Ok. OK! ALREADY!

Look, I was to going to be all big or whatever and not write about Britney, mostly because me and Natalie Portman were in the bathroom during her "performance" and we were busy, you guys! Anyway, I watched it on the internets and like I think it's just sad. She totally wasted a good buzz by trying to perform and I know what she was taking and that stuff is GOOOOOD. But you cannot try to think or move or drive or take a sobriety test when you are on it, trust me I should know!

So my super-smart friends are all getting together and I was totally thinking it was this Friday but it's the NEXT Friday and that seems like a long time to me. I haven't seen some of them since for like ever. Plus, Nancy thinks it's a good idea to spend time with people who "challenge me intellectually." I'm pretty sure that has something to do with the retarded Olympics, but I'm not sure about that whole "challenged" part. If she was calling me retarded I will be furious. And I will tell Daddy and I bet she gets fired.

I can't decide which I hate more, dirty hippies or dirty cowboys

I can't believe it took me so long to recover from my fabulous weekend. Seriously. Like this afternoon I finally started feeling like me again. Probably because I was shopping. I mean, that's the only time I ever feel super-good.

Me and Rhett went to see some movie tonight. It was so crazy, everyone was so dirty. And I don't mean dirty like Paris' movie, I mean dirty like gross. Like hippies. You should have seen their teeth! Gross! I was all, "Yuck" Then there were all these old people there who were deaf and they were like talking the whole time. "What did he say?" "What just happened?" I was furious. I kept snapping my fingers at them and telling them to shut up, but I guess since they were so old and whatever, they just couldn't hear me. I thought Rhett was going to die because he was all squirmy that I was telling old people to shut up, but seriously, I paid for the movie tickets! I never pay for anything! Just ask anyone. And if I actually pay for something, I don't want to hear a bunch of geriatrics yakking the whole damn time. Now look, I am furious all over again.

Russell is still cute. I did him one time. Maybe twice. I can't really remember. That was before me and Paris took that vow. By the way, Rhett says he's taken that vow now. He wants to be more like me and that means making lots of smart decisions. We'll have to see though because Rhett is kind of trampy and I think he might be easy, but I'm not really sure. He tells me stories sometimes and I am all, "I don't even see how that's possible!!!" I guess it's like physics or something. He slept during part of the movie and I was like, "How can you sleep when there is so much dirt nearby?" And he goes, "It was only movie dirt. It's not real." Well, I was like, "That shit was 10 feet tall and you are going to sleep? You suck." So it sort of went downhill from there and he ended up throwing his drink on me. Like I don't know why he's gotta act like that all the time. I feel like I wear a lot of Dr. Pepper when we are together. Whatever. Next time, I am not going to wait for him, I'm throwing first.

Holy crap, I am tired

I've been lying by the pool all day at The Compound. I totally was going to go shopping but I was like worn out. You know, having to be nice for all whole weekend is supah-tiring.

I also decided that if I was going to be seeing non-gays, I needed to for sure have a decent phone at the compound. I mean, mostly I just use my mobile phone, but seriously, why am I paying for a landline? Then I started thinking that maybe if I had a supah-cute phone for my landline, I would use it. So I finally managed to get up and go out. I found a totally cute phone so I'm hoping some of my fans will start calling me now.

Next weekend is ACL and that means a bunch more dirty hippies and musicians crawling all over town. I will totally be laying low all weekend. I wanted to get together with some of my smart friends for drinkies but they are like, "No way." I can't blame them, they don't have drivers like I do and when you have to drive yourself around, it's supah-boring. So I try not to be a hater. Still, I am going to be bored all weekend. I would go somewhere with Rhett, but Nancy says I can't because he is not a "hole some" influence in my life. Like what does that mean? So confusing.

It is exhausting to be me, you guys!

It's a good thing I am so unselfish, you guys. I mean, I am a giver, just ask anyone. And if I wasn't such a giver, my fans would be so disappointed. And I am all about keeping my fans happy.

For instants, I swear the girls at the pedi place love me. You should hear them when I walk in: "Hi Cupcake!" "How are you?" "What color you want?" It's so boring to get excellent customer service. Anyway, me and Mims went this morning for pedis and I was totally thinking nap afterwards, but then we went shoe shopping and whatever and we were standing in line and Mims was like, "What time is your thing today?" So I was all, "Two." See, Nancy wants me to start being seen with non-gays so she wanted me to meet this guy who's not gay. So anyway, Mims goes, "Don't you need to get going?" because I am not going to try to lie, I was tore up looking. Tore up from the floor up - I got that from some of my gay friends. Hey, maybe I do spend too much time with the gays...Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yea, Mims telling me I needed to go get cute. So I go, "What time is it?" And she was like, "12:45." So I was all, "Whatever. I am fine." So she just gives me this look and I starting thinking about time and whatever so I go, "Wait! What time is it?" So she tells me again, and I'm all, "Fuck! I have to go!" So I ran back to The Compound and changed and slapped a little make-up on and fluffed my hair because I don't know who this guy is, he could be hot. He wasn't even famous! But he was super-smart. Like he reads and stuff. Look, I don't like to talk about my personal life here on the blog thingy, but let's just say my little vow might be getting a test sometime soon. That's all I'm saying.

So after I said good night to my new friend, Rhett calls me on the phone and is like, "where are you?" So I'm all, "Car. Almost home." So he goes, "Let's go to the bar." So whatever, I went. But now I thinking that no matter how nice a time I had with that straight boy, if I go hang out with my gays again right after it's like undoing all my hard straight work. Plus, I'm pretty sure Nancy will be pissed when she sees the tabs tomorrow because Rhett was on a tear. Thank god he is going back to rehab in a couple of weeks because he is wearing me out. I need some sleep, but I am like wound up. It's probably those koala uppers we were taking. Those things are strong! That and all the vodka.

I'm feeling all philosophicy or whatever

I hate it when I think. It's so boring. Remember how my parents surprised me a couple of weeks ago? I was toally ok with that because I've been making super-smart decisions lately and that is awesome, so I didn't even have to flush any coke or anything. Super-smart. Anyway, this week, this lady turns up at The Compound. I guess Daddy's people have been reading my blog again because he always sends someone to fix stuff they tell him about.

Ok, so this lady is Nancy. She's ok, I guess, but get this: She's another life coach! Can you believe that! Like after that whole feeassco with Moonbeam, I would think that Daddy wouldn't send anymore life coaches to The Compound! Anyway, somebody who works for Daddy is all worried about the gays loving me. Here's the thing: I can't help that. Everyone does. Like for instants, I have some kind of toy who thinks we are best friends now. That's hilarious. My friends tend to be people! Mostly.

Look, I can't be worrying about my new life coach. Me and Mims are getting pedis today.

Why Don't You Just Take A Bath Already?

Sometimes I really feel like I am the only smart person in the world. Me and Rhett went down to South Congress tonight for "First Thursday" and I have never seen a worse bunch of dirty hippies and witches and gypsies in my whole entire life. Seriously, why does everyone in Austin need a bath? Like, we have plumbing, people!

I am also super furious because somebody ran over a dog in my neighborhood, so today I got on the phone with The City Of Austin and I was like, "I need a speed hunch in front of my Compound." You would think no one had ever heard of a speed hunch! Me and Rhett pronounce that "Spunch" so I was like, "Get me a spunch right now! We do not need anymore dog murders." Well, you would think that girl had never spoken to a super-smart person before because she was like, "I'm sorry?" And I was like, "Yes you are." Whatever. I am just fed up with everything. I think I need to get out of town or go shopping or maybe get some new shoes or something. I don't know why I'm so sick of everything. Me and Rhett went to Sonic tonight too, those fuckers are everywhere!!! - and I didn't even care for my slushy thing. And I love frozen beverages, just ask anyone. Anyway, maybe I need Edgar to give me some more medication or maybe I'm just getting ready to get sad when Rhett leaves. I'm going to bed.

Gawd, My Life Is So Boring, You Guys!

I'm seriously thinking about killing myself because being dead could not be more boring than my life is right now. Seriously, I'm not even sure why I'm still alive - like I should have just died from the boredom.

Here's how boring my life is. Today, I got up around noon, floated in the pool for awhile, took a nap, took a shower, took another nap, called Rhett, took another nap, picked him up in the Mas, went to Sonic (that was fun!), drove down to Hill's to see Rodney Faster, saw all the trucks in the parking lot, got scared I'd get dinged, changed our minds and then drove around aimlessly for an hour, then went to some CRAZY place called a 24 Hour Wall Mart. That shit was crazy! That store had a little bit of everything. Rhett was all, "Let's go to Wall Mart. It's hilarious at night when all the poor people are there." So I was like, "I don't want to ding the Mas, is all." He goes, "We'll park far away." So we did. You would think some of those people standing around in the parking lot had never seen a Maserati before! Whatever, they were freaking out. Then this kid came up to us and was like, "What's that?" And I was just going to ignore him, but Rhett was like, "It's nothing. It's a kit car. It's really a Volkswagon." Like where does he come up with this stuff? So the kid goes, "That doesn't look like a kit car. It looks pretty sweet." So I was still just ignoring him and fixing to walk away when he goes, "In fact, I think I want it." And he pulled out one of those combs that flips open - like I've seen them on TV! I know what they look like, even though this one looked kind of weird. And Rhett was like "!". Anyway, I was like, "Are you going to comb me to death?" And he goes, "What?" So I'm like, "Your comb? Are you going to comb me to death?" So he's like, "What the fuck are you talking about bitch?" And so now I was just getting irritated, so I go, "You a hairdresser? Because I already have Erica and she is awesome." And he's all, "WHAT??!!" And I can tell that he is starting to freak out, so I took out my giant emery board - seriously, it's like 6 inches long - and I started filing my nails and I'm all, "I just got my hair cut, so like, back off." Meanwhile, Rhett is just standing there, like a goof, not saying anything. So I go, "Maybe Rhett needs a haircut." But the kid just goes, "I'm not cutting nobody's hair, I want your keys." So I was like, "What!? You can't have my keys! They probably don't even work in your car! Or your Compound!" So I was like seriously getting bored with this conversation, so I go, "Rhett, let's go be hilarious inside the store. This is boring." So we walked away and I guess that kid put his comb away, although Rhett said later it was a knife! Isn't that funny? He's so crazy making up stuff like that! Anyway, Wall Mart wasn't so hilarious, but that kid was gone when we came out, so whatever.

Gawd, I can't believe how boring my life is. Tomorrow night me and Rhett are going to something called First Thursday. I don't see how a Thursday could be first since I thought that Monday always came first, but maybe I'll figure that out tomorrow. I'm going to bed now!