Where's Monte?

So I was lying by the pool this morning - not sleeping! - and who comes walking up but Mother! I was stunned you guys. She was just in town to meet with her surgeon, I guess she's going to have another procedure. Whatever. We had lunch and then she went back to Tahiti or Bali or wherever she is nowdays. At least her "spiritual advisor" wasn't with her. He's a jerk. I don't know where Daddy is but when he hears she was here and we went to Bailey Banks & Biddle, I bet he'll finally get around to buying me that castle in England that I've been wanting.

I told Mother about not sleeping and she was like, "Well, it has been really stressful for you lately, what with your PA being kidnapped and you discovering the attic and all." And I was like, "YES! You are right! I am stressed out! Plus with Knute in the mental hospital and I had to do all my own errands and stuff. That is hard!" And she was like nodding and going, "Ummm hmmmm." Then she took a big drink of her martini and goes, "What happened to your neighbor? Did they catch him?" And I was like, "No. Stupid cops. I do make Gus check the attic everyday though to make sure there's no one up there." And she's all, "Ummm hmmmm, that's good." And now, of course, all I can think about is Monte. Where's Monte? Are the cops even looking for him? Like every single time I'm DUI or driving on my suspended license, they are all over me, but you get one crazed fan who totally tortured my PA and he's roaming the streets a free man! That is not justice you guys!

I don't know what my brain thinks is so awesome at 4:04 AM, but I haven't seen any evidence of it!

Sometimes fans are boring. Like for instants, I have a rat that's pretending to be a crazy person - or maybe it's a crazy person pretending to be a rat or a possum. I don't know! It's so confusing. I don't know why people get all crazy writing like they are someone else! Just be yourself people!

So I know you guys are all worried and whatever, so here's my sleep update. I'M NOT. Still. Last night I woke up at 2:00 and again at 4:30. My doctor told me not to turn on the light or talk to Mr. Cat or turn on the tv or get on the internets. So I just lay there like a bagel. It was so boring. This whole "schedule" thing sucks! I'm going to take the Ambien again tonight and this time I'm going to take it with Pear Vodka. Can I just say that stuff is awesome!?? Wow, I would like almost like it better than pink lemonade vodka, but like not. It's super good though. Me and Rhett were drinking some when that Squirrel was running around upstairs. I was like, "Squirrel! Put some clothes on!" Poor Squirrel.

What was I talking about? Oh yea, how boring it all is. You know, when Gus was trying to kill me, that was interesting. He keeps going, 'I was not trying to kill you, stop writing that." And I was like, "The truth hurts." I totally don't even know what that means, but whatever! Dying from spinach probably hurt, I would bet. Poor Lupe. I sure miss her margaritas.

Being smart and tired is HARD

This is a little picture of that funny toy on the myspace who loves me. I posted it because I'm totally hoping I'll be sleeping tonight. In like a couple of hours. Keep your fingers crossed.

Today, I promised my doc that I wouldn't take a nap or anything so I was like up all day. So now I am like tired. Big time. It's still super hot here, but I knew if I was lying by the pool I would go to sleep, so I just went shopping today. So boring.

You know what else is boring? That bitch Mariska stole my hair. I turned on Law & Order SUV last night and there she was - with my hair. I totally called Erica, who's sick or whatever and she was like, "Hello?" And I go, "Giving my hair out?" And she goes, "What? Who is this?" like she doesn't have Caller Id AND my number already preprogrammed. So I go, "Who the fuck do you think this is?" And she goes, "Cupcake? What's your problem?" And I was all, "What!!?? What do you think my problem is?" So she's like sneezing and whatever and she's like, "I don't know. Just tell me." I was furious. I don't know why she's playing so dumb you know? She obviously cut Mariska's hair. WHATEVER. If I was with her, I would have thrown a drink on her. I just had to hang up on her. Later on I got a text from her, "What is your problem?" I just ignored her. Now I have to find someone else to cut my hair and she's been doing it for like a couple of years and she's really good. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I just went to Knute's room and asked him about what I should do about Erica giving my hair away and he goes, "I don't think Erica is cutting Mariska Hargitay's hair, Cakes." Then I was like, "oh." Because that's totally the sort of thing she would have mentioned because that girl cannot keep a secret. So then I texted Erica back, "Im sleep deprived." But she hasn't answered me. Bitch. Knute also said that until I get some sleep, I shouldn't make any important decisions like who's going to cut my hair. Well, how am I supposed to be so smart and all when I'm so tired? I didn't really make a decision to be furious with Erica, it just happened. I don't know why he thinks I'm always thinking. I guess it's because when I do actually think, I am super smart. But it's not like I can be smart all the time.

I Am Tie-Erred

You know what sucks? When you are just writing your blog and saying stuff and not worrying about it because it's all true and then people read it and you go from 100% Supah-Awesome to 80% Supah Awesome! Like I guess those were the Jews who read my blog, one of whom just thinks I'm just Awesome. That sucks, you guys.

Whatever! Look, I am sleep deprived, ok? Last night I got, I think, three hours of sleep. My friend TS was asking me over the weekend why I don't sleep and I was all, "IDK!" So today, I went to the doctor and she gave me some Ambien. I haven't forgotten that Mims got addicted to Ambien, so I have to be careful, even though I totally don't have an addictive personality. I don't care what those fuckers at the rehab said. I totally wish I could just go to bed right now but the doctor said I have to get back on my schedule. Whatever that means. I told her it was all Rhett's fault and she agreed. Stupid Rhett. She said I have to wait until 10:00 to go to bed or else it won't fix me. I go, "I am like nocturnal!" So she just stared at me, I swear she doesn't get me. It's like English is her second language or something (it isn't). So she goes, "Well, then what are you complaining about?" So I jumped off the table and I go, "Three hours sleep! DUH!" What did she go to doctor school for? Just to ask stupid questions?

So I got a call today from some breast people who want me to be a spokesperson for the race they do - I bet they are a bra company or something! Her name was Susan something. Anyway, they have some race in October or November or something and they want me to do some press, which is awesome because I love to wear pink and I think they have some pink stuff. I'm pretty sure they are going to send me a swag bag. I wonder what they are paying me, remind me to call Yoli.

Dang, People!

Jeez. You would think I was some Iranian dude talking in NYC! Stop texting me, people! Also, stop emailing me and calling me and driving past my Compound and yelling stuff! Look, I'm sorry the Jewish people can't make waffles, but I don't know why you all are so upset about that. I know that Jewish people are competitive, even though you don't see them as atheletes all that much. That doesn't really make all that much sense, but I'm sort of hoping that this will fire them up and they'll start making decent waffles. I mean, I would like to say that I was thinking when I wrote that about the lousy waffles and that I was all about firing them up, but really I was just whining about not getting a decent breakfast, not really thinking about inspiring a whole peoples. I guess it's just a byproduct or whatever.

Anyway, the point is this: I'm just talking here. It's not like I'm thinking! I have this friend named TS and he actually thinks on his blog. I bet he uses a dictionary and a thesaurus, too! He uses lots of big words that I have to look up a lot. Whatever, that's pretty boring. Plus I'm so busy using my dictionary that I can't even follow what he's talking about. It's super awesome to have smart friends!

But it's a lot of work, too.

Today was so super-boring that I'm not even going to write about it.

Why Can't Jews Make Waffles?

So me and my waffle-friend, I'll call him Waff because I haven't ever asked him how he feels about being on the blog and he's kind of dignified, so whatever. Anyway, me and Waff went to some other Jewish place he picked and let me just say that Jews cannot make waffles. My Grandmamma used to say, "Leave the cooking to the negroes and the business to our people." I don't really know what she meant by that, but I think she was Jewish, that's what I read somewhere anyway, so I guess it's true. Anyway, she never made a waffle that I know of, so it must be true! Gus makes an awesome waffle and he's black, so that's what I'm going with. Anyway, me and Waff had a nice time, even if the waffles were soggy. Here's the thing, I've never heard a joke about Jews and waffles, but I think there might be some jokes about black people and waffles (and chicken! That's just weird!)

What was I talking about?

Anyway, Waff is super nice and interesting. I can tell he thinks a lot, which is awesome. I wish I did, but I am just too busy to be thinking so much. For instants, today me and Knute are going to lie by the pool to help get him some color. I was going to go see a movie, but I was too bored. They'll send me a screening copy if I just call, so I'll probably do that.

Gus just was looking at that picture of the waffle and he was reading what I wrote and he goes, "Honey, you can't write that! It's anti-semantic." Or something like that, I wasn't really listening. I don't know why saying Jews can't make waffles is bad. I bet there are other groups that can't too! Like Indians, for instants. So I just turned to him and said, "You didn't mind that I said black people make good waffles." He just made a face and goes, "Well, we do." And I was like, "OK! That's my point! Is it anti-semantic if it's true?" Then he just walked away mumbling. Like I wish people wouldn't always do that to me. I think it's because I'm so smart that I make them think. That is awesome.

Anyway, Waff has been super-busy lately with something he calls the high holey daze. I totally don't understand what that is, but I remember Grandmamma and Grandpappa looked at that too. That was when Grandmamma would make me change the channels on the TV because she wasn't supposed to! What the hell is that about!??

Mr. Cat Loves Ice Cream Too!

This is so weird, you guys! I've been lying here in the master suite, totally bored, not able to sleep and finally I decided to get up and go downstairs. I was thinking about ice cream and I decided to get some more. So I went down and of course, everyone is asleep, so I was being super-quiet except that Mr. Cat heard me. So I got my ice cream and went back upstairs and he sat on the bed and smiled at me while I was eating it. I said, "Mr. Cat, this is people food and you can't have any." But he just blinked at me and purred. Anyway, when I was done, I set the bowl down and he pounced on it like crazy! He cleaned the whole thing. Like seriously, I could put that bowl back in the cabinet and no one would ever know! (Not that I would do that.)

So the thing is, I don't know why I can't sleep. Every time I start drifting off, I wake back up. That is so boring! I stayed in tonight just to get caught up.

I just took my bowl back to kitchen (I put it in the sink! Don't worry!) and Knute was sitting at the counter drinking some juice. I was like, "I'm glad you're back." And he goes, "Me too." And I was all, "I hope it's not hard, being here, under the attic." And he's like, "No, not really." So I go, "Oh! Well, good." So then I stood there, like a moron, staring at the floor. And he goes, "I'm really glad to be home." And I just started bawling! Like please! I never cry! Just ask anyone! So that was super-icky and Knute jumped up and gave me a hug and I was all, "I should be comforting you!" And he goes, "That's not what you do." And that was like totally true.