I cannot believe we are still here. I totally wanted to be back in Austin by now. It's been a really bad time and I'm not even sure where to start. Ok, after I got kicked out of Katie's baby shower - WHATEVER - and I hooked up with George, Lindsay and me totally lost Maddy. I don't even know what happened to her. Alls I know is we were at Nobu, gabbing with Cam and Justin and then I left and the next morning I texted Lindsay and she was all, "where u at?" And I was like," Y?" And she was like," I need to no." and I was like, 'OK!" so she was all, "OK!"
Anyway, Lindsay and me met up at Starbucks and I totally ordered a grande mocha half-fat/half soy latte with a sans sucre vanilla syrup and the girl behind the counter used regular vanilla syrup. I didn't actually see her do it, but I'm pretty sure she did. I saw her looking at my baby blue Prada bag and I know she's jealous. Anyway, after I threw my grande mocha at her, me and Lindsay totally left and decided to look for Maddy. I called my friend Steve, the guy from The Sopranos, and he told us where Quentin lives. Then he was all, "Don't you want to have dinner with me while you're in town?" And I was all, "Been there, done that." Then he mentioned he was directing something now, so I decided to see him. Whatever. I totally thought I wasn't even going to be here by today, but since we can't find Maddy, I guess we need to stay. So I might as well have dinner with him -it's free drinks, right?
Lindsay wants me to call Daddy's security team, but I just can't. I mean, this is the life coach he got for me - and I totally lost her! This is way worse than Smudge.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Baby Shower
Wow, I'm totally in LA where I had to go to Katie's shower. Unfortunately, Lindsay and Madison/Moonbeam flew out there with me and we got totally plastered on the plane playing quarters. Believe me, that is hard, especially when there is turbulence. It's like hard.
Anyway, Lindsay was all like, 'I totally want to got to LA with you" and I was all, "Ok, earth to Lindsay, you were not invited. You don't even know Katie or Tom." But she was like," I have to get out of Austin!" I guess she hooked up with some guy who won't leave her alone and she was dying for an In-N-Out after three weeks of only cigarettes and champagne. So I was like, "Whatever." Well, then Madison was all," You can't go without me because I'm totally supposed to be helping you find your path. Plus, Quentin is back in LA and I totally want to do him."
So anyway, Knute got on the interweb and hooked us up with some first class tickets to LAX. It was totally excellent that Knute had arranged for us to have a driver, because like I said, we were hammered by the time we got off the plane. So, I had to go directly to the shower, which was not so cool, because I was still totally flying from the X we did before we left Austin. So Lindsay and Madison - I think I'm going to start calling her Maddy because it's too hard to type Madison - anyway, Maddy and L went off to shop and sober up while I went out to the hills for this shower.
Well, Knute is on the shit list again because he totally let me leave without the frickin present or I might have left it on the plane. Either way, I think I'm going to fire him. Anyway, so I had this driver named Jorge - who was pretty cute for a Mexican or whatever. I think he said he was from Argentina, but I guess that's like part of Mexico, right? Like a state? Anyway, when I realized that Knute had forgotten the present, I was all like, "Oh shit" and he was all, "What is it?" So I was all, "I have to go to this baby shower and I totally don't even know them all that well and my lousy PA forgot to pack the present." So Jorge was like, "Do you know what religion they are?" And I was all, "I totally know that Katie is a Catholic because she was telling me about going to Catholic school one time about 2 years ago." So anyway, Jorge tells me that the traditional baby gift is like a bible and a rosary, so he took me to the bible store and I totally got the cutest little rosary and a bible that was all white and crap. It was excellent and I totally knew she was going to love it.
Well, the shower was seriously a drag. I came blowing in and I was all, "WooHOO! Party people say HO!!!!" But nobody hoed me back - WHATEV. They were all trying to be really quiet -like what is this 3rd grade with the Quiet Game? Whatever. I was totally determined to crank the party up but they were just staring at me when I climbed on the coffee table and took my shirt off. I thought maybe they needed some party favors - so I offered Kelly Preston one of my tiny bottles of tequila from the plane, but she was so uptight. She was like, 'I don't think you understand the purpose of this function." So I said, "Is it to take that stick out of your ass? Is that why we are here? I just need to know." Then that hag Jenna Elfman was all up in my grill going, "We are trying not to traumatize the baby with any unnecessary sounds." So I was like, "Why don't you stop traumatizing us all with your sorry-ass sitcoms?"
Anyway, Kirstie Alley ended up telling me to leave so I totally missed when Katie opened her present, which sucks because I know she was going to totally love it. Bitches.
Anyway, Lindsay, Maddy and I went to Nobu and ran into Cameron and Justin and totally had a blast. I met George Clooney and he is totally not circumsized.
Anyway, Lindsay was all like, 'I totally want to got to LA with you" and I was all, "Ok, earth to Lindsay, you were not invited. You don't even know Katie or Tom." But she was like," I have to get out of Austin!" I guess she hooked up with some guy who won't leave her alone and she was dying for an In-N-Out after three weeks of only cigarettes and champagne. So I was like, "Whatever." Well, then Madison was all," You can't go without me because I'm totally supposed to be helping you find your path. Plus, Quentin is back in LA and I totally want to do him."
So anyway, Knute got on the interweb and hooked us up with some first class tickets to LAX. It was totally excellent that Knute had arranged for us to have a driver, because like I said, we were hammered by the time we got off the plane. So, I had to go directly to the shower, which was not so cool, because I was still totally flying from the X we did before we left Austin. So Lindsay and Madison - I think I'm going to start calling her Maddy because it's too hard to type Madison - anyway, Maddy and L went off to shop and sober up while I went out to the hills for this shower.
Well, Knute is on the shit list again because he totally let me leave without the frickin present or I might have left it on the plane. Either way, I think I'm going to fire him. Anyway, so I had this driver named Jorge - who was pretty cute for a Mexican or whatever. I think he said he was from Argentina, but I guess that's like part of Mexico, right? Like a state? Anyway, when I realized that Knute had forgotten the present, I was all like, "Oh shit" and he was all, "What is it?" So I was all, "I have to go to this baby shower and I totally don't even know them all that well and my lousy PA forgot to pack the present." So Jorge was like, "Do you know what religion they are?" And I was all, "I totally know that Katie is a Catholic because she was telling me about going to Catholic school one time about 2 years ago." So anyway, Jorge tells me that the traditional baby gift is like a bible and a rosary, so he took me to the bible store and I totally got the cutest little rosary and a bible that was all white and crap. It was excellent and I totally knew she was going to love it.
Well, the shower was seriously a drag. I came blowing in and I was all, "WooHOO! Party people say HO!!!!" But nobody hoed me back - WHATEV. They were all trying to be really quiet -like what is this 3rd grade with the Quiet Game? Whatever. I was totally determined to crank the party up but they were just staring at me when I climbed on the coffee table and took my shirt off. I thought maybe they needed some party favors - so I offered Kelly Preston one of my tiny bottles of tequila from the plane, but she was so uptight. She was like, 'I don't think you understand the purpose of this function." So I said, "Is it to take that stick out of your ass? Is that why we are here? I just need to know." Then that hag Jenna Elfman was all up in my grill going, "We are trying not to traumatize the baby with any unnecessary sounds." So I was like, "Why don't you stop traumatizing us all with your sorry-ass sitcoms?"
Anyway, Kirstie Alley ended up telling me to leave so I totally missed when Katie opened her present, which sucks because I know she was going to totally love it. Bitches.
Anyway, Lindsay, Maddy and I went to Nobu and ran into Cameron and Justin and totally had a blast. I met George Clooney and he is totally not circumsized.
Friday, March 24, 2006
Moonbeam and Red Bull
Ok, so Moonbeam reappeared late yesterday afternoon and said she wanted to "bond" by spending some time with me. I was getting ready to go out with Lindsay - we were totally going to check out this new club called Warp downtown. Anyway, Knute was crimping my hair, which I guess is back because the 80s are the new 70s or the new 60s. Or something. It's all very confusing, but anyway, Knute says crimping is back, so he was crimping away. Ok, so Moonbeam is ringing the bell right as we are finishing up and Lindsay let her in because Lindsay was downstairs trying to make this drink we had at Snowpea last week. I think it was like a grasshopper, only with tequila or something, I actually don't remember all that much because I'd been partying in the bathroom with some guy named Guy. I am not kidding, isn't that the funniest thing you've ever heard? A guy named Guy. It's like hilarious.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so Knute and I were finishing my retro-80s look with a giant bow in my hair and I guess Moonbeam started talking to Lindsay and L was telling her all about the diet we are on and going out and I have no idea how it happened, but Lindsay ended up inviting Moonbeam to go out clubbing with us. What? I was really pissed. Because Moonbeam is going to report directly to Mother and Daddy, so I can't have as much fun as normal. So Lindsay convinced her that she needed to have the whole Me Experience, so we dragged her upstairs, gave her some Red Bull and Grey Goose and a cat tranquilizer. Meanwhile, it turns out she actually does have a cute figure and she totally fit into my last year's Rodriguez graphic print wrap dress. Knute fired up the crimper again and took care of that mess on her head while L and I totally did her make-up. She was really cute, but she kept talking about vitamins and self-love, which I think sounds totally dirty. Anyway, she was hammered by the time we left the house and Knute drove is to Warp. I don't really remember a lot about it except that Moonbeam ( we renamed her Madison for last night because Moonbeam is too 60s. Or 70s.) was dancing on the bar and later she barfed in the men's room. Anyway, by the end of the evening, Madison was totally making out with some guy named Quentin who is a director or something I guess. He said he was only in town for another week or so working on a movie. Directors aren't as much fun as actors, but they can actually cast you, so you have to be nice to them and listen to their boring stories about "losing light" or whatever the hell they talk about, I usually just tune them out. Anyway, Madison was being very nice to him and in fact, they left together. I still haven't heard from her, so I'm thinking that Mother and Daddy won't get a report about last night. I just hope I get my dress back.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so Knute and I were finishing my retro-80s look with a giant bow in my hair and I guess Moonbeam started talking to Lindsay and L was telling her all about the diet we are on and going out and I have no idea how it happened, but Lindsay ended up inviting Moonbeam to go out clubbing with us. What? I was really pissed. Because Moonbeam is going to report directly to Mother and Daddy, so I can't have as much fun as normal. So Lindsay convinced her that she needed to have the whole Me Experience, so we dragged her upstairs, gave her some Red Bull and Grey Goose and a cat tranquilizer. Meanwhile, it turns out she actually does have a cute figure and she totally fit into my last year's Rodriguez graphic print wrap dress. Knute fired up the crimper again and took care of that mess on her head while L and I totally did her make-up. She was really cute, but she kept talking about vitamins and self-love, which I think sounds totally dirty. Anyway, she was hammered by the time we left the house and Knute drove is to Warp. I don't really remember a lot about it except that Moonbeam ( we renamed her Madison for last night because Moonbeam is too 60s. Or 70s.) was dancing on the bar and later she barfed in the men's room. Anyway, by the end of the evening, Madison was totally making out with some guy named Quentin who is a director or something I guess. He said he was only in town for another week or so working on a movie. Directors aren't as much fun as actors, but they can actually cast you, so you have to be nice to them and listen to their boring stories about "losing light" or whatever the hell they talk about, I usually just tune them out. Anyway, Madison was being very nice to him and in fact, they left together. I still haven't heard from her, so I'm thinking that Mother and Daddy won't get a report about last night. I just hope I get my dress back.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Whatever
Oh my god, I am so pissed at my parents. They came to visit like a week ago or something, but it was a weird visit and they totally acting all parental and everything. I didn't even see them that much because Lindsay and I were busy with going out and partying. So Monday, at the crack of 10:00AM, I totally do not get up that early, ok? My doorbell is ringing and Knute answers it and it is totally some LIFE COACH my parents hired to help me "get on track". Like this is gym class or something. Please! So, I throw on some yoga pants and my Versace hoodie and go down to meet her. Ok, first of all, her name is Moonbeam. Yes, Moonbeam Bragewitz. Ok, I don't even know where to go from there. She's wearing some kind of crazy housecoat or something. When Knute asked her about it, she said it's a caftan. All know is that it does nothing for her figure - not that she has one.
Ok, so she wanted to "interact" with me. So we sat down in back by the pool and she was asking me all kinds of questions about goals and dreams and plans - like, whatever. I just told her I'm trying to have a good time while the designers are still giving me free clothes. Like what is wrong with that? She totally didn't even have an answer besides some crap about self-esteem and my body being a temple or something. I'm pretty sure she's trying to turn me into a Jew or whatever - why else would she be talking about temple, right? Isn't that what they call church?
Needless to say, Knute is beside himself. When she finally left, we totally opened a bottle of Crystal and laughed until I almost barfed. The problem is that she's going to be all over me for however long my parents continue to pay her. I called them about it and Daddy said he was concerned about my ability to manage my trust, which I'm supposed to get when I turn 25. He said if I can't even keep a dog in my purse, how could I keep twenty-five million? Like, I totally thought it was more than that. Anyway, they want me to be more mature or whatever. WHATEVER!
Ok, so she wanted to "interact" with me. So we sat down in back by the pool and she was asking me all kinds of questions about goals and dreams and plans - like, whatever. I just told her I'm trying to have a good time while the designers are still giving me free clothes. Like what is wrong with that? She totally didn't even have an answer besides some crap about self-esteem and my body being a temple or something. I'm pretty sure she's trying to turn me into a Jew or whatever - why else would she be talking about temple, right? Isn't that what they call church?
Needless to say, Knute is beside himself. When she finally left, we totally opened a bottle of Crystal and laughed until I almost barfed. The problem is that she's going to be all over me for however long my parents continue to pay her. I called them about it and Daddy said he was concerned about my ability to manage my trust, which I'm supposed to get when I turn 25. He said if I can't even keep a dog in my purse, how could I keep twenty-five million? Like, I totally thought it was more than that. Anyway, they want me to be more mature or whatever. WHATEVER!
Friday, March 17, 2006
Smudge
So the Austin cops called me this morning at like 11:30 and totally woke me up. I guess they found Smudge, she's at some drug dealer's house or something. This it totally crappy because I already got another dog and there is no way two will fit in my dog purse. So I guess I'll have to get rid of Honky. Or maybe I'll find a new home for Smudge, she's like old and will probably die pretty soon anyway. Honky is brand new, and I think Smudge is like three or something. Why would I keep the worn out when I've got a brand new shiny one already? Just like my Blackberry!
I went to some afterparty last night for some premier, I totally slept through the movie, so I don't even know who was in it. But I pigged out at the party, like I think I ate a whole piece of pizza. Yuck. Lindsay was telling me about the champagne and cigarettes diet and how that totally worked for her. She got down to 87 pounds! That is awesome. I'm totally going on that diet right now. But I'm like a health-nut so I'm only smoking American Eagle cigarettes because I think they are organic or something. And I am all about taking care of myself.
I went to some afterparty last night for some premier, I totally slept through the movie, so I don't even know who was in it. But I pigged out at the party, like I think I ate a whole piece of pizza. Yuck. Lindsay was telling me about the champagne and cigarettes diet and how that totally worked for her. She got down to 87 pounds! That is awesome. I'm totally going on that diet right now. But I'm like a health-nut so I'm only smoking American Eagle cigarettes because I think they are organic or something. And I am all about taking care of myself.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
SXSW
So this week is like the big music and movie fest in Austin. All I have to say is "not enough swag bags." Please. Like I need a Taco Cabana coupon. I want Piaget or a new Sidekick. I swear, Austin can be so low rent. The good news is that there are parties galore but hardly any red carpets. Also good news, tons of new boys in town that I haven't slept with yet. Yet.
Last night, I went to some dildo movie, I kid you not. It was awesome, but there were a lot of women there and hardly any guys. I did meet this one guy, named Chris, I was totally making out with him after the question and answer thing and he was all, "Don't grab my crotch!" Plus, he was funny about his chest. Whatever, like I need a guy with hangups. He wasn't really tall enough for me, I mean he was practically my height and he wasn't muscular enough either. I mean, he pretty much was built like me. Nice flannel shirt, though. He was all into Melissa Etheridge and The L-Word on Showtime, you know how guys like watching girl action. Anyway, he was fun to make out with, even if he wouldn't come home with me. P.S. he had the softest lips and tiniest hands.
Last night, I went to some dildo movie, I kid you not. It was awesome, but there were a lot of women there and hardly any guys. I did meet this one guy, named Chris, I was totally making out with him after the question and answer thing and he was all, "Don't grab my crotch!" Plus, he was funny about his chest. Whatever, like I need a guy with hangups. He wasn't really tall enough for me, I mean he was practically my height and he wasn't muscular enough either. I mean, he pretty much was built like me. Nice flannel shirt, though. He was all into Melissa Etheridge and The L-Word on Showtime, you know how guys like watching girl action. Anyway, he was fun to make out with, even if he wouldn't come home with me. P.S. he had the softest lips and tiniest hands.
Friday, March 10, 2006
More on The Oscars
Ok, like I haven't been very good about blogging or whatever, I know losers who blog every day! Like they must have totally no life or something. So I got back into town on Thursday because, frankly, I was too plastered to fly on Tues when I should have left, but I was having so much fun. I don't want to name any names but I was totally making out with a famous actor named Steve and I couldn't tell you his last name because I totally can't spell it, but I think he's on The Sopranos. Anyway, he's on TV and has been in movies. He's not really cute, but he is famous, so who cares?
Ok, so I went to the Vanity Fair afterparty. Lame. Then I went to the HBO party - totally lame. Then I went to the New Line Cinema Party - who goes there? Nobody famous at all. Then I went back to VF and it was better, but still. Luckily, I was drinking Red Bull Flamethrowers during the ceremony - which was a total snore, by the way. I totally don't understand why everyone was freaking out at the end, but then again, I was doing coke in the bathroom with Dakota Fanning and Lalrry McMurtry, so I missed that part. Whatever. Anyway, I was tanked by the end, so I wasn't really paying attention.
Ok, where was I? Oh yeah, I stayed in LA with some friends until Thursday when I came back here - I totally had to prepare for the SXSW festival which starts sometime. Like next week or the next week. I don't really know, Knute is in charge of that. Speaking of Knute, he's back on the shit list. I'm pretty sure he had a party while I was gone. I can't prove it or anything, it's more of a feeling. Like sometimes I really think I'm psychic or something. Thank god for spellcheck! Anyway. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Knute and all his poofter friends, mucking up my hottub and drinking all the Grey Goose. Ok, I'm pretty sure they also ate all the wasabi almonds behind the bar - but there was an unopened one when I got back and I'm pretty sure I had opened the one that was there when I left. Also, Knute was acting all funny when he picked me up at the airport: "How was your trip? Did you meet anyone famous? What did you wear?" Like I can't see through that! Does he think he's fooling me?
Whatever. I'm pretty sure I'm going to fire him.
Ok, so I went to the Vanity Fair afterparty. Lame. Then I went to the HBO party - totally lame. Then I went to the New Line Cinema Party - who goes there? Nobody famous at all. Then I went back to VF and it was better, but still. Luckily, I was drinking Red Bull Flamethrowers during the ceremony - which was a total snore, by the way. I totally don't understand why everyone was freaking out at the end, but then again, I was doing coke in the bathroom with Dakota Fanning and Lalrry McMurtry, so I missed that part. Whatever. Anyway, I was tanked by the end, so I wasn't really paying attention.
Ok, where was I? Oh yeah, I stayed in LA with some friends until Thursday when I came back here - I totally had to prepare for the SXSW festival which starts sometime. Like next week or the next week. I don't really know, Knute is in charge of that. Speaking of Knute, he's back on the shit list. I'm pretty sure he had a party while I was gone. I can't prove it or anything, it's more of a feeling. Like sometimes I really think I'm psychic or something. Thank god for spellcheck! Anyway. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Knute and all his poofter friends, mucking up my hottub and drinking all the Grey Goose. Ok, I'm pretty sure they also ate all the wasabi almonds behind the bar - but there was an unopened one when I got back and I'm pretty sure I had opened the one that was there when I left. Also, Knute was acting all funny when he picked me up at the airport: "How was your trip? Did you meet anyone famous? What did you wear?" Like I can't see through that! Does he think he's fooling me?
Whatever. I'm pretty sure I'm going to fire him.
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