Exterminators

So I've been like totally worrying about how to get Monte out of the attic, as my readers all know. So finally, I just called an exterminator and was like, "There's something big in my attic and I need it gone." So the dude showed up this morning with like a flashlight and all kinds of shit and Katrinka had to show him how to get up in the attic and I heard him sort of walking around and then I heard him scream like a girl and he came hauling ass down the stair thingies and he goes, "What the hell is going on here?" And I was like, "What?" So he goes, "I have to call my supervisor." So he goes outside and me and Gus were like, "?" (that's when I'm speechless AND curious!) So me and Gus went up there and I was seriously freaking out you guys! It looked like Monte had been living up there, but that's not the worst part! The worst part is that Knute was all tied up with a gag in his mouth. Like I don't know why that exterminator dude didn't AT LEAST cut him down, but he didn't. Gus had a big knife with him, so we did. He was like crying and going, "Oh thank god! Oh thank god!" Over and over. It was crazy you guys! Anyway, Monte was nowhere to be seen and the cops came to talk to Knute, because I guess his parents put out a missing persons report which I guess I should have done, but like whatever. I can't spend a lot of time beating myself up about this, right? I'm super glad to have a PA again, even if he does have to spend some time in the psychiatric hospital. At least I can get into ACL.

Hole-EEEE Crap, you guys!

God, what a day! First me and Rhett met some of my smart friends at a play. I guess it was a play, but it was only one guy and first he was talking about how he killed all these kids and then how his wife gave birth to a white puppy or a weasel or something. And I guess they shaved it to make it look like a person or something? I wasn't really listening because I was bored out of my mind. Like who wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a baby, a dog and a weasel? For reals! At half-time, I look at Rhett and go, "I can't take much more of this." And he was all, "I know! Right?" So we went outside to pretend to smoke but we really got in the car and left. So then we were like super bored, but Rhett knew about this place called a "Sonic" and it was super-cute. You pull up in your car and then you push this little button and someone takes your order and then in a little bit this girl comes out with it, then you pay her and you drive away! You never have to get out of your car! It was even awesomer than a drive-thru. Anyway, we went to a Sonic and then we drove around being totally bored for like hours. We were going to go see a movie again, but all the people at the movie theater looked like they smelled funny, so I refused to get out of the car. So then we went shoe shopping at some cute little boutiques and then he wanted to see one of the other lakes in Austin, so we found another Sonic - they are like everywhere! - and we were driving out to Lake Travis to see the nude beach and we were just talking and whatever. I mean I really missed him while he was in Japan because I guess they don't have cell phones in Japan because I didn't talk to him for a month. Anyway, we had all kinds of Sonic drinks and then we didn't even feel like eating! That is so not like us. Anyway, he wanted to go to a book store, which was hilarious, so we did that too. Like, who goes to book stores? It was awesome, I was laughing the whole time. He bought a guidebook to Austin because when we were growing up, his parents were super-scared that he was going to get kidnapped so they hardly ever let him off the grounds of the estate. Which is so totally sad to me, because like he hardly knows anything. Don't tell him I said that! When he was talking about going to see a taping of ACL, I was like, "Ha! Good luck getting tickets to that without Knute." And he threw his drink on me and was all, "Don't you ever call me out like that, bitch." I was all, "!" (Remember, that means I'm speechless!!!) anyway, I was all, "!" with cherry Dr. Pepper dripping off of me. It was not cute. I was like, "I hate you, I want to kill you!" So then the people at the bookstore told us to leave and by the time we got out of there, we were like laughing, so whatever. Anyway, my point is this: I think if I had a baby that was a puppy or a weasel, I wouldn't shave it and try to pretend it was something it wasn't. I mean, if you are a puppy or like a rodent, you should just love yourself the way you are!

Gates, Movies, Famousness

My gate was broken. It wouldn't open, so I couldn't leave the house. I was so bored. Finally Rhett calls and is like, "Let's go see a movie." Sometimes I like to go out to the movies, even though my media room is totally comfortable. Sometimes I just like to see how like normal people act. And by "normal" I mean "not famous". So I was dying to leave. I drove the Maserati down to where I normally leave The Compound but the gate didn't open. I sat there for like 20 minutes waiting. Normally, this is the kind of thing that Knute would do for me. Since I didn't really have a PA anymore, I knew I was screwed. So I went back to the house and asked Gus what I should do. Gus goes, "Why don't you just call someone to come work on the gate?" So I was all, "Yeah but who?" So Gus gets out that thing called a yellow page and I go, "Oh no! Not a yellow page. That shit doesn't know anything! Me and Mims tried to use it in New York!" Gus just frowned at me and goes, "Here's one. You want me to call?" I was like "!" - remember that means I'm speechless -isn't that cute? So anyway like 20 minutes later this little dude arrived and he was all talking to himself and pulling wires out and whatever. Finally he got it to work and he got me to autograph something for him - and then gave me a copy! Like I don't already have my own autograph!!! - and he left. Then the gate was working fine so I went to go meet Rhett. I was feeling like a great sense of accomplishment! I fixed my gate! Anyway we walked in late and sat in the back, like all famous people do, but then people started looking and seeing who we are and there was all this whispering and I had to snap my fingers real loud like I do. I know Rhett likes the attention and he enjoys being recognized but I just think it's stupid and boring. After he's been famous as long as me, he'll be bored too. Lucky for me, Rhett hasn't asked about Monte yet. I don't really know what I'm going to say.

Sometimes I hate it when I'm right

Ok, so here's the thing. Rhett came home and brought a fucking hurricaine with him! Seriously, Texas is about to be hit by a hurricaine. Like I need him to leave, for reals! If it was called Hurricaine Rhett I would definitely leave the state. Like I don't know why they name them, that seems crazy to me. It seems like something that is seriously fucking up your life shouldn't have like a name. I like to name stuff, like The Compound or The Triplex or The Pool. But those names are like totally sensible, not like Erin or Aaron or whoever this hurricaine is. Also The Fish Pond. Or The Fire Pit. Like see how sensible those are? I am all about being smart or whatever. What if I named my house like Kevin? "I'm going back to Kevin, I'm so drunk!" That doesn't make any sense!!! But like, "I'm going back to The Compound, I'm so drunk!" That makes perfect sense. I should call whoever is naming the hurricaines and talk to them. Like just call them "The Hurricaine." Like imagine you are sitting in your media room, with your PA and the weather person comes on and goes, "The Hurricaine is totally destroying Houston (or wherever, I mean they can hit anywhere)." But like if the weatherdude is going, "Maggie is totally destroying Houston (or wherever)," you would think some lady was going nuts in Houston, which is totally possible because people are crazy in that town. Seriously, that town is fucked up. Even if Bucky is from there.

Holy Shit, you guys!

I am seriously scared you guys! Ok, I don't normally bother with news or anything, but like when Rhett went to Japan I was worried about him, so I was like actually listening when the news people said that there was an earthquake in Japan right after he got there. Then there was a sue-nam-ee or whatever right after that and I was pretty sure the Japanese god was trying to kill him, which is not cute, you guys! So I was super-glad when he said he was coming home. But then I heard there was a earthquake in Haiwaii and they were also waiting for a hurricaine and that was right when he was flying over the Pacific! So like now I'm thinking the American god is out to get him too because I'm pretty sure Haiwaii is America! So now I'm scared to see him because if he is cursed or something I could be in trouble, because I'm pretty sure god doesn't care for me either.

Oops!

So I posted earlier and then I went to myspace to see what everyone was up to. There was a message from Rhett, reminding me that he's coming home from Japan. I totally forgot about that. I hope he's bringing me a kimono. That would be awesome! So anyway, me and Mims were lounging around the triplex and then I read that I was all, "Shit! Mims we have to go. I have to get Monte out of the attic before Rhett comes home." So the bathroom redecoration will have to wait.

I'm trying to think of how to get Monte out and all I can come up with is the people who kill the bugs in your house. I don't think I want Monte killed, necessarily, I just want him gone. I mean, how are Rhett and I supposed to party and have a good time and all that if we're thinking that Monte is peeking through the air vents at us? On the way back me and Mims were talking about another night at Roy's with all the mai tais. I can hardly wait. I hope the homeless people don't talk to me again, that's wasn't cute.

More on waffles and redecorating

So this morning, me and Mims got up and we were starving so we were going to go look for waffles, but then I discovered that I didn't have a blowdryer at the Triplex, and I didn't have anyone to send out to get me one, so it was like a seriously complicated. We just sat around - starving - waiting for our hair to dry and then we weren't even cute! So the first thing we had to do was find a blow dryer store. So Mims knew about this thing called a "yellow page." She said it lists places to buy stuff, which sounds really smart! So I was looking for blow dryer stores, but I didn't see any, so maybe a yellow page isn't so smart after all. Anyway, it was a hard morning. Finally I thought about asking my doorman where the blow dryer store was. First he was just staring me for awhile, then he goes, "You could buy a blowdryer at Duane Reade." So I was like, "Oooo! What's that?" So he goes, "Oh, it's just a drug store." When we heard that me and Mims were like, "Awesome!" So he told us where to go and as we were walking, Mims goes, "Why don't we live here all the time? It's like hard to get drugs at home, but here there's a whole store!" I was all, "I know!" So we were super excited, but there weren't any good drugs in that whole store! We up and down every aisle! Anyway, they had some blow dryers and I was all looking at them, not knowing what to buy - plus they were all really cheap, like how do you pick? Anyway, none of them matched my color scheme in the bathroom at the triplex and I'd already decided I was definitely going to leave it here in NY so it needed to go with the decor. I was staring at the blow dryers and getting pissed and Mims goes, "Just redecorate the bathroom." I was all, "Of course!" She's super smart sometimes! So tomorrow I have to call the decorater. Anyway, I got a pretty cute blowdryer It was crazy. Duane has everything. Except drugs. You know, the good kind.