Rumors

OMG. Nothing has happened since I last wrote. Me, Lindsay and Knute are STILL in LA and I am about to die from boredom. LA is so last year. Or even 2004. I am over it. Me and Lindsay weren't even speaking until yesterday because of the Jared Leto thing. She kept bringing it up and I was all, "Whatev. He's like huge." So she goes, "All the parts work." And I'm like, "I know. Ever heard of sloppy seconds?" So she was all, "He doesn't even remember you." And I'm like, "I have the tape to prove it." Night vision is awesome. So she's like, "Whatev." And I'm like, "You totally stole that from me. Can't you get your own life?" So she started crying and left and I sort of felt bad. It's hard living in a hotel suite.
So yesterday, me and Knute were shopping and while we were at Fred Segal, I totally ran into Mary-Kate and she was all, "I heard you lost someone." And I was like, "Yeah, and?" And she goes, "What if I know where she is?" and I was like, "Guess you better call the cops because they are looking for her." And she was all, "As if!" So I go,"Might be a reward, not that you need it." And she goes, "More money for me." And I'm like, "If you're parents don't get all Gary Coleman on your ass." And she was like, "I practically don't even HAVE parents." And I'm like, "Lucky!" So anyway. Like she said that she'd heard that Maddy was totally with some group who brainwashes people and I was like, "She has excellent hygeine, ok? Her clothes suck, but she is clean." And MK was all, "Like not even! Brainwashing is like mad bad." And I'm like whatev, cleaning always sounds good to me! You can totally ask Katrinka, I am so particular about my cleaning. Or her cleaning. Like one time, she'd been up on the ladder outside washing the windows and she thought she was done and I was like Not even! There was this giant thumbprint on the outside of my guest bathroom window. So back up the ladder she goes, because I am all about cleanliness. And she was whining about being afraid of heights. I'm like, "You can go back to Immigrantakstan or whereever if you are going to complain. One call to INS is all it would take." So anyway, I called that cute cop guy and he totally goes, "We had a tip about that." And I'm like, "HELLO!? Can I get in the loop, please?" What a loser. He's all, "we're looking into it." So I'm like, "Why don't you try looking into your address book on your cell phone and calling me? She's my life coach." He totally had nothing to say to that.
Ok, so I totally texted Lindsay and I was feeling bad that I was totally not into her doing Jared Leto, so I was like, "4give?" so she goes, "no prob." So now that we know Maddy is ok, or probably ok and only getting her brain cleaned, me and Lindsay and Knute are headed up to Napa - or down to Napa or whatev. I totally don't even know where it is. I guess there's wine up there or down there or something. People keep telling me I need to go - so since I'm totally dying to get out of this town, I am there. I'm thinking it's going to be a total party. Like I hope there is some major nightlife up there. Or down there. Whatev. I am ready to dance and be crazy.

Diz-ZAZ-ter

What a fi-zaz-co. I cannot believe we are still in LA. Maddy is totally still missing, and I guess Dan saw it in the newspaper or whatever and he was all, "Why didn't you notify us?" And I was all, "Hello! I totally tried!" And he goes, "Oh." I guess Daddy and his security team think its a really B.D. but I'm starting to think she's going to turn up. I bet she's just totally partying. You know, its not like she has any experience. Before me and Lindsay gave her that cat tranquilizer, she said the highest she'd ever been was on wheatgrass juice - whatever the hell that is. Like, I guess she'd never even had alcohol either - like Daddy thought I was going to relate to HER?! Please. She's never even been to rehab!
So me and Knute have been shopping like mad. I am so glad he came out here because Lindsay is totally getting on my nerves. We were out night before last at Chi and she totally left with Jared Leto and he is not even cute right now! Wow! He looks like an old man. I know it's for a role or whatever, but that's just weird. I hooked up with him right after Cameron and him broke up and he was totally hot then. Anyway, when Lindsay came back to the hotel, she was all, "I totally did Jared Leto!" And I was like, "Whatev. Been there." And she was all, "Still hot." And I was like, "You wish!" Anyway, me and Knute were shopping yesterday and I totally bought him a Balenciaga contact lens case. He was like, "Fabulous, honey. Maybe someday I'll actually wear contact lenses!" I think that was him being bitchy, but I'm not sure. He could totally keep his X in there, he doesn't need to complain. While we were out, I totally met this lady who does some sort of decorating or whatever - it's called fun sway and that sounds cool to me. I guess it's like making your house more energy efficient or something. She kept talking about "flow" so I'm guessing it has something to do with like your toilets or something. She was telling me it's super ancient from like Asia or whatever. I totally didn't know they had toilets in Asia! I was all, "You should come do my house in Austin!" And she goes, "Yeah!" So I was like, "Yeah." So Knute is going to set that up for whenever we get back. Fun Sway. It sounds like a party and I am all about partying.

Vegas Baby

Me and Lindsay are still stuck in LA. I called Dan on Daddy's security detail and he got pissed at me. I guess he thought I was kidding again - after that whole fake murder thing, I guess I can't blame him. Anyway, I was all, "No seriously, I lost Maddy!" And he was all, "Who's Maddy?" And I'm like, "Moonbeam!" And he totally hung up on me. Well, after 4 days of her being gone, Lindsay finally was like, "Let's call the cops." So I did and they totally don't want me to go back to Austin yet. The cop was nice and he was pretty cute, but he was really confused. He was all, "So Moonbeam and Maddy left the restaurant with Quentin?" And I'm like, "Earth to cop! They are totally the same person! I just didn't like her name so I changed it." He wasn't too bright.
Anyway, I figured if I'm going to be stuck out here, I might as well get Knute out here too, so he came on Saturday. We went shopping and I totally bought the cutest sweater for Honky. It says, "Lick my balls." Isn't that a scream? I guess Honky has balls. I need to check with Knute on that because I haven't ever really noticed. Smudge didn't but I'm pretty sure she was a girl.
Ok, so while me and Knute were shopping, I totally ran into Brit and KFed and they were like, "Las Vegas road trip!" And I was all, "Flying, thank you!" So we totally just jammed over to LV for the night. It was a mess. First of all, while we were on the plane, Brit totally goes, "Ohmygod! What about Sean?!!!" She was freaking out. And KFed was like, "Who, Diddy?" And Brit was all, "THE BABY!" And KFed goes, "Oh yeah. I keep forgetting about him." So Brit had to call the nanny and tell her we were going to Las Vegas for the night and I guess the nanny was pissed because she wanted to go home or whatever. KFed and me were laughing because he said he totally forgets he has kids and isn't that why you have a nanny to begin with? I was like, "Totally!"
Anyway, we got to Caesar's and we were totally in the private rooms and Christian Slater was there and he was all, "Stay tonight with me" and I'm like, "Not even." He's so old! Anyway, I guess Brit was playing the slots and KFed and me were playing some card game with Christian and some model and the kid from Malcolm in the Middle and some political guy and I guess she was still pissed about him forgetting about the kid and she comes over and totally goes Naomi Campbell on him with her cell phone. Ohmygod, you should have seen his face. It was crazy. Anyway, I guess he didn't think it was funny because he jumped up and grabbed her by the arms and they were yelling or whatever and then security came and took them away - it was a giant mess. I totally won that hand though!

Los Angeles - STILL

I cannot believe we are still here. I totally wanted to be back in Austin by now. It's been a really bad time and I'm not even sure where to start. Ok, after I got kicked out of Katie's baby shower - WHATEVER - and I hooked up with George, Lindsay and me totally lost Maddy. I don't even know what happened to her. Alls I know is we were at Nobu, gabbing with Cam and Justin and then I left and the next morning I texted Lindsay and she was all, "where u at?" And I was like," Y?" And she was like," I need to no." and I was like, 'OK!" so she was all, "OK!"
Anyway, Lindsay and me met up at Starbucks and I totally ordered a grande mocha half-fat/half soy latte with a sans sucre vanilla syrup and the girl behind the counter used regular vanilla syrup. I didn't actually see her do it, but I'm pretty sure she did. I saw her looking at my baby blue Prada bag and I know she's jealous. Anyway, after I threw my grande mocha at her, me and Lindsay totally left and decided to look for Maddy. I called my friend Steve, the guy from The Sopranos, and he told us where Quentin lives. Then he was all, "Don't you want to have dinner with me while you're in town?" And I was all, "Been there, done that." Then he mentioned he was directing something now, so I decided to see him. Whatever. I totally thought I wasn't even going to be here by today, but since we can't find Maddy, I guess we need to stay. So I might as well have dinner with him -it's free drinks, right?
Lindsay wants me to call Daddy's security team, but I just can't. I mean, this is the life coach he got for me - and I totally lost her! This is way worse than Smudge.

Baby Shower

Wow, I'm totally in LA where I had to go to Katie's shower. Unfortunately, Lindsay and Madison/Moonbeam flew out there with me and we got totally plastered on the plane playing quarters. Believe me, that is hard, especially when there is turbulence. It's like hard.
Anyway, Lindsay was all like, 'I totally want to got to LA with you" and I was all, "Ok, earth to Lindsay, you were not invited. You don't even know Katie or Tom." But she was like," I have to get out of Austin!" I guess she hooked up with some guy who won't leave her alone and she was dying for an In-N-Out after three weeks of only cigarettes and champagne. So I was like, "Whatever." Well, then Madison was all," You can't go without me because I'm totally supposed to be helping you find your path. Plus, Quentin is back in LA and I totally want to do him."
So anyway, Knute got on the interweb and hooked us up with some first class tickets to LAX. It was totally excellent that Knute had arranged for us to have a driver, because like I said, we were hammered by the time we got off the plane. So, I had to go directly to the shower, which was not so cool, because I was still totally flying from the X we did before we left Austin. So Lindsay and Madison - I think I'm going to start calling her Maddy because it's too hard to type Madison - anyway, Maddy and L went off to shop and sober up while I went out to the hills for this shower.
Well, Knute is on the shit list again because he totally let me leave without the frickin present or I might have left it on the plane. Either way, I think I'm going to fire him. Anyway, so I had this driver named Jorge - who was pretty cute for a Mexican or whatever. I think he said he was from Argentina, but I guess that's like part of Mexico, right? Like a state? Anyway, when I realized that Knute had forgotten the present, I was all like, "Oh shit" and he was all, "What is it?" So I was all, "I have to go to this baby shower and I totally don't even know them all that well and my lousy PA forgot to pack the present." So Jorge was like, "Do you know what religion they are?" And I was all, "I totally know that Katie is a Catholic because she was telling me about going to Catholic school one time about 2 years ago." So anyway, Jorge tells me that the traditional baby gift is like a bible and a rosary, so he took me to the bible store and I totally got the cutest little rosary and a bible that was all white and crap. It was excellent and I totally knew she was going to love it.
Well, the shower was seriously a drag. I came blowing in and I was all, "WooHOO! Party people say HO!!!!" But nobody hoed me back - WHATEV. They were all trying to be really quiet -like what is this 3rd grade with the Quiet Game? Whatever. I was totally determined to crank the party up but they were just staring at me when I climbed on the coffee table and took my shirt off. I thought maybe they needed some party favors - so I offered Kelly Preston one of my tiny bottles of tequila from the plane, but she was so uptight. She was like, 'I don't think you understand the purpose of this function." So I said, "Is it to take that stick out of your ass? Is that why we are here? I just need to know." Then that hag Jenna Elfman was all up in my grill going, "We are trying not to traumatize the baby with any unnecessary sounds." So I was like, "Why don't you stop traumatizing us all with your sorry-ass sitcoms?"
Anyway, Kirstie Alley ended up telling me to leave so I totally missed when Katie opened her present, which sucks because I know she was going to totally love it. Bitches.
Anyway, Lindsay, Maddy and I went to Nobu and ran into Cameron and Justin and totally had a blast. I met George Clooney and he is totally not circumsized.

Moonbeam and Red Bull

Ok, so Moonbeam reappeared late yesterday afternoon and said she wanted to "bond" by spending some time with me. I was getting ready to go out with Lindsay - we were totally going to check out this new club called Warp downtown. Anyway, Knute was crimping my hair, which I guess is back because the 80s are the new 70s or the new 60s. Or something. It's all very confusing, but anyway, Knute says crimping is back, so he was crimping away. Ok, so Moonbeam is ringing the bell right as we are finishing up and Lindsay let her in because Lindsay was downstairs trying to make this drink we had at Snowpea last week. I think it was like a grasshopper, only with tequila or something, I actually don't remember all that much because I'd been partying in the bathroom with some guy named Guy. I am not kidding, isn't that the funniest thing you've ever heard? A guy named Guy. It's like hilarious.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so Knute and I were finishing my retro-80s look with a giant bow in my hair and I guess Moonbeam started talking to Lindsay and L was telling her all about the diet we are on and going out and I have no idea how it happened, but Lindsay ended up inviting Moonbeam to go out clubbing with us. What? I was really pissed. Because Moonbeam is going to report directly to Mother and Daddy, so I can't have as much fun as normal. So Lindsay convinced her that she needed to have the whole Me Experience, so we dragged her upstairs, gave her some Red Bull and Grey Goose and a cat tranquilizer. Meanwhile, it turns out she actually does have a cute figure and she totally fit into my last year's Rodriguez graphic print wrap dress. Knute fired up the crimper again and took care of that mess on her head while L and I totally did her make-up. She was really cute, but she kept talking about vitamins and self-love, which I think sounds totally dirty. Anyway, she was hammered by the time we left the house and Knute drove is to Warp. I don't really remember a lot about it except that Moonbeam ( we renamed her Madison for last night because Moonbeam is too 60s. Or 70s.) was dancing on the bar and later she barfed in the men's room. Anyway, by the end of the evening, Madison was totally making out with some guy named Quentin who is a director or something I guess. He said he was only in town for another week or so working on a movie. Directors aren't as much fun as actors, but they can actually cast you, so you have to be nice to them and listen to their boring stories about "losing light" or whatever the hell they talk about, I usually just tune them out. Anyway, Madison was being very nice to him and in fact, they left together. I still haven't heard from her, so I'm thinking that Mother and Daddy won't get a report about last night. I just hope I get my dress back.

Whatever

Oh my god, I am so pissed at my parents. They came to visit like a week ago or something, but it was a weird visit and they totally acting all parental and everything. I didn't even see them that much because Lindsay and I were busy with going out and partying. So Monday, at the crack of 10:00AM, I totally do not get up that early, ok? My doorbell is ringing and Knute answers it and it is totally some LIFE COACH my parents hired to help me "get on track". Like this is gym class or something. Please! So, I throw on some yoga pants and my Versace hoodie and go down to meet her. Ok, first of all, her name is Moonbeam. Yes, Moonbeam Bragewitz. Ok, I don't even know where to go from there. She's wearing some kind of crazy housecoat or something. When Knute asked her about it, she said it's a caftan. All know is that it does nothing for her figure - not that she has one.
Ok, so she wanted to "interact" with me. So we sat down in back by the pool and she was asking me all kinds of questions about goals and dreams and plans - like, whatever. I just told her I'm trying to have a good time while the designers are still giving me free clothes. Like what is wrong with that? She totally didn't even have an answer besides some crap about self-esteem and my body being a temple or something. I'm pretty sure she's trying to turn me into a Jew or whatever - why else would she be talking about temple, right? Isn't that what they call church?
Needless to say, Knute is beside himself. When she finally left, we totally opened a bottle of Crystal and laughed until I almost barfed. The problem is that she's going to be all over me for however long my parents continue to pay her. I called them about it and Daddy said he was concerned about my ability to manage my trust, which I'm supposed to get when I turn 25. He said if I can't even keep a dog in my purse, how could I keep twenty-five million? Like, I totally thought it was more than that. Anyway, they want me to be more mature or whatever. WHATEVER!

Smudge

So the Austin cops called me this morning at like 11:30 and totally woke me up. I guess they found Smudge, she's at some drug dealer's house or something. This it totally crappy because I already got another dog and there is no way two will fit in my dog purse. So I guess I'll have to get rid of Honky. Or maybe I'll find a new home for Smudge, she's like old and will probably die pretty soon anyway. Honky is brand new, and I think Smudge is like three or something. Why would I keep the worn out when I've got a brand new shiny one already? Just like my Blackberry!
I went to some afterparty last night for some premier, I totally slept through the movie, so I don't even know who was in it. But I pigged out at the party, like I think I ate a whole piece of pizza. Yuck. Lindsay was telling me about the champagne and cigarettes diet and how that totally worked for her. She got down to 87 pounds! That is awesome. I'm totally going on that diet right now. But I'm like a health-nut so I'm only smoking American Eagle cigarettes because I think they are organic or something. And I am all about taking care of myself.

SXSW

So this week is like the big music and movie fest in Austin. All I have to say is "not enough swag bags." Please. Like I need a Taco Cabana coupon. I want Piaget or a new Sidekick. I swear, Austin can be so low rent. The good news is that there are parties galore but hardly any red carpets. Also good news, tons of new boys in town that I haven't slept with yet. Yet.
Last night, I went to some dildo movie, I kid you not. It was awesome, but there were a lot of women there and hardly any guys. I did meet this one guy, named Chris, I was totally making out with him after the question and answer thing and he was all, "Don't grab my crotch!" Plus, he was funny about his chest. Whatever, like I need a guy with hangups. He wasn't really tall enough for me, I mean he was practically my height and he wasn't muscular enough either. I mean, he pretty much was built like me. Nice flannel shirt, though. He was all into Melissa Etheridge and The L-Word on Showtime, you know how guys like watching girl action. Anyway, he was fun to make out with, even if he wouldn't come home with me. P.S. he had the softest lips and tiniest hands.

More on The Oscars

Ok, like I haven't been very good about blogging or whatever, I know losers who blog every day! Like they must have totally no life or something. So I got back into town on Thursday because, frankly, I was too plastered to fly on Tues when I should have left, but I was having so much fun. I don't want to name any names but I was totally making out with a famous actor named Steve and I couldn't tell you his last name because I totally can't spell it, but I think he's on The Sopranos. Anyway, he's on TV and has been in movies. He's not really cute, but he is famous, so who cares?
Ok, so I went to the Vanity Fair afterparty. Lame. Then I went to the HBO party - totally lame. Then I went to the New Line Cinema Party - who goes there? Nobody famous at all. Then I went back to VF and it was better, but still. Luckily, I was drinking Red Bull Flamethrowers during the ceremony - which was a total snore, by the way. I totally don't understand why everyone was freaking out at the end, but then again, I was doing coke in the bathroom with Dakota Fanning and Lalrry McMurtry, so I missed that part. Whatever. Anyway, I was tanked by the end, so I wasn't really paying attention.
Ok, where was I? Oh yeah, I stayed in LA with some friends until Thursday when I came back here - I totally had to prepare for the SXSW festival which starts sometime. Like next week or the next week. I don't really know, Knute is in charge of that. Speaking of Knute, he's back on the shit list. I'm pretty sure he had a party while I was gone. I can't prove it or anything, it's more of a feeling. Like sometimes I really think I'm psychic or something. Thank god for spellcheck! Anyway. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Knute and all his poofter friends, mucking up my hottub and drinking all the Grey Goose. Ok, I'm pretty sure they also ate all the wasabi almonds behind the bar - but there was an unopened one when I got back and I'm pretty sure I had opened the one that was there when I left. Also, Knute was acting all funny when he picked me up at the airport: "How was your trip? Did you meet anyone famous? What did you wear?" Like I can't see through that! Does he think he's fooling me?
Whatever. I'm pretty sure I'm going to fire him.

Oscar

Wow, I haven't written in so long! Last time I blogged, Bob and Dan were coming to prepare for Mother and Daddy's visit. They totally wanted me to start using my alarm - as if I'm going to give Katrinka my code! Knute has it - oh my god, I just totally noticed both their names start wtih Ks. How weird is that? I'm all like, "spooky!" Maybe I should fire my gardener.
The last time I actually used my alarm was when Paris and Nicole were still speaking - like how long ago was that? Anyway, the three of us had been out at a totally hot club called Wingtip and we were drinking these shots called Shoe Polish, don't even ask me because I was all like, "I'll drink whatever you put in front of me!" Anyway, I met up with one of the Masterson brothers, I totally don't even know to this day which one - whatever. Anyway, I left with him and Paris and Nicole were going to go back to my house and I know I wrote down the code right, but they were totally wrecked and couldn't figure it out. Anyway the cops came and Nicole had climbed up the trellis and was stuck. So they had to get the fire department to come and bring the ladder truck, but then she thought it would be funny swing the rose vines or whatever at the fireman and he got cut pretty bad. So anyway, the city sent me the bill and I was all like, "No way!"
Anyway, there were protesters outside the gates to my house. Like, don't they have anything better to do? They were chanting and carrying on like it really matters. Nobody cares about civil rights! As if. Mother and Daddy were only here one night and I totally had Katrinka clean everything, so that was a waste, plus I threw out all my coke and that was mistake. What was I thinking?Now I just have to buy more.
Oh yeah, I went to LA to go to the Oscars. That was ok.

My Head!

What a weekend! I was so blasted on Friday night that I almost couldn't go out on Saturday. Lord! Parties everywhere. Of course, I was devastated that I had to party-hop without my precious Smudge, so I bought a new chihuapoo. He's all-white too, just like Smudge and fits even better in my dog-purse. His name is Honky. Isn't that cute?
Mother and Daddy are coming to visit, which of course means an advance visit from their security team. Whatever. Those guys so bore me. Last time Mother and Daddy were here, we totally couldn't even go out to dinner because of all the protesters. Whatever, get a life! Like they just have to ruin our night out! Of course, Daddy is a trouper and just smiles through the pies, but I think it bugs him that they follow him around all the time and throw pastry. Who cares about human rights violations somewhere in Europe or whatever? I mean, sure, if we were talking about HERE, but like Daddy's company is totally in another country or continent or whatever -- or Africa or something. Where is that place with the civil war? I can't ever remember. Like I care!
So anyway, Dan and Bob will be coming in tomorrow to prepare for the Mother and Daddy's visit. I used to think Dan was cute, but he has absolutely NO SENSE OF HUMOR. Like, Lindsay and me totally faked my being murdered one time and Dan went completely mental and almost shot Wilbur! God that was hilarious, but he was so mad. I totally have to be with someone who can laugh.

Devastation

First of all, I can't believe I'm even up this early. Second of all, I think I'm still drunk from last night and I am completely dying that I lost Smudge. Ok, here's what happened. I was going to a gallery opening last night on SoCo - I mean, I'm not really into art and all that, but everyone was going to be there, so why not? You don't really have to look at that crap on the wall, plus it's good publicity and that never hurts. Anyway, I had Smudge in my dog purse when I left the house, but when I got home she was gone. So of course, I sent Knute back to SoCo to find her, because I was totally making out with a certain famous trailer-park resident. Somebody told me he doesn't bathe and I can believe it. I had Katrinka throw out the sheets this morning because there is no way to get that smell out. Anyway, Katrinka probably kept them and will sell them on ebay or something. I need to get Knute on that and make sure she doesn't. Those eastern europeans just cannot be trusted. I just wish she spoke English. It is hard to mime instructions when you are as hung-over as I am right now. Like, how do you act out "ebay"?
Oh yeah, Smudge - I am devastated! So Knute went back down to SoCo at like 2:00 AM and he said that he called and walked around until like 4:30 but didn't find her. I bet he actually went down to the Warehouse District and went dancing. I don't know why he complains so much about working on weekends, my best friend, Kaysee made her PA work on Christmas. I gave Knute that morning off. I am very generous with him. I mean, I let him have all my leftovers and one time, I gave him the boxers that Wilbur left in my bathroom. What more does he want?
So anyway, if you see Smudge, call me! She's an all white teacup chihuapoo. I am devastated!

Knute, bring me the effing Tylenol

Ohmygod, I got so drunk on Monday night that I haven't even been able to type until today. Without mentioning any names, I will just say that a certain famous Irish bad-boy actor was in town and I hooked up with him at THE hot spot downtown. He is so hot. We totally went back to his hotel and totally made out. He said he was in town to scout locations. I thought they hired people to do that, but whatever! I thought it was sort of weird that he was staying at the Ramada Inn, but he said he was trying to keep a low profile, and everyone knows the celebs ALWAYS stay at the Four Seasons. The most hilarious thing was that his luggage tags said his name was Steve something from North Carolina. Colin said that's his alias for when he travels. It was so hot. I totally put him in my Blackberry.
Yesterday, I went shopping with Knute in tow and found the cutest white pants. White is the new black. Or brown. I can't remember, I think brown was the new black for fall, so I guess white is the new brown for spring. TOO COMPLICATED! Knute is currently off the shit list (for now) because he did find the awesomest sunglasses that totally make me look like somebody famous from the 50s or 60s. I think they had sunglasses back then, anyway, they are CUTE and that means Knute is back on the Good List.

On warning

What a waste last night was! Of course, Tweetie was right on time and covered that cold sore like a champ. I packed up Smudge in the dog purse and headed off to the opening. No red carpet, what? Just walked in, no photo ops - nada (that's spanish). Whatever. The canapes were cold and there was a serious derth of famous people. I swear I am so over this town.
This morning, Knute AGAIN failed to bring in the paper prior to my waking up. He is on warning. Again. Last time, he let me run out of Q-Tips. Unacceptable. One time, he left the kitchen door open when the caterers were arriving for a bridal shower (Terry's daughter) and Smudge got out. Of course, Smudge is so small that she can hide anywhere. Turns out she curled up in a flower pot and went to sleep, but she could have been lost forever. Plus, I heard there are dog-kidnappers in this area, the take people's dogs and ask for ransom, it happened to my neighbor's friend. Anyway, Knute was on warning then, and he walked the straight and narrow for like two weeks before he made another mistake. That was when he left my hair dryer plugged in and I swear he did that on purpose. I should have fired him then. If he didn't know every maitre d' in this town, he'd have been gone long ago.

First Entry

Today was trauma all over the place. First of all, the housekeeper, Lupe, nearly quit and I had to promise to give her a raise. And my lousy personal assistant is good for nothing in a situation like that. I swear, he just gets that deer-in-the-headlights look and freezes. Like, what am I paying him for? Some days I just want to smack his moon face and say, "Knute, you are so fired." He is totally a dream at getting me tables when I want to go out, so I suppose I'll keep him around for awhile longer, but he is treading on thin ice. I mean really, when the domestics get hysterical, I don't think I should have to talk to them. Isn't that his job?
I'm off to an opening tonight and Tweetie will be here in a bit to do my face. Tweetie does not need any publicity, because she is fabulous and I would die if I lost her. She makes cold sores totally disappear. She's like Doug Henning or David Copperfield or some other slightly gay magician. Although, she's a girl and I don't think she's gay. I mean, she's never hit on me, so I'm sure she isn't.
This is all very boring, I think I will have Knute do this from now on. I don't really know much about blogs, my press agent says they are free advertising, so that's why I had Knute set this up. I may just get his fat fingers to type up something everyday or so and make it sound like me. I mean, I really don't have time for this.