THIS IS NOT A MALL, PEOPLE

I have no idea why our nation's capital is all crazy with the false advertising, but I am OVER it already.

First of all, I found out that damn pope is in town. I don't know what that is, but it seriously screwed up traffic. Then I decided to swing by Jenna's Mom and Dad's house and this old man in a dress was all telling me I was going to hell. I was like, "Who the fuck are you?" And he was all, "I am Benedict Arnold" or something, which I know is a damn lie because that guy died like way back in the 70s. So anyway, I was totes over him until I caught a glimpse of his FABULOUS red Prada loafers and I was all, "Perhaps I have been hasty." Because any tranny who can pull off red Prada pumps is ok in my book. So we ended up talking about shoes and shit like that and we are totes best friends now. He was playing baseball or something (I wasn't listening whenever he talked) so he couldn't go play with us today.

So when I got in yesterday, Rhett was already at the townhouse on Logan Circle - super cute, too! I haven't been here in awhile and Daddy's had some work done to it. The fourth floor looks especially cute and the rooftop garden looks way better than last time. Anyway, so Rhett is doing his little show and so I decided to just go downtown to see the theater and whatever and I ended up staying to watch. It's cute, you should go for reals, fans in the DC area. Ok, first of all, I sat with the light guy because I was too bored to bother buying a ticket and I swear to god, I thought that guy was going to molest me. He has issues! (What up, Paddy!?) After the show we got back to the house and Daddy's driver, Mac, was sitting in the kitchen. I love Mac, he's been around forever. So Mac was all, "Where do you kids want to go tomorrow?" And Rhett was all, "Everywhere! Georgetown, the river, the mall" and I was all, "The mall!?" I totes wasn't thinking about shopping until Saturday but like I am always up for a spree. So this morning, Mac is waiting with the car and we're supposed to go to the mall - there is no mall. It's a bunch of crap. No Nordies, No Neiman, No NOTHING. I have never been so bored in my whole entire life. We did eat at a cute place in Georgetown. The hilarious thing is this: Just outside Austin is a town called Georgetown. Isn't that hilarious?

So anyway, Rhett had to do his show again tonight and I didn't want to see it so I went back to the house, all the gays were out walking their little rats in Logan Circle and letting them poop everywhere and sniffing butts (the rats, not the gays). Anyway, I decided to go over to the park just to sit for a sec and of course, I was totes swarmed by well-groomed men in fabulous shoes with rats on leashes. So I was signing autographs and posing for pics and who comes tearing out of the house but Knute! I was like, "SMOOCHES!" I was sorry Knute wasn't around today because he would have found me a Armani store or something in that stupid mall. This is precisely why I prefer boutiques. Anyway, I was glad to see Knute and he has a whole itinerary for us tomorrow. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am all about history and shit, but I just want to get my shop on.

The pink trees are real pretty here, though.

Crap!

Knute says NO PYTHONS. Crap.

Damn, you guys!

Did you know these little effers could get into your house and chew up stuff like electricity? So yesterday, I was totes looking over the list that Knute made for me of stuff to take to DC with Rhett and suddenly - BAM! everything went off: lights, tv, computers, stereo, ipod, A/C, blender, microwave, dvd player, - why did we have all that shit on? It's crazy! Anyway, Knute goes to check the "braker box" and then I heard him scream like a little girl! Me and Gus went running and found him just freaking out at the braker box. Apparently a rat got in and shorted everything out. That rat was like crispy! That rat was seriously despondent. I was like, "Ummm, does that mean that we can call The Hot Network Guy (THNG) again?" So anyway, now Knute has to stay in Austin at The Compound while I go to the townhouse in DC to meet Rhett. Once everything is all fixed, Knute will come on. But see, here's the thing, I'm thinking that if we keep having network problems THNG is never going to be able to ask me out because Knute says they probably have some kind of no-dating-customers rule and while all this is going on I can't date him. So somebody needs to tell the rats to stay out of my braker box because that guy is HOT.

So anyway, I'm going to DC and I may be way too busy being fabulous to write anything for you people, so don't freak out, kay? I'll write a ton of stuff and post some pictures and whatever we I get back.

OMG! I just had an awesome idea, I'm going to get a python, because I've been wanting one for awhile, and put it by the braker box. No rats will try to sneak past a python to kill themselves. I mean if they are all suicidal or whatever, they will just go to the python and I can date THNG. Let me go tell Knute to do that before he comes to DC.