So boring

You know what's so boring? The red carpet. I know it looks all fabulous and whatever, but it is boring. The flashes from the paps' cameras make me want to have a seizure, everyone is screaming, "Turn around, Cupcake!" "Let me see the back of your dress!" "Come over here!!!" I know my fans all know that I don't do red carpet interviews anymore after that distaster as Cannes a couple of years ago. Look, I didn't know the french didn't like to be called "frogs." Seriously! I have a frog that lives near the water feature on the property and it is kind of cute, it might be more than one because in the summer, those fuckers are loud! What with the peacocks and the frog and that raccoon with the purse, it's like a zoo here! Or something.

Anyway, I was talking about last night. I looked fab of course. The party was surprisingly fun. Like I was expecting it to be terrible but I actually had a good time. I guess it's because my life is to totally boring that anything is good, even if you have to walk the red carpet.

My Kickass Copper Highlights

Erica is awesome, it's too bad she's so selfish. I mean seriously, she made me wait until tonight to finally do my highlights. By the time I walked into her little salony thing, I was totally livid. I mean, I just kept getting madder and madder all day long, but I was going to keep my mouth shut until after she did my hair and waxed my brows and then I was totally going to kick her ass. Well, I guess she's scrappier than I thought, even with a broken nose. Bitch can punch, that's all I'm saying. I thought I could take her, but it was bad. I started worrying when she was telling me about her boyfriend getting peppersprayed and she couldn't stop laughing. I was like, "Whoa!" I mean, it was hilarious, but that's the guy she's dating! I mean, I would at least try to pretend like I was bummed out or whatever. Then she got mad because I wouldn't let her put any stuff in my hair and she started acting like a nut and I started thinking maybe kicking her ass wasn't such a good idea. But anyway, the cops had to come AGAIN to separate us which was totally boring. But at least no one went to jail tonight. My highlights look awesome too! I have her a Christmas bonus after the cops left.

Erica Is In Trouble, You Guys

So like here's the deal. Saturday was sucky and I didn't want to write about it on here because I am like totally mature or whatever and I don't want to make Erica mad because we all know what she did last time she was mad at me. Anyway, she was going to do my highlights on Saturday, but she called me and told me she "broke her nose" and was "too dizzy" to do my hair. Like whatever. What could I say? I was furious. So like all day Sunday I totally expected her to call me and be like, "I'm so sorry, let me do your hair today." Did she call? No. I like didn't even hear from her until I texted her today and was like, "WTF?" Look, I am like super important and if I make a hair appointment, I expect to get my hair did. Nobody cancels on me. I don't care if you broke your spine or whatever. Just cut my effing hair. So anyway, now I have to go late tomorrow and I'm all like, "That is usually when I nap." So it's totally not convenient for me, but I've got a red carpet on Friday and I can't be picky. But as soon as she is done, I'm gonna kick her ass.

Dreams and whatever

Holy crap you guys! I had a terrible nightmare today. Can it be a nightmare if it's not at night? I mean, I was totally taking a nap so it was afternoon but like it was a bad dream! Maybe that's what I'll call it instead of a nightmare...or maybe a daymare? That sounds like a horse. It was icky, that's all I know. Anyway, I dreamed that every single one of my cashmere sweaters had holes in them. I pulled out my baby blue one - hole. My sky blue one - hole. Pale blue one - hole. My teal one, my blue-green one, my green-blue one, my peacock one. I mean, I could go on and on and on (I have a LOT of cashmere sweaters, it's my signature garment this winter). Anyway, I woke up all in a sweat and had to jump out of bed and run to the closet to see if it was true or not. It wasn't, but I'm thinking no more naps after a plate of Gus' nachos. I'm pretty sure nachos aren't Mediterranean, but whatever. It took forever to check all my sweaters. I know it's Katrinka's fault because she told me the other day that she had a weird dream about my sweaters but I was too bored to ask what the dream was about, so if she dreamed I had holes in all my sweaters, I will freak out.

I just walked over to the servant's wing to ask her about her dream but she's out with her boyfriend who's a total loser, by the way. I think he was in jail over the weekend because she asked to borrow $15,000 and I was all, "Whatever." I know she won't ever pay it back, but since Lupe died she's been way less crazy, so you know, whatever - no big deal. While I was over there, I asked Gus if Mediterranean nachos give you daymares and he just looked totally confused. What a idiot.