More About Poor People Food

Member how I used to talk about how I'm really black like on the inside? Well, I've actually decided I must be Mexican. The more I think about the more sure I become. Seriously, you guys! Member Lupe? I'm almost positive she was a Mexican, even though she said she was from somewhere else. Well, I totes loved her. I still miss her. Especially when Gus is making a GIANT pot of beans. I mean, I like a bean as much as the next celebritard, but seriously, he makes huge batches! And I try not to let myself think about why he's cooking in those enormous pots because I don't want to get all scared again. Like I don't know why I've been so scared lately. I need to ask Edgar because seriously, the Big Foot, Gus in jail, those crazy bats down by the lake...everything is scaring me lately. That is totally not like me at all! Normally, I don't even pay attention!

I FINALLY finish my community service on Saturday! Thank goodness! Today, I told Knute to call my probation officer and tell him that I would be late on Saturday because me and Mims have pedi appointments. Knute just looked at me and goes, "No. I'm not doing that." I was like, "What?" And Knute just put his little hands on his hips and goes, "No." I was like, "Give me the phone." So he finally gave me the phone, and I'm all, "What's the number?" So he wouldn't give it to me, but I am like super-smart so I called the 411 and asked for Travis County Probation and they totally gave me the number and so I was like, "I need to talk to Jerry." And so I got his voicemail and I was all, "Jerr, I'm gonna be late on Sats. Smooches!" Knute was like freaking out! "They are going to come take you to jail!" I was all, "Please!" But then the more I started thinking about it, the more I was thinking about racial profiling, which I think is where when you are driving down the road, the cops look at your profile to see what race you are. Anyway, I read that black people and Mexican people fit some kind of profile, so I got a hand mirror and I was trying to look at my profile in the bathroom and that is HARD, you guys! Like I don't look like that! So Knute came in and I was like, "Can you tell what race I am by my profile?" And so Knute just stood there for a minute looking at me like I was like crazy or something and he goes, "What do you think you are?" So that was like a question. I had to think for a bit. Finally, I'm like, "I used to be black, but now I think I'm Mexican." So Knute goes, "What makes you think you're a Mexican?" And I go, "I totally love bean and cheese tacos! Plus I speak lots of spanish and I still miss Lupe." So Knute takes this huge breath and he goes, "You aren't black and you are Mexican. You are a JAP." I was like, "!!!" because I was like super-speechless! I just stared at him for a minute and I totally whispered, "Oriental?" Well, I guess he had a asthma attack or something because he ended up lying on the floor, holding his side. I was super scared! AGAIN!!!! When he finally got up, he goes, "I have to go talk to Gus." So he totally left me and I tried to call Daddy and Mother and Kitten to ask them but no one was answering and now I am freaking out because I know you can tell Oriental people by their profiles and I'm pretty sure I'm going to jail.

OK, I Am Like Furious!

So I'm super livid right now. Mims and Thad are moving. Apparently, someone saw my post about how I didn't even know they had kids and called CPS so now they are under investigation for neglect or something. Maybe endangerment too, I wasn't really listening because Gus was making some awesome bean and cheese tacos and I love bean and cheese tacos. Gus says I should have been poor since I like poor people food so much. I'm like, "Whatever!" I don't think I would have been a very good poor person because I am like super-picky, just ask anyone! And I'm pretty sure poor people can't be picky, but I don't know for sure. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yea, Mims and Thad and those kids moving away. I guess there's no extradition with Luxembourg, so that's where they're going. Like whatever! That is going to be hard to go visit them because I'm pretty sure that's in Europe and sometimes I'm too bored to go to Europe.

So like, I guess I'm looking for a new best friend. Like who'm I gonna get my toes did with? And shop obsessively with? Mims was always up for that and now I'm gonna be lonely because sometimes I don't want to hang out with Knute. I feel kind of icky right now. I mean, I guess I sort of feel super-icky. Like my chest hurts and I sort of feel like crying and I'm not even hungover! That's usually when I feel like crying. Or when I don't want to apologize to someone I usually just cry, but I don't think I've done anything this time, I just feel icky.

My bean and cheese tacos were good, though.

Kangaroos are a little scary - what's with that pouch?

So I just decided I'm not even going to think about Big Feet or Chupacabras or aliens or kangaroos or anything. It's just too complicated. Here's what sucks: I've got some more community service tomorrow. I just really want that to be over already.

So I don't know why all my fans aren't filling out the survey! I mean, only 5 people voted and two of them were me! Well, me and Knute. We were reading together because sometimes I like to go back and read what I wrote out loud to Knute so he can tell me how smart I am.

So Daddy called and left me a voicemail about how he thinks the house in the Bahamas might be gone now because of Christmas or something, I wasn't really listening. I heard him talking about Noel and I think that has something to do with Christmas but I'm not really sure. Anyway, he says that he wants a place in Haiwaii. I don't care for Haiwaii, as I think I have talked about totally on my little blog thingy here so I don't need to go into all that again. But I'm totally furious because getting to the Bahamas house was easy and going all the way to Haiwaii will be a giant pain in my ass so I'm sure I'll never even go. So now I don't even have a beach house to go to and I am like livid. Plus the weather has changed here and I can't even lie by the pool so I'm totally going to lose my tan and that is not cute, you guys.

Chupacabras Aren't Scary

So I have a new fan. His name is R. Isn't that hilarious? Like who ever heard of an initial? He's totally stalking me. Which is fine, I mean, what am I supposed to do? Everyone does. So anyway, he sent me a message about the Big Foot and he was going that the Big Foot doesn't really live in Austin so I don't need to worry about it. Which was awesome, right? I was totally feeling better, but then he goes, "You need to be worried about the Chupacabra." So I was thinking that's that holiday that Grandmamma and Grandpappa used to celebrate in December, right? With the socks and the gloves and the underpants for like a week! Well, R put a link on his message so I went and read about it, thinking it was going to be about candles or whatever that was that was burning for way longer than anyone thought. But NO! The Chupacabra is like an animal, but it's a alien and a kangaroo and maybe a dog or it could just be a hoax. So I was like, "Duh, R, that is not scary because when you go to the yootoob you can't even watch movies of it that are scary." Not like the Big Foot anyway. Do you think more than one Big Foot would be Big Feet? Or Big Foots? Now I'm going to be worried about that because I am a writer and it is super-important to be like accurate and concise.

Nature and Shit

So ok, last night I was totally freaking out about that Big Foot thing and then I stayed up all night looking at the yootoob because there are little movies of the Big Foot all over there. So I've been freaking out and trying to avoid Gus because part of me wants to know about what happened when he saw the Big Foot but I'm sort of afraid to hear about it. So anyway, this morning, I was trying to sleep - and not! - and I heard some weird stuff outside, so I went out on the balcony and looked out and saw these fuckers sitting in a tree down by the lake. I was like, "WFT?" I've never seen those bats before. I mean like ever. I got Knute and I was like, "Look at those bats! I want one." Knute goes, "What is that?" So he got out some book with a bunch of pictures in it and found them. They are called caracara bats. They are kind of awesome. They fight alot and I should know because I watched them all day. See the whole idea of that Big Foot thing is just totally scary to me. Like I don't even want to leave my master suite at all. So I went downstairs a little while ago to see what was for dinner and someone rang at the gate, so I went to the security room and it was a bunch of little kids. So I was like, "That is awesome!" So I was going to go yell at them, but then Knute goes, "It's Halloween!" And I was like, "!" because I totally forgot. The Big Foot had me so wigged out that I totally didn't even think about that. So I was like, "Do we have candy?" So me and Knute went down to the gate and sat in some chairs and we were totally having a great time and then this kid in a gorilla suit came up and I was like, "WTF???!!!" So that totally ruined the whole night and I've been up here in my master suite since then. I'm so pissed.

W.T.F.?

That is something called a big foot. I'd never even heard of that shit until last night, me and Gus and Knute were sitting down by the fire pit drinking absinthe and smoking some weed and Gus goes, totally out of the blue, "Lemme tell you about the time I seen a big foot." I was like, "I see a big foot every other Saturday when Mims puts her big flappers in the water at the vietnamese place." And Gus sort of looked at me funny and goes, "No, The Big Foot." And I was all, "She's got Two Big Feet." Then I was laughing really hard and Knute goes, "Big foot. Don't you know about Big foot?" And I was like, "no" So Knute goes to get my cute laptop and pulls up this fucking picture. I almost plotzed! (My grandmamma used to say that, I have no idea what it means, but it sounds super suprised!) Anyway, I was like, "W.T.F.???" And then Knute started telling me all these stories and I was like, "!!!" As you will recall, that means I am super-speechless. So anyway, there we were - totally sitting outside - and I started getting scared. So Gus tells this story about how he and a buddy were out hunting and they came around a bend by a river and one of those things was standing there. I was like, "No way!" And Gus was all, "Yes ma'am." It totally cracks me up when he calls me "ma'am" - I mean, I'm like not old enough to be a ma'am. That's like my mom or maybe Lupe was a ma'am before she died. I guess she's still a ma'am, I mean, it's not like it would change just because you're dead, right? Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yea, Gus and the Big Foot. So anyway, Gus is telling his story and I was sort of thinking about Lupe and then I guess I was trying to be all imaginative and whatever so I was trying to picture the Big Foot and then I don't know what happened, but I totally was in the house. I got scared, you guys! I think it was the absinthe or maybe that weed. Anyway, I totally became convinced that Big Foot was outside The Compound and I was all about to call 911 and Knute was like, "WTF are you doing?" I mean, he was outside talking through the sliding glass door because when I ran in, I locked the door behind me, so Knute and Gus were both standing on the verandah going, "Open the damn door!" I was like, "I am about to call the cops!" And Knute goes, "Absinthe and weed are not part of you plea bargain." Which is totally true, so I let them in and then I was like locking the doors and I turning on all the flood lights outside. Why do they call them "floodlights?" I'm thinking in a flood, lights are like the last thing you'd be worried about. Shouldn't they call them like, "Really big lights" or something? Plus, I'm pretty sure in a flood the electricity doesn't work, so you couldn't use them anyway, right?

So the whole Big Foot thing scares me still and I am mostly sober right now. I put a Bigfoot video on my myspace page because I'm thinking everyone needs to know about this crap. Go look at it!

I'm Great At Everything I Do

Like could I have gotten more complaints about how I'm not writing enough? Like people, I am busy! Super busy. I don't always have time to write about how awesome everything is in my life. I bet a bunch of you are like worried when I don't write, right? whoa!

Ok, so here's what I was up to today. Me and Mims got pedis and then I was supposed to go see Erica for a haircute, but I got a terrible headache at the vietnamese place where we get out toes did. I'm pretty sure it's because I had to throw my Starbucks at the girl because she didn't already have my water drawn in the chair thingy. That's what she gets. Anyway, I probably needed that coffee because I had a terrible hangover. I don't know what I was thinking. Anyway, so I didn't go see Erica and now my hair isn't so cute, right now. I'll have to get her to cut it later on.

Here's the crazy part of the weekend: Mims showed up with a kid! A girl. I was like, "Who's that?" And Mims is like, "That's Clarence." I was all, "It's a boy?" And Mims goes, "No, stupid. She's a girl." So I'm all, "Well, who is she?" Turns out Mims and Thad have kids! I was like, "!!!" (that is like super-speechless!) because they actually have a whole nother one besides that one at the pedi place. Anyway, it was her birthday so she invited me to come to her birthday party - I was like, "I fucking guess!" I've been so totally boring lately that I can't even stand myself. So I was totally thinking a birthday party is like crazy and stuff, well, apparently not when its a birthday for an 8 year old. I mean, we weren't even that drunk. And the kids kept wanted to talk and I'd be like, "Please, get the fuck away from me. Can't you see I'm trying to drink here?" You would think those kids hadn't heard cussing before. Whatever, little prudes.