I'm feeling all philosophicy or whatever

I hate it when I think. It's so boring. Remember how my parents surprised me a couple of weeks ago? I was toally ok with that because I've been making super-smart decisions lately and that is awesome, so I didn't even have to flush any coke or anything. Super-smart. Anyway, this week, this lady turns up at The Compound. I guess Daddy's people have been reading my blog again because he always sends someone to fix stuff they tell him about.

Ok, so this lady is Nancy. She's ok, I guess, but get this: She's another life coach! Can you believe that! Like after that whole feeassco with Moonbeam, I would think that Daddy wouldn't send anymore life coaches to The Compound! Anyway, somebody who works for Daddy is all worried about the gays loving me. Here's the thing: I can't help that. Everyone does. Like for instants, I have some kind of toy who thinks we are best friends now. That's hilarious. My friends tend to be people! Mostly.

Look, I can't be worrying about my new life coach. Me and Mims are getting pedis today.

Why Don't You Just Take A Bath Already?

Sometimes I really feel like I am the only smart person in the world. Me and Rhett went down to South Congress tonight for "First Thursday" and I have never seen a worse bunch of dirty hippies and witches and gypsies in my whole entire life. Seriously, why does everyone in Austin need a bath? Like, we have plumbing, people!

I am also super furious because somebody ran over a dog in my neighborhood, so today I got on the phone with The City Of Austin and I was like, "I need a speed hunch in front of my Compound." You would think no one had ever heard of a speed hunch! Me and Rhett pronounce that "Spunch" so I was like, "Get me a spunch right now! We do not need anymore dog murders." Well, you would think that girl had never spoken to a super-smart person before because she was like, "I'm sorry?" And I was like, "Yes you are." Whatever. I am just fed up with everything. I think I need to get out of town or go shopping or maybe get some new shoes or something. I don't know why I'm so sick of everything. Me and Rhett went to Sonic tonight too, those fuckers are everywhere!!! - and I didn't even care for my slushy thing. And I love frozen beverages, just ask anyone. Anyway, maybe I need Edgar to give me some more medication or maybe I'm just getting ready to get sad when Rhett leaves. I'm going to bed.

Gawd, My Life Is So Boring, You Guys!

I'm seriously thinking about killing myself because being dead could not be more boring than my life is right now. Seriously, I'm not even sure why I'm still alive - like I should have just died from the boredom.

Here's how boring my life is. Today, I got up around noon, floated in the pool for awhile, took a nap, took a shower, took another nap, called Rhett, took another nap, picked him up in the Mas, went to Sonic (that was fun!), drove down to Hill's to see Rodney Faster, saw all the trucks in the parking lot, got scared I'd get dinged, changed our minds and then drove around aimlessly for an hour, then went to some CRAZY place called a 24 Hour Wall Mart. That shit was crazy! That store had a little bit of everything. Rhett was all, "Let's go to Wall Mart. It's hilarious at night when all the poor people are there." So I was like, "I don't want to ding the Mas, is all." He goes, "We'll park far away." So we did. You would think some of those people standing around in the parking lot had never seen a Maserati before! Whatever, they were freaking out. Then this kid came up to us and was like, "What's that?" And I was just going to ignore him, but Rhett was like, "It's nothing. It's a kit car. It's really a Volkswagon." Like where does he come up with this stuff? So the kid goes, "That doesn't look like a kit car. It looks pretty sweet." So I was still just ignoring him and fixing to walk away when he goes, "In fact, I think I want it." And he pulled out one of those combs that flips open - like I've seen them on TV! I know what they look like, even though this one looked kind of weird. And Rhett was like "!". Anyway, I was like, "Are you going to comb me to death?" And he goes, "What?" So I'm like, "Your comb? Are you going to comb me to death?" So he's like, "What the fuck are you talking about bitch?" And so now I was just getting irritated, so I go, "You a hairdresser? Because I already have Erica and she is awesome." And he's all, "WHAT??!!" And I can tell that he is starting to freak out, so I took out my giant emery board - seriously, it's like 6 inches long - and I started filing my nails and I'm all, "I just got my hair cut, so like, back off." Meanwhile, Rhett is just standing there, like a goof, not saying anything. So I go, "Maybe Rhett needs a haircut." But the kid just goes, "I'm not cutting nobody's hair, I want your keys." So I was like, "What!? You can't have my keys! They probably don't even work in your car! Or your Compound!" So I was like seriously getting bored with this conversation, so I go, "Rhett, let's go be hilarious inside the store. This is boring." So we walked away and I guess that kid put his comb away, although Rhett said later it was a knife! Isn't that funny? He's so crazy making up stuff like that! Anyway, Wall Mart wasn't so hilarious, but that kid was gone when we came out, so whatever.

Gawd, I can't believe how boring my life is. Tomorrow night me and Rhett are going to something called First Thursday. I don't see how a Thursday could be first since I thought that Monday always came first, but maybe I'll figure that out tomorrow. I'm going to bed now!

Yuck

All of Austin smells like a dead cricket bat. Or a bunch of dead cricket bats. When I went to see Knute today - I guess his doctor said it was ok since I wasn't even in disguise - when I went to see Knute I was all, "What is up with those bats?" And he was like, "What bats?" So I'm all, "The little crunchy, chirpy ones." He goes, "Those are crickets." I was like, "Cricket bats stink. For reals." So he was like laughing - which was good to see - and he goes, "A cricket bat is something else entirely. A cricket is a bug." I was like, "Whatever --too complicated!" Anyway those fuckers are everywhere! At night it is like totally gross! They are flying around all the lights and tonight I had to go to the grocery store - I KNOW! I said I would never ever go back, but like I was out of that juice for my contacts and Gus won't buy me stuff like that. He only buys food. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the cricket bats! Those fuckers are piled up like coke at Kate Moss's house all over and they smell so nasty! I walked in that store and I was like, "I need a manager. Or the president." So this lady come hustling over and she was all, "How can I help you?" And I was all, "You wish you could! Can't you have your people sweep those dead cricket bats away and spray some air refreshener?" And she was all, "Certainly. Where are they?" So I totally point and go, "All over the parking lot! HELLOW! Where have you been? Your driver must drop you off at the VIP entrance if you've missed that!" So she looks all confused and she goes, "You want us to spray air freshener outside?" So I was like, "Duh!" Anyway, it sort of got complicated from there and I guess I can't go back to that HEB anymore. That's ok, it was full of poor people and cricket bats so it wasn't really my scene anyway.

Speaking of "my scene", me and Rhett are going out tomorrow to some country show in South Austin. Like that's practically a foreign country! I'm scared but Rhett says it's ok. We're supposed to be seeing someone named Rodney Foster. Rhett kept saying, "It's RADney." I was all, "Yeah right!" He's trying to make me look stupid. Ha!

New fans

So it's super-fun to have a new fan-base. Apparently, all the gays from Saturday night love me. They are all about Cupcake. Everyone is, it's so boring.

You know who really loves me? Steve. He keeps asking me when I'm going to come visit him in LA. He wants to know if I want the top bunk or the bottom bunk. I think that must be some sort of code or something. Like is that slang? I was like, "I think I'll stay in a hotel." So then he was like, "You can have my queen bed in the master." I was like, "!" I'm pretty sure that's some kind of gay code or something. It's probably really dirty or something.

I guess today was some sort of holiday because like no one was around. Gus wanted to teach me how to use the grill and that was scary, you guys! The thing about fire is: it's like crazy! You think you know what it is going to do but you don't! Like I have all sorts of respect for Butch now and his one leg working that fire with the meat, the corn and the potatoes. Plus, he was drunk. I mean, I was only grilling some burgers but I still managed to set my Hermes scarf on fire. And I was only buzzing. Can you imagine how flammable I would be if I was super-drunk? Scary. I'm thinking as far as drunk driving goes, that is way safer than drunk grilling. For reals.

So the other cool thing that happened this weekend was that I found out Rhett will be here for almost another 3 weeks. Like I'm thinking we need to go somewhere. Like London. Even though it's so boring. I don't know.

The Gays Love Me

They might as well call Splash Weekend "The Big Gay Weekend" because I guess the gays all come out for it. That was pretty cute to see a bunch of people I'll never see again. Probably.

Last night started off crazy because Rhett's dad invited me to come have dinner, I thought at the estate, but no. No. Rhett's daddy, his name is Butch and he owns a television station or some networks or something about TV, I don't really know. Anyway, Butch thinks he's like "outdoorsy" or whatever and he's always going on about hunting and fishing and cows and crap like that. We have nothing to talk about. Ever. Anyway, I put on a little Pucci dress and some Choos and headed over to the estate, but Rhett goes, "No, we are going to the land." Like that is so mysterious sounding to me. "The land." Like first we were going to space but not now! Whatever, I was thinking about that and Rhett takes me out to the air strip and we get on Butch's jet and the next thing I know we are in New Mexico. I was like, "I did not even bring my passport, you guys!" Anyway, Butch has a place out near Santa Fe. That town is cute and so foreign looking! Anyway, the driver took us out to the country. I mean out there. Butch was there, he only has one leg, by the way. He had a fire going and he was cooking steaks and potatoes and corn. I climbed down out of that SUV and I was all, "What the fuck is up with all this nature?" I was not expecting that. I don't do nature. Also, while we were sitting at this table, eating steak, a cow walked by and I was like embarassed. I wanted to go, "I hope this isn't a relative!" That cow was crazy. He had his baby cow with him and they were both drooling. Later someone told me they probably had "mad cow disease." But I was like, "He didn't seem mad, I think he just had rabies." All wild animals have it.

Anyway, you would think that would be like a full evening with all the nature and stuff, but no! We got back on the jet and flew back to Austin, went home and got all cute, I had something called "cow paddy" on Choos. That did not smell so good. Anyway, we got all cute again and went out to the bar. Rhett was looking at my outfit and he goes, "I love your little outfit! You look sexy! How did you put that together? Did you do that all by yourself?" And I was all, "Yes. I was thinking about hiring a stylist, but this outfit is so good, I might not." Rhett goes, "You don't need one. You could be one!" I was all, "!" Maybe I'll do that! I mean, that's basically what this blog is for, to like help people be awesomer and that's what a stylist does. The only problem is that I hate to work.

It's Splash Weekend, as I think I already wrote about, and the gays love me. I don't really know why except that I'm so fabulous. Anyway, it sure was confusing because, I looked awesome, and everytime I turned around someone was touching me or my Versace dress - silk - anyway, it was girls usually! I was like, "This is a gay bar. You aren't a guy." I think those girls are sad that just hang around gay bars and try to look like boys. I wanted to say, "They will never sleep with you because you are a girl." It was totally weird but most of those girls were kissing other girls by the end of the night! That is crazy! If they wanted to be with other girls, why are they at a gay bar!? "!"

Anyway we were hilarious and we saw all sorts of people we know and that was fun. Later on, after the bar closed, we were standing outside chatting and Rhett started playing one of our favorite games called, "Hi! How are you? It's good to see you again!" I love that game. Anyway we had a fabulous contestant named Steve. He was really good at it. He and Rhett really hit it off and they were chatting and then Steve's friends came over and they were so cute! Chris and Andy! I was loving them - what up, Chris and Andy!? - we talked to them for a like a hour. I was a little hurt that they only wanted Rhett's number, but I guess they were scared to ask me because I think mostly famous people don't give out their numbers except to other famous people, so nonfamous people don't even ask anymore. I wasn't mad or anything. By the time I dropped Rhett off at the estate and I got back to The Compound it like 5:00 or something! Gus was already up! I was like, "Hi! How are you? It's good to see you again!" but you can't really play with people you know or else it's not hilarious. He was like, "Are you just coming home?" And I was like, "Yes! I am exhausted from being so fabulous." So he was like, "Go to bed. You are still sick, crazy girl." So I did and I just woke up and he made me a waffle and my life is like perfect.