Whoa!

Ok, turns out Gus was NOT happy about me getting him a account at the food bank. I don't know why but he started talking about working hard for every damn cent he makes and he don't need no charity and how I am a idiot.

It was very upsetting.

I go, "Gus, it's a bank! For food." He just turned away from me. Now I'm scared he's really mad and he's a convict people.

Damn People!

I have been totally busy since the last time I wrote. Me and Mims went to Duran Duran and they were awesome. Turns out they aren't girls but totally old men, which was kinda weird but whatever! We had a blast. Harvey dropped us off at the VIP entrance but when the show was over there were all these yellow cabs outside and we had to walk like a block to find the Bentley. That was super boring. What is the point of the VIP entrance if it isn't also a VIP OUTRANCE?

So Yoli, my publicist, says that I need to "rehab" my reputation. Like we haven't tried THAT before. So anyway, she set up all these photo ops for me this week with homeless people (yuck), sick children (gross!), and like I don't even know what was wrong with some of those people, but it was nasty. I was helping to distribute food to some bank - I don't know why a bank needs food since they are all about money and should be able to buy their own food. Whoa! Now I'm confused big time.

I just called Yoli and she says the bank was a food bank. I'm like, "I should get Gus an account!" She says I can't but I'm pretty sure I can. I'm very persuasive.

Anyway, now I am totally tired and just lounging around The Compound. It's kind of cold and windy so we're going to have chili tonight! I can smell Gus making it downstairs. It smells awesome. I need to go down there and tell him I got him a account at the food bank, he'll be so happy!

Ugly Girls

So like I just got home from Mims and Thad's house. One of their kids had a birthday. I don't know which one. I just brought an envelope with a couple Benjamins in it. Everyone likes money, right? Even 4 year olds.

So Mims was all excited because some band she loves is coming to Austin, Duran something. She was like, "You wanna go?" And I was like, "I'm totally sure I have tickets to that lying around The Compound. I get tickets to everything." So I called Knute and was like, "You know that band, with the girls?" And he goes, "Bananarama? Vanity 6? Appollonia? Salt 'n' Peppa? Spice Girls? Cheetah Girls? Destiny's Child?" I was like, "Shut up! I don't even know what you are saying!" So he got all quiet and I go, "That band with the really ugly girls-" And he jumps in, "The Bangles? Seriously the only decent one was the lead singer and the others you'd have to put a bag over their heads-" I was like, "SHUT UP!" So he did. I think he's been drinking espresso again. I told him not to do that at night. He'll probably be up all night rearranging the furniture or changing his filing system or something. I won't get a wink of sleep. What the hell does that mean? I mean, when I sleep I close both eyes and a wink is only one eye, so how could you be asleep if you are winking? Some stuff really confuses me.

Ok, what was I talking about? Oh yea, so I go, "Knute. Focus. That band with the really ugly girls, it's called Duran something." And then I thought Knute sucked all the air out of my house. I was all, "Are you ok?" And he totally whispers, "Duran Duran?" I go, "Yes, dang those girls are ugly. Anyway, we have tickets for that, right?" And I hear him digging through his file cabinet and he comes back and goes, "Yes. Four." So I'm like, "Me and Mims are going so don't through them out or sell them on ebay or whatever it is you do with all those tickets I don't use." He goes, "That still leaves two. Can I take Raphael?" (He has a new boyfriend I guess.) So because I am all magnetic or whatever, I was like, "Whatever. But Harvey is NOT driving you. And you have to stay on the other side of the Music Hall. Kay?" He was totally ecstatic. I don't know why, I mean, those girls are ugly.

So boring

You know what's so boring? The red carpet. I know it looks all fabulous and whatever, but it is boring. The flashes from the paps' cameras make me want to have a seizure, everyone is screaming, "Turn around, Cupcake!" "Let me see the back of your dress!" "Come over here!!!" I know my fans all know that I don't do red carpet interviews anymore after that distaster as Cannes a couple of years ago. Look, I didn't know the french didn't like to be called "frogs." Seriously! I have a frog that lives near the water feature on the property and it is kind of cute, it might be more than one because in the summer, those fuckers are loud! What with the peacocks and the frog and that raccoon with the purse, it's like a zoo here! Or something.

Anyway, I was talking about last night. I looked fab of course. The party was surprisingly fun. Like I was expecting it to be terrible but I actually had a good time. I guess it's because my life is to totally boring that anything is good, even if you have to walk the red carpet.

My Kickass Copper Highlights

Erica is awesome, it's too bad she's so selfish. I mean seriously, she made me wait until tonight to finally do my highlights. By the time I walked into her little salony thing, I was totally livid. I mean, I just kept getting madder and madder all day long, but I was going to keep my mouth shut until after she did my hair and waxed my brows and then I was totally going to kick her ass. Well, I guess she's scrappier than I thought, even with a broken nose. Bitch can punch, that's all I'm saying. I thought I could take her, but it was bad. I started worrying when she was telling me about her boyfriend getting peppersprayed and she couldn't stop laughing. I was like, "Whoa!" I mean, it was hilarious, but that's the guy she's dating! I mean, I would at least try to pretend like I was bummed out or whatever. Then she got mad because I wouldn't let her put any stuff in my hair and she started acting like a nut and I started thinking maybe kicking her ass wasn't such a good idea. But anyway, the cops had to come AGAIN to separate us which was totally boring. But at least no one went to jail tonight. My highlights look awesome too! I have her a Christmas bonus after the cops left.

Erica Is In Trouble, You Guys

So like here's the deal. Saturday was sucky and I didn't want to write about it on here because I am like totally mature or whatever and I don't want to make Erica mad because we all know what she did last time she was mad at me. Anyway, she was going to do my highlights on Saturday, but she called me and told me she "broke her nose" and was "too dizzy" to do my hair. Like whatever. What could I say? I was furious. So like all day Sunday I totally expected her to call me and be like, "I'm so sorry, let me do your hair today." Did she call? No. I like didn't even hear from her until I texted her today and was like, "WTF?" Look, I am like super important and if I make a hair appointment, I expect to get my hair did. Nobody cancels on me. I don't care if you broke your spine or whatever. Just cut my effing hair. So anyway, now I have to go late tomorrow and I'm all like, "That is usually when I nap." So it's totally not convenient for me, but I've got a red carpet on Friday and I can't be picky. But as soon as she is done, I'm gonna kick her ass.

Dreams and whatever

Holy crap you guys! I had a terrible nightmare today. Can it be a nightmare if it's not at night? I mean, I was totally taking a nap so it was afternoon but like it was a bad dream! Maybe that's what I'll call it instead of a nightmare...or maybe a daymare? That sounds like a horse. It was icky, that's all I know. Anyway, I dreamed that every single one of my cashmere sweaters had holes in them. I pulled out my baby blue one - hole. My sky blue one - hole. Pale blue one - hole. My teal one, my blue-green one, my green-blue one, my peacock one. I mean, I could go on and on and on (I have a LOT of cashmere sweaters, it's my signature garment this winter). Anyway, I woke up all in a sweat and had to jump out of bed and run to the closet to see if it was true or not. It wasn't, but I'm thinking no more naps after a plate of Gus' nachos. I'm pretty sure nachos aren't Mediterranean, but whatever. It took forever to check all my sweaters. I know it's Katrinka's fault because she told me the other day that she had a weird dream about my sweaters but I was too bored to ask what the dream was about, so if she dreamed I had holes in all my sweaters, I will freak out.

I just walked over to the servant's wing to ask her about her dream but she's out with her boyfriend who's a total loser, by the way. I think he was in jail over the weekend because she asked to borrow $15,000 and I was all, "Whatever." I know she won't ever pay it back, but since Lupe died she's been way less crazy, so you know, whatever - no big deal. While I was over there, I asked Gus if Mediterranean nachos give you daymares and he just looked totally confused. What a idiot.