Rules about underpants

Gus says it's not "appropriate" for me to sit around in the house in my underwear. Like for instants, right now, I'm sitting in the media room in a T-shirt and my underpants. I don't understand what the problem is. He made me leave the kitchen where I was sitting on one of the barstools, drinking coffee and talking to him about last night.

OH! I just had an awesome comeback come to me. I just now went back into the kitchen and I go, "I bet it's ok with you when I sign your paychecks in my underpants." He just looked at me and goes, "Don't even talk like that, you don't sign nothing." GAWD that pissed me off. Because he's right, of course, I don't sign his checks. It's a computer in New York or somewhere.

So anyway, he made me a egg because I woke up starving because I forgot to eat dinner last night. Which reminds me, you know what's gross? Drinking a beer, then chewing gum and then coming home to The Compound and drinking milk. I can't recommend that because it was nasty. Which is weird because beer is good, gum is awesome and milk is good too. You would think it wouldn't be gross together but it seriously is. So I forgot to have dinner last night and I woke up with a headache and now Gus is being weird but my egg was awesome.

I went out with one of my favorite fans last night. He's really funny and good-looking, so at least that part was fun. The only thing wrong with him is that he's super-smart, even smarter than me. Most of the time I have no clue what he's talking about so I try to look smart and really thoughtful. Last night, I was totally thinking how awesome my black patent leather peeptoe pumps are and then I realized he asked me something I needed to answer and that was a little awkward. Luckily, he spent most of the night staring at my boobs, so it all worked out!

Can you really have too many gays?

I think all my fans and friends know how much the gays love me and I am all super-gay-friendly, but seriously yesterday was a little too gay, even for me. I had an interview over lunch with a semi-famous gossip-blogger that I know you all know. He's hilarious and I totes love him. Sometimes, when I'm mad at someone I like to call him and give him tips. The best thing about him, besides being hilarious, is that he tells everything! I mean everything, stuff he doesn't even publish! I love to hear who all's going to rehab and making plea-bargains and crap like that. He's the bomb.

Then I had dinner with three of my favorite gays at the cutest place but there was a lot of "Oh LAWD"ing going on. Also "HOKAYS". I had a very cute drink that might be my new signature beverage for the spring: Pomegranate Cosmo. Awesome! Anyway, I was on my way back to The Compound and I was thinking about how you can actually have too many gays and how the only person there who was talking about stuff I would want to write about is actually a straight girl and she told me I can't write about her because it would cause "too many problems" for her and I know lawsuit-speak when I hear it. So I'm not going to write about what a whore she used to be. That's too bad, too, because it's some good crap. Maybe I'll just call my gossip friend and tell him although he won't care because she's not even famous.

What was I talking about? Oh yea, all the gays. There were gays at the next table who were DYING that we were there and taking our pictures and falling all over themselves. That was boring. Early on, there was a table of two gays and a ugly woman and they weren't even trying to pretend they weren't DYING we were there and they were just staring at us and listening to every stupid thing we were saying. That was super-boring. Then at some point in the dinner, I guess the birthday boy was mad that his presents weren't better because he took out his phone and started reading his texts. That was the most boringest thing I have ever had to listen to in my whole entire life. At first we were all being polite and pretending to care, but then after like 20 minutes I started going, "This game is boring. Let's play a new game." Even Squirrel was agreeing with me and he has to be nice! But the birthday boy just kept on, so I started telling a story to Squirrel and Squirrel's friend and then it got super-ugly because Phone-Boy got mad that we weren't paying attention to him and there was some slapping between me and him and maybe some sparkling wine might have gotten thrown. I'm pretty sure there were some pictures taken and not by his cell phone so I'm just waiting for a call from Daddy's lawyers. They totes told me to keep a low profile while the suit over the Oscar-blogging is going on and I've been seriously trying, but it is hard, you guys! Especially when someone is pouting!

Then I got back to The Compound and Knute was pouting because I didn't take him along but Edgar says I need to establish some boundaries with him which is going to be hard since he does all my waxing.

Wait, what? Part 2

Holy crap, that ugly girl is back on the TV. I think that might be all that's on. Ever. I don't know why that ugly girl is wearing a scarf on her head all the time. I haven't seen that on the runways or in any of the trend reports, so I'm definitely not going to bother buying any scarfs. Plus that girl is totes wearing a girdle and there is no way I'm wearing a girdle. I mean, it's not like I need one, I don't think.

I just checked with Knute and he says I definitely don't need a girdle. So that's good news. He said that ugly girl is a guy but I know he's just making that up to confuse me. There is no way a guy would go on the TV wearing that much make-up. Unless he was a girl. So I think he's definitely a girl. And a lesbertarian girl too.

Some of my fans have been sending me messages wondering about Mr. Cat. He's fine. Right now he's sitting in a box that Prada sent me some shoes in. I don't know why he likes to sit in boxes so much but he's totes into that. Last night I think he slept in the box. Maybe I need to try sitting in a box because Mr. Cat seems real peaceful all the time. Mostly he sleeps and that is super-peaceful.

I just went and told Knute I wanted a box to sit in. He was organizing all our receipts to give my tax person and he just looked at me like I was crazy or something. I'm like, "I want to be peaceful like Mr. Cat." So Knute goes, "What are you talking about?" I was all, "He just sits in that Prada box and it's like awesome. I need to sit in a Prada box." So Knute just sat there for a minute, it got kind of awkward with him just staring at me and me going like, "What?" He just shook his head at me and goes, "I don't even know what to say." So then I was like all reminding him about my total quest for inner peace. Or inner piece. I'm not really sure. I was like, "Remember my life coach?" And Knute goes, "Which one?" So I go, "Remember my fung shway dude?" and Knute goes, "That was a disaster." "Well, yea, but I was like into it until he totally rearranged my whole house!!!" Anyway, we totes ended up fighting and that was not helping my inner piece. So I just went back to the master suite and sat on the floor with Mr. Cat and tried to be cool.

My life is seriously hard you guys!

Wait, what?

Oh. My. God.

So last year, I accidentally was watching TV and I found a show about this super ugly girl who was living in a house with a bunch of whores and strippers and it was totes confusing because I guess they were all lesbertarians because they were always making out and getting drunk and fighting. It made me feel icky. Well, I was accidentally watching TV tonight and that ugly girl is back with a whole different bunch of whores who are wearing swimsuits are bras or something and nothing else. These whores are more drunker and more stupider than the other ones. I think it's new whores, but it could all be the same ones, maybe it's just reruns. TV is super-confusing sometimes. That girl, Bret, wouldn't be quite so ugly if she didn't wear so much make-up. I am all about being natural.

I've pretty much decided to get another nosejob. I mean, I'm so bored I got to do something. Knute tells me to just wait because Washington with Rhett is coming up quick and soon I won't be so bored, but I'm just not sure. He says I gotta wait until after the trip because they won't let me fly with a nosejob, which is crazy because everytime I fly I fly with a nosejob!!! Actually TWO! Sometime I think Knute just makes stuff up to confuse me.

Could My Life Be More Boring?

So I was just rereading my last post and like I was all, 'What?" I hardly remember any of that! Me and Scar aren't fighting anymore, we went shoe shopping on Saturday, so of course we're ok.

My deposition went fine since I couldn't even remember anything! I was all, "I dunno!" to almost every question! That's so hilarious.

My new stalker is totally boring.

My friend Jenn got a herself a friend she's calling Waff which totally enrages me because I had a Waff way before she did and I don't know why everyone has to try to be exactly like me! It's so boring! Meanwhile my "friend" Waff is texting me and calling me "old" and "poopypants" and some crazy stuff like that. I have no idea what the hell is going on with him. Maybe he's gone crazy. Or he's smoking something. Or both.

My friend TS (notice how I didn't put "friend" in "quotation marks" like I did with "Waff") as totally disappeared. Like that movie where the guy gets sucked up by a alien ship! Maybe that was a Simpsons episode, I don't remember. Anyway, if you see TS, tell him I said to drop a celebritard a line, kay?

What else?

Rhett's got a birthday coming up. Something fabulous, I'm sure, I'll let you know.

Other than that my life is totally boring! Totes.

Am I Done Blowing Your Mind? Not Even!

So me and Rhett are going to Washington DC in April. Don't ask me why. I mean, I was looking on the interweb and it looks totes boring. But he's going to be there with that little show he does and I am all about being supportive or whatev and plus I have some fabulous new Jimmy Choos I want to wear and since Austin is such a hippy town, I hardly ever get the chance to dress like a real person. What was I talking about? Oh yea, Washington. Rhett was like, What are we gonna do there? And I was all, "Drink and be fabulous. I bet they have shopping and crap like that there." Mostly it looks like a bunch of super-boring things like museums and graves and crap like that. Knute says I should get some culture, and I am all about culture so what the hell? But I am not going to go to any museums or crap like that, that's not how you get culture! I have a black friend and she was telling me about going to eat something called "sole food" I was like, "Sure!" Then she was like, "I wouldn't send you there because it's in the getto." Well, I don't know what a getto is but as you all know, I am all about food. So I made her tell me where it is and me and Rhett are going to go. I also need to look for a place to get good cupcakes because me and Rhett always have a hilarious time eating cupcakes in various metropolitan areas.

So I'm back in Austin, I guess I said that. It's so boring this time of year because it will be like 80F one day and then zero the next! It was like 92 yesterday and tonight it's raining and totes cold. Like how am I supposed to commit to a wardrobe? I should have stayed in Bellgym.

I guess me and Scar are fighting too. I didn't even know it until today when she texted me. I wish people would just tell me so I can at least participate, for reals! I've got to do my dumb deposition later this week - so boring!

AND I have a new stalker. That is way boring, he's obsessed with me. SIGH.

Mind Blowing Awesomeness

It's true. That's what I am. Or have or whatever. Mind Blowing Awesomeness. I was just solving all of Rhett's problems just now via the chat thingy on here and I was like telling him to get all Zing and whatever and then he wasn't answering me for awhile and I was like "Did I blow your mind?" and he goes, "you always do" and that's when the phrase Mind Blowing Awesomeness came to me. Because I am all about inspiration or whatever. That's why I write this bloggy thing because of my MBA (Mind Blowing Awesomeness). I should rename my bloggy thing. But since I had to get copy rights on it, I guess I can't.

So all of the out-of-town dirty hippies have left Austin, so I'm headed back home. Plus I'm supposed to do that deposition or whatever, so I guess I have to get back. So boring. I was sort of hoping if I just went to Bellgym and pretended it was ok, it would just go away, but it didn't. Usually, I find if I just ignore stuff, it goes away. But I guess that doesn't work for lawsuits.

Does anyone know what my friend TS means about Bellgym sprouts? Sometimes I get furious when people say stuff to me and I don't understand it. Like then I just start thinking about it and when I can't figure it out I just get totally livid. Like I hate that. So thinking is not my thing, mostly. But that makes no sense, since I am so super-smart. I guess my thing is this: I am super-smart but don't want to have to think about stuff. It's part of my MBA. Totes.