I cannot believe we are still here. I totally wanted to be back in Austin by now. It's been a really bad time and I'm not even sure where to start. Ok, after I got kicked out of Katie's baby shower - WHATEVER - and I hooked up with George, Lindsay and me totally lost Maddy. I don't even know what happened to her. Alls I know is we were at Nobu, gabbing with Cam and Justin and then I left and the next morning I texted Lindsay and she was all, "where u at?" And I was like," Y?" And she was like," I need to no." and I was like, 'OK!" so she was all, "OK!"
Anyway, Lindsay and me met up at Starbucks and I totally ordered a grande mocha half-fat/half soy latte with a sans sucre vanilla syrup and the girl behind the counter used regular vanilla syrup. I didn't actually see her do it, but I'm pretty sure she did. I saw her looking at my baby blue Prada bag and I know she's jealous. Anyway, after I threw my grande mocha at her, me and Lindsay totally left and decided to look for Maddy. I called my friend Steve, the guy from The Sopranos, and he told us where Quentin lives. Then he was all, "Don't you want to have dinner with me while you're in town?" And I was all, "Been there, done that." Then he mentioned he was directing something now, so I decided to see him. Whatever. I totally thought I wasn't even going to be here by today, but since we can't find Maddy, I guess we need to stay. So I might as well have dinner with him -it's free drinks, right?
Lindsay wants me to call Daddy's security team, but I just can't. I mean, this is the life coach he got for me - and I totally lost her! This is way worse than Smudge.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Baby Shower
Wow, I'm totally in LA where I had to go to Katie's shower. Unfortunately, Lindsay and Madison/Moonbeam flew out there with me and we got totally plastered on the plane playing quarters. Believe me, that is hard, especially when there is turbulence. It's like hard.
Anyway, Lindsay was all like, 'I totally want to got to LA with you" and I was all, "Ok, earth to Lindsay, you were not invited. You don't even know Katie or Tom." But she was like," I have to get out of Austin!" I guess she hooked up with some guy who won't leave her alone and she was dying for an In-N-Out after three weeks of only cigarettes and champagne. So I was like, "Whatever." Well, then Madison was all," You can't go without me because I'm totally supposed to be helping you find your path. Plus, Quentin is back in LA and I totally want to do him."
So anyway, Knute got on the interweb and hooked us up with some first class tickets to LAX. It was totally excellent that Knute had arranged for us to have a driver, because like I said, we were hammered by the time we got off the plane. So, I had to go directly to the shower, which was not so cool, because I was still totally flying from the X we did before we left Austin. So Lindsay and Madison - I think I'm going to start calling her Maddy because it's too hard to type Madison - anyway, Maddy and L went off to shop and sober up while I went out to the hills for this shower.
Well, Knute is on the shit list again because he totally let me leave without the frickin present or I might have left it on the plane. Either way, I think I'm going to fire him. Anyway, so I had this driver named Jorge - who was pretty cute for a Mexican or whatever. I think he said he was from Argentina, but I guess that's like part of Mexico, right? Like a state? Anyway, when I realized that Knute had forgotten the present, I was all like, "Oh shit" and he was all, "What is it?" So I was all, "I have to go to this baby shower and I totally don't even know them all that well and my lousy PA forgot to pack the present." So Jorge was like, "Do you know what religion they are?" And I was all, "I totally know that Katie is a Catholic because she was telling me about going to Catholic school one time about 2 years ago." So anyway, Jorge tells me that the traditional baby gift is like a bible and a rosary, so he took me to the bible store and I totally got the cutest little rosary and a bible that was all white and crap. It was excellent and I totally knew she was going to love it.
Well, the shower was seriously a drag. I came blowing in and I was all, "WooHOO! Party people say HO!!!!" But nobody hoed me back - WHATEV. They were all trying to be really quiet -like what is this 3rd grade with the Quiet Game? Whatever. I was totally determined to crank the party up but they were just staring at me when I climbed on the coffee table and took my shirt off. I thought maybe they needed some party favors - so I offered Kelly Preston one of my tiny bottles of tequila from the plane, but she was so uptight. She was like, 'I don't think you understand the purpose of this function." So I said, "Is it to take that stick out of your ass? Is that why we are here? I just need to know." Then that hag Jenna Elfman was all up in my grill going, "We are trying not to traumatize the baby with any unnecessary sounds." So I was like, "Why don't you stop traumatizing us all with your sorry-ass sitcoms?"
Anyway, Kirstie Alley ended up telling me to leave so I totally missed when Katie opened her present, which sucks because I know she was going to totally love it. Bitches.
Anyway, Lindsay, Maddy and I went to Nobu and ran into Cameron and Justin and totally had a blast. I met George Clooney and he is totally not circumsized.
Anyway, Lindsay was all like, 'I totally want to got to LA with you" and I was all, "Ok, earth to Lindsay, you were not invited. You don't even know Katie or Tom." But she was like," I have to get out of Austin!" I guess she hooked up with some guy who won't leave her alone and she was dying for an In-N-Out after three weeks of only cigarettes and champagne. So I was like, "Whatever." Well, then Madison was all," You can't go without me because I'm totally supposed to be helping you find your path. Plus, Quentin is back in LA and I totally want to do him."
So anyway, Knute got on the interweb and hooked us up with some first class tickets to LAX. It was totally excellent that Knute had arranged for us to have a driver, because like I said, we were hammered by the time we got off the plane. So, I had to go directly to the shower, which was not so cool, because I was still totally flying from the X we did before we left Austin. So Lindsay and Madison - I think I'm going to start calling her Maddy because it's too hard to type Madison - anyway, Maddy and L went off to shop and sober up while I went out to the hills for this shower.
Well, Knute is on the shit list again because he totally let me leave without the frickin present or I might have left it on the plane. Either way, I think I'm going to fire him. Anyway, so I had this driver named Jorge - who was pretty cute for a Mexican or whatever. I think he said he was from Argentina, but I guess that's like part of Mexico, right? Like a state? Anyway, when I realized that Knute had forgotten the present, I was all like, "Oh shit" and he was all, "What is it?" So I was all, "I have to go to this baby shower and I totally don't even know them all that well and my lousy PA forgot to pack the present." So Jorge was like, "Do you know what religion they are?" And I was all, "I totally know that Katie is a Catholic because she was telling me about going to Catholic school one time about 2 years ago." So anyway, Jorge tells me that the traditional baby gift is like a bible and a rosary, so he took me to the bible store and I totally got the cutest little rosary and a bible that was all white and crap. It was excellent and I totally knew she was going to love it.
Well, the shower was seriously a drag. I came blowing in and I was all, "WooHOO! Party people say HO!!!!" But nobody hoed me back - WHATEV. They were all trying to be really quiet -like what is this 3rd grade with the Quiet Game? Whatever. I was totally determined to crank the party up but they were just staring at me when I climbed on the coffee table and took my shirt off. I thought maybe they needed some party favors - so I offered Kelly Preston one of my tiny bottles of tequila from the plane, but she was so uptight. She was like, 'I don't think you understand the purpose of this function." So I said, "Is it to take that stick out of your ass? Is that why we are here? I just need to know." Then that hag Jenna Elfman was all up in my grill going, "We are trying not to traumatize the baby with any unnecessary sounds." So I was like, "Why don't you stop traumatizing us all with your sorry-ass sitcoms?"
Anyway, Kirstie Alley ended up telling me to leave so I totally missed when Katie opened her present, which sucks because I know she was going to totally love it. Bitches.
Anyway, Lindsay, Maddy and I went to Nobu and ran into Cameron and Justin and totally had a blast. I met George Clooney and he is totally not circumsized.
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