*SIGH*

So Gus made this awesome pizza for dinner and he was being all nice to me. He was like, "Do you want some ice cream?" And I was all, "No." Because I totally know what's going on. He's feeling sorry for me and I hate that. See, it's been a really hard week for me. First of all, Mother and Daddy came and told me that I'm basically broke. Ok, that's not really true, but I'm not getting any of the Nonnie's billions of dollars. Luckily, Daddy has tons of money and he still loves me, plus he smokes, so he could really go at any time.

The real reason I'm totally upset and why Gus is being nice to me is that Mims and Thad have moved. I don't even have anything else to say. I'm totally sad. I'm so sad that I'm probably going to have to go buy some shoes tomorrow. Rhett being in town hasn't even helped. He kept wanting to know about it last night and I was like, "Can't we just change the topic now?" He was all, "That bitch, did she just move without telling you?" And I was like, "No, I've known for months." So then he goes, "Why didn't you tell me?" And I'm all like, "Why does everything have to be about you?" So then we had a enormous fight in the Chuy's and that was not cute. I don't know why he thinks I'm supposed to tell him everything - especially stuff that actually matters. That's not what friends do! Seriously.

Anyway, I'm so sad that I'm not even bored by all my new stalkers. For some reason everyone's all in love with me again. Not that they ever really stopped but it does seem to come in waves. Some of them are more interesting than others, but really a stalker is a stalker, seen one you seen them all - especially if your security detail has pictures of all them.

Effing EFF!!!

Holy crap, you guys! I am freaking out. So, as you know, Mother and Daddy showed up the other day, which I thought was for the holiday, but it turns out they had news. Bad news. Super-effing-BAD-EFFING-News. Like I know people who've gotten bad news. Like when Lupe died, that was bad. We were bummed for like days. And when my first PA got hit by that car, that was bad. Especially since she said it was my fault and sued me, so it was bad and it pissed me off. But this news, I don't even know what to do about it, I mean I am like GRIEF-STRUCKEN. Or whatever.

It seems that Daddy's Papa, Nonnie (that's not his name, that's just what I call him) anyway, Nonnie thinks I'm bringing "shame" to the family, so he's rewritten his will so that it all goes to some charity. What. The. Eff.? Kitten is way worse than me and she's Daddy's too! At least I wear my underpants when I go out!

Of course, I inherited almost all of Grandmamma's estate, including The Compound, so it's not like I'm going to be poor or anything. I mean, don't worry about that! But like I always figured that Daddy's Daddy would contribute too. I don't know why Mother's family has to be the only generous ones!

Needless to say, this has totally ruined my whole week. The only good news is that right after they told me, they packed their bags and left, so that was awesome. I told Knute and he was like all philosophicky or whatever and he goes, "We have plenty of money. What are you worried about?" Well, ok, first of all, I'm worried that Knute is saying "WE" have plenty of money. I know what I pay him (I think. I need to check with the accountant) and "HE" doesn't have plenty of money. "I" have plenty. So that's a problem right there.

See, this whole thing is making me think, and you all know how much I hate that.

Holy Shit

So this morning, I was just lying around and talking to Mr. Cat. And suddenly Knute comes hauling ass into the Master Suite with the phone in his hand. Well, he was freaking out and he knows how I hate that, plus it made Mr. Cat jump off the bed which really pissed me off. That reminds me that this new cat has turned up at The Compound. He's all white and really pretty. His eyes are yellow and he's super lovey. Mr. Cat isn't as excited about this new one as I am. I think I'm going to call him Polar Bear. Isn't that a funny name for a cat?

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, so Knute comes tearing in the door and whispers, "You parents are here." I was like, "What?" And he goes, "They are at the gate." Well, we were freaking out, I don't mind telling you. Turns out Mother and Daddy decided to show up for that holiday that's today or tomorrow or whatever. So I threw on some Juicy Couture (which is totally NOT couture, by the way. I'm pretty sure there's no such thing as elastic in real couture) and scooted downstairs to meet them in the foy-yay. I hate it when they come to visit. It's so like nervewracking. So now me and Knute have to be on our very best behavior which is way boring. Mother was walking all over checking for dust, then she went to the guesthouse to unpack. Meanwhile, Daddy went to the mediaroom and started looking for football. He's staying in one of the guestrooms in the Main House. Mother brought her spiritual guide, Nathan Redcloud, so I guess the yoga dude is gone. Anyway, they are staying in the guesthouse which Gus thinks is funny, but I'm not sure why.

Anyway, Happy Christmas, that's what Knute tells me it is.

Me

Here's the thing. Apparently there's some sort of holiday coming up. I was lounging around the media room last night and Knute comes in and goes, "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas."

Except he was singing which was not cute. So I go, "What?" Really just to make him stop singing. He's all, "Christmas, remember how we have that tree in the ballroom?" I was like,
Yeaaaaaa." So I guess it's been a whole year since we did all that shit last year. So I go, "Did I shop this year?" And Knute goes, "Of course!" So now I'm bored by Christmas. I might go out today to shop just because, you know, I like to do that.

You know what I don't like? Please who are scared. I'm not scared of anything after all that therapy in the attic. Like I'm not going to go into the all the gorey details, but seriously I'm so sick of people. It's a good thing it's cold right now because if it was warm and people were swinging by to hang at the pool, I would totally go apeshit. I think this time of year you are supposed to be thinking about others, but they make me so furious, I'm just going to think about myself because that makes me happy.

Sun Dried Tomatoes Make Me Furious

Ok, so here's the deal. On Tuesday, me, Yoli and Knute were out and about doing some stuff. We almost had a car wreck and died. Everyone's ok, but like now I'm thinking about stuff. And you know how I hate that. So turns out that for lunch that same day, we had Italian and I passed on a dish because it had sun dried tomatoes in it. Like why would you dry out a tomato? They are awesome. I can totally see drying a grape (raisin) or a plum (fig) but tomatoes are awesome on their own. So anyway, while the car was spinning around and I was sort of thinking we were going to die, I was going, "Fuck! I should have just told them to substitute fresh tomato and had what I wanted." Not that the gnocchi wasn't awesome, it was. But you guys all know how I love spinach - even after losing Lupe, I still do! So here's the thing, now I'm just thinking about how sun dried tomatoes could have ruined what little time I had left on the world, which really turned out ok, since we just totalled the Range Rover and now I can get a new car!

Also, why are dried grapes "raisins" and dried tomatoes are just "dried tomatoes"? I think they look sort of like a vadge, so you could call them that. "I'll have the polla florentine with vadge." Not that I would do that, since I hate sun dried tomatoes, but you could.

So the other thing I'm thinking about, which I hate, is the whole "What am I doing with my life thing?" (Besides buying a new car! Something awesome, but I don't know what.) Good thing Rhett is in town so I don't have to think for the next couple of weeks!

Boys

Ok, turns out food banks are all about canned goods, but I was thinking it was just where you put your cans to keep them safe. Not so much. Anyway, we got it all straightened out. Gus isn't mad anymore and Knute finally stopped laughing. He's so weird.

I heard from Rhett today. I thought he was still on tour, but it turns out he's home already for the holiday. I'm super excited, I mean, I don't bother getting excited about much of anything, but I really want to see him. He's awesome. We have all sorts of glamourous red carpet stuff to do for the next few weeks. It will be super boring.

WHAT A WEEKEND, PEOPLE

Ok, turns out a food bank is where poor people go to get charity. Not like a place for canned goods. Knute had to explain to me. Gus isn't mad anymore

Here's the thing, though, people. My friend Waff, he's super nice and whatever and he told me he was moving this weekend, which is awesome. USUALLY. I love to watch those big strapping guys come load up all your stuff in that giant truck and then they drive away and by the time you are done with vacation in Nice, your house is all unpacked. Love that.

Yea, well, that's not how Waff moved. First of all, I had never been to his old place, so I saw that first and it was like horrifying. I mean he had a gate and all, but once you got inside the gate, it was something called "apartments." Like whatever! We have a flat in London that is kind of like an apartment, but it's 4 stories! This was like 5 rooms. I kept walking around going, "Oh.My.God. Where's the bar? Where's the media room? Where's the library?" I was freaking out!!! Waff was like, "Shut up and help me carry this sofa to my truck." I was all, "What? I don't think so. I just had my nails done." I have no idea what he was thinking inviting me into a place like that. So anyway, I was thinking maybe his new place would be awesome, like on the lake or at least a golf course. No. It's in a neighborhood. There's no gate, no security guards, no nothing. He wanted me to go to someplace called Bed Bath and BeYawned, but I was scared to leave the Maz on the street! Hellow, I'm pretty sure those people were middle class. Daddy says you cannot trust the middle class. I'm not really sure who is middle class but I am terrified of them. So anyway, we went to that bed place because Waff wanted a shower curtain, I was all, "Isn't your shower glass-enclosed?" He was like, "No." I was like, "!" That means I'm speechless as I'm sure you remember.

Anyway, that store was just terrible. It was tiny, there were no personal shoppers and you had a push a cart around. It was almost like the grocery store, only worse. Then he wanted to go to The Target, which was crazy! It has groceries AND shower curtains. I was losing my mind. Finally I was like, "Waff, I gotta go, this is too bourgeois for me!" And I don't even know what that means!!!

Anyway, he suggested a burger and a beer, so that was fine, but now I'm thinking I'm going to have to rethink my whole friendship with him, I mean, if he's middle class and the middle class is the enemy, then I'm pretty sure Waff is my enemy. HOLY CRAP.

This is all very confusing. My head is spinning. I couldn't wait to get back to The Compound. Now I'm sitting in the Master Suite with Mr. Cat and I'm seriously freaking out, people.