Thanksgiving sucks

I don't even know what Thanksgiving is supposed to be. Like I guess everyone needs a day to rest up before going shopping. I'm always ready to go shopping, so that's just a waste of time to me. Plus I don't even work, so I never need a day off. I did get Katrinka to get out my sweaters though since it's sort of cold right now.

So I went to go see Mims and Thad in Luxembourg a couple of weeks ago and then I went over to Belgium to visit my castle and Daddy SOLD IT. I was so pissed. I was like, "WTF?" When Daddy finally called me back, I was all, "there are strangers living in my castle!" And Daddy was all, "It's not your castle anymore." So then he started talking about how if I can't even be bothered to stay in rehab and take care of myself, then he was going to start selling my stuff. I was like, "I'll do outpatient!!!!" So he's not going to sell the apartment in NYC as long as I keep talking to some shrink. Like I really need this as we move into the holiday party season! Please! I just can't let Daddy sell anymore of my awesome houses! Luckily, The Compound is in my name, since Grandmamma left it to me personally. Although I was accidentally watching the VH1 the other day and I saw some crazy old man talking about how when he was in a coma his mother got his attorney's power to do something or something. I didn't really understand because I'd been drinking pomegranate martinis for three days and I was buzzed, I won't lie! But now I'm worried that if I party too hard, Daddy will get my attorney's power! I will have to be super-careful not to go into any comas! For reals!!!!

Thanksgiving or whatever

I hate holidays that move around. Like what the fuck is up with Thanksgiving? How am I supposed to keep track of when it is? Like Easter! What the hell?

Rehab SUCKED!

So I guess Mother or Daddy or somebody read the bloggy thing and they sent me off to something called "Pasadena" which is total bullshit because it's like rehab totes doesn't work for me, I've been like 14 times and I still love to party! So Knute and DD kept the whole Compound like totes perfect and I'm not even sure they missed me and plus they are all like besties now and I don't like that at all!

So anyway, I was like totes bored in Pasadena and freaking out because I was dying to come home and I missed Halloween and everything! I was going crazy, so Kitten came to visit and I was telling her how I was freaking out and needed to go home so she was all like, "You just need to come up with some really good reason to leave." So the only really good reason I could think of was cancer, so I had to try to figure out what kind of cancer I could have, so I finally decided that boob cancer was what I needed. So I told my counselor that I found a lump in my boob and I was freaking out and needed to go see my special doc in Austin. So first they made me see a doc in Pasadena and I wasn't really sure how I was going to convince that guy, but I guess he hadn't felt that many boobs because he got really confused and gave me a pass to come home. Well, I just went to see my doc here and I was pretending to try to find the lump and I was all, "Oh my gosh! That's just my implant!"

So anyway, now that I'm home I'm not going back. Gus says that pretending to have cancer to get out of rehab means I'm def going to hell, but I'm like, "Whatevs. I'm probs going there anyway! I can't start worrying about that now!" Like I can be bothered. And FYI, I'm never going to rehab again. It is so BORING! And Dr. Drew - that was my counselor - kept trying to get me to talk about my "abandonment issues". Like HELLOW! The last thing I need is to be THINKING. Mostly I need to be drinking!

ok...so

So I just got back to Austin from Luxembourg and visiting Mims and Thad. It was super-fun and me and Mims went over to Paris to shop a little, that was cute. I bought a ton of stuff, I had to buy a trunk to ship all my stuff home! I am all like tired, but I was drinking Red Bulls and Grey Goose the whole way home, so I'm like tired and wired at the same time. I still have some panda tranqs and I'm totes going to take one of those as soon as I'm done here on my bloggy thing.

Well, Knute picked me up at the airport and he was acting all crazy, and when we got into The Compound, there was like some animal control truck there and a big truck in the driveway, so I fall out of the RR and this dog cop comes over and is all, "Ma'am?" Which makes me think of Squirrel, so I go, "Ma'am?" He was all confused, but he goes, "I'm Officer Muller. Are you aware that there is a shark in your pool?" and I go, "Ma'am, that shark is in the shark tank and the pool is totes separate." Well, he did not seem to care for me calling him ma'am and he got all crazy going, "Well, the shark has passed." So I was like, "Awesome! Was he taking a class?" I had no idea what he was talking about. Turns out he was saying the shark was dead like I have no idea why he didn't just say, "your shark is dead" but he didn't. He had to get me all confused with his like total vagueness. So anyway, animal control was there to remove the shark which seems weird to me because it seems like Fish Control should be ones doing that unless a shark isn't a fish - like a whale or a dolphin or a turtle. It's totes confusing, so I guess I'm going to get a bill from the City of Austin for shark removal and who the hell knows how much THAT is going to be! I made Knute go online to look for the charges, but he said he was sure it wasn't on the City of Austin website. Whatever.

Wow!

Ok. So WTF? I met Lisa-Marie Presley-Keogh-Jackson-Cage-Alvardo-Blanca-Chapa through my friend Squirrel and she was like being all friendly and whatever, calling Knute and DD asking for lunches and crap. So finally, I was like "Whatever." So Knute had a dentist appointment and DD was off so I just went by myself. Well that was NOT a good idea, because I got over to her house and I walked in and it was Lisa-Marie and Jada and Katie and Kirsti. So right off the bat I was all, "FUCK!" because I totes knew something was up and I figured it had something to do with that crazy Scientology shit. So they were talking and talking about a bunch of shit about how my parents never loved me and they were there for me and wasn't I unhappy and didn't I feel like internal conflict or some crap like that. I wasn't really listening. But the next thing I knew we were all jumping in a van and I totes thought we were going shopping, but we went to some CAMP in the fucking woods! I was like, whatever. So I've been there for like 3 weeks. Those people can TALK. That's all they did was talk and talk and talk. Good thing I can like shut my ears up in my mind because I would have gone insane with all that talking. They kept trying to tell me about some alien that was living in my body or a bunch of aliens or something. I was like, "Zeno? Isn't that the zit zapper thingy? Look, if this is about an endorsement deal, I will do it, just let me go home." Then they kept offering to heal me if I would just write them a check and I was all, "Oh, Daddy doesn't let me have checks. Knute writes all the checks. I have a Enriched Uranium AmEx card, can you take that and just shut the fuck up already?" Well, I guess they didn't have a credit card machine out there because right after that in the middle of the night they came and woke me up and put me back in the van and they drove me back to The Compound and just slowed down and pushed me out in the driveway. I still am not really sure what THAT was all about but needless to say, I have deleted Lisa-Marie from everyone's phones and I am like, "Next time she calls tell her I am zapping my zits already and to leave me alone."

So anyway I'm back and like all my fans can stop worrying about me. Although I have to say that I was a little surprised that Knute is still so tan because I'm pretty sure that means that he was not out looking for me, filing police reports or whatever. I'm pretty sure he was lying by the pool and not only that, DD is super-tan too. I'm thinking that my being kidnapped by the Scientologists is going to be a real problem in the long run for me.

Some stuff like Waff being a Lesbian Matchmaker

You guys, I am like super-tan right now. I have just been lying by the pool, staring at my shark for days and just relaxing. It's totes awesome to have two PAs, I should have done this ages ago. DD takes care of the business stuff and Knute makes all my grooming appointments and keeps the bar stocked, plus he's spending a lot of time lying by the pool with me. I think the shark tank was an awesome addition to the whole pool area. He doesn't seem to mind DD now that he realized she's doing a whole lot of the crap he used to do, like finding a shark wrangler.

So I had brunchy with Waff and I think he was saying something about starting a lesbian matchmaking service, he might have said something else, I wasn't really listening. He's awesome. Instead of trying to hook up other people, he needs to find someone for himself - but not a lesbian because he's not a girl.

I just called DD out here to the verandah and told her to find a girl for Waff. She had a pen and paper in her hand but instead of writing anything down, she goes, "What?" So I go, "Waff needs a girl. He's finding girls for other girls, so he needs one too." So she goes, "Is Waff a boy?" And I was like, "DUH." So she goes, "I had to ask since you and Squirrel and Lisa Marie Presley-Alvarado-Keogh-Jackson-Cage-Montreuil-Blanca-Chapa play that game where you call ladies 'sir' and men 'ma'am', it's super confusing!" I was like, "That is a game. It doesn't have anything to do with Waff." So DD goes, "Should I put him on Match.com or something?" I was all, "That is your problem."

So I have a new stalker. I've been thinking seriously about this vow of charity and how it's just not working out for me, plus how long am I supposed to do it? Or like, NOT do it. I wish I had thought this through a little better and not gone on Larry King to talk about it and crap. Plus Paris didn't keep up her end of the bargain, so like I don't even know why I'm bothering. So the new stalker is kind of cute and I'm thinking it's time for a change. So whatever.

Holy crap, you guys!

So, like I've been getting bombarded with requests for information about what happened in Dallas and I like since I sold the writes to OK! Magazine I couldn't say anything until the edition came out, but now I can talk about it, plus the DA in Dallas has said I'm not a suspect.

So ok. Brookie died in Dallas under suspicious circumstances. And of course I was there, but I totes have witnesses who saw us having a drinkie in the lobby of our cute little hotel and making up. I fact, I totally had convinced her to drop the attempted murder charges against me, so there's no way I would have been the one to smother her in her room with a decorative blue pillow. I mean, seriously! I needed her to talk to the prosecutor in Austin first!

The other good thing to come out of all this is that Knute is back! Of course, I have DD now and she's so good, I didn't really want to get rid of her, so I made Knute my Executive Assistant and DD is still my PA. I don't really know what I'm going to do with two PAs but I'm sure I can keep them busy and I need Knute. I was totes lost without him. He doesn't like DD, but that's his problem not mine! He was like, " Look I will come back now that Brookie is dead, but you have to get rid of DD." I was all, "Whatever! She's awesome!" So he was pouting, but I was all strong and like having boundaries or whatever and I won! So I have them both. Gus was all, "What are you going to do with two assistants?" So I go, "DD can be Knute's assistant." Gus goes, "Yea, that's a good idea." I was super-glad he agrees with me!

So tonight, Knute was busy unpacking stuff back into his suite at The Compound, so me and DD went to get some dinner and when we were driving back, the Mas started acting all crazy, so I pulled over and one of the tires was flat! I was like, "FUCK!" So DD was all over the iPhone making calls and getting someone to come deal with it while I was just sitting there being furious. So we'd been there awhile and DD was outside acting real important which was sort of cute and suddenly DD gets back in the car and she goes, "Don't freak out but there's a big old bear who stopped to change the tire for us." I was like, "A BEAR? I want to see a bear change a tire!" But the bear was gone and there was just some guy was working on it for us. All he wanted was an autograph even though I tried to give him a couple of hundreds. He had an earring in each ear like a girl and a totally bald head! That was hilarious. Anyway, overall I'm totally traumatized and had to take a handful of Xanax and Knute freaked out when he heard about it. I was like, "I didn't even SEE the bear, it went back in the woods, I guess." Still, he was upset that DD didn't call him. I was like, "As if you know how to change a tire." There may be some problems between those two, it sort of reminds of Lupe and Katrinka before Lupe ate the spinach and Katrinka got her papers. Those two were always were at each other, remember? My long-time fans will remember that, it was crazy! I don't need that crap again.

Holy crap, you guys!

I just realized I've been so like traumatized by all the crap going on that I haven't even posted any pictures with my posts and that is not like me, for reals. So this here is a picture of a lemon cupcake, my very favorite.

So, ok, I went to Dallas to see Rhett this last weekend and I was totes just going to go and not worry about it, but my new PA was all, "I bet we can get you permission to go" and it turns out she just called my bail bondsman and I was like on my way! I was going to take her with me, but Edgar says I need some boundaries, so I made her stay home. Too bad too because the hotel was not cute and I bet she could have gotten me some more comps. I didn't want Harvey to go either, so I drove myself. My ass was killing me on the drive up there. I don't know how you people drive yourself around all the time.

So there's lots to tell from the weekend, I don't even know where to start. First of all, Squirrel was there, which I totally didn't remember although I think Rhett told me that like forever ago! It was a super nice surprise. I totes liked Squirrel before the weekend but now I love him. He's hilarious. He had some friends with him - one of which was a girl who was crazy - PLUS Rhett apparently knows the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and they were fun too, except when they start like cheering in the middle of a bar. That was sort of weird, I was like, "What is going on?" Luckily me and Squirrel were totes trying to see who could drink the most. I think I won, but I'm not really sure. Anyway, after enough vodka tonics, you don't really need to know what cheerleaders are cheering for, you know? It's like zing or whatever.

When we got asked to leave the bar, the paps were all over the place. That was super-boring. The cheerleaders were posing for cameras and I was signing autographs for awhile but then I got like really bored and decided I didn't want to sign anymore but the cheerleaders were being nice and whatever. I was all, "How can you be so polite?" Only I might have said "fake" which was totes not what I meant. It was the vodka and I totally blame Squirrel! So like, if you are one of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders that I offended, that's not what I meant. Quit texting me and threatening me, okay?

More later!

I have a new PA, you guys!

Daddy's lawyers said I obviously "need a handler" which sounds sort of dirty to me, but whatever, so they found me DD or maybe it's DeeDee, I guess it could be Didi - but I don't think she's French or anything so I don't really know how to spell it. She's ok, I guess. She laughs at like everything I say which I totes don't get because 99% of the time I am not joking but she's totally into like make-up and hair and whatever so that's good. Plus she never tells me what to do, unlike SOME PAs I've had in the past who will remain nameless (Knute Fairchild).

Today we were running all over town and that was so boring because everyone wants to talk to me and get pictures and I get so tired of running from the paps and stuff and plus being nice is super-hard. I had to take a nap.

This summer I am all about yellow, so make a note.

Don't forget to watch me be a presenter at the Glad Bag Awards this weekend which are apparently all about garbage and the gays. I know that the gays are all super-neat which is nice and totes makes sense that a trash bag would sponsor their gay awards, and it totally got me thinking that it would be awesome to get a sponsor myself. So, if you are a company of something I like please call DD, she will totally negotiate for me. I'm thinking like vodka maybe.

Rehab is like super-boring

So I guess sometimes when you think the DA is hot for you, he's really just out to get you because I guess he's jealous of how awesome your life is. Like I don't know how I misread THAT. So I was supposed to stay in Austin as a condition of my bail, but it was CANNES, you guys! So I figured no one in Austin cares about Cannes and who pays attention to that really? So I thought I'd just slip off and go and keep like a super-low profile and Bob wouldn't find out and Daddy's lawyers would never know because they don't do anything awesome like go to movie festivals or read the gossip pages or watch the TMZ, right? So I went and it was boring, of course but then Lindsey's boyfriend and I got in a fight at some place and I guess the paps took some pictures and plus we both got arrested and that totes sucked, so anyway, the people back here found out and the judge made me come back in and then I had to go to rehab AGAIN. PLUS, Lindsey's boyfriend is a GIRL! That is totes confusing!

They wouldn't let me have my computer at the rehab place, which SUCKED by the way! I haven't ever been to rehab like that, it was all zing I guess because they just put you in a room and left you there. An hour or so a day, you get to go outside and walk around. I guess you are supposed to do it all yourself and not go to "sessions" and stuff. I didn't like the outfits though. I had to wear this icky one-piece thing. It didn't do anything for me and the shoes were awful. I've never been to a rehab where you couldn't wear your own clothes! It was weird. My room was nice and airy though! One wall was all open, sort of, except for the bars. It was cute.

Ok!

Stop yelling at me, people! I'm sorry, I have been like super busy and bored and just haven't felt like writing. Like doesn't a celebretard have the right to like check out sometimes? Plus I went to rehab, so there.

So I was looking back to see what was going on last time I wrote and a bunch of crap has happened. Knute is still with that whore Brookie and she won't return my calls. I don't know how I'm supposed to explain why I drugged her if she won't let me. I know she reads this, so like I'll just say this, "It was totes justified, hokay?" She needs to get over it. She didn't even come to the pretrial hearing, so I don't know why she's acting like a "victim" or whatever because if she can't be bothered to come why is the prosecutor even bothering? Oh, and by the way, he is HOT. His name is Bob and I was all, "hellow, Bob!" I swear, he's hot for me and that is totes boring unless I can get him to drop the charges or something. Daddy's lawyer wants me to totes work on that!

Rehab was quick, I just did 10 days because I was so bored. I left before the 90 days they wanted from me. Like I'm going to do anything for 90 days! Please!

I went to the symphony again with my friend Tenny. I know why they call it "phony" -- those people all look like a-holes. I kept going, "When is something going to HAPPEN??" Tenny just kept telling me to be quiet which is SUPER Boring. So I was texting Rhett and he was being hilarious playing a new game he calls "Show Me Your Crack" which is kind of like "Show Me Your Shoes" except with asses. I can't wait to play it because he'll be here in a couple of weeks and we are going to tear it up. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the phonies at the symphony. What's funny is that Tenny isn't phony - he's fun. So I don't know why he keeps taking me to hear all that. Like how many violins do you need, for reals?

My trainer is awesome. His name is Mark and I love him. He's huge! I'm going to make him be my bodyguard because the paps have gone totes crazy with this murder charge thing. I need a whole security team, but since Mark is so huge he's like his own security detail! He says he doesn't want to work for me, but I'll wear him down. I'm super charming!

Mother is still up in space, I have a friend who works for NASA and he got me in touch with her. She says the space station is super boring which totes does not surprise me.

Stewing

So I've been so bored that I decided to hire a personal trainer. He's scary! First I was going to turn Knute's rooms into a home gym, but he told me he wants me to get out of the house so he made me join a gym. I hate gyms. But the second time I went, I saw Squirrel there and that was awesome! I love Squirrel! Like the thing is this: I hate to sweat but I am so bored I don't know what to do with myself. Turns out Knute is in Idaho with Brookie and she hired him and they are all happy or whatever. I am like, Whatever! I'm the one who picked him to be my PA when he was selling lip gloss at Sephora. Like he didn't know anything back then - I made him who he is today! OMFG, I'm so mad all of a sudden! And Brookie! That whore. I can't help it that she's so annoying that I had to drug her. I had no choice, really when you think about it. What was I supposed to do? I had to go out with Scar. This is making me totes livid!

I'm going to go downstairs to talk to Gus. At least he's still here and didn't abandon me. GAWD I hate Knute!

Oh yeah, so today is Mother's Day and I was trying to find Mother all day. Her masseur, Thor, said she's on the international space station. But I don't know if that's true or not. But I couldn't find a listing for it and when I called the 411 the operator just hung up on me. So, Mother, if you are reading this on the space station or in Tahiti or wherever: Happy Mother's Day. Like, call me, hokay?

SIGH

Gus says I need to quit sitting in Knute's room and "stewing" - I don't like stew. Gus said I should go to one of the other houses, but I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to leave Austin while I'm out on bail. I've been trying to call Brookie because I was totes thinking that like an apology could maybe fix things. Like, "Sorry I totes wasn't trying to kill you!" But Daddy's lawyers told me not to call her so I figure as long as I don't leave a message on her voice mail, I'm probably ok. She won't answer though, even though I got a group email from her saying that she was back home and doing fine, so I don't see what the problem is, for reals! I mean, I don't think you can call it a coma if you're not even unconscious for a whole day. Anyway, one of the things Daddy's lawyers said was that I need to quit writing about the whole thing on my bloggy deal but I'm like, "It's my life! I share everything with my fans!" So anyway, they may try to take down my bloggy thing, which would suck because now that Knute is gone, it's all I have to do all day.

Depressed

Knute is gone. Brookie got released from the hospital, the cops came here, I got arrested yesterday, got bailed out and Knute is really gone. Brookie is back in Utah or Idaho or wherever she is from and I think Knute is with her. I was just sitting in his old room and he left his keys and his Blackberry and his pager and he took EVERYTHING, so I sort of think he's not coming back. Plus Daddy is like super-furious, according to his lawyers. Daddy's secretary, Vanessa, says that drugs or DWIs is one thing but that attempted murder is something else entirely. I think the charge is excessive, but like what do I know?

Fuck me twice!

So Knute just finally got back to The Compound and he's not even talking to me. Gus made red beans and rice for dinner which was awesome and I was just sitting in the kitchen having some dinner and Knute walked in. He just went right past me to the elevator and I was all, "HELLOW!" Well, I should have kept my mouth shut because he went nuts! Turns out it took awhile for Brookie to regain consciousness and Knute now says he's not going to work for a murderer anymore. Technically, it's like attempted murder or maybe like negligent homicide or something. Maybe like reckless endangerment. Anyway, that's besides the point. The point is, he's upstairs packing all his shit and says he's leaving and not coming back. Well, he's done that before so I'm not scared. He's super mad, though.

Well, Fuck Me.

I just got off the phone with Knute who's still at the hospital with Brookie. He's still furious and now he's saying that he can't work for me anymore because I'm totally without morale or something but I think I'm very upbeat mostly.

Cheese and limes

It's almost Sinko de Mayo again! This time last year I was in Rhode Island with Rhett and I was super-confused because it is definitely NOT an island.

So today, I was IMing Scar while I was hiding in the utility room from The Houseguest. Brookie was looking for me everywhere but of course that girl wouldn't go in the room where laundry gets done because she might accidentally fold something!

(Actually, I totes didn't even know I had a utility room until today when I was looking for a place to hide! I thought we sent the laundry out!)

So what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Brookie, driving me nuts with her foot and those crutches and whatever. So late this afternoon, I made her some hot chocolate and crushed up some extra painkillers in so I could go out with Scar. Once Brookie passed out, I got in the Maz and headed downtown for margs and queso (it's pronounced "kay, so" It's Spanish. Mostly it's just cheese.) Anyway, we were like telling stories about Justin and his wiener and the waitress was freaking out because there really weren't any famous people in this little place and when she came to take one round of our drinks, she was like, "Can I ask you a question?" And Scar, she's nicer than me, was all, "Sure." And the girl goes, "How long have you been friends because I didn't even know you guys knew each other, much less that you would be hanging out drinking margs together." And Scar was like, "Couple of years." So she was like, "Awesome." Then I was all, "Bring us another round or that bitch will tear you up." Then the waitress laughed like super loud. I totes don't know what she was laughing about because when Scar's booze is late, she is like scary. Not scarry - whoa! I don't even know what I'm typing right now. I shouldn't write on my bloggy thing when I've been drinking but that IS most of the time, so I don't know when I would write.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, so when I got home a little while ago, Knute was all calling and he was like furious because he said I could have killed Brookie with the painkillers but I was all, "Hey, she's gotta learn to handle her pills!" So now Knute is not speaking to me, Brookie is still at the ER because I guess she can't handle her pills and Knute is up there with her, being furious. Knute had to call the ambulance when he couldn't find her pulse or whatever so now he feels like he can't leave her, but I am too drunk to drive up to the hospital and plus I'm super-tired. How long does it take to make a bone stop running around in your foot? Because she's seriously GOT TO GO.

Oh yea, me and Scar got pedis too!

It's so hard to be so awesome!

These are my new Choos. Awesome, right?

So here's the thing. Brookie came and her foot looked seriously effed up, so Knute took her to a orthodontist or some kind of bone doctor and turns out she has like a bone roaming around loose in her foot. Like, GROSS! I'm pretty sure bones are supposed to stay put.

Here's the thing about houseguests: they suck. It's just a whole lot more work for the staff and I have to be nice all the time and that just sucks. Plus Brookie is so bored she never leaves me alone. Like I'm seriously considering starting to run or something because I know she can't follow me. I mean, when I see her like 4 times a year, she's super-fun, but having her right next to me for days on end is like boring. And I feel like I can't really fight with her because she got some AWESOME painkillers when she went to the orthodontist so she's good for that. So what was I talking about? I might have to go to the apartment in NYC just to get away from her. Plus I've been solving all the problems this one friend of mine has and frankly, she has so many problems that I get tired of typing some nights because she lives in NYC so I'm fixing her life via email and IMs and crap like that. My fingers are killing me, like I think I have corporal chunnel or whatever. Some days it is hard to be so awesome. Like people want to live with me while their free-range bones settle down and other people want my awesome advice about relationships and jobs and crap that I don't even have. It's exhausting.

OMG, I totally got sidetracked talking about myself that I forgot to talk about The Incredible Hulk Hogan and his daughter Brooke who is not my houseguest, that's a different Brooke or Brookie -- it's super confusing. Anyway, did anyone see those pictures of The Incredible Hulk rubbing tanning oil on her butt? That was weird. Why would he do that? I mean, it's awesome that he's worried about skin cancer or whatever, but why was he touching her? My daddy hasn't even hugged me since I was like 4, much less applied a SPF to my butt. There's just no need for that. And not because I like to be awesomely tan, but because your butt falls into the parts of your body people shouldn't touch unless they buy you dinner or drinks first. My nanny taught me that.

Today is Houseguest day!

So this morning, I was all resting with Mr. Cat in the master suite but I could hear people screaming outside. So at first I thought maybe we did have a tornado and it was people waiting to be rescued or something. But it turns out there was some Fun Run going right past the gate to The Compound. Although I don't know if you can really call it "fun" when it's raining. That does not sound like "fun" to me.

Knute has gone to the airport to pick up Brookie, he's furious because she told him last night that she wants a Rascal to ride around in and I was like, "If Brookie wants it, you better get it." Now that I think about, I was thinking that he was furious with her, but I bet he's furious with me. Plus I think he wanted that tacky necklace that I gave to Katrinka. Anyway, so Knute was on the phone all morning (and I should know because he woke me up) and I guess he found one judging from the amount of cussing going on. The good news is that we have the Range Rover to ride her around in and she won't be able to get her leg into the Maz so I don't have to take her anywhere because I still totes can't back up in the RR. I hit another tree like a month ago and Knute told me not to drive it anymore. I think it's just because he wants to drive it. Which is fine. Although we did end up losing the tree, so maybe he's got something there.

Projects

It looks kind of like a ring, but it's a bracelet and guess what? Daddy's going to buy it in his first step of The Make It Up To Cupcake program. I gave that necklace to Katrinka and she was real happy, but I don't know where she's going to wear it because she doesn't go out much.

So we are about to have a tornado here in Austin. The TV is all about it on every local channel. Not that I ever watch TV that much, mostly it's just by accident. Even though I have a totally awesome media room. It's partly underground so I guess that's where we'll all go when the tornado comes. Knute is freaking out because of the tornado and the houseguest we are about to have. I love having guests but only when they stay in the guesthouse. I don't like having them actually IN the house. Member Bucky? He was out there forever, but I'm pretty sure he's gone, so that's where we're putting our guest.

So my friend Brookie broke her leg when she fell offstage drunk the other night. I'm all like, "That's what you get for being drunk on stage." She was feeling really bad since the doctors in the mergency room thought she had a substance abuse problem (she does) so they wouldn't give her any pain killers. So she's doing really bad. She was all texting me and going, "Do you still have the hippo tranqs?" I'm like, "Those are long gone!" Turns out she's out of the show because of her leg, so she's going to come to The Compound to heal. I know she just wants some drugs, but whatever. It's been super-boring here lately, so a hopped up musical theater actress might be hilarious! Too bad I already gave Katrinka that ugly necklace or else I'd give it to Brookie. She'd probably wear it. We met in rehab one time. Did I mention that? What up, Brookie???

WTF?!!?

I sent Daddy's secretary, Vanessa, a picture of that necklace I found in DC and told her to tell Daddy to buy it for me. Well, that was like Monday and today THAT came in the mail. Like I'm gonna wear that! The other one was super-cute, just like one blue rock with some little rocks around it. Very cute, but this thing? Seriously! I'm not going to wear that. I think I'll just give it to Katrinka.

I called Vanessa and I was all, "What is this?" And she goes, "Isn't it gorgeous? It belonged to the tsarina." I don't even know what a tsarina is but I made her spell it because I knew I was going to have to write about what a totally huge disappointment this is. It sounds like a mammal that lives in the ocean, like a porpoise or something. "I was on the ferry when I saw the tsarinas frolicking in the waves." Or something.

When I saw the velvet box I was like, "Yay! The Bob Hope Diamond!" But no. So now I'm looking for a watch because I need something cute to wear. Plus, Daddy's going to buy it because he didn't get me what I wanted. I might need a new house too. Maybe in London. Or Spain. Or somewhere awesome!

What the hell is Earf Day?

This is a picture of a flower near the house in DC. I think it's a peony. It was really pretty, if you like that sort of thing.

I posted it because today is Earf Day. I don't know what that means but I think you are supposed to plant something or some crap like that. I hate nature though, so I figure putting a picture up is doing my part.

So Gus has taken off the week. So me and Knute have to cook our own food. Which sucks, totes. We had cereal tonight for dinner. Knute knows how to cook but he won't. That's because he's still mad at me for letting Olga put him in the basement. Whatever! I'm scared of her too!

Me and Rhett went to the ghetto. Not in Poland though.

That's the house on Logan Circle, pretty cute huh? My room is on the other side of the house, but you can see Knute's window in this picture. Olga, the housekeeper won't let him have a guest bedroom, so he has to sleep with the servants in the basement. Isn't that hilarious? She's a terror! Rhett is scared of her, but at least she let him stay in one of the bedrooms!

So I was just taking a nap a little while ago and thinking all the fun stuff we did, like ride around with Mac and eating at Ben's Chili Bowl with the poor people. That was hilarious. We went to the ghetto! Mac said that Logan Circle was the ghetto for awhile and that was when Daddy bought the house. The only thing I don't understand is this: When we were at Ben's Chili Bowl eating poor people food, I didn't see any Jewish people at all, they were all black. I know that Jewish people live in ghettos because me and Rhett went to the Holocaust Museum. It's super confusing! We were standing in line at the museum and me and Rhett were talking about the Holocaust and I told him about how I accidently went to a couple of other Holocaust Museums and they are not really hilarious at all. But Rhett was determined to go. He was all, "Everything I know about history I learned from musical theater." So I was like, "ok, whatever." We did that whole museum and it took like hours. There were people all over there and it was super complicated. All I know is that it makes me sad for Grandmamma who got sent away from the ghetto and didn't get to eat poor people food during the Grate War. I have no idea what any of that means, and Mother told me not to talk about it ever, so don't tell anyone.

Anyway, me and Rhett snuck out of the house around midnight and walked up to U Street to eat poor people food and let me just say, there were LOTS of poor people up there. There were people sleeping on the sidewalk. I don't know why they are so tired, but they should go home! It's not dignified to sleep in public - just last Lindsey Lohan!!! Anyway, when we got back Mac and Olga were furious that we went up to U Street. I was like, "I am not scared of black people, Mac! I mean obviously!" What could he say, he's black! And I'm not scared of poor people either because they do good stuff like mow lawns and stuff or whatever. Maybe that's why they are so tired.

Some More Stuff About DC

DC was fun, but I'm always glad to get back to The Compound. For reals, I might be a hermit. Anyway, me and Rhett had a awesome time, even though I am super-pissed! On Saturday, Rhett was doing two of his shows, so I was all by myself. So Knute suggested some places and I wasn't listening so whatever! Anyway, we went to this store called The Museum of Natural History where I saw this cute little number. It was in a glass case and I called the clerk over and said I wanted to buy it. That clerk just laughed at me. I was like, "Do you know who I am?" And he just goes, "It's not for sale." And I was all, "Everything is for sale." Well, he kept saying he wasn't going to let me buy it and then he told me to "move along". I was like, "Oh no you didn't!" Well, I guess Knute heard the commotion (I think he was shopping in the dinosaur section, I was like, "We are not putting that fucker in the foyay, in case you are wondering!) so he came running and was like, "This isn't a store! Nothing is for sale." So I was all, "THEN WHY DID YOU BRING ME???" I don't know why people kept refusing to let me shop on this trip. So I didn't get to buy that diamond, but I still want it. I bet Daddy could get it for me.

The only good thing about this trip was seeing Rhett and how cute the house is. Plus I totes forgot how much I love all the people in his show. Particularly Furious Trousers - his pants still make me totes enraged - but he is super sweet. In fact, I didn't really even notice his trousers so much this time. Then there is Brookie. She is a mess, I totes love her. (What up, Brookie?) She is like the main person in the show and she is all singing and dancing and crap like that. I am like, "Whatever!" Who has time to be doing that? I am super-busy! There is a new person in the show who totes confused me. It's name is Katie and after the show I was sure it was a girl, but then when it met me, it said something about being a tranny so now I am super confused. It looks like a girl, but the good ones always do...

Anyway I am confused. I think I have the jet leg because I am super tired. More later with more pictures!

THIS IS NOT A MALL, PEOPLE

I have no idea why our nation's capital is all crazy with the false advertising, but I am OVER it already.

First of all, I found out that damn pope is in town. I don't know what that is, but it seriously screwed up traffic. Then I decided to swing by Jenna's Mom and Dad's house and this old man in a dress was all telling me I was going to hell. I was like, "Who the fuck are you?" And he was all, "I am Benedict Arnold" or something, which I know is a damn lie because that guy died like way back in the 70s. So anyway, I was totes over him until I caught a glimpse of his FABULOUS red Prada loafers and I was all, "Perhaps I have been hasty." Because any tranny who can pull off red Prada pumps is ok in my book. So we ended up talking about shoes and shit like that and we are totes best friends now. He was playing baseball or something (I wasn't listening whenever he talked) so he couldn't go play with us today.

So when I got in yesterday, Rhett was already at the townhouse on Logan Circle - super cute, too! I haven't been here in awhile and Daddy's had some work done to it. The fourth floor looks especially cute and the rooftop garden looks way better than last time. Anyway, so Rhett is doing his little show and so I decided to just go downtown to see the theater and whatever and I ended up staying to watch. It's cute, you should go for reals, fans in the DC area. Ok, first of all, I sat with the light guy because I was too bored to bother buying a ticket and I swear to god, I thought that guy was going to molest me. He has issues! (What up, Paddy!?) After the show we got back to the house and Daddy's driver, Mac, was sitting in the kitchen. I love Mac, he's been around forever. So Mac was all, "Where do you kids want to go tomorrow?" And Rhett was all, "Everywhere! Georgetown, the river, the mall" and I was all, "The mall!?" I totes wasn't thinking about shopping until Saturday but like I am always up for a spree. So this morning, Mac is waiting with the car and we're supposed to go to the mall - there is no mall. It's a bunch of crap. No Nordies, No Neiman, No NOTHING. I have never been so bored in my whole entire life. We did eat at a cute place in Georgetown. The hilarious thing is this: Just outside Austin is a town called Georgetown. Isn't that hilarious?

So anyway, Rhett had to do his show again tonight and I didn't want to see it so I went back to the house, all the gays were out walking their little rats in Logan Circle and letting them poop everywhere and sniffing butts (the rats, not the gays). Anyway, I decided to go over to the park just to sit for a sec and of course, I was totes swarmed by well-groomed men in fabulous shoes with rats on leashes. So I was signing autographs and posing for pics and who comes tearing out of the house but Knute! I was like, "SMOOCHES!" I was sorry Knute wasn't around today because he would have found me a Armani store or something in that stupid mall. This is precisely why I prefer boutiques. Anyway, I was glad to see Knute and he has a whole itinerary for us tomorrow. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am all about history and shit, but I just want to get my shop on.

The pink trees are real pretty here, though.

Crap!

Knute says NO PYTHONS. Crap.

Damn, you guys!

Did you know these little effers could get into your house and chew up stuff like electricity? So yesterday, I was totes looking over the list that Knute made for me of stuff to take to DC with Rhett and suddenly - BAM! everything went off: lights, tv, computers, stereo, ipod, A/C, blender, microwave, dvd player, - why did we have all that shit on? It's crazy! Anyway, Knute goes to check the "braker box" and then I heard him scream like a little girl! Me and Gus went running and found him just freaking out at the braker box. Apparently a rat got in and shorted everything out. That rat was like crispy! That rat was seriously despondent. I was like, "Ummm, does that mean that we can call The Hot Network Guy (THNG) again?" So anyway, now Knute has to stay in Austin at The Compound while I go to the townhouse in DC to meet Rhett. Once everything is all fixed, Knute will come on. But see, here's the thing, I'm thinking that if we keep having network problems THNG is never going to be able to ask me out because Knute says they probably have some kind of no-dating-customers rule and while all this is going on I can't date him. So somebody needs to tell the rats to stay out of my braker box because that guy is HOT.

So anyway, I'm going to DC and I may be way too busy being fabulous to write anything for you people, so don't freak out, kay? I'll write a ton of stuff and post some pictures and whatever we I get back.

OMG! I just had an awesome idea, I'm going to get a python, because I've been wanting one for awhile, and put it by the braker box. No rats will try to sneak past a python to kill themselves. I mean if they are all suicidal or whatever, they will just go to the python and I can date THNG. Let me go tell Knute to do that before he comes to DC.

Hellow Hotness

I would have written last night but I was too drunk to type. Me and Jessica went out and had a bunch of drinkies. That was fun, and then I was supposed to have dinner with Waff and Jessica wanted to come because she had a date she wasn't all that fired up about. So we met up with Waff and of course he was fun because he always is. But then Jessica's date came and it got weird. Me and Waff were like, "We never act like that." Seriously. The more I know other people, the more I love my friends because they are awesome.

But that's not the hotness, here's the hot thing: Network Man.

Network Man.

It's totes weird to give some hot guy your number and not have him call right away. I'm thinking he will definitely call tonight because it's almost the weekend and I need to commit soon because the offers keep pouring in and I don't want to hold a slot for him if he's not going to call, you know? But like if he doesn't call that will be just weird, because they always call and I know he liked me and HELLOW I'm Cupcake. He came back yesterday to finish working on The Compound and I was like, "hellow." There was this little part of me that thought maybe when I saw him again I wouldn't think he was so hot, but he still was. That is crazy to me. Also, he didn't finish AGAIN and said he would come back next week but I'm going to be gone to DC so I hate for him to be disappointed because I am awesome like that and super-caring.

STOP CALLING!

Sheesh!!! Ok, the person with my fan from Saturday was not a midget, he was a child. I'm sorry already!!! Plus I guess you aren't supposed to call them "midgets" - especially when they are kids. It's super confusing.

I wouldn't eat a kid either, just you know.

Man Magnet, for reals!

So yesterday, something went all crazy with the computer network in The Compound, which I totes know NOTHING about so I'm not even going to say anything about anything. Anyway, Knute called somebody and they sent out this guy who was hot to fix it. Normally, I wouldn't go for a guy with dirty hands, but holy crap you guys!!! He was gorge. Tall, smiley, funny. Normally I do not give out my real phone number to civilians or whatever but he was so cute I was like, "Let me give you my number in case you think of anything you need." (I was totes not thinking about computer network "needs" if you know what I mean!) Anyway, he has to come back tomorrow and I am like all thinking about what I'm going to wear and crap like that. He has to go into the attic, which of course is traumatic for me and even more so for Knute because of that abduction thing or whatever, but I'm already thinking about errands I can make Knute go do while the hot guy is here. The last thing I need is Knute mooning around when I'm trying to get my flirt on, you know?

My faithful readers or whatever will know that I'm been in like a dry spell after me and Paris made our vow of charity (although that whore totally did not keep up her end of the bargain - for reals! I was seriously all about it and I think she just did it for the publicity.) Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, so when Erica cut my hair awhile back, she said my bloggy thing was funner when I was a whore. And I got to thinking about it and she is totes right! Plus I was having way more fun!!! So the first thing I did was call my vet friend and he gave me some polar bear diet pills - which are AWESOME, by the way - and that really just got the whole thing rolling. I think they like changed my chemistry or something because this last weekend I had 5 people ask me to do stuff! Of course this was before Hot Network Man. Now I'm like, "How can I juggle all my fans and stalkers and a Hot Network Man?" Is it possible to be TOO popular? I don't think so, really. I mean, it's all about choices and I am definitely pro-choice.

The funniest picture I've ever seen in my whole entire life

Don't eat monkeys, people!

I have no idea what the hell I did tonight. I think I ate one of these effers, but I'm not sure. The thing is, we were at some festival and the place we ate was like serving squirrel and frog and raccoon. Who the hell eats raccoon? They have little hands!!!

One of my fans took me to this Louisiana festival thing and I have to say, if they eat cute animals with little hands in Louisiana then I definitely don't want to go there. My friend Jenn lives there and that makes me scared for her! She's probably eating rats and mice and gawd knows what out there. I have a raccoon that lives down by the fish pond and I wouldn't eat it. That would be like eating Mr. Cat! What other animals have little hands? I think monkeys have hands. I wouldn't eat a monkey either. It just seems rude. Like I'll totes eat something with fins or hoofs or something. But hands are just a little too close, you know?

Anyway, it was mostly fun. My fan had a midget with him. I don't care for midgets, they make me nervous. I wouldn't eat a midget either, they have little hands.

Rules about underpants

Gus says it's not "appropriate" for me to sit around in the house in my underwear. Like for instants, right now, I'm sitting in the media room in a T-shirt and my underpants. I don't understand what the problem is. He made me leave the kitchen where I was sitting on one of the barstools, drinking coffee and talking to him about last night.

OH! I just had an awesome comeback come to me. I just now went back into the kitchen and I go, "I bet it's ok with you when I sign your paychecks in my underpants." He just looked at me and goes, "Don't even talk like that, you don't sign nothing." GAWD that pissed me off. Because he's right, of course, I don't sign his checks. It's a computer in New York or somewhere.

So anyway, he made me a egg because I woke up starving because I forgot to eat dinner last night. Which reminds me, you know what's gross? Drinking a beer, then chewing gum and then coming home to The Compound and drinking milk. I can't recommend that because it was nasty. Which is weird because beer is good, gum is awesome and milk is good too. You would think it wouldn't be gross together but it seriously is. So I forgot to have dinner last night and I woke up with a headache and now Gus is being weird but my egg was awesome.

I went out with one of my favorite fans last night. He's really funny and good-looking, so at least that part was fun. The only thing wrong with him is that he's super-smart, even smarter than me. Most of the time I have no clue what he's talking about so I try to look smart and really thoughtful. Last night, I was totally thinking how awesome my black patent leather peeptoe pumps are and then I realized he asked me something I needed to answer and that was a little awkward. Luckily, he spent most of the night staring at my boobs, so it all worked out!

Can you really have too many gays?

I think all my fans and friends know how much the gays love me and I am all super-gay-friendly, but seriously yesterday was a little too gay, even for me. I had an interview over lunch with a semi-famous gossip-blogger that I know you all know. He's hilarious and I totes love him. Sometimes, when I'm mad at someone I like to call him and give him tips. The best thing about him, besides being hilarious, is that he tells everything! I mean everything, stuff he doesn't even publish! I love to hear who all's going to rehab and making plea-bargains and crap like that. He's the bomb.

Then I had dinner with three of my favorite gays at the cutest place but there was a lot of "Oh LAWD"ing going on. Also "HOKAYS". I had a very cute drink that might be my new signature beverage for the spring: Pomegranate Cosmo. Awesome! Anyway, I was on my way back to The Compound and I was thinking about how you can actually have too many gays and how the only person there who was talking about stuff I would want to write about is actually a straight girl and she told me I can't write about her because it would cause "too many problems" for her and I know lawsuit-speak when I hear it. So I'm not going to write about what a whore she used to be. That's too bad, too, because it's some good crap. Maybe I'll just call my gossip friend and tell him although he won't care because she's not even famous.

What was I talking about? Oh yea, all the gays. There were gays at the next table who were DYING that we were there and taking our pictures and falling all over themselves. That was boring. Early on, there was a table of two gays and a ugly woman and they weren't even trying to pretend they weren't DYING we were there and they were just staring at us and listening to every stupid thing we were saying. That was super-boring. Then at some point in the dinner, I guess the birthday boy was mad that his presents weren't better because he took out his phone and started reading his texts. That was the most boringest thing I have ever had to listen to in my whole entire life. At first we were all being polite and pretending to care, but then after like 20 minutes I started going, "This game is boring. Let's play a new game." Even Squirrel was agreeing with me and he has to be nice! But the birthday boy just kept on, so I started telling a story to Squirrel and Squirrel's friend and then it got super-ugly because Phone-Boy got mad that we weren't paying attention to him and there was some slapping between me and him and maybe some sparkling wine might have gotten thrown. I'm pretty sure there were some pictures taken and not by his cell phone so I'm just waiting for a call from Daddy's lawyers. They totes told me to keep a low profile while the suit over the Oscar-blogging is going on and I've been seriously trying, but it is hard, you guys! Especially when someone is pouting!

Then I got back to The Compound and Knute was pouting because I didn't take him along but Edgar says I need to establish some boundaries with him which is going to be hard since he does all my waxing.

Wait, what? Part 2

Holy crap, that ugly girl is back on the TV. I think that might be all that's on. Ever. I don't know why that ugly girl is wearing a scarf on her head all the time. I haven't seen that on the runways or in any of the trend reports, so I'm definitely not going to bother buying any scarfs. Plus that girl is totes wearing a girdle and there is no way I'm wearing a girdle. I mean, it's not like I need one, I don't think.

I just checked with Knute and he says I definitely don't need a girdle. So that's good news. He said that ugly girl is a guy but I know he's just making that up to confuse me. There is no way a guy would go on the TV wearing that much make-up. Unless he was a girl. So I think he's definitely a girl. And a lesbertarian girl too.

Some of my fans have been sending me messages wondering about Mr. Cat. He's fine. Right now he's sitting in a box that Prada sent me some shoes in. I don't know why he likes to sit in boxes so much but he's totes into that. Last night I think he slept in the box. Maybe I need to try sitting in a box because Mr. Cat seems real peaceful all the time. Mostly he sleeps and that is super-peaceful.

I just went and told Knute I wanted a box to sit in. He was organizing all our receipts to give my tax person and he just looked at me like I was crazy or something. I'm like, "I want to be peaceful like Mr. Cat." So Knute goes, "What are you talking about?" I was all, "He just sits in that Prada box and it's like awesome. I need to sit in a Prada box." So Knute just sat there for a minute, it got kind of awkward with him just staring at me and me going like, "What?" He just shook his head at me and goes, "I don't even know what to say." So then I was like all reminding him about my total quest for inner peace. Or inner piece. I'm not really sure. I was like, "Remember my life coach?" And Knute goes, "Which one?" So I go, "Remember my fung shway dude?" and Knute goes, "That was a disaster." "Well, yea, but I was like into it until he totally rearranged my whole house!!!" Anyway, we totes ended up fighting and that was not helping my inner piece. So I just went back to the master suite and sat on the floor with Mr. Cat and tried to be cool.

My life is seriously hard you guys!

Wait, what?

Oh. My. God.

So last year, I accidentally was watching TV and I found a show about this super ugly girl who was living in a house with a bunch of whores and strippers and it was totes confusing because I guess they were all lesbertarians because they were always making out and getting drunk and fighting. It made me feel icky. Well, I was accidentally watching TV tonight and that ugly girl is back with a whole different bunch of whores who are wearing swimsuits are bras or something and nothing else. These whores are more drunker and more stupider than the other ones. I think it's new whores, but it could all be the same ones, maybe it's just reruns. TV is super-confusing sometimes. That girl, Bret, wouldn't be quite so ugly if she didn't wear so much make-up. I am all about being natural.

I've pretty much decided to get another nosejob. I mean, I'm so bored I got to do something. Knute tells me to just wait because Washington with Rhett is coming up quick and soon I won't be so bored, but I'm just not sure. He says I gotta wait until after the trip because they won't let me fly with a nosejob, which is crazy because everytime I fly I fly with a nosejob!!! Actually TWO! Sometime I think Knute just makes stuff up to confuse me.

Could My Life Be More Boring?

So I was just rereading my last post and like I was all, 'What?" I hardly remember any of that! Me and Scar aren't fighting anymore, we went shoe shopping on Saturday, so of course we're ok.

My deposition went fine since I couldn't even remember anything! I was all, "I dunno!" to almost every question! That's so hilarious.

My new stalker is totally boring.

My friend Jenn got a herself a friend she's calling Waff which totally enrages me because I had a Waff way before she did and I don't know why everyone has to try to be exactly like me! It's so boring! Meanwhile my "friend" Waff is texting me and calling me "old" and "poopypants" and some crazy stuff like that. I have no idea what the hell is going on with him. Maybe he's gone crazy. Or he's smoking something. Or both.

My friend TS (notice how I didn't put "friend" in "quotation marks" like I did with "Waff") as totally disappeared. Like that movie where the guy gets sucked up by a alien ship! Maybe that was a Simpsons episode, I don't remember. Anyway, if you see TS, tell him I said to drop a celebritard a line, kay?

What else?

Rhett's got a birthday coming up. Something fabulous, I'm sure, I'll let you know.

Other than that my life is totally boring! Totes.

Am I Done Blowing Your Mind? Not Even!

So me and Rhett are going to Washington DC in April. Don't ask me why. I mean, I was looking on the interweb and it looks totes boring. But he's going to be there with that little show he does and I am all about being supportive or whatev and plus I have some fabulous new Jimmy Choos I want to wear and since Austin is such a hippy town, I hardly ever get the chance to dress like a real person. What was I talking about? Oh yea, Washington. Rhett was like, What are we gonna do there? And I was all, "Drink and be fabulous. I bet they have shopping and crap like that there." Mostly it looks like a bunch of super-boring things like museums and graves and crap like that. Knute says I should get some culture, and I am all about culture so what the hell? But I am not going to go to any museums or crap like that, that's not how you get culture! I have a black friend and she was telling me about going to eat something called "sole food" I was like, "Sure!" Then she was like, "I wouldn't send you there because it's in the getto." Well, I don't know what a getto is but as you all know, I am all about food. So I made her tell me where it is and me and Rhett are going to go. I also need to look for a place to get good cupcakes because me and Rhett always have a hilarious time eating cupcakes in various metropolitan areas.

So I'm back in Austin, I guess I said that. It's so boring this time of year because it will be like 80F one day and then zero the next! It was like 92 yesterday and tonight it's raining and totes cold. Like how am I supposed to commit to a wardrobe? I should have stayed in Bellgym.

I guess me and Scar are fighting too. I didn't even know it until today when she texted me. I wish people would just tell me so I can at least participate, for reals! I've got to do my dumb deposition later this week - so boring!

AND I have a new stalker. That is way boring, he's obsessed with me. SIGH.

Mind Blowing Awesomeness

It's true. That's what I am. Or have or whatever. Mind Blowing Awesomeness. I was just solving all of Rhett's problems just now via the chat thingy on here and I was like telling him to get all Zing and whatever and then he wasn't answering me for awhile and I was like "Did I blow your mind?" and he goes, "you always do" and that's when the phrase Mind Blowing Awesomeness came to me. Because I am all about inspiration or whatever. That's why I write this bloggy thing because of my MBA (Mind Blowing Awesomeness). I should rename my bloggy thing. But since I had to get copy rights on it, I guess I can't.

So all of the out-of-town dirty hippies have left Austin, so I'm headed back home. Plus I'm supposed to do that deposition or whatever, so I guess I have to get back. So boring. I was sort of hoping if I just went to Bellgym and pretended it was ok, it would just go away, but it didn't. Usually, I find if I just ignore stuff, it goes away. But I guess that doesn't work for lawsuits.

Does anyone know what my friend TS means about Bellgym sprouts? Sometimes I get furious when people say stuff to me and I don't understand it. Like then I just start thinking about it and when I can't figure it out I just get totally livid. Like I hate that. So thinking is not my thing, mostly. But that makes no sense, since I am so super-smart. I guess my thing is this: I am super-smart but don't want to have to think about stuff. It's part of my MBA. Totes.

Bellgym is boring

This is my bedroom in the castle. I don't know what all this crap is that Knute has on that little table, but I'm hardly ever in the bedroom because there's no TV in there.

Can you believe there's no media room? Plus there's this stupid Hysterical Committee and they say I can't put a satellite dish on the roof or anywhere on the castle. Can you believe that?

It's SXSW in Austin, so thank gawd I'm not there right now. The whole town will be crawling with dirty hippies. Pretty soon I'm going to have to go home and do my deposition and deal with all that crap. Daddy's lawyers found me here and they are MAD. I can't believe it took them 3 days to find me, they must not be very good lawyers. I mean, it's not like Daddy didn't buy the castle, they have to know about it. How many places can I hide, for reals? Daddy bought all my houses. Don't they keep records?

Bellgym is boring and I can't find waffles anywhere. At least Knute is here so I'm not entirely bored.

My Castle Makes Me Feel Better

So I went to Luxembourg to see Mims and Thad and then I was totally going to go back to Austin but then Knute reminded me that South by Southwest was starting and everyone knows how I hate all those dirty hippies that come pouring out of everywhere so I just headed over to Bellgym to see my castle again. It is super cute! Right now it's still cold here, so it's kind of boring - and cold. Knute's coming over tomorrow to help me hang out. He said on the phone that waffles come from Bellgym and I didn't even know that when Daddy bought it! It's like karma or whatever. So me and Knute will go look for waffles while he's here and I'm hoping that my deposition will just go away. I mean, I don't want to do that.

I totally forgot about this, it happened before I went to see Mims: I went to get my hair cut by that bitch Erica and she was like, 'You need to get laid." I was all, "!" Who says that? Especially when I haven't even paid her yet! So I was like praciticing some restraint, which I almost never do, so she goes, "Your bloggy thing was funner when you were a whore." I totally didn't know what to say to that. I mean, I've been working on my vow of charity for like ever. And it is totally boring, so I might just stop it anyway. I mean, where's it getting me? Plus that tramp Paris totally didn't even keep her end of it anyway, so why should I bother? All I've gotten out of it is a lot of boring weekends and fewer medical bills. And I castle. I'm pretty sure Daddy bought me the castle because I was being good, but now I have the castle so I can start messing around again.

I can't even think of a title for this crap

So that's my new car. I'm so bummed out though that I can't even be excited about it. It's just another Maserati, so no biggie.

Daddy's lawyers yelled at me all day. I am like totally sick of it. I just took a panda tranquilizer and I'm hoping that will help. I have a "deposition" in a couple of weeks and now Daddy's lawyers are coming to Austin and they are going to yell at me in person and that just makes me bored. I don't know what a deposition is, but it sort of sounds like "deposit" so I'm hoping it will be some money!

PLUS I just found out that this weekend, the weekend I'm going to Luxembourg to see Mims and Thad, there's some crap with the clocks and we are supposed to reset our clocks and I'm going to lose a whole hour of time I could have been visiting with them. Thad says it's crap and all made up anyway and that not only that but I should stay in Luxembourg and not go back and that way I wouldn't have to deal with the stupid lawsuit anyway. So I am seriously considering it. I might just go to Bellgym and not come back. I have a castle there, you know, in Bellgym.

This might be "depression". I accidentally saw a ad for depression on the TV this one time - I don't think anyone would want it, so I don't know why they advert it like it's something you want -but there's a egg or a bubble or something and it's all sad and not bouncy at all, then it takes some drugs and it's bouncy and stuff. I think I need that. I had Gus make me a egg for dinner but I'm still depressioned. It wasn't like it was bouncy or anything. In fact, even a boiled egg doesn't bounce, so now I'm depressioned and confused.

GIANT SIGH

That's just another awesome pair of shoes I own.

So today, me and Knute were out and about car shopping because the other day I was thinking about the Maz and I realized that I'd owned it for like two years and that's my limit, so I was looking for a new car, but first I have to have something sparkly, and not like those shoes! So we were walking out of Bailey Banks and Biddle and there was a guy standing there looking all like peppy like my fans and stalkers all do. So he comes up to me and calls me by name, so I'm like sure he wants to take a picture and get a autograph, because he handed me something to sign, so I go, "yeah?" and he goes, "You've been served." Well, I totally hated that movie so I was all, "Ew! Why would you say that? I didn't even have a cameo in that piece of junk!" Well, I guess he was actually working for those effers at E! The Entertainment Network Lawyers because what he handed me was a LAWSUIT! So I'm sued because of that stupid live blogging crap. I am so mad!!! I was so mad I forgot to buy a new car!

So Knute was all reading it and making all these scary noises and I was going, "What? What? WHAT?" And he goes, "We better call Daddy." So here's the thing, I don't want to bother Daddy when I haven't even talked to him in forever, so I just called his lawyers and told them. They'll tell Daddy and can listen to all the yelling. Like I need that when I'm totally shopping for new car, please! The good thing is that now Knute has an excuse to buy a really fancy scanner. He's been wanting one for I don't know what -- and frankly I just thought about that for like a SECOND and I got a little creeped out and I think I don't want to know what he's scanning besides my lawsuit. ew.

All I know is that I'm going to Luxembourg this weekend to see Mims and Thad and I will be so glad to get away from everything.

Crap!!!! For reals, you guys!

Ok! Shit! Quit emailing me and texting me and calling me! That's what my shoes looked like at the Oscars! Ok? Now quit asking!

They are awesome, right?

So, get this, those effers said my drunk notes weren't the same as "live-blogging" so they are going to sue me for sure. For me it's about like principles or whatever. And I almost never have principles, so you know this is like HUGE. Like, they didn't tell me how they wanted me to live-blog. They didn't say, "We want you to live-blog during the show." This is like a no-brainer to me. Daddy's lawyers say I should just give the money back because "the entire concept of live-blogging is that is it done in real time." I was like, "Whoa!!! You just blew my mind!" What kind of time is there besides REAL time? Is there like FAKE time? JESUS CHRIST!!! I am freaking out!!!

Ok, I just went to ask Knute about time and he started into this thing he called something like that Australian Airline I will never fly ever again (long story!) and I don't know what Quantus Airlines has to do with time except this one time when I flew them my flight was late, I wonder if that's what he meant...Anyway, he said the Quantus Airlines Theory is that time and space is like a blanket or some crazy shit like that. I wasn't really listening. Because once Knute starts getting all excited with The Crazy Eyes going, I'm like, "There is no way I'm going to understand any of this." Plus I don't see how space could be a blanket because I've never seen a clear blanket and you can totally see through space all the way to stars and crap like that. Unless it's like a invisible blanket. That doesn't sound very warm, you know? How would you ever find it once you kicked it off the end the bed? I am always doing that and then Katrinka is like, "Why you leave your blanket on floor? Pick up!" I'm all, "I want you to feel useful!" Then she says a bunch of stuff in Whatever-Stan is it she speaks and I'm pretty sure it's cussing.

All this thinking is making my head hurt. I don't want to think about time being a invisible blanket and what do kangeroos have to do with time anyway? Maybe the invisible blanket has something to do with fake time, although Knute didn't say anything about fake time, so maybe I misunderstood something from the lawyers. Alls I know is that I'm gonna get sued. Wouldn't be the first time.

Or the last, probably!

Me and Scar are hanging out tomorrow night, so if you see us, buy me a drinky! I'm also looking for my signature drinky for the spring so give me some suggestions. I'd like something green but all green drinks are gross!!!

Oh! Except margaritas!!!

Like I'm gonna know what "live blogging" is!!!

Ok, so here's the deal, I have a blog. Everyone knows that, because it's one of the most read blogs on the internets. So when some folks were like, "Cupcake could live blog for the Oscars." I was like, "SCORE! I'm gonna write about it anyway, so I might as well make some green." My dress was green by the way, and GORGEOUS! Hellow! There's a sketch of it that the designer - who I'm not mentioning because I am furious at him - sent me. I looked awesome. Ok, so this morning, I'm sleeping off the parties when Yoli calls and is like, "You didn't live blog last night." I was all, "Jeez! I'm sleeping and plus I left my computer in Austin! I'll blog when I get home." Well, it turns out that "live blogging" means I was supposed to write during the show which just seems rude to me. So now they are going to sue me or else I have to return the money they already gave me! Whatever. I'm livid.

I did think to make some notes during the show, which is almost like live blogging, right? Here's what I found in my handbag this morning:

Seacrest is a a-hole

There's some deaf old man screaming at me on the red carpet. I'm like, "TURN UP YOUR HEARING AID, OLD MAN!" Turns out it was Regis!

Who the fuck does Miley Cyrus think she is?

No Vanity Fair after-party which sucks. I'm all texting Scar going, "remind me no VF party!"

Why is everyone wearing red?

Ooo! An open bar!

Evrryeone hates danidle Day Lewis, don';t venene act like you don't.

I athink i did jariver Bardemd thisone tme in speain tsis one time.

Damiela day lewis is aprick, he dont bathe yiou know, whas up wiht the browm shoese ?

skwi laLait ekshte ksk teriathisal

I don't understand most of that last stuff, but if I'm going to try to act like I was live-blogging, this is my arguement. Plus, all this stuff was just from the red carpet and the lobby. Just think how awesome it would have been if I'd stayed sober and actually live blogged!