Ok. So WTF? I met Lisa-Marie Presley-Keogh-Jackson-Cage-Alvardo-Blanca-Chapa through my friend Squirrel and she was like being all friendly and whatever, calling Knute and DD asking for lunches and crap. So finally, I was like "Whatever." So Knute had a dentist appointment and DD was off so I just went by myself. Well that was NOT a good idea, because I got over to her house and I walked in and it was Lisa-Marie and Jada and Katie and Kirsti. So right off the bat I was all, "FUCK!" because I totes knew something was up and I figured it had something to do with that crazy Scientology shit. So they were talking and talking about a bunch of shit about how my parents never loved me and they were there for me and wasn't I unhappy and didn't I feel like internal conflict or some crap like that. I wasn't really listening. But the next thing I knew we were all jumping in a van and I totes thought we were going shopping, but we went to some CAMP in the fucking woods! I was like, whatever. So I've been there for like 3 weeks. Those people can TALK. That's all they did was talk and talk and talk. Good thing I can like shut my ears up in my mind because I would have gone insane with all that talking. They kept trying to tell me about some alien that was living in my body or a bunch of aliens or something. I was like, "Zeno? Isn't that the zit zapper thingy? Look, if this is about an endorsement deal, I will do it, just let me go home." Then they kept offering to heal me if I would just write them a check and I was all, "Oh, Daddy doesn't let me have checks. Knute writes all the checks. I have a Enriched Uranium AmEx card, can you take that and just shut the fuck up already?" Well, I guess they didn't have a credit card machine out there because right after that in the middle of the night they came and woke me up and put me back in the van and they drove me back to The Compound and just slowed down and pushed me out in the driveway. I still am not really sure what THAT was all about but needless to say, I have deleted Lisa-Marie from everyone's phones and I am like, "Next time she calls tell her I am zapping my zits already and to leave me alone."
So anyway I'm back and like all my fans can stop worrying about me. Although I have to say that I was a little surprised that Knute is still so tan because I'm pretty sure that means that he was not out looking for me, filing police reports or whatever. I'm pretty sure he was lying by the pool and not only that, DD is super-tan too. I'm thinking that my being kidnapped by the Scientologists is going to be a real problem in the long run for me.
