So last night, me, Rhett, Mims and Thad went out. It was super boring. First we went to dinner at that Roy's place. It's pretty cute but I don't care for all those mafia guys that are always walking around asking you if your service was good. What do they care? Shouldn't they be whacking someone or something? Anyway, here's the weird thing. We sat down at Roy's in the super-cutest banquette and guess who came in and sat down right across from me? Monte. I was like, "Rhett! It's Monte." So he turned around and saw him and was like, "Monte!" It was spooky! So I could barely enjoy all five mai tais and my butterfish with the spinachy stuff underneath it. But I managed.

Anyway, when we were leaving, Mims was driving and she is so smart that she lost Monte, so he didn't follow us to Cedar Street. Which was awesome because that would be too scary. Anyway, The Atlantics were awesome and there weren't too many paparazzi around which was good because me and Rhett were dancing all crazy all night. Mims wouldn't dance with Thad and he was furious. Aeon was so good, I don't know why he's in Austin, he should be in New York being fabulous. Then when I come to visit like I like to do, I could see him too.

Today, I was trying to recover from all the drinkies and dancing and whatever. So I called Rhett and he wanted to go eat something and see a movie so since it was two in the afternoon I figured why not? So we ate at this cute place called Rudy's. It was a gas station! I felt so poor. Anyway, we went to go see "Sicko" which I thought was about some crazy guy who owned a motel and kept his mother in a rocking chair, I sure was surprised when it was about insurance! It was so boring.

I was totally tired after having to think during that movie. So I was lying around the media room and I accidentally picked up a book that Knute had been reading. It was all about Super Foods and how they are so good for you so I was looking at the list and I was like, "I love all these foods!" And Knute was like, "Awesome!" So I was all, "Blueberries. I love those, I was just drinking a blueberry lemondrop at Cedar Street! I was detoxifying and I didn't even know it!" So I was like, "We have to go to the store right now and buy pomegranates and figs and almonds and all that crap." I am all about natural foods now! Like spinach and cranberries and vodka. Here's what's weird though, when we were leaving, we were loading stuff in the RR and there was a car parked next to us and it was MONTE! You should see his car, it is not cute. Like I guess maybe Rhett is right and he is following us around. Like, I don't have time to stalk anyone, he needs a hobby. I guess I'm going to have to call the cops if he keeps it up.

Floods and whatever

So this morning, me and Rhett were lying around the media room being so bored. I mean, how many episodes of Entourage can you watch in one sitting? So I was like dying, so Rhett goes, "Let's go look at all the flood devastation!" So I was like, "Yes!" I totally wanted to take the Jag-you-are with Harvey driving, but you would have thought that I suggested Hitler drive my Grandmamma around. Rhett is really out of control on this one. Anyway, we made Knute drive the RR since we decided we'd need four-wheel drive. Which sounds totally weird to me because all four wheels are always driving, it's not like it normally has two wheels and then when you shift that thingy, two more pop down or something. It's crazy.

Anyway, we decided to go to this one town that got flooded really bad and the streets were like washed out and it was terrible and not cute. Plus I was wearing my beige Coach slingback stilettos and hiking was kind of hard. But I looked totally cute.

The whole way over to that town, Rhett was talking about Monte this and Monte that and Monte is stalking me and Monte is crazy and blah blah blah. I was like, "Rhett has gone nuts." I was so bored by the whole thing, but at one point, we were climbing over all this dahbree and Rhett goes, "Look at that person sitting on the bench down there. That's creepy." And I was like, "Holy shit! That's MONTE." And it was! That is scary. What was Monte doing way out there in the middle of nowhere, sitting on a bench, staring at us? Gives me the shivers just thinking about it!

Oh, thanks to all my fans who wrote in to tell me that what I heard yesterday wasn't bombs but rather fireworks! I felt way better about that. Although I was sure we were at war because when I went to look outside, I saw this giant rat wearing a bulletproof vest or armor or something. I know it sounds crazy, but I yelled at Knute to come look at that rat and he goes, "What?" So I was like, "Come look at this bulletproof rat." So he comes out on the verandah and goes, "Where?" So I go, "Right there!" And Knute goes, "Oh! That's an Armored Dillo." I don't know what kind of rat an Armored Dillo is, but it makes me nervous when the rodents are plated. You know? Why would a rat wear armor anyway? What do they know that we don't?

Holy crap, you guys!

Like, are we having a war or something? I keep hearing explosions and shit. It is freaking me out. How am I supposed to get any rest with all those bombs going off? Good thing I have all that codeine cough syrup to go with my pear vodka. That stuff is good. My friend Calvin told me about it. He is super fab. He always wears argyle socks which is like his signature and you guys all know how I am all about signature things. Like drinkies and shoes and stuff. And now socks, I guess.

I am so looking forward to Friday night. Let me just say that Aeon's band is super-fun. One time, me and Mims went to see him and I took a giant pair of leopard print panties and threw them onstage. It was hysterical. You should have seen Aeon's face, but then he started doing this riff about fat girls and I thought I was going to die it was so funny. Everyone knows fat girls are hilarious. Anyway, I'm trying to think of something to throw at him on Friday night, so if you have any suggestions, please leave them as comments here.

It just crossed my mind that the bombs I'm hearing might be thunder because it has been raining all day. Thank goodness all the people that live on the lake are so rich because the city or whoever keeps the lake the same level all the time. The lakes where poor people live are all flooded and whatever. Stupid poor people. Why do they live on the lake if they are poor? That's not cute at all.

Speaking of not cute, when me and Rhett went out last weekend, I noticed a new trend. And not the plaid thing, this is a new trend that I don't think I can get with. Living under bridges. Like who does that? I don't think that's very cute at all. Some people were living under the bridges on the highway. Can you imagine how loud that is? Like I wouldn't be able to get any sleep, for real and I am all about my sleep as I think I've already told everyone. Anyway, that's a crazy trend that I will not be going for.

So come on out on Friday to Cedar Street. I'll be the one in the peacock satin D'Orsays, drinking my signature drink, of course. See you then!

Holiday

Like I guess today is a holiday or something. Of course it's been raining for like ever down here, so I don't know how I'm supposed to enjoy anything. Rhett is furious with me because I didn't fire Harvey. I can't live my whole life to make Rhett happy, you know? That's just crazy. I need a driver, ok? If I get one more DUI, I will go to jail and I don't need that.

Also I guess my neighbor Monte has gone totally crazy and is stalking Rhett. I don't know what that's about. What's going to happen when Rhett leaves? I'm getting scared. Rhett called me late last night when me and Lindsey were playing this awesome game called Find Paris. It's where you just click through all the channels on your TV and then whenever you see something about Paris you drink. It was awesome. We were wasted. Since Lindsey can't really go out anymore without getting totally crucified by the paps, we're trying to find ways to get wasted at home. It's hard, you guys! Anyway, Rhett called and was like, "Monte is following me." I was like, "What?" And he goes, "I'm out and about and everywhere I go I see Monte." I was like, "Call the cops. That's what he does to me anytime things get loud at the Compound." Rhett wouldn't, I guess because of what happened last time he was in LA. We don't need to talk about that, so I won't because he doesn't want me to mention him getting arrested and all the stuff his daddy had to do to keep it out of the papers. It was a mess and all the stuff about what was in his car was not cute. So I don't want to do into all that again. But it totally explains why he didn't want to call the cops. Whatever.

One thing I did do today is finally found my peacock satin shoes. I will be wearing them on Friday night at Cedar Street to see The Atlantics so be sure to tell me how fabulous they are.

Drama

I don't know why everytime I go somewhere the authorities have to be involved. So yesterday, me and Rhett went down to Houston to see my fiance Bucky. He had a show that was awesome. It's called Like You Like It and you can read about it by clicking on the title where I wrote it like that with the line under it. It's called a "link" or something.

So anyway, me and Rhett went down in my brand new Jag-you-are and Harvey was driving us. Well, for some reason, Rhett decided that it would be fun to run the little window thingy that separates us from the driver part up and down and up and down and drive Harvey crazy - that was not cute you guys. I could tell Harvey was getting mad because his ears turned like super-red. Anyway, Rhett kept going, "Sometimes, when I want to make Harvey furious, I go like this." And I was like laughing so hard that I couldn't even tell him to stop. It was crazy. Anyway, Harvey dropped us at the theater, which was totally cute by the way, and we went in and saw Bucky and he was totally happy to see me. He was all hugging me and staring at my boobs like I knew he would, he can't help it. Anyway, I started meeting all my future inlaws and they are super-cute. When me and Rhett sat down in our awesome seats, some lady sat down next to Rhett and she was like, "How are you connected to the show?" I guess she knew we are famous and whatever. I was like, "The writer is my fiance." She looked stunned. I guess she was Bucky's Aunt Doody and she was like, "What?" So I repeated myself and she just goes, "What?" Like I guess she was deaf or something. So I said it really slow and then she started laughing. I bet she was drunk. I know me and Rhett were. Anyway, the show was totally wonderful and I was so proud of my fiance. After, Bucky told his sister to take us over to the reception, so we were walking along, being all fabulous and she goes, "How do you know my brother?" So I went, "He's my fiance." You should have heard her laughing. It was crazy. I guess his whole family is drunk. I mean, I know Bucky is a confirmed bachelor, and he lives with his really close friend named Jose, but I think it's just rude for his whole family to be laughing at our love.

Anyway, while we were talking to Aunt Doody and Uncle Punk, she mentioned the family trip to Destin Florida every year. I was all, "No. Nu-uh." I was furious. Everyone knows I hate Florida, so I guess this is going to be me and Bucky's first fight. Anyway, we are having dinner later this month, so we can make all the wedding plans and I can set him straight on Florida.

So anyway, it was getting late, so I called Harvey to tell him to bring the car around and his phone just rang and rang. That was weird. So I tried again - same thing. It was crazy. So like I have this theory that if someone doesn't answer the phone, you just call back until they do. So I kept calling him and calling him and after awhile, someone picked up and said, "Fuck off", then hung up. I was like, "What?" So I kept calling and by now it was getting really late and I wanted to get back to the compound. So finally my phone rang and it was Knute, "What is going on?" And I was all, "I wish I knew." So he goes that Harvey came back to the compound in the Jag and just parked it and went to his apartment over the garage and went to bed. He totally left us in Houston! So then I was hitting Rhett with my super cute sequined clutch and yelling, "It's all your fault." So I guess the valets were worried about Rhett, so they called the cops and then we had to explain everything to them and luckily we had a really super smart cop who took us to the Four Seasons where we stayed until we flew home today.

Now I have a total dilemma because I don't really feel like I can fire Harvey because Rhett was totally being a ass. I mean, I can't blame him for wanting to leave. And it's not like he stole my car or anything, he just went home. But Rhett is furious and wants me to fire him. I'm like, "I just found a driver and I am not about to screw this up." So anyway, I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, but Rhett is leaving pretty soon and I don't see any other people lined up to drive me around, so I think I'll keep Harvey for now.

My neighbor Monty was standing by my gate today when me and Rhett got back. It was a little scary. Rhett goes, "Sometimes, when I want to scare Monty, I go like this." And then he did something that wasn't even scary but I started laughing again and Monty just stared at us as we drove by. It was a little creepy now that I think about it!

Weekends are exhausting you guys!

Yesterday was awesome. I didn't even wake up until 4:00 because me and Rhett were so bored out of our minds on Friday night. I totally had to recover. Anyway, I rolled out of bed and got all cute and them me and Rhett went to go see some play called "The Full Monty." I thought it was going to be about a fat guy, but the fat guy was named Dave. There wasn't even anyone named Monty in the whole show. Whatever. Our friend Q was in it. He got naked, but I guess he always does. What up, Q? He's totally hot. Especially when he sings and dances. Hot.

Then we went and ate at some place. There were people taking pictures of me and not even trying to pretend they weren't. They weren't even paparazzi. They were just like tourists or whatever. It was boring and most of the people there were like hippies. I think everyone knows how I feel about hippies. Also, I was furious all weekend because everyone is wearing plaid again. We've been over this, people. I hate plaid. So at the bars on Friday night, all the boys were wearing plaid shorts and then last night at the play, there were plaid shirts and a plaid dress - it gives me the creeps. Nobody should be wearing plaid - ever. It's too distracting and complicated. That's why I prefer solids. Or Pucci. That's all I'm saying.

This afternoon me and Rhett are going to Houston. I'm excited because Knute found me a driver, Harvey, and he's going to drive us down in the Jag-you-are. That way we can drink all the way down there. Bucky says that there's some kind of party afterwards and since Rhett was in the original cast of this play, I guess we'll be signing autographs. That's so boring. Posing and talking to fans is so boring. I really don't even know why we're going at all except that Bucky is my fiance and I am all supportive and shit. It just better be fun, that's all I'm saying.