I can't even think of a title for this crap

So that's my new car. I'm so bummed out though that I can't even be excited about it. It's just another Maserati, so no biggie.

Daddy's lawyers yelled at me all day. I am like totally sick of it. I just took a panda tranquilizer and I'm hoping that will help. I have a "deposition" in a couple of weeks and now Daddy's lawyers are coming to Austin and they are going to yell at me in person and that just makes me bored. I don't know what a deposition is, but it sort of sounds like "deposit" so I'm hoping it will be some money!

PLUS I just found out that this weekend, the weekend I'm going to Luxembourg to see Mims and Thad, there's some crap with the clocks and we are supposed to reset our clocks and I'm going to lose a whole hour of time I could have been visiting with them. Thad says it's crap and all made up anyway and that not only that but I should stay in Luxembourg and not go back and that way I wouldn't have to deal with the stupid lawsuit anyway. So I am seriously considering it. I might just go to Bellgym and not come back. I have a castle there, you know, in Bellgym.

This might be "depression". I accidentally saw a ad for depression on the TV this one time - I don't think anyone would want it, so I don't know why they advert it like it's something you want -but there's a egg or a bubble or something and it's all sad and not bouncy at all, then it takes some drugs and it's bouncy and stuff. I think I need that. I had Gus make me a egg for dinner but I'm still depressioned. It wasn't like it was bouncy or anything. In fact, even a boiled egg doesn't bounce, so now I'm depressioned and confused.

GIANT SIGH

That's just another awesome pair of shoes I own.

So today, me and Knute were out and about car shopping because the other day I was thinking about the Maz and I realized that I'd owned it for like two years and that's my limit, so I was looking for a new car, but first I have to have something sparkly, and not like those shoes! So we were walking out of Bailey Banks and Biddle and there was a guy standing there looking all like peppy like my fans and stalkers all do. So he comes up to me and calls me by name, so I'm like sure he wants to take a picture and get a autograph, because he handed me something to sign, so I go, "yeah?" and he goes, "You've been served." Well, I totally hated that movie so I was all, "Ew! Why would you say that? I didn't even have a cameo in that piece of junk!" Well, I guess he was actually working for those effers at E! The Entertainment Network Lawyers because what he handed me was a LAWSUIT! So I'm sued because of that stupid live blogging crap. I am so mad!!! I was so mad I forgot to buy a new car!

So Knute was all reading it and making all these scary noises and I was going, "What? What? WHAT?" And he goes, "We better call Daddy." So here's the thing, I don't want to bother Daddy when I haven't even talked to him in forever, so I just called his lawyers and told them. They'll tell Daddy and can listen to all the yelling. Like I need that when I'm totally shopping for new car, please! The good thing is that now Knute has an excuse to buy a really fancy scanner. He's been wanting one for I don't know what -- and frankly I just thought about that for like a SECOND and I got a little creeped out and I think I don't want to know what he's scanning besides my lawsuit. ew.

All I know is that I'm going to Luxembourg this weekend to see Mims and Thad and I will be so glad to get away from everything.

Crap!!!! For reals, you guys!

Ok! Shit! Quit emailing me and texting me and calling me! That's what my shoes looked like at the Oscars! Ok? Now quit asking!

They are awesome, right?

So, get this, those effers said my drunk notes weren't the same as "live-blogging" so they are going to sue me for sure. For me it's about like principles or whatever. And I almost never have principles, so you know this is like HUGE. Like, they didn't tell me how they wanted me to live-blog. They didn't say, "We want you to live-blog during the show." This is like a no-brainer to me. Daddy's lawyers say I should just give the money back because "the entire concept of live-blogging is that is it done in real time." I was like, "Whoa!!! You just blew my mind!" What kind of time is there besides REAL time? Is there like FAKE time? JESUS CHRIST!!! I am freaking out!!!

Ok, I just went to ask Knute about time and he started into this thing he called something like that Australian Airline I will never fly ever again (long story!) and I don't know what Quantus Airlines has to do with time except this one time when I flew them my flight was late, I wonder if that's what he meant...Anyway, he said the Quantus Airlines Theory is that time and space is like a blanket or some crazy shit like that. I wasn't really listening. Because once Knute starts getting all excited with The Crazy Eyes going, I'm like, "There is no way I'm going to understand any of this." Plus I don't see how space could be a blanket because I've never seen a clear blanket and you can totally see through space all the way to stars and crap like that. Unless it's like a invisible blanket. That doesn't sound very warm, you know? How would you ever find it once you kicked it off the end the bed? I am always doing that and then Katrinka is like, "Why you leave your blanket on floor? Pick up!" I'm all, "I want you to feel useful!" Then she says a bunch of stuff in Whatever-Stan is it she speaks and I'm pretty sure it's cussing.

All this thinking is making my head hurt. I don't want to think about time being a invisible blanket and what do kangeroos have to do with time anyway? Maybe the invisible blanket has something to do with fake time, although Knute didn't say anything about fake time, so maybe I misunderstood something from the lawyers. Alls I know is that I'm gonna get sued. Wouldn't be the first time.

Or the last, probably!

Me and Scar are hanging out tomorrow night, so if you see us, buy me a drinky! I'm also looking for my signature drinky for the spring so give me some suggestions. I'd like something green but all green drinks are gross!!!

Oh! Except margaritas!!!

Like I'm gonna know what "live blogging" is!!!

Ok, so here's the deal, I have a blog. Everyone knows that, because it's one of the most read blogs on the internets. So when some folks were like, "Cupcake could live blog for the Oscars." I was like, "SCORE! I'm gonna write about it anyway, so I might as well make some green." My dress was green by the way, and GORGEOUS! Hellow! There's a sketch of it that the designer - who I'm not mentioning because I am furious at him - sent me. I looked awesome. Ok, so this morning, I'm sleeping off the parties when Yoli calls and is like, "You didn't live blog last night." I was all, "Jeez! I'm sleeping and plus I left my computer in Austin! I'll blog when I get home." Well, it turns out that "live blogging" means I was supposed to write during the show which just seems rude to me. So now they are going to sue me or else I have to return the money they already gave me! Whatever. I'm livid.

I did think to make some notes during the show, which is almost like live blogging, right? Here's what I found in my handbag this morning:

Seacrest is a a-hole

There's some deaf old man screaming at me on the red carpet. I'm like, "TURN UP YOUR HEARING AID, OLD MAN!" Turns out it was Regis!

Who the fuck does Miley Cyrus think she is?

No Vanity Fair after-party which sucks. I'm all texting Scar going, "remind me no VF party!"

Why is everyone wearing red?

Ooo! An open bar!

Evrryeone hates danidle Day Lewis, don';t venene act like you don't.

I athink i did jariver Bardemd thisone tme in speain tsis one time.

Damiela day lewis is aprick, he dont bathe yiou know, whas up wiht the browm shoese ?

skwi laLait ekshte ksk teriathisal

I don't understand most of that last stuff, but if I'm going to try to act like I was live-blogging, this is my arguement. Plus, all this stuff was just from the red carpet and the lobby. Just think how awesome it would have been if I'd stayed sober and actually live blogged!

What winter?

This is what it was supposed to be like this weekend, but it is literally like 80 degrees outside. Frankly, I'm ready for some winter and pretty soon it's gonna be spring and I will have missed out. Today me and Scarlett were hanging out. Seriously, there is nothing more embarassing than actually going OUT to see a movie and then having a clip for your next movie being shown. Not that I would know since I am not a actress (I am a celebritard), but Scar's movie was like featured and frankly, if I had my boobs strapped down like that, I would be totally embarassed. Edgar suggested I get some friends without substance abuse problems, and Scar still likes to party, but she hasn't been to rehab (yet!) so I guess that's what he means. I'm not really sure. Anyway, she was fun and we did some shopping and went to see some movie about old men and I was totally expecting it to be one of the Grumpy Old Men movies, but there was a lot of killing and scary parts. I was texting Knute during the scary scenes, so I wouldn't have to watch.

Omg, I just got totally bored by my own writing!! That never happens!

Valemtimes Day

Today was super-boring. I mean, how many roses do I really need? STOP SENDING ME FLOWERS! For reals.

So boring.

I started off this morning with my half-fat half-soy caramel latte with the sans sucre vanilla syrup and a plate of chocolates. Lunch was chocolates and a vodka tonic, in the afternoon I had three Vicodins, a bottle of Chardonney and a chocolate pie. For dinner, Gus made me tacos!!! So I didn't have only chocolate today because I was having poor people food. I love poor people food! Like the more I eat it the more I decide that I don't really like rich people food even though I'm totally rich. It totally doesn't make any sense! For reals! SO the thing about the chocolates was that they were really fancy and with like lavendar from France and whatever and now I have heartburn. So now I thinking that rich people food is no good for me and I am all about poor people food. I had some of my friends send me lists of poor people food and I have never even heard of most of it! Like wtf is "devilled ham"? It sounds scary!!! Also Vienna Sausages? This one time, me and Paris were in Vienna and we were just drunk the whole time so we didn't even eat at all, plus we were both on diets since it was right after Cannes and we ate like everyday anyway, Vienna was boring, so I'm pretty sure I don't want to eat their sausages. What's a "moon pie"? Sounds dirty. Does all poor people food sound dirty or scary? "Taco" doesn't sound dirty. Also corn dogs. Well, that does sound kind of dirty, now that I think about it. Especially since I call my friend Cootch "Dr. Cornhole" don't ask me why, it's a long story. But, trust me, it's dirty!

Now I'm thinking about tacos!

Dammit.

Are tacos poor people food? They must be since I love them so much. One of my stalkers left me this message on the myspace that had a bunch of pictures of Valemtimes thingies in it and right in the middle was a taco. I was like "!". That cracked me up. So then I started thinking about tacos. Now I'm hungry and I totally wasn't hungry earlier. In fact, earlier I gave Gus the night off so I am totally screwed. The kicker is that since I had the flew, I can't even taste anything so why am I hungry? It's not like if I had the World's Most Awesome Taco in front of me, I could actually enjoy it. Some days life is just not even worth living. Like after the wreck, the doctor was saying no high heels (yea, RIGHT) and now I can't taste anything so no more poor people food for me. I am so totally depressed. Good thing I'll all full of Vicodin so the booze is helping. Not that I can taste it or anything.

Now I'm just thinking about the World's Most Awesome Taco...