice and whatever and he told me he was moving this weekend, which is awesome. USUALLY. I love to watch those big strapping guys come load up all your stuff in that giant truck and then they drive away and by the time you are done with vacation in Nice, your house is all unpacked. Love that.

Yea, well, that's not how Waff moved. First of all, I had never been to his old place, so I saw that first and it was like horrifying. I mean he had a gate and all, but once you got inside the gate, it was something called "apartments." Like whatever! We have a flat in London that is kind of like an apartment, but it's 4 stories! This was like 5 rooms. I kept walking around going, "Oh.My.God. Where's the bar? Where's the media room? Where's the library?" I was freaking out!!! Waff was like, "Shut up and help me carry this sofa to my truck." I was all, "What? I don't think so. I just had my nails done." I have no idea what he was thinking inviting me into a place like that. So anyway, I was thinking maybe his new place would be awesome, like on the lake or at least a golf course. No. It's in a neighborhood. There's no gate, no security guards, no nothing. He wanted me to go to someplace called Bed Bath and BeYawned, but I was scared to leave the Maz on the street! Hellow, I'm pretty sure those people were middle class. Daddy says you cannot trust the middle class. I'm not really sure who is middle class but I am terrified of them. So anyway, we went to that bed place because Waff wanted a shower curtain, I was all, "Isn't your shower glass-enclosed?" He was like, "No." I was like, "!" That means I'm speechless as I'm sure you remember.

Anyway, that store was just terrible. It was tiny, there were no personal shoppers and you had a push a cart around. It was almost like the grocery store, only worse. Then he wanted to go to The Target, which was crazy! It has groceries AND shower curtains. I was losing my mind. Finally I was like, "Waff, I gotta go, this is too bourgeois for me!" And I don't even know what that means!!!

Anyway, he suggested a burger and a beer, so that was fine, but now I'm thinking I'm going to have to rethink my whole friendship with him, I mean, if he's middle class and the middle class is the enemy, then I'm pretty sure Waff is my enemy. HOLY CRAP.

This is all very confusing. My head is spinning. I couldn't wait to get back to The Compound. Now I'm sitting in the Master Suite with Mr. Cat and I'm seriously freaking out, people.

Whoa!

Ok, turns out Gus was NOT happy about me getting him a account at the food bank. I don't know why but he started talking about working hard for every damn cent he makes and he don't need no charity and how I am a idiot.

It was very upsetting.

I go, "Gus, it's a bank! For food." He just turned away from me. Now I'm scared he's really mad and he's a convict people.

Damn People!

I have been totally busy since the last time I wrote. Me and Mims went to Duran Duran and they were awesome. Turns out they aren't girls but totally old men, which was kinda weird but whatever! We had a blast. Harvey dropped us off at the VIP entrance but when the show was over there were all these yellow cabs outside and we had to walk like a block to find the Bentley. That was super boring. What is the point of the VIP entrance if it isn't also a VIP OUTRANCE?

So Yoli, my publicist, says that I need to "rehab" my reputation. Like we haven't tried THAT before. So anyway, she set up all these photo ops for me this week with homeless people (yuck), sick children (gross!), and like I don't even know what was wrong with some of those people, but it was nasty. I was helping to distribute food to some bank - I don't know why a bank needs food since they are all about money and should be able to buy their own food. Whoa! Now I'm confused big time.

I just called Yoli and she says the bank was a food bank. I'm like, "I should get Gus an account!" She says I can't but I'm pretty sure I can. I'm very persuasive.

Anyway, now I am totally tired and just lounging around The Compound. It's kind of cold and windy so we're going to have chili tonight! I can smell Gus making it downstairs. It smells awesome. I need to go down there and tell him I got him a account at the food bank, he'll be so happy!

Ugly Girls

So like I just got home from Mims and Thad's house. One of their kids had a birthday. I don't know which one. I just brought an envelope with a couple Benjamins in it. Everyone likes money, right? Even 4 year olds.

So Mims was all excited because some band she loves is coming to Austin, Duran something. She was like, "You wanna go?" And I was like, "I'm totally sure I have tickets to that lying around The Compound. I get tickets to everything." So I called Knute and was like, "You know that band, with the girls?" And he goes, "Bananarama? Vanity 6? Appollonia? Salt 'n' Peppa? Spice Girls? Cheetah Girls? Destiny's Child?" I was like, "Shut up! I don't even know what you are saying!" So he got all quiet and I go, "That band with the really ugly girls-" And he jumps in, "The Bangles? Seriously the only decent one was the lead singer and the others you'd have to put a bag over their heads-" I was like, "SHUT UP!" So he did. I think he's been drinking espresso again. I told him not to do that at night. He'll probably be up all night rearranging the furniture or changing his filing system or something. I won't get a wink of sleep. What the hell does that mean? I mean, when I sleep I close both eyes and a wink is only one eye, so how could you be asleep if you are winking? Some stuff really confuses me.

Ok, what was I talking about? Oh yea, so I go, "Knute. Focus. That band with the really ugly girls, it's called Duran something." And then I thought Knute sucked all the air out of my house. I was all, "Are you ok?" And he totally whispers, "Duran Duran?" I go, "Yes, dang those girls are ugly. Anyway, we have tickets for that, right?" And I hear him digging through his file cabinet and he comes back and goes, "Yes. Four." So I'm like, "Me and Mims are going so don't through them out or sell them on ebay or whatever it is you do with all those tickets I don't use." He goes, "That still leaves two. Can I take Raphael?" (He has a new boyfriend I guess.) So because I am all magnetic or whatever, I was like, "Whatever. But Harvey is NOT driving you. And you have to stay on the other side of the Music Hall. Kay?" He was totally ecstatic. I don't know why, I mean, those girls are ugly.

So boring

You know what's so boring? The red carpet. I know it looks all fabulous and whatever, but it is boring. The flashes from the paps' cameras make me want to have a seizure, everyone is screaming, "Turn around, Cupcake!" "Let me see the back of your dress!" "Come over here!!!" I know my fans all know that I don't do red carpet interviews anymore after that distaster as Cannes a couple of years ago. Look, I didn't know the french didn't like to be called "frogs." Seriously! I have a frog that lives near the water feature on the property and it is kind of cute, it might be more than one because in the summer, those fuckers are loud! What with the peacocks and the frog and that raccoon with the purse, it's like a zoo here! Or something.

Anyway, I was talking about last night. I looked fab of course. The party was surprisingly fun. Like I was expecting it to be terrible but I actually had a good time. I guess it's because my life is to totally boring that anything is good, even if you have to walk the red carpet.

My Kickass Copper Highlights

Erica is awesome, it's too bad she's so selfish. I mean seriously, she made me wait until tonight to finally do my highlights. By the time I walked into her little salony thing, I was totally livid. I mean, I just kept getting madder and madder all day long, but I was going to keep my mouth shut until after she did my hair and waxed my brows and then I was totally going to kick her ass. Well, I guess she's scrappier than I thought, even with a broken nose. Bitch can punch, that's all I'm saying. I thought I could take her, but it was bad. I started worrying when she was telling me about her boyfriend getting peppersprayed and she couldn't stop laughing. I was like, "Whoa!" I mean, it was hilarious, but that's the guy she's dating! I mean, I would at least try to pretend like I was bummed out or whatever. Then she got mad because I wouldn't let her put any stuff in my hair and she started acting like a nut and I started thinking maybe kicking her ass wasn't such a good idea. But anyway, the cops had to come AGAIN to separate us which was totally boring. But at least no one went to jail tonight. My highlights look awesome too! I have her a Christmas bonus after the cops left.

Erica Is In Trouble, You Guys

So like here's the deal. Saturday was sucky and I didn't want to write about it on here because I am like totally mature or whatever and I don't want to make Erica mad because we all know what she did last time she was mad at me. Anyway, she was going to do my highlights on Saturday, but she called me and told me she "broke her nose" and was "too dizzy" to do my hair. Like whatever. What could I say? I was furious. So like all day Sunday I totally expected her to call me and be like, "I'm so sorry, let me do your hair today." Did she call? No. I like didn't even hear from her until I texted her today and was like, "WTF?" Look, I am like super important and if I make a hair appointment, I expect to get my hair did. Nobody cancels on me. I don't care if you broke your spine or whatever. Just cut my effing hair. So anyway, now I have to go late tomorrow and I'm all like, "That is usually when I nap." So it's totally not convenient for me, but I've got a red carpet on Friday and I can't be picky. But as soon as she is done, I'm gonna kick her ass.

Dreams and whatever

Holy crap you guys! I had a terrible nightmare today. Can it be a nightmare if it's not at night? I mean, I was totally taking a nap so it was afternoon but like it was a bad dream! Maybe that's what I'll call it instead of a nightmare...or maybe a daymare? That sounds like a horse. It was icky, that's all I know. Anyway, I dreamed that every single one of my cashmere sweaters had holes in them. I pulled out my baby blue one - hole. My sky blue one - hole. Pale blue one - hole. My teal one, my blue-green one, my green-blue one, my peacock one. I mean, I could go on and on and on (I have a LOT of cashmere sweaters, it's my signature garment this winter). Anyway, I woke up all in a sweat and had to jump out of bed and run to the closet to see if it was true or not. It wasn't, but I'm thinking no more naps after a plate of Gus' nachos. I'm pretty sure nachos aren't Mediterranean, but whatever. It took forever to check all my sweaters. I know it's Katrinka's fault because she told me the other day that she had a weird dream about my sweaters but I was too bored to ask what the dream was about, so if she dreamed I had holes in all my sweaters, I will freak out.

I just walked over to the servant's wing to ask her about her dream but she's out with her boyfriend who's a total loser, by the way. I think he was in jail over the weekend because she asked to borrow $15,000 and I was all, "Whatever." I know she won't ever pay it back, but since Lupe died she's been way less crazy, so you know, whatever - no big deal. While I was over there, I asked Gus if Mediterranean nachos give you daymares and he just looked totally confused. What a idiot.

The Ballroom

So I was just in the ballroom staring at my tree. Knute and Gus did an awesome job and I don't usually approve of anything they do - mostly because I don't understand anything they do. One thing Knute did that I was like dying over is the peacocks hidden in the tree. You can't really see them in that picture down there, but there are peacocks all over the tree. I have peacocks here at The Compound and those fuckers are loud. I still think they are super pretty though. I wonder if they make those shock collars for peacocks? I need to ask someone.

So the other day, Edgar took me up into the attic because he said it's not rationale for me to be afraid of my own storage area. I mean, I think that's awesome because I don't like to be scared of any parts of my house, anyway, I found a box up there that had a lot of Grandmamma's stuff. There were pictures and a fancy candelabrum and some tops and stuff. Mostly it was boring, but Edgar almost sucked all the air out of the attic "Cupcake do you know what that is?" He was holding up the candle thingy. I'm all "Um, like a candle thingy?" Edgar just put it down and said, "Cupcake, it's a menorah." I go, "A menwhata?" So then he told me this crazy story about oil and shit and I felt like I'd heard it before, but I was not even listening. Then I heard him say the word jewish. I was like, "Jesus Christ! I think my Grandmamma and Grandpappa might have been jewish whatever THAT means." So Knute was up there too, working on his issues with the attic, and he goes, "They are totally Jewish, they just pretended like they weren't." Well, I was like, "I don't pretend to be anything at all. I just am." Knute is all, "Not you, your grandparents and your parents." Well, I don't have time to be worried about what they were doing or not doing or whatever. I am all equal opportunity like I've been saying for like ever. But those two were acting like it was a big deal so I don't really figure I want to think about it. Because whenever people act like something is a big deal it usually means it's something complicated, so I'd rather not think about it.

I am super smart

Ok, so last night I went to that party at my super-smart friends' house and it was like crazy! Seriously, I don't understand why being so smart means you have to be so boring. For instants, everyone stood around talking. Like what is that about? No body shots, no dancing, no one puking out by the pool. I'm not ever sure they have a pool. I don't really know why they are my friends, to tell the truth. I don't even think they have PAs. Ewww.

So anyway, yesterday, Knute went out and got our Xmas tree. And him and Gus put it up before I left. When I got home, they had it all decorated already! I was like, "!!!" They put it in the ballroom this year which makes way more sense to me than putting in the foy-yay like Knute did last year. I mean that frigging ballroom is all empty anyway and no one ever even goes in there! I mean, I hardly ever use the front part of the house. Sometimes I forget that all those rooms are up there because mostly I'm in the Master Suite, the kitchen, the media room or outside. Maybe I should start spending more time in the library, the billiards room and the aviary. But seriously, I am not hanging out in that ballroom because there has never been a more boring room in the history of the world, for reals! Except for now, with the tree and all. I think they did a real nice job. It smells nice too.

I'm thinking about having a party this year. I just buzzed Knute and told him that his tree has inspired me to throw a party. See with Knute, you have to butter him up a little so that's why I started off complimenting the tree. Then he's like proud or whatever and he'll agree to anything else because he's totally not listening because he's thinking about how awesome he is. I am super smart! The last time we threw a big party for the holidays, Knute started planning back in June or maybe even earlier. That was soooo boring. So this year, I want to just throw something together that won't be like a big deal. More on this later!!

Thinksgiving!?

Holeeeeee crap you guys. When I woke up awhile ago, I smelled something awesome from the kitchen so I went downstairs to see what's what. Well, Gus was "all in a lather." My grandmamma used to say that and I have no idea what it means. I mean, he wasn't in the shower, but he was busy! I guess that's what it means. Anyway, there was food everywhere! I go, "What the hell is going on here?" And Gus goes, "Thinksgiving. What the hell do you THINK is going on here?" I was like, "!" Actually, I'm not sure he said thinksgiving. I mean, that doesn't even make any sense. You can't give your thoughts. Right? Although, I guess I sort of give my thoughts with my little bloggy thing, huh? Now I'm confused. I just buzzed Knute on the intercom thing and was like, "What is today?" So he didn't even answer, but I heard him blowing his nose or something honk sounding. (Please note that I did not write HONKY sounding, even though that's a perfectly acceptable word. I do not want to offend my sensitive white friends. Just like I'm super careful to refer to my black friends as "The Blacks." That's what they prefer, I've been told. And I refer to the orientals as "The Asians." Also my mexican friends I refer to as "The Brown Ones." Because I am like super-racially sensitive!!! And International!!!)

Well hell. Knute just came in and was like, "Hellow. It's November. It's THANKSGIVING." I was all, "Well that makes more sense!" I don't know why Gus has gotta make everything so complicated. Just say that. So that means we've got a huge meal today, which will be fun. I think Gus' kids are going to join us too. Which is crazy because I didn't even know he had kids! So it's going to be me, K-nut, Gus, his children, Katrinka and her boyfriend and whoever else stops by I guess. Knute says we have to put up the Christmas tree this weekend, but I don't see how we'll have time if we are eating all that food. It's like CRAZY!

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving or Thinksgiving or both, depending on your religion or color or whatever!!!

Ok, I am confused you guys!

Crazy! I've been getting messages from doctors and dieticians or dieters or something about how that Mediterranean way to eat is like super good for you. Somebody asked me to endorse some crap or whatever. Like I have time for that! I am busy you guys. And anyway, one of those doctors told me that eating like that Mediterranean diet is the way poor people eat in Europe or wherever the hell Mediter is. So the thing is this: Gus says that awesome new way we've been eating is actually that Mediterranean diet thing. So I was like, "Why is it so expensive to eat like poor people?" Because I accidently saw a receipt from the grocery store and that shit is like costly! Seriously. Who knew cheese was like a luxury item?

So my friend Waff is having a hard time and I was a super awesome friend and all supportive and shit over the weekend. I was like, "I would be my own best friend!" If I could. Not like you can do that, but still. He sure is lucky to get to listen to me being awesome. Especially since I'm awesome right there in front of him. A lot of my fans only get to experience my awesomeness through this blog thingy or emails or whatever.

More Stuff About Poor People Food

So Gus has decided that we are going to change the way we eat. He wants us to eat the Mediterranean way. At first I thought that meant taking off our shoes and sitting on the floor, but Knute says that's Japanese. So then I was like super confused, because I was already on the floor! Anyway, Gus says eating Mediterranean is all about fresh fruit and veggies and lots of olive oil and stuff like that. I was like, "I don't think so! I want my poor people food!" So I was furious and I guess he backed off for the time being. Last night for dinner, Gus made me an awesome plate of really pretty stuff: tomato, avocado, some nice cheese, little shrivelled up thingies Knute calls "dates" (which is hilarious) and some good bread with some dipping stuff that was awesome, like light green and clear. It didn't even have like a flavor except sort of like a martini garnish. I was totally in heaven because you can eat everything with your hands which everyone knows make stuff taste better, like onion rings. Anyway, I was like, "See Gus, that was awesome! Don't change what we eat! I love poor people food." And Gus was all, "That definitely is poor people food. Greek and Italian peasants!" And I was like, "That's what I'm saying! We don't need to eat that Mediterranean crap!" He was laughing a lot and that makes me happy. His teeth are real white.

F.U.R.I.O.U.S

Ok, so I was just sitting here in the atrium, minding my own business when my phone rings. Hellow. It's Rhett. Whom I totally love and actually dreamed that I was dating which was weird because he's like my brother so it was freaky. Anyway, he's all calling because that little Broadway show he's in is going to be sort of nearby - BUT NOT REALLY NEARBY - next week and he wants me to come see it. Like I haven't seen it a zillion times and like it's not in a sort of trashy town with a lot of Babtists. I don't even know what that is, but I do know that I don't care for them. Anyway, I totally told him back in August or September or something that I was NOT going to go see the show up there. Well, tonight he's all calling me going, "Everyone is furious that you aren't coming to see the show." So I was like, "Whatever." Then he started listing off all my fans that are in his little show and I was like, "I didn't really know I had so many fans." I mean, I'm not surprised, hellow, but it made me sort of happy to know I have a bunch of fans on a bus travelling around America, singing and dancing like crazy people. So I was like, "Get me a free ticket and I'll get Harvey to drive me up there." So then Rhett is all, "It's too late, I could have gotten you a seat last week, if you'd told me." I was like, "Whatever! I didn't know I had so many fans! Like if you had told me, I would totally have told you to get me a ticket!" So then he's screaming back at me, "Whatever!!! You told me told me you wouldn't come up there." So then we were both screaming at each other and I guess he drove into a tunnel because he's in Arkansas and I guess they lots of tunnels there - which generally I don't find very cute, because of this right here: His mobile phone dropped me. So then I had to be furious until he called me back and we were screaming at each other again and I was about ready to just hang up on him and he went back into a tunnel. I think it was a different one this time. So then I had to wait to scream at him until he called back, so I killed some time buying a ticket online which was super-easy, I don't even know why I've been making Knute do all my online stuff since it's so easy. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, so me and Rhett are furious at each other which is what always happens right before we get together, which is kinda weird. Whatever. It's so boring.

Crazy people scare me

So lately, I think I might have mentioned that there have been protesters outside The Compound. They've been there for like, ever and it is super boring. So today, I was coming back from the tanning salon and they were there, like they are every day and usually I just wave at them. Sometimes I make Gus take them sandwiches because those people are like serious. And it is awesome to have something you believe in you know? Anyway I thought we were cool, but today when I was coming back home, there was this crazy lady standing in the way of the gate, so i was like, "Ummmm. Need you to move, kay? Thanks!" But she just started yelling at me and I was like, "Whoa!" because she was using some bad words like dropping the F-bomb. So I started inching the Mas up to make her move and she started banging on the hood so I was like, "What the fuck?" Like who acts like that? For real. She had really crazy eyes and I was sort of scared. Like mostly the protesters are pretty cool, they know it's Daddy and not me so they are just there you know, out of like commitment or whatever. So I think that's ok. But I didn't sign up for crazy people. I totally don't know what that means since I didn't sign up for ANY people, but whatever. One of my governesses used to say, "I didn't sign up for this!" I hardly ever sign anything, except autographs. Anyway, I got out my iPhone and called Knute and I go, " There are crazy people outside The Compound." So he told me to go drive around the block which is hilarious since we live on a lake and I don't know how you'd drive around the block unless you had a boat or a hovercraft or something. Anyway I guess he called the cops because when I got back from being lost, they were there and they had the crazy protester lady in handcuffs. So I just waved and drove on in. That was way better.

Ok, member these awesome peacock satin D'Orsay evening shoes? Today I found a little satin clutch that matches! I am like, "Could life be any better?" Like everything is perfect!

I also have a new stalker. I think he's a drug addict or maybe a drunk, I don't know. I hope he doesn't get all crazy like all my other stalkers do. That is so boring.

So since Mims and Thad are having to move to Luxembourg, I was thinking maybe I could look for a castle there, since Daddy says I can still have one. I think Luxembourg sounds super cute, too. Like "Luxury". And I am all about luxury. Luxuryembourg. I'm pretty sure Luxuryembourg will have some castles because it is Europe and there are castles all over that place, for reals!

Hey, do my survey!

More About Poor People Food

Member how I used to talk about how I'm really black like on the inside? Well, I've actually decided I must be Mexican. The more I think about the more sure I become. Seriously, you guys! Member Lupe? I'm almost positive she was a Mexican, even though she said she was from somewhere else. Well, I totes loved her. I still miss her. Especially when Gus is making a GIANT pot of beans. I mean, I like a bean as much as the next celebritard, but seriously, he makes huge batches! And I try not to let myself think about why he's cooking in those enormous pots because I don't want to get all scared again. Like I don't know why I've been so scared lately. I need to ask Edgar because seriously, the Big Foot, Gus in jail, those crazy bats down by the lake...everything is scaring me lately. That is totally not like me at all! Normally, I don't even pay attention!

I FINALLY finish my community service on Saturday! Thank goodness! Today, I told Knute to call my probation officer and tell him that I would be late on Saturday because me and Mims have pedi appointments. Knute just looked at me and goes, "No. I'm not doing that." I was like, "What?" And Knute just put his little hands on his hips and goes, "No." I was like, "Give me the phone." So he finally gave me the phone, and I'm all, "What's the number?" So he wouldn't give it to me, but I am like super-smart so I called the 411 and asked for Travis County Probation and they totally gave me the number and so I was like, "I need to talk to Jerry." And so I got his voicemail and I was all, "Jerr, I'm gonna be late on Sats. Smooches!" Knute was like freaking out! "They are going to come take you to jail!" I was all, "Please!" But then the more I started thinking about it, the more I was thinking about racial profiling, which I think is where when you are driving down the road, the cops look at your profile to see what race you are. Anyway, I read that black people and Mexican people fit some kind of profile, so I got a hand mirror and I was trying to look at my profile in the bathroom and that is HARD, you guys! Like I don't look like that! So Knute came in and I was like, "Can you tell what race I am by my profile?" And so Knute just stood there for a minute looking at me like I was like crazy or something and he goes, "What do you think you are?" So that was like a question. I had to think for a bit. Finally, I'm like, "I used to be black, but now I think I'm Mexican." So Knute goes, "What makes you think you're a Mexican?" And I go, "I totally love bean and cheese tacos! Plus I speak lots of spanish and I still miss Lupe." So Knute takes this huge breath and he goes, "You aren't black and you are Mexican. You are a JAP." I was like, "!!!" because I was like super-speechless! I just stared at him for a minute and I totally whispered, "Oriental?" Well, I guess he had a asthma attack or something because he ended up lying on the floor, holding his side. I was super scared! AGAIN!!!! When he finally got up, he goes, "I have to go talk to Gus." So he totally left me and I tried to call Daddy and Mother and Kitten to ask them but no one was answering and now I am freaking out because I know you can tell Oriental people by their profiles and I'm pretty sure I'm going to jail.

OK, I Am Like Furious!

So I'm super livid right now. Mims and Thad are moving. Apparently, someone saw my post about how I didn't even know they had kids and called CPS so now they are under investigation for neglect or something. Maybe endangerment too, I wasn't really listening because Gus was making some awesome bean and cheese tacos and I love bean and cheese tacos. Gus says I should have been poor since I like poor people food so much. I'm like, "Whatever!" I don't think I would have been a very good poor person because I am like super-picky, just ask anyone! And I'm pretty sure poor people can't be picky, but I don't know for sure. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yea, Mims and Thad and those kids moving away. I guess there's no extradition with Luxembourg, so that's where they're going. Like whatever! That is going to be hard to go visit them because I'm pretty sure that's in Europe and sometimes I'm too bored to go to Europe.

So like, I guess I'm looking for a new best friend. Like who'm I gonna get my toes did with? And shop obsessively with? Mims was always up for that and now I'm gonna be lonely because sometimes I don't want to hang out with Knute. I feel kind of icky right now. I mean, I guess I sort of feel super-icky. Like my chest hurts and I sort of feel like crying and I'm not even hungover! That's usually when I feel like crying. Or when I don't want to apologize to someone I usually just cry, but I don't think I've done anything this time, I just feel icky.

My bean and cheese tacos were good, though.

Kangaroos are a little scary - what's with that pouch?

So I just decided I'm not even going to think about Big Feet or Chupacabras or aliens or kangaroos or anything. It's just too complicated. Here's what sucks: I've got some more community service tomorrow. I just really want that to be over already.

So I don't know why all my fans aren't filling out the survey! I mean, only 5 people voted and two of them were me! Well, me and Knute. We were reading together because sometimes I like to go back and read what I wrote out loud to Knute so he can tell me how smart I am.

So Daddy called and left me a voicemail about how he thinks the house in the Bahamas might be gone now because of Christmas or something, I wasn't really listening. I heard him talking about Noel and I think that has something to do with Christmas but I'm not really sure. Anyway, he says that he wants a place in Haiwaii. I don't care for Haiwaii, as I think I have talked about totally on my little blog thingy here so I don't need to go into all that again. But I'm totally furious because getting to the Bahamas house was easy and going all the way to Haiwaii will be a giant pain in my ass so I'm sure I'll never even go. So now I don't even have a beach house to go to and I am like livid. Plus the weather has changed here and I can't even lie by the pool so I'm totally going to lose my tan and that is not cute, you guys.

Chupacabras Aren't Scary

So I have a new fan. His name is R. Isn't that hilarious? Like who ever heard of an initial? He's totally stalking me. Which is fine, I mean, what am I supposed to do? Everyone does. So anyway, he sent me a message about the Big Foot and he was going that the Big Foot doesn't really live in Austin so I don't need to worry about it. Which was awesome, right? I was totally feeling better, but then he goes, "You need to be worried about the Chupacabra." So I was thinking that's that holiday that Grandmamma and Grandpappa used to celebrate in December, right? With the socks and the gloves and the underpants for like a week! Well, R put a link on his message so I went and read about it, thinking it was going to be about candles or whatever that was that was burning for way longer than anyone thought. But NO! The Chupacabra is like an animal, but it's a alien and a kangaroo and maybe a dog or it could just be a hoax. So I was like, "Duh, R, that is not scary because when you go to the yootoob you can't even watch movies of it that are scary." Not like the Big Foot anyway. Do you think more than one Big Foot would be Big Feet? Or Big Foots? Now I'm going to be worried about that because I am a writer and it is super-important to be like accurate and concise.

Nature and Shit

So ok, last night I was totally freaking out about that Big Foot thing and then I stayed up all night looking at the yootoob because there are little movies of the Big Foot all over there. So I've been freaking out and trying to avoid Gus because part of me wants to know about what happened when he saw the Big Foot but I'm sort of afraid to hear about it. So anyway, this morning, I was trying to sleep - and not! - and I heard some weird stuff outside, so I went out on the balcony and looked out and saw these fuckers sitting in a tree down by the lake. I was like, "WFT?" I've never seen those bats before. I mean like ever. I got Knute and I was like, "Look at those bats! I want one." Knute goes, "What is that?" So he got out some book with a bunch of pictures in it and found them. They are called caracara bats. They are kind of awesome. They fight alot and I should know because I watched them all day. See the whole idea of that Big Foot thing is just totally scary to me. Like I don't even want to leave my master suite at all. So I went downstairs a little while ago to see what was for dinner and someone rang at the gate, so I went to the security room and it was a bunch of little kids. So I was like, "That is awesome!" So I was going to go yell at them, but then Knute goes, "It's Halloween!" And I was like, "!" because I totally forgot. The Big Foot had me so wigged out that I totally didn't even think about that. So I was like, "Do we have candy?" So me and Knute went down to the gate and sat in some chairs and we were totally having a great time and then this kid in a gorilla suit came up and I was like, "WTF???!!!" So that totally ruined the whole night and I've been up here in my master suite since then. I'm so pissed.

W.T.F.?

That is something called a big foot. I'd never even heard of that shit until last night, me and Gus and Knute were sitting down by the fire pit drinking absinthe and smoking some weed and Gus goes, totally out of the blue, "Lemme tell you about the time I seen a big foot." I was like, "I see a big foot every other Saturday when Mims puts her big flappers in the water at the vietnamese place." And Gus sort of looked at me funny and goes, "No, The Big Foot." And I was all, "She's got Two Big Feet." Then I was laughing really hard and Knute goes, "Big foot. Don't you know about Big foot?" And I was like, "no" So Knute goes to get my cute laptop and pulls up this fucking picture. I almost plotzed! (My grandmamma used to say that, I have no idea what it means, but it sounds super suprised!) Anyway, I was like, "W.T.F.???" And then Knute started telling me all these stories and I was like, "!!!" As you will recall, that means I am super-speechless. So anyway, there we were - totally sitting outside - and I started getting scared. So Gus tells this story about how he and a buddy were out hunting and they came around a bend by a river and one of those things was standing there. I was like, "No way!" And Gus was all, "Yes ma'am." It totally cracks me up when he calls me "ma'am" - I mean, I'm like not old enough to be a ma'am. That's like my mom or maybe Lupe was a ma'am before she died. I guess she's still a ma'am, I mean, it's not like it would change just because you're dead, right? Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yea, Gus and the Big Foot. So anyway, Gus is telling his story and I was sort of thinking about Lupe and then I guess I was trying to be all imaginative and whatever so I was trying to picture the Big Foot and then I don't know what happened, but I totally was in the house. I got scared, you guys! I think it was the absinthe or maybe that weed. Anyway, I totally became convinced that Big Foot was outside The Compound and I was all about to call 911 and Knute was like, "WTF are you doing?" I mean, he was outside talking through the sliding glass door because when I ran in, I locked the door behind me, so Knute and Gus were both standing on the verandah going, "Open the damn door!" I was like, "I am about to call the cops!" And Knute goes, "Absinthe and weed are not part of you plea bargain." Which is totally true, so I let them in and then I was like locking the doors and I turning on all the flood lights outside. Why do they call them "floodlights?" I'm thinking in a flood, lights are like the last thing you'd be worried about. Shouldn't they call them like, "Really big lights" or something? Plus, I'm pretty sure in a flood the electricity doesn't work, so you couldn't use them anyway, right?

So the whole Big Foot thing scares me still and I am mostly sober right now. I put a Bigfoot video on my myspace page because I'm thinking everyone needs to know about this crap. Go look at it!

I'm Great At Everything I Do

Like could I have gotten more complaints about how I'm not writing enough? Like people, I am busy! Super busy. I don't always have time to write about how awesome everything is in my life. I bet a bunch of you are like worried when I don't write, right? whoa!

Ok, so here's what I was up to today. Me and Mims got pedis and then I was supposed to go see Erica for a haircute, but I got a terrible headache at the vietnamese place where we get out toes did. I'm pretty sure it's because I had to throw my Starbucks at the girl because she didn't already have my water drawn in the chair thingy. That's what she gets. Anyway, I probably needed that coffee because I had a terrible hangover. I don't know what I was thinking. Anyway, so I didn't go see Erica and now my hair isn't so cute, right now. I'll have to get her to cut it later on.

Here's the crazy part of the weekend: Mims showed up with a kid! A girl. I was like, "Who's that?" And Mims is like, "That's Clarence." I was all, "It's a boy?" And Mims goes, "No, stupid. She's a girl." So I'm all, "Well, who is she?" Turns out Mims and Thad have kids! I was like, "!!!" (that is like super-speechless!) because they actually have a whole nother one besides that one at the pedi place. Anyway, it was her birthday so she invited me to come to her birthday party - I was like, "I fucking guess!" I've been so totally boring lately that I can't even stand myself. So I was totally thinking a birthday party is like crazy and stuff, well, apparently not when its a birthday for an 8 year old. I mean, we weren't even that drunk. And the kids kept wanted to talk and I'd be like, "Please, get the fuck away from me. Can't you see I'm trying to drink here?" You would think those kids hadn't heard cussing before. Whatever, little prudes.

Some Awesome Stuff

You know what's awesome? A Twice Baked Potato. I don't know why if you baked it once you would want to bake it again, but I don't even care! It's good. Gus made me one and it like tasty.

It's cold here today! Like finally! Good thing I bought all those cashmere sweaters, right? Katrinka was complaining today because of the weather and I was like, "Whatever, this is like perfect." Then she starts going on about how when she still lived in Russia, she lived on the steps. I don't know why they wouldn't let her in the house, but she was living on the porch or the stoop or something. When I asked her why she couldn't go in the house, she just looked at me like I was stupid. I guess it was not very nice to ask that, I mean, I bet she's mad about it. That is sad, you guys. I'm super glad I can give her a actual place to live that has walls and stuff because porch living sucks, big time. I would guess.

Talking about food

That's a waffle. I'm still obsessed with waffles, even if my waffle friend disappeared. I hope he didn't die or anything. Or that he didn't get kidnapped by a stalker or something. Whatever.

That's super boring when that happens, especially for me because then the press wants interviews and stuff and none of it is about me.

So my friend Jenn was asking about Gus and she was like, "He's too nice." And I was like, "He's a criminal." I don't see how you can be nice and be a criminal at the same time. Anyway she says he "caters" to me, which is crazy, I think she doesn't really speak English. I was like, "Not really. He's a cook, not a caterer." She just looked at me like I was crazy. Then she goes, "Caterers cook." And I was like, "!" because that means I'm speechless. Because I totally know that! I mean, unless you are doing crudite. That shit is raw and cold.

Cool Spinny Thingy

Isn't that cool? My friend James sent me that. I think he's in outer space or something. He's an astronaut or whatever. Plus he's super cute so there! That is like space or something.

So I can't believe I'm up this early for reals! I was up super late last night watching some stupid show about dog training with some crazy foreign lady who doesn't even speak English! The whole show was in some foreign language and they didn't even bother with subtitles! Half the time I didn't even know what was going on. Anyway, the point is that I should still be asleep.

Knute wants me to go take the RR to some Jiffy Place and get the "oil changed". That sounds super suspicious to me! What oil!? I think he just wants me out of The Compound so he do something. He's very sneaky. I think at one point I wasn't goin to trust him anymore but then I felt bad about the Monte thing so I forgot. Whatever, it's hard to keep track of who I'm not trusting.

Then I'm seriously going to the store for books and find some stuff to make me super-smart. Or super-smarter. Smooches, you guys!!! If you see me out'n'about holla!!!!

Some Awesome Stuff

You know what's awesome? Staying home sometimes. But going out is awesome too. It's hard to pick. Tonight I'm staying in and Mr. Cat just came and jumped on the bed. He's awesome too.

I've been thinking about reading a book or something. Like what am I doing for my brain? Sure, lots of Redbull and Starbucks, but what else? Like I know people who do puzzles and shit. Well, I don't know them really, but I've seen people doing puzzles. Like on TV and airplanes when I fly commercial which sucks by the way. So I think reading would be awesome for my brain and I am all about being super-smart and stuff. If you have a book recommendation, that would be excellent. Because this one time, I accidentally went to a store for books and I was freaking out. There's a lot of books you guys! How do you pick one? Or like three? Me and Rhett got in a fight one time in a store for books. That was hilarious. We weren't there buying books though. I don't really remember why we were there. It might have been a accident. Sometimes, it's hard to remember why me and Rhett do stuff. Like why were we laughing on the A train that day? I mean I know what was said and all, but it wasn't all that funny so why were we laughing like that? It must be all the drugs. Or the booze. Dunno. All I know is that I want to improve my brain and whatever so I'm going to start doing puzzles or reading or something.

Not tonight though, because I'm waaaay too drunk. Tomorrow for sure.

Yay! Feeling better!

You know what always makes me feel awesome? Shopping. Shopping and Russell Crowe. He's on the tv right now and I'm in the media room watching him. Plus, I went shopping today and bought a ton of cashmere sweaters. I love cashmere. It's awesome.

I also bought Knute some cashmere because he totally needs some. He's like an extension of me when we are out of The Compound and I need for him to look awesome too. I never go anywhere with Gus or Katrinka so I don't need to worry about how they look. Because it doesn't matter, they just work for me.

So I finally feel better and thanks to all my fans who sent me texts and emails and called and whatever to wish me well. I'm pretty sure that helped me get better. That and the Taco Cabana. After feeling so bad, it was weird today to want to eat something tasty. So I made Knute take us through the drive-thru. Flatulas are so excellent.

Banana pudding is excellent also. Gus made me some! It's like bananas and pudding and cookies. Bananas is hard to type. I keep typing banabanaa - like I don't know when to stop typing! That makes me laugh.

I think this weekend is going to be totally boring. Of course I didn't go to Fashion Week in LA, that is sooo totally boring. I'll go to NY or Milan or Paris, but seriously, who goes to LA for fashion? Please. Me and Mims will get our toes did, like we do on Saturdays and then I'm going to be totally boring and stay home since I didn't feel so good this week. How boring is that? Sometimes I bore myself.

So boring

You know what's so boring? Being sick. I thought I was sick from the espresso beans but I guess I wasn't. I mean, I guess I'm really sick. My stomach is killing me and let me just tell you, there's only so much you can sleep. Today I was sleeping until I woke up and then there was nothing to do because Knute was out 'n' about and I was so bored.

Ugh

Here's where I've been since yesterday. I feel terrible. Knute just brought me some tea and toast and I couldn't even eat it. I wonder if this has anything to do with those beans I ate yesterday? All I know is my stomach is killing me, my head hurts and there's a lot of stuff going on in my digestive track. And not good stuff either! Bad stuff. Unfun stuff. Like if you took my poll today, you couldn't pick any of the choices, because I am not supah anything today. I think I'm going back to sleep now.

weeeeeeeeeeeee!

WOW! I went to the kitchen about an hour ago and I was chatting with Gus because I figure that's the only way to get over feeling weird and he had this bowl out on the counter with what looked like little chocolate thingies in it, so I started eating them. They were good and they sort of tasted like coffee, so anyway, I'm eating them while we're talking and pretty soon the bowl was empty and I go, "I need some more of these things." And Gus goes, "Did you eat that whole bowl?" And I'm all, "Mmmmmm hmmmm! they were good." So Gus is like, "Those were chocolate covered espresso beans!" Like that means anything to me! Whatever, they were good and now I'm thinking about going running, isn't that hilarious - I never run - except from the cops after a hit'n'run! I put the run in hit'n'run. Gawd that's hilarious. Knute wants me to eat some protein and try to rest, but I feel fantastic and I want to like go climb a mountain or something. You know what I haven't done in awhile? Walked the entire compound! Like how do I know the wall is still up all the way around, except not on the lake side of course! Why would you have a wall up beside a lake? That's crazy! That's the whole point of living on the lake is getting to the water, right? You know who drives me crazy? Tara Reid. I used to like her, but now she's trying to be serious and it's no fun. Fun 'n' run rhyme! That's hilarious! One time, I went out with this guy and he was real tall and I was like, 'Why you gotta be so tall?" He didn't get it. Whatever. I have shorter friends too. Like Vera, she's tiny. But she's Asian, so that could be why. I think they make them smaller for some reason, probably because they sit on the floor and that makes it easier. You know what's awesome? Cheese. Gus always keep cheese in the fridge. Sometimes it's fancy and sometimes it's that string stuff. I don't care, I love cheese!

My stomach hurts.

Sometimes when you are talking to people, you can just tell they've been to prison. Except for Gus. For instants, me and a couple of my smart friends got invited to the Chris Isaak show out at The Backyard. VIP, of course. And when we were going to our seats, I'm pretty sure the guy (I don't want to call him an "usher") anyway, the guy who checked our tickets just seemed sort of criminal-y. You know? Like why would you be a grownup and work at a place like that? Unless you had a record - and not for tax invasion like Gus. Like if you didn't have a record, you could work anywhere, but I bet The Backyard will hire anyone, even criminals. He was scruffy. And not scruffy like my friend TS who I think can't help it because he's french. I mean scruffy like he didn't have someone doing laundry for him regularly.

Whatever, I don't like to think about it because then I have to think about Gus and whether or not I need to be scared of him and I don't think I do, but I can't decide.

Poor people eat good

You know what's awesome? Something called a "chilidog." Gus made me one for dinner. I think poor people eat them which is why I've never had one until now. I wonder what other cool stuff poor people have that I've missed out on?

Knute just read that and said it was too tacky and I should take it out. Whatever! I do wonder. One time, I was talking to Katrinka and right in the middle of our conversation, it suddenly occurred to me that she might be poor. Which is crazy because I know how much I pay her and it ought to be plenty!

Citrus=Awesome

You know what's almost as awesome as a Lemon Slush from the Sonic? A Lemonade Slushie from the Taco Cabana. For those of my fans who don't live in Texas, the Taco Cabana is totally excellent. If you are a fan in California, it's sort of like the Pollo Loco. If you are anywhere else, I can't explain it except that it is awesome. It's like fast food, but they sell MARGARITAS! Love that.

I've decided lemons are the best. But limes are good too, now that I think about it. I even like an orange! I guess I just like citrus. Even my shampoo is citrus! Maybe I'm obsessed or something. Now I'm worried.

Knute says really liking something doesn't mean you are obsessed. Then he goes, "Of course, it doesn't mean you aren't, either." I was all, "That's no help." We were lying by the pool and the new yardman was trimming the maze. I was like, "How's he going to know how to do the maze?" And Knute goes, "It's a hedge." And I was all, "!" I mean, it's a maze. When I was little and Grandmamma lived here at The Compound, before Grandpappa got killed by the Bentley, I got lost in there once, so really I don't even know why I still have it. I mean, it takes up a lot of space and it sort of scares me so I really could put something else there. The whole point of this is that the gardener knew how to do a maze without even anyone telling him! He must be super smart! His name is Manuel but it's pronounced "mahn-WELL" He kept correcting me when I was calling him MAN-u-el. Some people are so picky. After awhile of me talking to him he started acting like he doesn't speak English. That was pretty boring.

Sigh

So here's the thing: I miss Rhett. I know when he was here all I did was complain about amnesia and how I never slept, but he is super fun and keeps things silly. This is all probably because of the mold. I accidently saw the news today and the standing up guy was talking about mold and I got to thinking about molds and that lead me to things that are plastic and then I was thinking about Rhett. Look, don't ask me to explain it, it's just how my brain works.
Speaking of now my brain works: I am awesome! Just check out my new poll. That's how you get the answers you want!

Gawd I am so smart! Today, I met a guy in a chair that had wheels. I was like, "That is super-lazy! Maybe I need one of those." And he was all, "I'm paralyzed." So that's my new word for lazy. "I was so paralyzed this weekend that I had to get plastered with Waff." "You know what's paralyzing? My fans." Awesome! I love to expand my vocab! "You know what else is super-paralyzing? Community service."

Awesome.

God you people are pissing me off!

Seriously, I put those polls on here so you guys can tell me how awesome I am! If you are just going to fuck around and not click SUPAH-Whatever, I will quit putting polls on my blog. For real! I am furious.

I will just have to figure out how to put a poll up that will make me happy. Somebody says "There are lies, damn lies and static electricity" or something like that and that's what this is. Static electricity.

So I had another meeting with the Bravo people about the red carpet show. Only this time they set it up without Rhett who, you will recall, was gassy. So they said they aren't really interested in him, but they want me and now I am seriously torn because the whole show was kind of his idea. I mean, he's super busy and whatever, so he probably doesn't even watch TV and like it's a couple of months away so seriously I could probably do it and he would never know. But that makes me feel icky for some reason. Could be all those margaritas I drank during the meeting. I'm not sure. I just know I'm not feeling too good. I told them I needed to talk to my agent. And then I remembered I got dropped by my agent and I don't even have one now! Like wtf, people? So I guess I'm shopping for a new agent. Yoli says taking the show is "opening a can of worms". Who wants to do that, for real? That doesn't sound like fun at all! How do worms live in a can? It seems like they would suffocate. So maybe it's a good thing, like all humanitarian and whatever. Or wormitarian.

It's hard to be me, sometimes, you guys

I almost went to NYC today. My friend Holli was texting me like a crazy black man and I was all, "I do not know who you are." Then she was like, "It's me!" So I'm all, I guess I better store her number because the last time she texted me I thought I had another stalker! Anyway, the point is, she wants me to come visit and I'm super torn because I promised Rhett I wouldn't go back up there until he was back and now I'm really sorry I made that promise since I want to go so bad. But see, here's the thing: I know he doesn't really read this, even though he says he does. So I could totally go and just not tell him. That wouldn't be like breaking a promise if he never finds out! Right?

Whatever.

So I went over to Mims' and Thad's house for dinner (awesome, btw. I made a salad. Well, I put spinach in a bowl. Lupe would be proud). Thad was looking at my myspace and he was all, "You have lots of new friends." And I was like, 'They're fans." So I showed him the dogduck and I go, " I would have a crush on him if I knew him." And he was like, "He's funny looking." And I was all, "He's super smart. I don't even understand half of what he writes to me!" Which is true. Also, he's super paranoid which probably means he's famous. All the really famous people are paranoid, that's why we all hang out together.

What was I talking about?

Oh yea, I also went shopping today because me and Knute decided to get all crazy for Halloween. It's my favorite holiday. I was thinking it would be fun to be like a real haunted house and have crows and stuff all over the yard. So Knute goes, "We could do that, I think you can buy them at craft stores and whatever." So I go, "You don't have to get them at a pet store?" And K just looked at me for a bit and he goes, "Do you want real crows?" And I'm like, "Do they make fake ones?" I was like, "!" So Knute seems to think that if I bought a bunch of crows and let them loose on the lawn they would just fly away. Whatever! As if they wouldn't know how awesome my Compound is! Sometimes I don't know about Knute. He finally said he thought they would fight with the peacocks, so I guess I won't do it.

So back to NYC. I think I'm totally going to go. Daddy says I can't use his plane ever again after Adam Levine barfed in the fridge. He's jewish too! Like why would you barf in the fridge, for reals? Anyway, I guess I'll have to fly commercial to NYC and that means I have to pay for Knute to come too. That's pretty boring. Maybe he won't want to come. He did get kidnapped up there not too long ago. I'm thinking at this rate, pretty soon I won't be able to take Knute anywhere since he has trawma wherever he goes. Including the attic! That I didn't even know I had!

Whatever.

It's going to be an awsome week, I can feel it. Even without crows on the lawn.

HOLY CRAP PEOPLE!

Ok, now I know I just have a bunch of smartass "friends" on the myspace! I specifically sent out information on the proper way to answer the poll and at least one person went and answered it WRONG. I have a feeling it might have been Waff. He's like that. Even though we had a totally good time last night getting our eat on and our booze on. I can see him being like, "Ok, yea that was fun, but now I gotta needle her."

Yesterday I was staring out the window and suddenly I started thinking about the beach and I think I'm going to go down next weekend. I'm going to be supah busy soon so I need to get there while I can. Plus I haven't been to the house on Eluethra in ages!

It just occurred to me that TS could be the smartass....He's real smart and that's half of being a smartass...

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, getting down to the beach. I'm totally going to do it. Eat some fish, stare at the waves. That sounds like fun. Maybe I'll take Knute and seeing all the Seegirl bats will remind him of before he was kidnapped. BOTH TIMES! That's crazy! Who gets kidnapped twice? Whatever, I don't judge.

Me and Mims had our pedis this morning, but I was so tore up from last night that I couldn't even enjoy it. Then we were going to go look for cashmere sweaters and I had to go back to The Compound and take a nap. So we're going tomorrow. Even though it's like 100 degrees here still. Technically, according to the fashion calendar it's fall, so I'm wearing cashmere no matter what!

Ok, now seriously, the poll is like this:

Cute is good

Super cute is better

Supah cute is the best, most cute. Kay?

I wish I had a rat with a gun

Remember how I said in my last post that I thought I saw Monte the other day? I think I saw him again! I was coming out of the tanning place and I thought I saw him behind a tree. I was like, "!" I mean, I'm not sure it was him, since I had some Mystic tan in my eyes and they were watering and whatever, but I'm pretty sure.

I'm totally pealing my eyes for him everywhere and Edgar says I have PMS or ADD or something. He says that I was traumatized by what happened and I'm like, "Ummm, that was Knute!" But he says I have "Survivor" complex. Shows you what he knows, I don't even watch that show!!! I like "Rock of Love" with all those prostitutes trying to get that ugly girl with the bandana to have sex with them! Hilarious! Knute said I shouldn't admit watching that show since it's so stupid, but I'm like, whatever! Everyone loves drunk lesbian hookers!

Please let me sleep!!!

I'm seriously hoping that now that my conscience is all clear or whatever I will be able to effing sleep. Like for one thing, I might have been worrying about Britney's kids. Not that I'm going to stop because they are with Kfed, but seriously, I felt like they were in a perril when they were with her! I totally doing even know what being "in a perril" is but it kind of sounds like being in a barrel and I heard one time that people go over waterfalls in barrels, so I figure it's like the same thing. Whatever. It just sounds dangerous and that's all I mean. But like my conscience is clear because I apologized to Gus. Sort of. I mean, I didn't really, but I would have, so that's all that matters. I'm pretty sure he knows that. This morning he toasted my bagel just like I like it and had veggie cream cheese to go with. He loves me!

Mims texted me today and was like, "pedi sat?" And I was all, "Duh!" I'm so tired of this color! I mean it's gorge and all, but seriously, I need a change. I'm pretty sure I've committed to something else this Saturday, but I can't remember what it was. I guess someone will call me and remind me. I was just sitting here thinking that another happy hour with my smart friends would be awesome. They may be smart, but they are a bunch of boozers, so I'm pretty sure they'll be up for it.

Oh yea, I talked to Rhett today too. Then I had to get me a lemon slush again. They are better when he's at the Sonic with me. While I was out and about, I thought I saw Monte, but I'm pretty sure there's no way he's running around Austin. I mean, if I was him, I would have left the country by now. It sure looked like him, though. Kinda spooky, you know?