Crap!!!! For reals, you guys!

Ok! Shit! Quit emailing me and texting me and calling me! That's what my shoes looked like at the Oscars! Ok? Now quit asking!

They are awesome, right?

So, get this, those effers said my drunk notes weren't the same as "live-blogging" so they are going to sue me for sure. For me it's about like principles or whatever. And I almost never have principles, so you know this is like HUGE. Like, they didn't tell me how they wanted me to live-blog. They didn't say, "We want you to live-blog during the show." This is like a no-brainer to me. Daddy's lawyers say I should just give the money back because "the entire concept of live-blogging is that is it done in real time." I was like, "Whoa!!! You just blew my mind!" What kind of time is there besides REAL time? Is there like FAKE time? JESUS CHRIST!!! I am freaking out!!!

Ok, I just went to ask Knute about time and he started into this thing he called something like that Australian Airline I will never fly ever again (long story!) and I don't know what Quantus Airlines has to do with time except this one time when I flew them my flight was late, I wonder if that's what he meant...Anyway, he said the Quantus Airlines Theory is that time and space is like a blanket or some crazy shit like that. I wasn't really listening. Because once Knute starts getting all excited with The Crazy Eyes going, I'm like, "There is no way I'm going to understand any of this." Plus I don't see how space could be a blanket because I've never seen a clear blanket and you can totally see through space all the way to stars and crap like that. Unless it's like a invisible blanket. That doesn't sound very warm, you know? How would you ever find it once you kicked it off the end the bed? I am always doing that and then Katrinka is like, "Why you leave your blanket on floor? Pick up!" I'm all, "I want you to feel useful!" Then she says a bunch of stuff in Whatever-Stan is it she speaks and I'm pretty sure it's cussing.

All this thinking is making my head hurt. I don't want to think about time being a invisible blanket and what do kangeroos have to do with time anyway? Maybe the invisible blanket has something to do with fake time, although Knute didn't say anything about fake time, so maybe I misunderstood something from the lawyers. Alls I know is that I'm gonna get sued. Wouldn't be the first time.

Or the last, probably!

Me and Scar are hanging out tomorrow night, so if you see us, buy me a drinky! I'm also looking for my signature drinky for the spring so give me some suggestions. I'd like something green but all green drinks are gross!!!

Oh! Except margaritas!!!

Like I'm gonna know what "live blogging" is!!!

Ok, so here's the deal, I have a blog. Everyone knows that, because it's one of the most read blogs on the internets. So when some folks were like, "Cupcake could live blog for the Oscars." I was like, "SCORE! I'm gonna write about it anyway, so I might as well make some green." My dress was green by the way, and GORGEOUS! Hellow! There's a sketch of it that the designer - who I'm not mentioning because I am furious at him - sent me. I looked awesome. Ok, so this morning, I'm sleeping off the parties when Yoli calls and is like, "You didn't live blog last night." I was all, "Jeez! I'm sleeping and plus I left my computer in Austin! I'll blog when I get home." Well, it turns out that "live blogging" means I was supposed to write during the show which just seems rude to me. So now they are going to sue me or else I have to return the money they already gave me! Whatever. I'm livid.

I did think to make some notes during the show, which is almost like live blogging, right? Here's what I found in my handbag this morning:

Seacrest is a a-hole

There's some deaf old man screaming at me on the red carpet. I'm like, "TURN UP YOUR HEARING AID, OLD MAN!" Turns out it was Regis!

Who the fuck does Miley Cyrus think she is?

No Vanity Fair after-party which sucks. I'm all texting Scar going, "remind me no VF party!"

Why is everyone wearing red?

Ooo! An open bar!

Evrryeone hates danidle Day Lewis, don';t venene act like you don't.

I athink i did jariver Bardemd thisone tme in speain tsis one time.

Damiela day lewis is aprick, he dont bathe yiou know, whas up wiht the browm shoese ?

skwi laLait ekshte ksk teriathisal

I don't understand most of that last stuff, but if I'm going to try to act like I was live-blogging, this is my arguement. Plus, all this stuff was just from the red carpet and the lobby. Just think how awesome it would have been if I'd stayed sober and actually live blogged!

What winter?

This is what it was supposed to be like this weekend, but it is literally like 80 degrees outside. Frankly, I'm ready for some winter and pretty soon it's gonna be spring and I will have missed out. Today me and Scarlett were hanging out. Seriously, there is nothing more embarassing than actually going OUT to see a movie and then having a clip for your next movie being shown. Not that I would know since I am not a actress (I am a celebritard), but Scar's movie was like featured and frankly, if I had my boobs strapped down like that, I would be totally embarassed. Edgar suggested I get some friends without substance abuse problems, and Scar still likes to party, but she hasn't been to rehab (yet!) so I guess that's what he means. I'm not really sure. Anyway, she was fun and we did some shopping and went to see some movie about old men and I was totally expecting it to be one of the Grumpy Old Men movies, but there was a lot of killing and scary parts. I was texting Knute during the scary scenes, so I wouldn't have to watch.

Omg, I just got totally bored by my own writing!! That never happens!

Valemtimes Day

Today was super-boring. I mean, how many roses do I really need? STOP SENDING ME FLOWERS! For reals.

So boring.

I started off this morning with my half-fat half-soy caramel latte with the sans sucre vanilla syrup and a plate of chocolates. Lunch was chocolates and a vodka tonic, in the afternoon I had three Vicodins, a bottle of Chardonney and a chocolate pie. For dinner, Gus made me tacos!!! So I didn't have only chocolate today because I was having poor people food. I love poor people food! Like the more I eat it the more I decide that I don't really like rich people food even though I'm totally rich. It totally doesn't make any sense! For reals! SO the thing about the chocolates was that they were really fancy and with like lavendar from France and whatever and now I have heartburn. So now I thinking that rich people food is no good for me and I am all about poor people food. I had some of my friends send me lists of poor people food and I have never even heard of most of it! Like wtf is "devilled ham"? It sounds scary!!! Also Vienna Sausages? This one time, me and Paris were in Vienna and we were just drunk the whole time so we didn't even eat at all, plus we were both on diets since it was right after Cannes and we ate like everyday anyway, Vienna was boring, so I'm pretty sure I don't want to eat their sausages. What's a "moon pie"? Sounds dirty. Does all poor people food sound dirty or scary? "Taco" doesn't sound dirty. Also corn dogs. Well, that does sound kind of dirty, now that I think about it. Especially since I call my friend Cootch "Dr. Cornhole" don't ask me why, it's a long story. But, trust me, it's dirty!

Now I'm thinking about tacos!

Dammit.

Are tacos poor people food? They must be since I love them so much. One of my stalkers left me this message on the myspace that had a bunch of pictures of Valemtimes thingies in it and right in the middle was a taco. I was like "!". That cracked me up. So then I started thinking about tacos. Now I'm hungry and I totally wasn't hungry earlier. In fact, earlier I gave Gus the night off so I am totally screwed. The kicker is that since I had the flew, I can't even taste anything so why am I hungry? It's not like if I had the World's Most Awesome Taco in front of me, I could actually enjoy it. Some days life is just not even worth living. Like after the wreck, the doctor was saying no high heels (yea, RIGHT) and now I can't taste anything so no more poor people food for me. I am so totally depressed. Good thing I'll all full of Vicodin so the booze is helping. Not that I can taste it or anything.

Now I'm just thinking about the World's Most Awesome Taco...

I swear!

So here's the thing. When me and my friend (who will remain nameless) were in that car wreck, we went to the hospital and I guess there were some sick people there or whatever and now I've got something called "The Flew." Alls I can say is I don't feel like flying nowhere. All I'm doing is sleeping, coughing and sleeping some more. It is super boring. I feel like I've been hit by a car and since I've actually been hit by a car, I feel uniquely qualified to say that!!! Anyway, Knute's been making me soup and tea and making me take drugs, not like Sam Lufti is making Brit take drugs - I'm pretty sure these are for the flew, anyway he's taking good care of me and that is sort of super boring. I spent like an hour trying to track down Mother and I finally found her in Fiji with her beauty advisor, Sven, and I was like, "Mother, I'm sick. I have the flew." And she was like, "Darling, I was getting a massage. Can I call you later?" I was like, "Mother, I feel really bad. Can you just act like you care for like 5 minutes?" And she was like, "No, darling. I need to get back to my massuer." So like I just curled up in the bed and went back to sleep. So I feel a little better today which is like, 'yay!'. Because feeling like a car wreck after an ACTUAL car wreck is like totally no fun. It's like twice as bad or whatever, I don't really do math.

Eff! Eff! EFF!

This is where I will probably be all weekend because I was totally going to go to Luxembourg to see Mims and Thad but Daddy had the plane in Dubai and so I was actually going to have to fly commercial which I'm sure you all remember what happened LAST time I flew commercial and so I totally said I wasn't going to ever do that again. But I totally wanted to go, so I was like, "Whatever." I didn't want to do it but life is full of stuff you don't want to do, but you have to do it anyway. Unless you can get someone else to do it for you, like a PA or whatever.

ANYWAY, I was actually at the airport, waiting, and this pregnant lady came and sat down next to me which is always a bad way to start off anything because those people always want something like a autograph for their niece who's dying or whatever. So I was like all up on my guard but she was ok, she just pulled out a magazine and started reading it. It was like OK! or People or whatever and she got to the page with a picture of me (OF COURSE) and she read it and then looks at me. Looks at the magazine. Looks at me. I start sliding down in my seat and wishing my sunglasses were bigger because I just knew she was going to want to take my picture or talk to me or whatever. But she just keeps looking at the magazine then looking at me. Finally, I was about to crawl out of my skin, she goes, "You should have stayed in rehab." This is how I go when I am all speechless "!". I didn't even know what to say because I was so totally shocked. Like who does stuff like that??? Anyway, I was like, "Who are you to talk? That baby you're about to have might have problems, you know?" Well, it actually turns out she wasn't pregnant, she was just fat and man! was she pissed off! Which is NOT good for the baby. So anyway, by the time the cops finished with us, the plane to go was gone so I had to call Harvey and tell him to come back and get me. So I'm NOT going to Luxembourg. Good thing she didn't go into labor because that would not have been cute!