What the fuck is up with dogs?

Seriously, I'm starting to think that it's not cool to have Mr. Cat. Like everyone getting press this week has dogs. First it was Brit bought that $4000 carpet crapper, then Michael Vick (whoever he is) had like illegal dogs and now that other black guy has murder dogs. Or I guess they are saying the dogs aren't murderers, they are just hungry. Like feed your pets people! Right this very minute, me and Mr. Cat are hiding in my closet. It used to be a guest room, but I turned it into my closet after I watched a couple of episodes of Cribs. Anyway, we've been here all day. Hiding from Monte. I know for awhile I was thinking he was ok, but I think he had washed my brain or whatever.

Oh! I'm so excited, that bitch Erica finally called me back and I'm getting my hair done tomorrow. I need those extensions back in. I am not cute like this. Anyway, I can't wait to be awesome again. What was I talking about? Oh yes, pets. So Mr. Cat is eating some Godiva chocolates that Alex Baldwin sent me with a letter. Like I think he's the guy that screams at his daughter on TV or maybe that was TMZ.com. Whatever. Anyway, I am a responsible pet owner because I would not let Mr. Cat go without food, like I think that black guy's black guy did. I don't understand why a black person would want another black person working for them. I mean, almost everyone I hire is from somewhere else. Katrinka is from Russia or something. Gus is black. Lupe was a Mexican or something. Even Knute was from Seattle! Harvey my driver is from UK. I mean, that makes me all international or whatever and so that makes me more awesome. Like what if everyone I hired was born in Switzerland to a former starlet mother and a Daddy who owns like everything? That would be so boring. I mean, even though Katrinka and Lupe used to fight, it was super-diplomacy that was awesome when they got along. Which really, now that I think about it, it's pretty good that Lupe died from that spinach because I got so damn sick of all the yelling. They never got along.

So anyway, Mr. Cat is all full of chocolate and is sleeping. I hope he doesn't get pregnant again because all his kittens are roaming all over the Compound. Like that Hemmingway dude. Except he gave all his cats extra toes. I wonder how he did that? If you know, you should tell me because now I think I'm going to be up all night worrying about that fat guy getting extra toes on his cats. Anyway, my cat is definitely NOT going to kill me or eat me. Although I am seriously ready to peek out the door and see if Monte has gone home yet. I wish Rhett would come home and run him off. I'm too scared to tell him to leave.

Mr. Cat

Right now I'm sitting in the media room, hiding from Monte. He's making me mental! Everytime I turn around, he's there - like smiling at me. Sometimes he just sits and stares at me. It's creepy. So I snuck in here a little bit ago and I can hear him walking around looking for me, but we're being really quiet. Me and Mr. Cat. He's sitting on the remote control, and I'm sort of scared that if he rolls over he might turn the TV on and then Monte would find us. I'm trying to type real quiet.

Like how do you get rid of someone who's not even your PA? It's not like I can fire him. I'm not even paying him! Like I don't want to have to think about stuff like this, I just want to get my effing extensions trimmed and my nails done. Why does life have to be so complicated? One minute I'm just driving around France, then I'm in jail, then I'm in LA, then I'm in JAIL again, then I go to rehab, then home, then I get stalked by my neighbor, then it's back to rehab and now I just need a bikini wax and there is NO WAY I'm asking Monte to do it. Why did I fire Knute? I can't even remember now. My life is a mess.

Being Awesome is Hard, you guys!

Seriously, it is tiring. I am like exhausted every day. OMG! Maybe that's what they mean when they say someone went to rehab for "exhaustion". I always assumed that meant "coke" but maybe they were really just tired.

So Monte has been keeping my calendar lately and frankly, I'm sort of surprised that I'm not busier. I mean, when Knute was taking care of my schedule (I like to pronounce that "shed-jewel" one of my nannies pronounced it like that I think it sounds real classy.) anyway, when Knute had my schedule I was like super-busy all the time, but now I seem to have lots and lots of time to spend with Monte. Seriously, it's kind of boring. I found my extensions under his pillow the other day when I was snooping in one of the guest rooms. Now, I know I left them ON PURPOSE in the Maserati so the next time I see Erica (if she will ever bother to drag her ass back to work! I mean, seriously, I've sent her a ton of business just in the last couple of months and she can't be bothered to schlep over and cut my bangs? WTF? that's gratitude! I don't even know what that means, I had a lawyer who used to say that to me all the time. that's gratitude. I thought gratitude is that ripoff when waiters add something to the bill when you're really drunk and they hope you don't notice and I almost never do until the next day and then I am like, "Shit! That guy got two gratitudes!" Pisses me off. What was I talking about? I don't even remember.

Ok, so Rhett is coming home in like two weeks and we were IMing the other day - which is awesome because he is in Japan or China or somewhere crazy like that and it was just like talking to him on the phone, only slower, because I had to type. Anyway, I'm still nervous about the whole Rhett/Monte thing. I know Rhett likes to scare Monte and that's not cute, except it is kind of hilarious, so it's not like I want him to stop, but seriously, Monte has issues! Like my hair! Oh, I think that's what I was talking about a minute ago when I started ragging on Erica who's so effing lazy. Shit! I feel like I'm going around in circles. Maybe I need to take one of these pills Monte's been giving me. He says they are like health vitamins or something, but they make me super-sleepy!!! Maybe that's what health is, like sleep. I don't know, but I am tired you guys!

Rehab sucked, you guys

So I know that I was way up in Michigan or Minnesota or something but I could still have visitors. I got so bored I finally let Monte visit me. He brought my extensions. Not that they did me any good in there! I have to get Erica to put them in again, if she would bother to be at work! As soon as I left Hazel's Den I texted her and she wouldn't even go into work for me! Leaving Hazel's was way harder than walking out of Promises. They made me sign stuff. Like I don't know how they expect to have any sort reputation when they are just autograph hounds! For real!

I had to leave because I'd agreed to make an appearance at some gala for some hospital opening up. I was super-cute, of course. But I hate doing crap like that all by myself, so I let Monte be my escort. At least the booze was flowing freely. The bartenders were cute and I was just running my mouth. Mostly it was boring though. At first I was worried about Monte and how he was going to behave, but he was fine. Mostly he just followed me around and made sure my drinkies were full all the time. I don't know what Rhett is going to do when he gets back in a couple of weeks. He hates Monte and now that Monte is like my PA basically, it's going to be hard. Maybe I'll just go back to rehab when he comes back. Then I won't have to deal with it.

Once again, THANKS for caring

Back in rehab. Thanks for worrying about me! Knute has not bothered to visit, but Monte has been trying to see me everyday. I'm so bored that I might let him come visit me. Would that be wrong? I sort of feel like I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for him. I mean, I was chasing him in my car because I totally blame him for losing Knute (not that I miss Knute or anything) and when I saw him outside the tanning parlor, so I was chasing him, crashed my RR and the cops busted me while I was banging his head against a tree. Then the cops found that coke in my pocket that I was holding for Brit so I went to jail. Now I'm back in rehab and I'm not even at Promises. I'm somewhere in Michigan or Minnesota and there isn't even anyone here named Hazel. Someone's coming and I gotta go.

My hair is so cute, you guys!

Dang you guys! My extensions look awesome and I'm totally happy to say that not only did Erica believe me, she thinks I did totally right by firing Knute. So there. You guys can quit sending me hate mail. Look, as far as I'm concerned, this was just the final camel that broke the whatever's back or whatever. I can't remember how that thing goes. Anyways, I mean, like if your boss woke you up in the middle of the night screaming about the stalker next door neighbor stealing her hair extensions and like HER HAIR WAS ALL GONE, why would you doubt her, for real? That's just stupid and I am all about smart, so he had to go. Of course, I can't find anything and I'm like amazed that I could even turn on my computer since he always did that for me. And when I got home the other night, Gus didn't know I like my waffle syrup warmed up in the microwaver. Knute used to do that and he'd use the tiny melon baller to make butter balls. (Wow, that might be dirtiest sounding non-dirty sentence I've ever written and I have written a lot of dirty-sounding sentences! For real!) Anyway, I don't care. I'm not asking Knute to come back no matter what. I mean, I heard he was talking to those people at Noveltown about a tell-all and I was like, "Those people are too busy pretending to be a magazine. Plus, I think they might be poor and Knute is going to want a LOT of money to tell all my stuff because I will sue the bejesus out of him." What is a bejesus? If you can tell me, please leave a comment or whatever. That bothers me. Daddy had a landscaper one time who used to say bejesus and seriously, the more I type it the weirder it looks so that's probably going to keep me up all night tonight.

I totally talked to Kitten today. She wants me to come to the beach house in September. I was all, "September? Nobody goes to the beach in September." And she goes, "September is the new June." I was like, "Whoa!" That blew my mind. Then I was super confused because when do you celebrate Christmas or Channuhanahkah? I wish I knew how to spell that. Anyway, I guess I'm going but I couldn't really get an idea about how to get there. Kitten let me talk to her assistant who was all, "Just go to such-and-such website and the whatever-whatever website and find a fare." I was like, "What? It's like you're speaking Japanese."

Speaking of Japanese, Rhett is in Japan and was buried for three days in Japanese rubble after the earthquake. Luckily, he had a bag of Fig Newtons and some Red Bull, so he was fine when the Japanese people pulled him out. Way to go Rhett!

Also, Bucky will be in town next week and I am so nervous. I've decided that without a PA, I can't get married. I mean, who would do all the legwork? So I'm going to have to break up with him and quit wearing the ring I bought for him to give me. I think it will break his heart, but I am all about smart decisions and I feel like this is right for me now. At least until I get a new PA.

Big ups to whoever who was worried

Thanks so much for caring. Seriously. I'm so sure I haven't posted in like a week and whatever and nobody even emailed me. Not that I would have been able to answer. Let's just say that Monte went too far this time. I mean, finding him at the gate and in the garage and out and about is like one thing, but this is like ridiculous. I woke up on Tues night to find him standing over me with a knife in one hand and my extensions in the other. Like who does that? Anyway. He didn't say anything, he just turned around and left. That was so weird. So anyway, I called Knute in and told him and he was like, "Back to rehab for you!" Then he gets my Daddy on the phone. So I had to go BACK to Promises for a week. And everytime I turned around there were paps clicking away and that fucker Monte kept trying to visit me. As if! I think he still has my extensions so I'm definitely not going to be nice to him. Those things are expensive. The worst thing is that Knute doesn't even believe me and Daddy was just like, "I don't want to hear about poor Monte." Then he hung up on me. What kind of Daddy does that? The first thing I did when I got home was fire Knute. For real this time! I don't care how much I miss him or how hard it is to get tables, I'm not taking him back. I am fed up! Time for some changes in the compound. I might fire Katrinka and Gus. Although Gus is pretty awesome and he made me some excellent waffles when I got home. I think I'll keep him around. But everyone else is going. And I am going to get all healthy and like change my life.

But first I'm going to get some new extensions put in. I think I'm going to be a brunette now instead of a blond. Change is good.