Sun Dried Tomatoes Make Me Furious

Ok, so here's the deal. On Tuesday, me, Yoli and Knute were out and about doing some stuff. We almost had a car wreck and died. Everyone's ok, but like now I'm thinking about stuff. And you know how I hate that. So turns out that for lunch that same day, we had Italian and I passed on a dish because it had sun dried tomatoes in it. Like why would you dry out a tomato? They are awesome. I can totally see drying a grape (raisin) or a plum (fig) but tomatoes are awesome on their own. So anyway, while the car was spinning around and I was sort of thinking we were going to die, I was going, "Fuck! I should have just told them to substitute fresh tomato and had what I wanted." Not that the gnocchi wasn't awesome, it was. But you guys all know how I love spinach - even after losing Lupe, I still do! So here's the thing, now I'm just thinking about how sun dried tomatoes could have ruined what little time I had left on the world, which really turned out ok, since we just totalled the Range Rover and now I can get a new car!

Also, why are dried grapes "raisins" and dried tomatoes are just "dried tomatoes"? I think they look sort of like a vadge, so you could call them that. "I'll have the polla florentine with vadge." Not that I would do that, since I hate sun dried tomatoes, but you could.

So the other thing I'm thinking about, which I hate, is the whole "What am I doing with my life thing?" (Besides buying a new car! Something awesome, but I don't know what.) Good thing Rhett is in town so I don't have to think for the next couple of weeks!

Boys

Ok, turns out food banks are all about canned goods, but I was thinking it was just where you put your cans to keep them safe. Not so much. Anyway, we got it all straightened out. Gus isn't mad anymore and Knute finally stopped laughing. He's so weird.

I heard from Rhett today. I thought he was still on tour, but it turns out he's home already for the holiday. I'm super excited, I mean, I don't bother getting excited about much of anything, but I really want to see him. He's awesome. We have all sorts of glamourous red carpet stuff to do for the next few weeks. It will be super boring.

WHAT A WEEKEND, PEOPLE

Ok, turns out a food bank is where poor people go to get charity. Not like a place for canned goods. Knute had to explain to me. Gus isn't mad anymore

Here's the thing, though, people. My friend Waff, he's super nice and whatever and he told me he was moving this weekend, which is awesome. USUALLY. I love to watch those big strapping guys come load up all your stuff in that giant truck and then they drive away and by the time you are done with vacation in Nice, your house is all unpacked. Love that.

Yea, well, that's not how Waff moved. First of all, I had never been to his old place, so I saw that first and it was like horrifying. I mean he had a gate and all, but once you got inside the gate, it was something called "apartments." Like whatever! We have a flat in London that is kind of like an apartment, but it's 4 stories! This was like 5 rooms. I kept walking around going, "Oh.My.God. Where's the bar? Where's the media room? Where's the library?" I was freaking out!!! Waff was like, "Shut up and help me carry this sofa to my truck." I was all, "What? I don't think so. I just had my nails done." I have no idea what he was thinking inviting me into a place like that. So anyway, I was thinking maybe his new place would be awesome, like on the lake or at least a golf course. No. It's in a neighborhood. There's no gate, no security guards, no nothing. He wanted me to go to someplace called Bed Bath and BeYawned, but I was scared to leave the Maz on the street! Hellow, I'm pretty sure those people were middle class. Daddy says you cannot trust the middle class. I'm not really sure who is middle class but I am terrified of them. So anyway, we went to that bed place because Waff wanted a shower curtain, I was all, "Isn't your shower glass-enclosed?" He was like, "No." I was like, "!" That means I'm speechless as I'm sure you remember.

Anyway, that store was just terrible. It was tiny, there were no personal shoppers and you had a push a cart around. It was almost like the grocery store, only worse. Then he wanted to go to The Target, which was crazy! It has groceries AND shower curtains. I was losing my mind. Finally I was like, "Waff, I gotta go, this is too bourgeois for me!" And I don't even know what that means!!!

Anyway, he suggested a burger and a beer, so that was fine, but now I'm thinking I'm going to have to rethink my whole friendship with him, I mean, if he's middle class and the middle class is the enemy, then I'm pretty sure Waff is my enemy. HOLY CRAP.

This is all very confusing. My head is spinning. I couldn't wait to get back to The Compound. Now I'm sitting in the Master Suite with Mr. Cat and I'm seriously freaking out, people.

Whoa!

Ok, turns out Gus was NOT happy about me getting him a account at the food bank. I don't know why but he started talking about working hard for every damn cent he makes and he don't need no charity and how I am a idiot.

It was very upsetting.

I go, "Gus, it's a bank! For food." He just turned away from me. Now I'm scared he's really mad and he's a convict people.

Damn People!

I have been totally busy since the last time I wrote. Me and Mims went to Duran Duran and they were awesome. Turns out they aren't girls but totally old men, which was kinda weird but whatever! We had a blast. Harvey dropped us off at the VIP entrance but when the show was over there were all these yellow cabs outside and we had to walk like a block to find the Bentley. That was super boring. What is the point of the VIP entrance if it isn't also a VIP OUTRANCE?

So Yoli, my publicist, says that I need to "rehab" my reputation. Like we haven't tried THAT before. So anyway, she set up all these photo ops for me this week with homeless people (yuck), sick children (gross!), and like I don't even know what was wrong with some of those people, but it was nasty. I was helping to distribute food to some bank - I don't know why a bank needs food since they are all about money and should be able to buy their own food. Whoa! Now I'm confused big time.

I just called Yoli and she says the bank was a food bank. I'm like, "I should get Gus an account!" She says I can't but I'm pretty sure I can. I'm very persuasive.

Anyway, now I am totally tired and just lounging around The Compound. It's kind of cold and windy so we're going to have chili tonight! I can smell Gus making it downstairs. It smells awesome. I need to go down there and tell him I got him a account at the food bank, he'll be so happy!

Ugly Girls

So like I just got home from Mims and Thad's house. One of their kids had a birthday. I don't know which one. I just brought an envelope with a couple Benjamins in it. Everyone likes money, right? Even 4 year olds.

So Mims was all excited because some band she loves is coming to Austin, Duran something. She was like, "You wanna go?" And I was like, "I'm totally sure I have tickets to that lying around The Compound. I get tickets to everything." So I called Knute and was like, "You know that band, with the girls?" And he goes, "Bananarama? Vanity 6? Appollonia? Salt 'n' Peppa? Spice Girls? Cheetah Girls? Destiny's Child?" I was like, "Shut up! I don't even know what you are saying!" So he got all quiet and I go, "That band with the really ugly girls-" And he jumps in, "The Bangles? Seriously the only decent one was the lead singer and the others you'd have to put a bag over their heads-" I was like, "SHUT UP!" So he did. I think he's been drinking espresso again. I told him not to do that at night. He'll probably be up all night rearranging the furniture or changing his filing system or something. I won't get a wink of sleep. What the hell does that mean? I mean, when I sleep I close both eyes and a wink is only one eye, so how could you be asleep if you are winking? Some stuff really confuses me.

Ok, what was I talking about? Oh yea, so I go, "Knute. Focus. That band with the really ugly girls, it's called Duran something." And then I thought Knute sucked all the air out of my house. I was all, "Are you ok?" And he totally whispers, "Duran Duran?" I go, "Yes, dang those girls are ugly. Anyway, we have tickets for that, right?" And I hear him digging through his file cabinet and he comes back and goes, "Yes. Four." So I'm like, "Me and Mims are going so don't through them out or sell them on ebay or whatever it is you do with all those tickets I don't use." He goes, "That still leaves two. Can I take Raphael?" (He has a new boyfriend I guess.) So because I am all magnetic or whatever, I was like, "Whatever. But Harvey is NOT driving you. And you have to stay on the other side of the Music Hall. Kay?" He was totally ecstatic. I don't know why, I mean, those girls are ugly.

So boring

You know what's so boring? The red carpet. I know it looks all fabulous and whatever, but it is boring. The flashes from the paps' cameras make me want to have a seizure, everyone is screaming, "Turn around, Cupcake!" "Let me see the back of your dress!" "Come over here!!!" I know my fans all know that I don't do red carpet interviews anymore after that distaster as Cannes a couple of years ago. Look, I didn't know the french didn't like to be called "frogs." Seriously! I have a frog that lives near the water feature on the property and it is kind of cute, it might be more than one because in the summer, those fuckers are loud! What with the peacocks and the frog and that raccoon with the purse, it's like a zoo here! Or something.

Anyway, I was talking about last night. I looked fab of course. The party was surprisingly fun. Like I was expecting it to be terrible but I actually had a good time. I guess it's because my life is to totally boring that anything is good, even if you have to walk the red carpet.