Holy crap you guys!

I can't believe I haven't written since like April. That is totes insane! Like what the hell have I been doing? I have no idea. I went back to rehab in May and I totally met this super awesome guy, you would know who he is, so I'll just call him Smacky since he was in rehab to kick heroin. I'm all about protecting people's identities because I am super fabulous like that.

Anyway, we've been hanging out a lot and I'm like all happy and not hardly bored at all. So after rehab, I went to Europe for awhile because Mother said I needed to get out of the spotlight for awhlie. I was all like, "Why?" But she made me go so I went to France or Spain or somewhere and that was so totally boring I thought I was going to kill myself. There is nothing to do in Europe at all.

So then I came home and awards season started so I was all over the red carpet and crap like that. That was super boring, but I like the free clothes so whatever.

Then me and Georgeyo Armani got in a big fight because he wanted the dress back from the SAG awards and I'm like, "I don't think so." And he was all, "But yes." and I was like, "Who talks like that?" And he goes, "It was a loner." And I was all, "It's not alone in my closet because it used to be two bedrooms before I converted it, so it has lots of company now." Then he goes, "What are you talking about?" And I was like, "I guess I made my point." So he goes, "I don't know what you are talking about but I need the dress back." So I was like, "No." So then I started getting letters from his lawyers about taking it to press so I just gave the damn dress back. It was like sad.

So I'm totally going to be better about writing on here. I don't think I will have to go back to rehab anytime soon since I am being really careful.

It is hard to find things to write about all the time

Seriously. It wears me out.

So since I wrote last, I went to see Aeon's band and that was super cute. I've been shopping a lot. Got my toes did. Had a brief, well-publicized relationship with a rapper (I won't go into that here since I know you all read about it in the tabs but trust me it was just for the exposure, and that guy was crazy! I'm done with relationships just to stay on TMZ). I wrecked the Maz, so I got a new one - there's the picture there. It's super cute. Then I found out about 2 surprise parties, so I'm like totally bored already with trying not to tell people about them. There is no way I'm going to be able to remember to keep my mouth shut. Not with how much I drink.

This weekend I'm already bored to death because it's supposed to rain and that means I can't lie by the pool so I have to be bored indoors. And pale. Not cute. And it's only Friday and I'm already this bored, that can't be good.

This Economy Thing is Real Boring

So the garbage sale was ok except that the paps came and were taking pics of everything. I stayed in the house because it was cold and I wasn't going to go outside with the wind and whatever. I felt real weird watching from the upstairs billiards room while strangers looked at my stuff. It was kind of icky.

Here's the thing: It's almost my birthday! Like two weeks or whatever and I haven't even planned a trip or a party or anything. Knute was telling me that last year's party is like way too expensive to have again this year, which is ok because all those people are like freeloaders and like why should I feed them and whatever? That's a picture Knute took last year right before the party started. So he said this year I should just have something called a "potluck" which sounds like weed so it should be fun! Knute says that poor people have potlucks, and I think that would be real cute. I kinda think I might have had a poor people party one time, but it's hard to keep all my parties straight. Especially since I'm usually drunk.

One thing that is coming up is Aeon's band is playing on Friday in Austin. I'm so stoked because I love me some Aeon and he's real good. I hope he sings Dick in a Box again because that song is hilarious.

Getting rid of stuff!

So Knute and DD cooked up some kind of plan to get rid of some stuff and make a little money too since Daddy has mostly cut me off. They are having a garbage sale, which kind of hurt my feelings because my garbage is still awesomer than most people's nice stuff. They've been taking all kinds of crap out of the cupboards and putting little stickers on them. I keep seeing stuff I totes forgot I had! Like OMG! But we haven't taken a trip or anything in ages and I haven't even bought any shoes in like forever, except the pair I bought this week and the ones I bought last weekend. Oh and there was those pairs that I got online, the point is that I've really cut back and that's boring as crap, for reals.

Knute told me tonight that I need to think about getting a job and I was all, "ummm...I don't think so." See, I don't like to work. So I'm really thinking I just need another endorsement deal, so I need to get Knute or DD to work the phones a little. I wish I could get a vodka company to sponsor me but DD is all like, "I think if you've been to rehab they won't higher you." I was like, "I'm already high enough, I don't need to be higher." Because me and Knute were hanging out all day by the fish pond and eating Xanax like candy. So then I Knute was like, "We need to figure out what your passion is! That's what Oprah says. If you find your passion then the money will follow." I go, "Um my life is like totes perfect! I sleep and shop and party. I don't want to do anything else! You just need to figure out a way for me to make money doing that." They don't seem very enthusiastic about it, but I'm sure they'll think of something. They are like totes smart. Maybe Xanax could sponsor me! I gotta go tell them to find the phone number for Xanax.

Do you know about this Facebook Thingy?

Everywhere I go I the paps are yelling at me: Cupcake, are you on Facebook?

I don't even know what that means! It sounds like it ought to be in the library, but Knute says its on the computer. I don't really know but I'm tired of people telling me they are going to Facebook me when I'm signing autographs, it totes sounds like a threat, you know?

So I called Daddy's assistant today to see what was up with the real estate because I keep hearing that real estate is super-cheap and Daddy needs to buy me a new beach house. So Vanessa said he was out of the country because of the Congressional subpoena. I was like, "What?" So she's like, "The Iraq stuff? The contracts?" I was like, "ok..." I had no idea what the fuck she was talking about. So she starts talking about nobid contracts, I don't know what a nobid is but it sounds bad, you guys. Vanessa said Daddy might be in trouble. I hope the Congressional doesn't read my bloggy thing...

Ok, I just called Vanessa and she said I shouldn't be bloggy about Daddy's business. Which was real super-bossy of her, but whatever. She thinks she's family because she and Daddy travel everywhere together but she's only a couple of years older than me, so I don't know why she thinks she's such hot shit.

I can't believe I didn't write for so long! This is awesome! Because I'm so super creative and whatever. All us artist types need like a creative outlet and stuff.

Wow, you guys! I've been all super busy and whatever!

So, I haven't been writing because there was the rehabs and then it was party season, then I went to Europe and I was having too much fun to bother, then it was awards season and I was all over the place: LA, Cannes, Sundance, SXSW (which is home, so I guess it's not really an excuse), and now I'm like so totes bored that I decided to start the bloggy thing again. Plus all my fans have been complaining so fucking much that I have to shut them up. Just a couple of words from me and they are like so happy, it's totes sad about their lives.

So, many of my fans will remember that I went through a phase where I had all white pets because color-coordinating your animals is totally awesome. So then I lost some, I can't remember which ones I lost, I know that I had a bat named Whitey who might have been a bird, it was all very confusing and there was a dog named Honky that got kidnapped. Anyway, I've been thinking about getting another dog, maybe one that's too big to lose or have dognapped. I want a Grate Dane, but Knute says it's too much like having a horse in the house and I have no idea how he would know what that's like, but anyway, since he and DeeDee now outnumber me in votes - which I totes don't get because I'm pretty sure I'm the one who signs their paychecks, or my accountant anyway - I hardly ever get my way anymore. It's real super-boring. Maybe that's another excuse why I haven't been writing. Plus it's just hard you guys! For reals.

Mostly I've been thinking about the economy, you guys. This is like really serious or something. Like I think Obama is totes right that stimulating the nation is the way to go, it's like a giant vibrator for the whole country, which is awesome! Daddy sold my castle in Belgym and my house in the Bahamas, but he swears when "the heat is off" he'll buy me new ones. I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty sure we have the air conditioner on at The Compound, so I'm getting a little impatient. He says that Uncle Dick might not be able to help him this time, which is crazy because Uncle Dick has been running the country for the last 8 years, so I don't know why he can't fix this, but anyway, it's like politics and I don't really have time for that because I am too busy being fabulous.

Thanksgiving sucks

I don't even know what Thanksgiving is supposed to be. Like I guess everyone needs a day to rest up before going shopping. I'm always ready to go shopping, so that's just a waste of time to me. Plus I don't even work, so I never need a day off. I did get Katrinka to get out my sweaters though since it's sort of cold right now.

So I went to go see Mims and Thad in Luxembourg a couple of weeks ago and then I went over to Belgium to visit my castle and Daddy SOLD IT. I was so pissed. I was like, "WTF?" When Daddy finally called me back, I was all, "there are strangers living in my castle!" And Daddy was all, "It's not your castle anymore." So then he started talking about how if I can't even be bothered to stay in rehab and take care of myself, then he was going to start selling my stuff. I was like, "I'll do outpatient!!!!" So he's not going to sell the apartment in NYC as long as I keep talking to some shrink. Like I really need this as we move into the holiday party season! Please! I just can't let Daddy sell anymore of my awesome houses! Luckily, The Compound is in my name, since Grandmamma left it to me personally. Although I was accidentally watching the VH1 the other day and I saw some crazy old man talking about how when he was in a coma his mother got his attorney's power to do something or something. I didn't really understand because I'd been drinking pomegranate martinis for three days and I was buzzed, I won't lie! But now I'm worried that if I party too hard, Daddy will get my attorney's power! I will have to be super-careful not to go into any comas! For reals!!!!