Rumors

OMG. Nothing has happened since I last wrote. Me, Lindsay and Knute are STILL in LA and I am about to die from boredom. LA is so last year. Or even 2004. I am over it. Me and Lindsay weren't even speaking until yesterday because of the Jared Leto thing. She kept bringing it up and I was all, "Whatev. He's like huge." So she goes, "All the parts work." And I'm like, "I know. Ever heard of sloppy seconds?" So she was all, "He doesn't even remember you." And I'm like, "I have the tape to prove it." Night vision is awesome. So she's like, "Whatev." And I'm like, "You totally stole that from me. Can't you get your own life?" So she started crying and left and I sort of felt bad. It's hard living in a hotel suite.
So yesterday, me and Knute were shopping and while we were at Fred Segal, I totally ran into Mary-Kate and she was all, "I heard you lost someone." And I was like, "Yeah, and?" And she goes, "What if I know where she is?" and I was like, "Guess you better call the cops because they are looking for her." And she was all, "As if!" So I go,"Might be a reward, not that you need it." And she goes, "More money for me." And I'm like, "If you're parents don't get all Gary Coleman on your ass." And she was like, "I practically don't even HAVE parents." And I'm like, "Lucky!" So anyway. Like she said that she'd heard that Maddy was totally with some group who brainwashes people and I was like, "She has excellent hygeine, ok? Her clothes suck, but she is clean." And MK was all, "Like not even! Brainwashing is like mad bad." And I'm like whatev, cleaning always sounds good to me! You can totally ask Katrinka, I am so particular about my cleaning. Or her cleaning. Like one time, she'd been up on the ladder outside washing the windows and she thought she was done and I was like Not even! There was this giant thumbprint on the outside of my guest bathroom window. So back up the ladder she goes, because I am all about cleanliness. And she was whining about being afraid of heights. I'm like, "You can go back to Immigrantakstan or whereever if you are going to complain. One call to INS is all it would take." So anyway, I called that cute cop guy and he totally goes, "We had a tip about that." And I'm like, "HELLO!? Can I get in the loop, please?" What a loser. He's all, "we're looking into it." So I'm like, "Why don't you try looking into your address book on your cell phone and calling me? She's my life coach." He totally had nothing to say to that.
Ok, so I totally texted Lindsay and I was feeling bad that I was totally not into her doing Jared Leto, so I was like, "4give?" so she goes, "no prob." So now that we know Maddy is ok, or probably ok and only getting her brain cleaned, me and Lindsay and Knute are headed up to Napa - or down to Napa or whatev. I totally don't even know where it is. I guess there's wine up there or down there or something. People keep telling me I need to go - so since I'm totally dying to get out of this town, I am there. I'm thinking it's going to be a total party. Like I hope there is some major nightlife up there. Or down there. Whatev. I am ready to dance and be crazy.

Diz-ZAZ-ter

What a fi-zaz-co. I cannot believe we are still in LA. Maddy is totally still missing, and I guess Dan saw it in the newspaper or whatever and he was all, "Why didn't you notify us?" And I was all, "Hello! I totally tried!" And he goes, "Oh." I guess Daddy and his security team think its a really B.D. but I'm starting to think she's going to turn up. I bet she's just totally partying. You know, its not like she has any experience. Before me and Lindsay gave her that cat tranquilizer, she said the highest she'd ever been was on wheatgrass juice - whatever the hell that is. Like, I guess she'd never even had alcohol either - like Daddy thought I was going to relate to HER?! Please. She's never even been to rehab!
So me and Knute have been shopping like mad. I am so glad he came out here because Lindsay is totally getting on my nerves. We were out night before last at Chi and she totally left with Jared Leto and he is not even cute right now! Wow! He looks like an old man. I know it's for a role or whatever, but that's just weird. I hooked up with him right after Cameron and him broke up and he was totally hot then. Anyway, when Lindsay came back to the hotel, she was all, "I totally did Jared Leto!" And I was like, "Whatev. Been there." And she was all, "Still hot." And I was like, "You wish!" Anyway, me and Knute were shopping yesterday and I totally bought him a Balenciaga contact lens case. He was like, "Fabulous, honey. Maybe someday I'll actually wear contact lenses!" I think that was him being bitchy, but I'm not sure. He could totally keep his X in there, he doesn't need to complain. While we were out, I totally met this lady who does some sort of decorating or whatever - it's called fun sway and that sounds cool to me. I guess it's like making your house more energy efficient or something. She kept talking about "flow" so I'm guessing it has something to do with like your toilets or something. She was telling me it's super ancient from like Asia or whatever. I totally didn't know they had toilets in Asia! I was all, "You should come do my house in Austin!" And she goes, "Yeah!" So I was like, "Yeah." So Knute is going to set that up for whenever we get back. Fun Sway. It sounds like a party and I am all about partying.

Vegas Baby

Me and Lindsay are still stuck in LA. I called Dan on Daddy's security detail and he got pissed at me. I guess he thought I was kidding again - after that whole fake murder thing, I guess I can't blame him. Anyway, I was all, "No seriously, I lost Maddy!" And he was all, "Who's Maddy?" And I'm like, "Moonbeam!" And he totally hung up on me. Well, after 4 days of her being gone, Lindsay finally was like, "Let's call the cops." So I did and they totally don't want me to go back to Austin yet. The cop was nice and he was pretty cute, but he was really confused. He was all, "So Moonbeam and Maddy left the restaurant with Quentin?" And I'm like, "Earth to cop! They are totally the same person! I just didn't like her name so I changed it." He wasn't too bright.
Anyway, I figured if I'm going to be stuck out here, I might as well get Knute out here too, so he came on Saturday. We went shopping and I totally bought the cutest sweater for Honky. It says, "Lick my balls." Isn't that a scream? I guess Honky has balls. I need to check with Knute on that because I haven't ever really noticed. Smudge didn't but I'm pretty sure she was a girl.
Ok, so while me and Knute were shopping, I totally ran into Brit and KFed and they were like, "Las Vegas road trip!" And I was all, "Flying, thank you!" So we totally just jammed over to LV for the night. It was a mess. First of all, while we were on the plane, Brit totally goes, "Ohmygod! What about Sean?!!!" She was freaking out. And KFed was like, "Who, Diddy?" And Brit was all, "THE BABY!" And KFed goes, "Oh yeah. I keep forgetting about him." So Brit had to call the nanny and tell her we were going to Las Vegas for the night and I guess the nanny was pissed because she wanted to go home or whatever. KFed and me were laughing because he said he totally forgets he has kids and isn't that why you have a nanny to begin with? I was like, "Totally!"
Anyway, we got to Caesar's and we were totally in the private rooms and Christian Slater was there and he was all, "Stay tonight with me" and I'm like, "Not even." He's so old! Anyway, I guess Brit was playing the slots and KFed and me were playing some card game with Christian and some model and the kid from Malcolm in the Middle and some political guy and I guess she was still pissed about him forgetting about the kid and she comes over and totally goes Naomi Campbell on him with her cell phone. Ohmygod, you should have seen his face. It was crazy. Anyway, I guess he didn't think it was funny because he jumped up and grabbed her by the arms and they were yelling or whatever and then security came and took them away - it was a giant mess. I totally won that hand though!