Pretty Toes Make It a Good Day

Me and Mims got our feet done today. I totally don't even know why I'm in such a good mood. I mean pedis always make me feel good, but I was already feeling good when she texted me. It's not like I got any sleep last night. I should be totally crabby. This afternoon I was standing in the kitchen, staring into the fridge and singing something and Gus goes, "You sure are happy today." I was like, "I know! Isn't that weird?" So he's all, "I'm glad." And I go, "Me too!" That was awesome. So anyway, my feet are cute and me and Mims are going to go shopping this weekend and I'm totally hoping to eat some waffles at some point. Because everyone knows I likes my waffles.

I think I have amnesia, you guys!

That's that thing where you can't sleep right? Like last night I woke up at 4:00 and couldn't go back to sleep. It was so boring. It was so boring I almost posted. But I was too bored. That's the second night in a row I was up at that time. That's when the thing in my attic that I'm pretty sure is Monte is running back and forth. Like how am I supposed to sleep? So now my biological clock is all screwed up and I can't sleep when I'm supposed to and I want to sleep when I can't. So boring. I should just take a Ambien but the last time I did that, an entire rack of ribs disappeared from the fridge overnight and I had a pile of bones stuffed in my house slippers and under my throw pillows. Not cute.

So the new thing I'm trying is that with Knute gone, I decided I needed to meet some new people and I started doing that this weekend. Ok, like who knew anyone was like nice anymore? Seriously, my friends are all bitches in rehab and then there's someone saying something like kind and generous? Who does that? Most of my friends are so bored and like all we do is drink and go to Promises that when someone says something genuine it's like, "!" (that's how I write it when I am like speechless. Isn't that awesome? That came to me last night when I was staring at the ceiling, listening to Monte. Only, of course, it was dark, since it was night or whatever, so I couldn't see anything. But I was thinking about being speechless and how would I write that, because I think important stuff like that all the time. Because I am super-smart. "!" Awesome, right?). What was I talking about?

Oh yeah, nice people. Whatever. It's probably an act. Seriously, who's nice nowadays? It's usually just a quote from a publicist and let me tell you, those people are not nice. Even Yoli. I hope she doesn't read this. She is such a bitch. But she's good at what she does. I mean it never even made the papers that I was at Hazel's Den. Did it?

WTF?

I just got done watching Harry Potter in the media room. I have no idea what the hell was going on. There was a lot of sleeping in that movie and I am not talking about me. How boring does a movie have to be for the lead person in it to be sleeping like half the time? Like if I wanted to see dreams, I would take a Ambien and see my own. Plus, it was like never daytime in the whole damn movie. Oh! And people were flying! Whatever. And, there were way too many stripes in that movie. Thank god that lead boy didn't ever wear them except in one scene, but the other two kids were almost constantly in stripes. I think stripes might be my new plaid. And everyone knows how I feel about plaid. Anyway, I hate stripes so basically I hated most of that movie. In between the times that kid was asleep and those other two were in stripes, I thought I would die of boredom.

Oh! Hilarious. Or Fuh-larious as Holli says. She's fuh-larious. Anyway, Rhett called me from the FUTURE today. I still don't know how that happened, but he called me on Sunday afternoon and for him it was MONDAY MORNING. Plus he was totally drunk and screaming at me in Japanese. I was trying to tell him something important and he goes, "Excuse me, we are talking about me now." I was like, "Whatever!" And he was all, "Look, it is 4 o'clock in the morning. And I am drunk." So I was like, "Ok, it's 2:30 in the afternoon and I'm drunk too. What's your problem?" It was hilarious. I miss him.

Erica did some new color on me and it is super-pretty. I bet that's my natural color. I don't really remember - it's been a long time. Anyway, I'm loving my extensions and that makes me super happy. It's like everything is going super-great for me. Except for Monte. He's still here somewhere on the Compound, probably in the house, but I haven't seen him. I keep hearing something in the attic and I bet that's probably him. That's sort of creepy, don't you think?

What the fuck is up with dogs?

Seriously, I'm starting to think that it's not cool to have Mr. Cat. Like everyone getting press this week has dogs. First it was Brit bought that $4000 carpet crapper, then Michael Vick (whoever he is) had like illegal dogs and now that other black guy has murder dogs. Or I guess they are saying the dogs aren't murderers, they are just hungry. Like feed your pets people! Right this very minute, me and Mr. Cat are hiding in my closet. It used to be a guest room, but I turned it into my closet after I watched a couple of episodes of Cribs. Anyway, we've been here all day. Hiding from Monte. I know for awhile I was thinking he was ok, but I think he had washed my brain or whatever.

Oh! I'm so excited, that bitch Erica finally called me back and I'm getting my hair done tomorrow. I need those extensions back in. I am not cute like this. Anyway, I can't wait to be awesome again. What was I talking about? Oh yes, pets. So Mr. Cat is eating some Godiva chocolates that Alex Baldwin sent me with a letter. Like I think he's the guy that screams at his daughter on TV or maybe that was TMZ.com. Whatever. Anyway, I am a responsible pet owner because I would not let Mr. Cat go without food, like I think that black guy's black guy did. I don't understand why a black person would want another black person working for them. I mean, almost everyone I hire is from somewhere else. Katrinka is from Russia or something. Gus is black. Lupe was a Mexican or something. Even Knute was from Seattle! Harvey my driver is from UK. I mean, that makes me all international or whatever and so that makes me more awesome. Like what if everyone I hired was born in Switzerland to a former starlet mother and a Daddy who owns like everything? That would be so boring. I mean, even though Katrinka and Lupe used to fight, it was super-diplomacy that was awesome when they got along. Which really, now that I think about it, it's pretty good that Lupe died from that spinach because I got so damn sick of all the yelling. They never got along.

So anyway, Mr. Cat is all full of chocolate and is sleeping. I hope he doesn't get pregnant again because all his kittens are roaming all over the Compound. Like that Hemmingway dude. Except he gave all his cats extra toes. I wonder how he did that? If you know, you should tell me because now I think I'm going to be up all night worrying about that fat guy getting extra toes on his cats. Anyway, my cat is definitely NOT going to kill me or eat me. Although I am seriously ready to peek out the door and see if Monte has gone home yet. I wish Rhett would come home and run him off. I'm too scared to tell him to leave.

Mr. Cat

Right now I'm sitting in the media room, hiding from Monte. He's making me mental! Everytime I turn around, he's there - like smiling at me. Sometimes he just sits and stares at me. It's creepy. So I snuck in here a little bit ago and I can hear him walking around looking for me, but we're being really quiet. Me and Mr. Cat. He's sitting on the remote control, and I'm sort of scared that if he rolls over he might turn the TV on and then Monte would find us. I'm trying to type real quiet.

Like how do you get rid of someone who's not even your PA? It's not like I can fire him. I'm not even paying him! Like I don't want to have to think about stuff like this, I just want to get my effing extensions trimmed and my nails done. Why does life have to be so complicated? One minute I'm just driving around France, then I'm in jail, then I'm in LA, then I'm in JAIL again, then I go to rehab, then home, then I get stalked by my neighbor, then it's back to rehab and now I just need a bikini wax and there is NO WAY I'm asking Monte to do it. Why did I fire Knute? I can't even remember now. My life is a mess.

Being Awesome is Hard, you guys!

Seriously, it is tiring. I am like exhausted every day. OMG! Maybe that's what they mean when they say someone went to rehab for "exhaustion". I always assumed that meant "coke" but maybe they were really just tired.

So Monte has been keeping my calendar lately and frankly, I'm sort of surprised that I'm not busier. I mean, when Knute was taking care of my schedule (I like to pronounce that "shed-jewel" one of my nannies pronounced it like that I think it sounds real classy.) anyway, when Knute had my schedule I was like super-busy all the time, but now I seem to have lots and lots of time to spend with Monte. Seriously, it's kind of boring. I found my extensions under his pillow the other day when I was snooping in one of the guest rooms. Now, I know I left them ON PURPOSE in the Maserati so the next time I see Erica (if she will ever bother to drag her ass back to work! I mean, seriously, I've sent her a ton of business just in the last couple of months and she can't be bothered to schlep over and cut my bangs? WTF? that's gratitude! I don't even know what that means, I had a lawyer who used to say that to me all the time. that's gratitude. I thought gratitude is that ripoff when waiters add something to the bill when you're really drunk and they hope you don't notice and I almost never do until the next day and then I am like, "Shit! That guy got two gratitudes!" Pisses me off. What was I talking about? I don't even remember.

Ok, so Rhett is coming home in like two weeks and we were IMing the other day - which is awesome because he is in Japan or China or somewhere crazy like that and it was just like talking to him on the phone, only slower, because I had to type. Anyway, I'm still nervous about the whole Rhett/Monte thing. I know Rhett likes to scare Monte and that's not cute, except it is kind of hilarious, so it's not like I want him to stop, but seriously, Monte has issues! Like my hair! Oh, I think that's what I was talking about a minute ago when I started ragging on Erica who's so effing lazy. Shit! I feel like I'm going around in circles. Maybe I need to take one of these pills Monte's been giving me. He says they are like health vitamins or something, but they make me super-sleepy!!! Maybe that's what health is, like sleep. I don't know, but I am tired you guys!

Rehab sucked, you guys

So I know that I was way up in Michigan or Minnesota or something but I could still have visitors. I got so bored I finally let Monte visit me. He brought my extensions. Not that they did me any good in there! I have to get Erica to put them in again, if she would bother to be at work! As soon as I left Hazel's Den I texted her and she wouldn't even go into work for me! Leaving Hazel's was way harder than walking out of Promises. They made me sign stuff. Like I don't know how they expect to have any sort reputation when they are just autograph hounds! For real!

I had to leave because I'd agreed to make an appearance at some gala for some hospital opening up. I was super-cute, of course. But I hate doing crap like that all by myself, so I let Monte be my escort. At least the booze was flowing freely. The bartenders were cute and I was just running my mouth. Mostly it was boring though. At first I was worried about Monte and how he was going to behave, but he was fine. Mostly he just followed me around and made sure my drinkies were full all the time. I don't know what Rhett is going to do when he gets back in a couple of weeks. He hates Monte and now that Monte is like my PA basically, it's going to be hard. Maybe I'll just go back to rehab when he comes back. Then I won't have to deal with it.