Yuck

All of Austin smells like a dead cricket bat. Or a bunch of dead cricket bats. When I went to see Knute today - I guess his doctor said it was ok since I wasn't even in disguise - when I went to see Knute I was all, "What is up with those bats?" And he was like, "What bats?" So I'm all, "The little crunchy, chirpy ones." He goes, "Those are crickets." I was like, "Cricket bats stink. For reals." So he was like laughing - which was good to see - and he goes, "A cricket bat is something else entirely. A cricket is a bug." I was like, "Whatever --too complicated!" Anyway those fuckers are everywhere! At night it is like totally gross! They are flying around all the lights and tonight I had to go to the grocery store - I KNOW! I said I would never ever go back, but like I was out of that juice for my contacts and Gus won't buy me stuff like that. He only buys food. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the cricket bats! Those fuckers are piled up like coke at Kate Moss's house all over and they smell so nasty! I walked in that store and I was like, "I need a manager. Or the president." So this lady come hustling over and she was all, "How can I help you?" And I was all, "You wish you could! Can't you have your people sweep those dead cricket bats away and spray some air refreshener?" And she was all, "Certainly. Where are they?" So I totally point and go, "All over the parking lot! HELLOW! Where have you been? Your driver must drop you off at the VIP entrance if you've missed that!" So she looks all confused and she goes, "You want us to spray air freshener outside?" So I was like, "Duh!" Anyway, it sort of got complicated from there and I guess I can't go back to that HEB anymore. That's ok, it was full of poor people and cricket bats so it wasn't really my scene anyway.

Speaking of "my scene", me and Rhett are going out tomorrow to some country show in South Austin. Like that's practically a foreign country! I'm scared but Rhett says it's ok. We're supposed to be seeing someone named Rodney Foster. Rhett kept saying, "It's RADney." I was all, "Yeah right!" He's trying to make me look stupid. Ha!

New fans

So it's super-fun to have a new fan-base. Apparently, all the gays from Saturday night love me. They are all about Cupcake. Everyone is, it's so boring.

You know who really loves me? Steve. He keeps asking me when I'm going to come visit him in LA. He wants to know if I want the top bunk or the bottom bunk. I think that must be some sort of code or something. Like is that slang? I was like, "I think I'll stay in a hotel." So then he was like, "You can have my queen bed in the master." I was like, "!" I'm pretty sure that's some kind of gay code or something. It's probably really dirty or something.

I guess today was some sort of holiday because like no one was around. Gus wanted to teach me how to use the grill and that was scary, you guys! The thing about fire is: it's like crazy! You think you know what it is going to do but you don't! Like I have all sorts of respect for Butch now and his one leg working that fire with the meat, the corn and the potatoes. Plus, he was drunk. I mean, I was only grilling some burgers but I still managed to set my Hermes scarf on fire. And I was only buzzing. Can you imagine how flammable I would be if I was super-drunk? Scary. I'm thinking as far as drunk driving goes, that is way safer than drunk grilling. For reals.

So the other cool thing that happened this weekend was that I found out Rhett will be here for almost another 3 weeks. Like I'm thinking we need to go somewhere. Like London. Even though it's so boring. I don't know.

The Gays Love Me

They might as well call Splash Weekend "The Big Gay Weekend" because I guess the gays all come out for it. That was pretty cute to see a bunch of people I'll never see again. Probably.

Last night started off crazy because Rhett's dad invited me to come have dinner, I thought at the estate, but no. No. Rhett's daddy, his name is Butch and he owns a television station or some networks or something about TV, I don't really know. Anyway, Butch thinks he's like "outdoorsy" or whatever and he's always going on about hunting and fishing and cows and crap like that. We have nothing to talk about. Ever. Anyway, I put on a little Pucci dress and some Choos and headed over to the estate, but Rhett goes, "No, we are going to the land." Like that is so mysterious sounding to me. "The land." Like first we were going to space but not now! Whatever, I was thinking about that and Rhett takes me out to the air strip and we get on Butch's jet and the next thing I know we are in New Mexico. I was like, "I did not even bring my passport, you guys!" Anyway, Butch has a place out near Santa Fe. That town is cute and so foreign looking! Anyway, the driver took us out to the country. I mean out there. Butch was there, he only has one leg, by the way. He had a fire going and he was cooking steaks and potatoes and corn. I climbed down out of that SUV and I was all, "What the fuck is up with all this nature?" I was not expecting that. I don't do nature. Also, while we were sitting at this table, eating steak, a cow walked by and I was like embarassed. I wanted to go, "I hope this isn't a relative!" That cow was crazy. He had his baby cow with him and they were both drooling. Later someone told me they probably had "mad cow disease." But I was like, "He didn't seem mad, I think he just had rabies." All wild animals have it.

Anyway, you would think that would be like a full evening with all the nature and stuff, but no! We got back on the jet and flew back to Austin, went home and got all cute, I had something called "cow paddy" on Choos. That did not smell so good. Anyway, we got all cute again and went out to the bar. Rhett was looking at my outfit and he goes, "I love your little outfit! You look sexy! How did you put that together? Did you do that all by yourself?" And I was all, "Yes. I was thinking about hiring a stylist, but this outfit is so good, I might not." Rhett goes, "You don't need one. You could be one!" I was all, "!" Maybe I'll do that! I mean, that's basically what this blog is for, to like help people be awesomer and that's what a stylist does. The only problem is that I hate to work.

It's Splash Weekend, as I think I already wrote about, and the gays love me. I don't really know why except that I'm so fabulous. Anyway, it sure was confusing because, I looked awesome, and everytime I turned around someone was touching me or my Versace dress - silk - anyway, it was girls usually! I was like, "This is a gay bar. You aren't a guy." I think those girls are sad that just hang around gay bars and try to look like boys. I wanted to say, "They will never sleep with you because you are a girl." It was totally weird but most of those girls were kissing other girls by the end of the night! That is crazy! If they wanted to be with other girls, why are they at a gay bar!? "!"

Anyway we were hilarious and we saw all sorts of people we know and that was fun. Later on, after the bar closed, we were standing outside chatting and Rhett started playing one of our favorite games called, "Hi! How are you? It's good to see you again!" I love that game. Anyway we had a fabulous contestant named Steve. He was really good at it. He and Rhett really hit it off and they were chatting and then Steve's friends came over and they were so cute! Chris and Andy! I was loving them - what up, Chris and Andy!? - we talked to them for a like a hour. I was a little hurt that they only wanted Rhett's number, but I guess they were scared to ask me because I think mostly famous people don't give out their numbers except to other famous people, so nonfamous people don't even ask anymore. I wasn't mad or anything. By the time I dropped Rhett off at the estate and I got back to The Compound it like 5:00 or something! Gus was already up! I was like, "Hi! How are you? It's good to see you again!" but you can't really play with people you know or else it's not hilarious. He was like, "Are you just coming home?" And I was like, "Yes! I am exhausted from being so fabulous." So he was like, "Go to bed. You are still sick, crazy girl." So I did and I just woke up and he made me a waffle and my life is like perfect.

Who are all those people?

Like, I was just playing around on myspace and I started looking at my friends and I was like, "Who the fuck are all these people?" For real! I mean, I know Rhett, obviously and Tacoco and Holli and Erica and Aeon and Justin and Sammy and Josh and ok, well, maybe I do know all those people but there are a lot of baked goods and people and toys that I don't even know who they are. Seriously, it is hard to be famous, you guys! It wears me out how much people love me. So boring.

So me and Rhett found ANOTHER Sonic tonight and they actually understood the meaning of "easy on the ice." It might have been because I said, "Seriously, don't go crazy with that ice. Don't make me come in there." That girl was probably scared. Sometimes, when I put my sunglasses on top of my head, people get scared. It's true. Anyway, we decided to go shopping tonight and the weather was treacherous! Isn't that an awesome word? Me and Rhett were saying it all night. He still wants me to call him Starfish, but I think it is just weird to want to go by something other than your own name, you know? Like what does that mean? I wish I could go by something other than my name, but by now, I'm so famous that everyone knows me and I always hear, "Cupcake this" and "Cupcake that" everywhere I go. It is so boring. For real.

Anyway, I bought a totally cute cashmere sweater for fall - argyle pattern in black and grey with the cutest little zipper in front. I know it's like 400 degrees in Austin, but I just had to have it. I was actually looking for something to wear out tomorrow night. Me and Rhett have to make an appearance at some party - thanks, Yoli! - and then I guess it's something called Splash Weekend in Austin. I have no idea what that is, but Rhett seemed to think it was something. Anyway, I was looking at the cutest little silk Marc Jacobs number, but then I got to thinking about splashing and how water is not cute on charmeuse, so I'm leaning towards something cotton or maybe linen. We'll be out shopping, so holler at me! I don't know how we are celebrating Splash Day or what exactly you do for that. I mean, I plan to lie by the pool to get a little color tomorrow, but other than that how do you celebrate a splash? It's all very confusing.

Knute, my new hair and weird fashion choices

Ok, so I felt a little better today and since I was so sick, I didn't get my hair cut and go see Knute this week like I wanted to. So anyway, I got Erica to whack off all my hair and it is super-cute, you guys! So I totally went to the mental hospital to see Knute and he is not cute! First of all, a straight jacket is not a cut, nor is it cute! It is not flattering at all. First of all, I don't see how you can get anything done wearing one of those. I mean, like you can't even put on lip gloss! Please. Anyway, Knute was glad to see me and he said that the doctors think he's going to be able to recover. Of course, this is all so totally weird because I guess you guys all remember how he got kidnapped by that guy who he met online when we were in NY? I've never known anyone who got kidnapped more than once! Did you? I mean, that's just crazy. I did know this girl who went to school with me and Mims in Switzerland and she used to call her parents and tell them she was kidnapped and they needed to send her ransom money. They were so stupid, they always fell for it and we would just go to Monaco or wherever and party for the weekend. I don't think that counts, though because Knute was really kidnapped and she wasn't. I'll have to think about that for a bit. The really weird thing is that both times Knute got kidnapped I never even called the police! Isn't that hilarious? I need to pay more attention, I guess.

Anyway, like I was saying, my hair is super cute. No more extensions, unless it's a special occasion. Speaking of which, I dreamed when I was sick that I traded in the Maserati for a yellow converible Mini Cooper. Isn't that hilarious? Like I would do that! In the dream, I was like going to a party or something and I wanted a yellow convertible. Then after the party, I was wanting the Mas back, but it was gone. Like I would trade in the Mas for a Mini! I hate Minis. They are so common. I see them all the time. My Mas is special and you know when you see that Mas in Austin, it's me. I love that.

Being famous is the best way to be awesome!

Hey, have a great weekend, me and Rhett will probably be out and about. The vet has some new alligator tranquilizers that he got in Florida - everyone knows how I feel about Florida, but alligator tranks sound pretty good! So we'll probably be wherever the cute people are! Smooches!

Leave me alone.

I'm sick. I'm so sick that Gus put this little stick in my mouth and him and Katrinka were talking about taking me to the hospital. Gus was saying that if it gets up to 102, then he was taking me. Katrinka said wait til it was 103. I don't even know what that means. A hundred and two WHAT? All I know is, I feel too bad to use exclamation marks. You know that means I feel like crap.

Weekends are hard, you guys!

So, ok, thank goodness Rhett was out of town this weekend because with the whole Monte-holding-Knute-hostage-in-the-attic drama, it was crazy. Plus the whole Monte on the lamb thing. I totally don't understand being "on the lamb." I mean, I've seen lambs and they are like clumsy. And not like super-fast, so if you are hiding out and on the run, why would you get on a lamb? I mean, they are little too. How could a lamb hold a person? I guess it's a figment of speech or whatever. Anyway, Monte is on the lamb (seriously, I would rather be on a squirrel, those fuckers are FAST) and calling me and talking about his gun and how he wants to come visit me. I was like, "I don't think that sounds like much fun at all." So now the cops have a tap on my phone and I can't hardly have any fun anymore.

Anyway, I was exhausted on Friday from all the interrogations and whatever so I just went to bed early. Then Saturday Mother and Daddy surprised me and boy was I surprised! I was like sitting in the kitchen comparing notes with Gus about what the cops asked us and there's a buzz at the gate, so me and Gus just stared at each other and finally he goes, "You gonna get that?" I was like, "Oh!" So I went over to the security room and looked and saw Dan, Daddy's security guy, staring into the camera - it seriously freaked me out! So I was like, "!" and I buzzed them in and I guess Daddy or someone read about it and they came to make sure it stayed out of the papers. Anyway, I haven't seen them together in like forever, so it was kind of fun I guess. We had lunch and then they left, so I guess all this stuff is going ok. Here's the thing though, I was pretty sure Daddy should have been mad for me and Mims taking his plane a couple of weekends ago to go to New York - where by the way, I have a bunch of new people stalking me - so boring!!! Anyway the whole weekend reminded me of that time Liza Minella tried to kill me. What a story! It was just like that scene from Showgirls where that crack girl with the hair pushes that girl with the lips down the stairs. Except Liza Minelli doesn't do crack anymore and I am way cuter than that chick with the lips - she's like OLD. Liza too. Whatever it was tramatic. Almost getting killed is hard, you guys! Also having a maniac kidnap your personal assistant and hold him prisoner in your attic is super-hard! I am like tired. Anyway what was I talking about? Well, on Sunday my friend suggested some waffles to help get my mind off all the cops and stuff, so he suggested this cute place called Katz's. It was cute, but they didn't have waffles, so I was livid. It ruined my whole weekend, until I went to Mims and Thad's house for dinner, but it was super boring so I left. Knute is still in the hospital - I think his brain is broken or something. That's the real reason Daddy came, I think. He ended up paying all of Knute's bills and I guess he's going to do that so Knute won't sue, but Daddy doesn't know that Knute would never sue. I have too much crap on that boy. He wouldn't dare! I wanted to go see him today, but the nurses wouldn't let me. WHATEVER! I do what I want.

Tomorrow Erica is going to cut all my hair off so I'm sure it'll be all in the papers by Wednesday. I figure if I get my hair all cut off, the nurses won't recognize me, so I can slip in and see Knute. I heard he's in a straight jacket or something which I can't really picture because Knute is sort of pear-shaped so he really ought to stick with A-lines.

The other thing about lambs is that they are delicious. With mint jelly.