So this week is like the big music and movie fest in Austin. All I have to say is "not enough swag bags." Please. Like I need a Taco Cabana coupon. I want Piaget or a new Sidekick. I swear, Austin can be so low rent. The good news is that there are parties galore but hardly any red carpets. Also good news, tons of new boys in town that I haven't slept with yet. Yet.
Last night, I went to some dildo movie, I kid you not. It was awesome, but there were a lot of women there and hardly any guys. I did meet this one guy, named Chris, I was totally making out with him after the question and answer thing and he was all, "Don't grab my crotch!" Plus, he was funny about his chest. Whatever, like I need a guy with hangups. He wasn't really tall enough for me, I mean he was practically my height and he wasn't muscular enough either. I mean, he pretty much was built like me. Nice flannel shirt, though. He was all into Melissa Etheridge and The L-Word on Showtime, you know how guys like watching girl action. Anyway, he was fun to make out with, even if he wouldn't come home with me. P.S. he had the softest lips and tiniest hands.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Friday, March 10, 2006
More on The Oscars
Ok, like I haven't been very good about blogging or whatever, I know losers who blog every day! Like they must have totally no life or something. So I got back into town on Thursday because, frankly, I was too plastered to fly on Tues when I should have left, but I was having so much fun. I don't want to name any names but I was totally making out with a famous actor named Steve and I couldn't tell you his last name because I totally can't spell it, but I think he's on The Sopranos. Anyway, he's on TV and has been in movies. He's not really cute, but he is famous, so who cares?
Ok, so I went to the Vanity Fair afterparty. Lame. Then I went to the HBO party - totally lame. Then I went to the New Line Cinema Party - who goes there? Nobody famous at all. Then I went back to VF and it was better, but still. Luckily, I was drinking Red Bull Flamethrowers during the ceremony - which was a total snore, by the way. I totally don't understand why everyone was freaking out at the end, but then again, I was doing coke in the bathroom with Dakota Fanning and Lalrry McMurtry, so I missed that part. Whatever. Anyway, I was tanked by the end, so I wasn't really paying attention.
Ok, where was I? Oh yeah, I stayed in LA with some friends until Thursday when I came back here - I totally had to prepare for the SXSW festival which starts sometime. Like next week or the next week. I don't really know, Knute is in charge of that. Speaking of Knute, he's back on the shit list. I'm pretty sure he had a party while I was gone. I can't prove it or anything, it's more of a feeling. Like sometimes I really think I'm psychic or something. Thank god for spellcheck! Anyway. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Knute and all his poofter friends, mucking up my hottub and drinking all the Grey Goose. Ok, I'm pretty sure they also ate all the wasabi almonds behind the bar - but there was an unopened one when I got back and I'm pretty sure I had opened the one that was there when I left. Also, Knute was acting all funny when he picked me up at the airport: "How was your trip? Did you meet anyone famous? What did you wear?" Like I can't see through that! Does he think he's fooling me?
Whatever. I'm pretty sure I'm going to fire him.
Ok, so I went to the Vanity Fair afterparty. Lame. Then I went to the HBO party - totally lame. Then I went to the New Line Cinema Party - who goes there? Nobody famous at all. Then I went back to VF and it was better, but still. Luckily, I was drinking Red Bull Flamethrowers during the ceremony - which was a total snore, by the way. I totally don't understand why everyone was freaking out at the end, but then again, I was doing coke in the bathroom with Dakota Fanning and Lalrry McMurtry, so I missed that part. Whatever. Anyway, I was tanked by the end, so I wasn't really paying attention.
Ok, where was I? Oh yeah, I stayed in LA with some friends until Thursday when I came back here - I totally had to prepare for the SXSW festival which starts sometime. Like next week or the next week. I don't really know, Knute is in charge of that. Speaking of Knute, he's back on the shit list. I'm pretty sure he had a party while I was gone. I can't prove it or anything, it's more of a feeling. Like sometimes I really think I'm psychic or something. Thank god for spellcheck! Anyway. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Knute and all his poofter friends, mucking up my hottub and drinking all the Grey Goose. Ok, I'm pretty sure they also ate all the wasabi almonds behind the bar - but there was an unopened one when I got back and I'm pretty sure I had opened the one that was there when I left. Also, Knute was acting all funny when he picked me up at the airport: "How was your trip? Did you meet anyone famous? What did you wear?" Like I can't see through that! Does he think he's fooling me?
Whatever. I'm pretty sure I'm going to fire him.
Monday, March 6, 2006
Oscar
Wow, I haven't written in so long! Last time I blogged, Bob and Dan were coming to prepare for Mother and Daddy's visit. They totally wanted me to start using my alarm - as if I'm going to give Katrinka my code! Knute has it - oh my god, I just totally noticed both their names start wtih Ks. How weird is that? I'm all like, "spooky!" Maybe I should fire my gardener.
The last time I actually used my alarm was when Paris and Nicole were still speaking - like how long ago was that? Anyway, the three of us had been out at a totally hot club called Wingtip and we were drinking these shots called Shoe Polish, don't even ask me because I was all like, "I'll drink whatever you put in front of me!" Anyway, I met up with one of the Masterson brothers, I totally don't even know to this day which one - whatever. Anyway, I left with him and Paris and Nicole were going to go back to my house and I know I wrote down the code right, but they were totally wrecked and couldn't figure it out. Anyway the cops came and Nicole had climbed up the trellis and was stuck. So they had to get the fire department to come and bring the ladder truck, but then she thought it would be funny swing the rose vines or whatever at the fireman and he got cut pretty bad. So anyway, the city sent me the bill and I was all like, "No way!"
Anyway, there were protesters outside the gates to my house. Like, don't they have anything better to do? They were chanting and carrying on like it really matters. Nobody cares about civil rights! As if. Mother and Daddy were only here one night and I totally had Katrinka clean everything, so that was a waste, plus I threw out all my coke and that was mistake. What was I thinking?Now I just have to buy more.
Oh yeah, I went to LA to go to the Oscars. That was ok.
The last time I actually used my alarm was when Paris and Nicole were still speaking - like how long ago was that? Anyway, the three of us had been out at a totally hot club called Wingtip and we were drinking these shots called Shoe Polish, don't even ask me because I was all like, "I'll drink whatever you put in front of me!" Anyway, I met up with one of the Masterson brothers, I totally don't even know to this day which one - whatever. Anyway, I left with him and Paris and Nicole were going to go back to my house and I know I wrote down the code right, but they were totally wrecked and couldn't figure it out. Anyway the cops came and Nicole had climbed up the trellis and was stuck. So they had to get the fire department to come and bring the ladder truck, but then she thought it would be funny swing the rose vines or whatever at the fireman and he got cut pretty bad. So anyway, the city sent me the bill and I was all like, "No way!"
Anyway, there were protesters outside the gates to my house. Like, don't they have anything better to do? They were chanting and carrying on like it really matters. Nobody cares about civil rights! As if. Mother and Daddy were only here one night and I totally had Katrinka clean everything, so that was a waste, plus I threw out all my coke and that was mistake. What was I thinking?Now I just have to buy more.
Oh yeah, I went to LA to go to the Oscars. That was ok.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
My Head!
What a weekend! I was so blasted on Friday night that I almost couldn't go out on Saturday. Lord! Parties everywhere. Of course, I was devastated that I had to party-hop without my precious Smudge, so I bought a new chihuapoo. He's all-white too, just like Smudge and fits even better in my dog-purse. His name is Honky. Isn't that cute?
Mother and Daddy are coming to visit, which of course means an advance visit from their security team. Whatever. Those guys so bore me. Last time Mother and Daddy were here, we totally couldn't even go out to dinner because of all the protesters. Whatever, get a life! Like they just have to ruin our night out! Of course, Daddy is a trouper and just smiles through the pies, but I think it bugs him that they follow him around all the time and throw pastry. Who cares about human rights violations somewhere in Europe or whatever? I mean, sure, if we were talking about HERE, but like Daddy's company is totally in another country or continent or whatever -- or Africa or something. Where is that place with the civil war? I can't ever remember. Like I care!
So anyway, Dan and Bob will be coming in tomorrow to prepare for the Mother and Daddy's visit. I used to think Dan was cute, but he has absolutely NO SENSE OF HUMOR. Like, Lindsay and me totally faked my being murdered one time and Dan went completely mental and almost shot Wilbur! God that was hilarious, but he was so mad. I totally have to be with someone who can laugh.
Mother and Daddy are coming to visit, which of course means an advance visit from their security team. Whatever. Those guys so bore me. Last time Mother and Daddy were here, we totally couldn't even go out to dinner because of all the protesters. Whatever, get a life! Like they just have to ruin our night out! Of course, Daddy is a trouper and just smiles through the pies, but I think it bugs him that they follow him around all the time and throw pastry. Who cares about human rights violations somewhere in Europe or whatever? I mean, sure, if we were talking about HERE, but like Daddy's company is totally in another country or continent or whatever -- or Africa or something. Where is that place with the civil war? I can't ever remember. Like I care!
So anyway, Dan and Bob will be coming in tomorrow to prepare for the Mother and Daddy's visit. I used to think Dan was cute, but he has absolutely NO SENSE OF HUMOR. Like, Lindsay and me totally faked my being murdered one time and Dan went completely mental and almost shot Wilbur! God that was hilarious, but he was so mad. I totally have to be with someone who can laugh.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Devastation
First of all, I can't believe I'm even up this early. Second of all, I think I'm still drunk from last night and I am completely dying that I lost Smudge. Ok, here's what happened. I was going to a gallery opening last night on SoCo - I mean, I'm not really into art and all that, but everyone was going to be there, so why not? You don't really have to look at that crap on the wall, plus it's good publicity and that never hurts. Anyway, I had Smudge in my dog purse when I left the house, but when I got home she was gone. So of course, I sent Knute back to SoCo to find her, because I was totally making out with a certain famous trailer-park resident. Somebody told me he doesn't bathe and I can believe it. I had Katrinka throw out the sheets this morning because there is no way to get that smell out. Anyway, Katrinka probably kept them and will sell them on ebay or something. I need to get Knute on that and make sure she doesn't. Those eastern europeans just cannot be trusted. I just wish she spoke English. It is hard to mime instructions when you are as hung-over as I am right now. Like, how do you act out "ebay"?
Oh yeah, Smudge - I am devastated! So Knute went back down to SoCo at like 2:00 AM and he said that he called and walked around until like 4:30 but didn't find her. I bet he actually went down to the Warehouse District and went dancing. I don't know why he complains so much about working on weekends, my best friend, Kaysee made her PA work on Christmas. I gave Knute that morning off. I am very generous with him. I mean, I let him have all my leftovers and one time, I gave him the boxers that Wilbur left in my bathroom. What more does he want?
So anyway, if you see Smudge, call me! She's an all white teacup chihuapoo. I am devastated!
Oh yeah, Smudge - I am devastated! So Knute went back down to SoCo at like 2:00 AM and he said that he called and walked around until like 4:30 but didn't find her. I bet he actually went down to the Warehouse District and went dancing. I don't know why he complains so much about working on weekends, my best friend, Kaysee made her PA work on Christmas. I gave Knute that morning off. I am very generous with him. I mean, I let him have all my leftovers and one time, I gave him the boxers that Wilbur left in my bathroom. What more does he want?
So anyway, if you see Smudge, call me! She's an all white teacup chihuapoo. I am devastated!
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Knute, bring me the effing Tylenol
Ohmygod, I got so drunk on Monday night that I haven't even been able to type until today. Without mentioning any names, I will just say that a certain famous Irish bad-boy actor was in town and I hooked up with him at THE hot spot downtown. He is so hot. We totally went back to his hotel and totally made out. He said he was in town to scout locations. I thought they hired people to do that, but whatever! I thought it was sort of weird that he was staying at the Ramada Inn, but he said he was trying to keep a low profile, and everyone knows the celebs ALWAYS stay at the Four Seasons. The most hilarious thing was that his luggage tags said his name was Steve something from North Carolina. Colin said that's his alias for when he travels. It was so hot. I totally put him in my Blackberry.
Yesterday, I went shopping with Knute in tow and found the cutest white pants. White is the new black. Or brown. I can't remember, I think brown was the new black for fall, so I guess white is the new brown for spring. TOO COMPLICATED! Knute is currently off the shit list (for now) because he did find the awesomest sunglasses that totally make me look like somebody famous from the 50s or 60s. I think they had sunglasses back then, anyway, they are CUTE and that means Knute is back on the Good List.
Yesterday, I went shopping with Knute in tow and found the cutest white pants. White is the new black. Or brown. I can't remember, I think brown was the new black for fall, so I guess white is the new brown for spring. TOO COMPLICATED! Knute is currently off the shit list (for now) because he did find the awesomest sunglasses that totally make me look like somebody famous from the 50s or 60s. I think they had sunglasses back then, anyway, they are CUTE and that means Knute is back on the Good List.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
On warning
What a waste last night was! Of course, Tweetie was right on time and covered that cold sore like a champ. I packed up Smudge in the dog purse and headed off to the opening. No red carpet, what? Just walked in, no photo ops - nada (that's spanish). Whatever. The canapes were cold and there was a serious derth of famous people. I swear I am so over this town.
This morning, Knute AGAIN failed to bring in the paper prior to my waking up. He is on warning. Again. Last time, he let me run out of Q-Tips. Unacceptable. One time, he left the kitchen door open when the caterers were arriving for a bridal shower (Terry's daughter) and Smudge got out. Of course, Smudge is so small that she can hide anywhere. Turns out she curled up in a flower pot and went to sleep, but she could have been lost forever. Plus, I heard there are dog-kidnappers in this area, the take people's dogs and ask for ransom, it happened to my neighbor's friend. Anyway, Knute was on warning then, and he walked the straight and narrow for like two weeks before he made another mistake. That was when he left my hair dryer plugged in and I swear he did that on purpose. I should have fired him then. If he didn't know every maitre d' in this town, he'd have been gone long ago.
This morning, Knute AGAIN failed to bring in the paper prior to my waking up. He is on warning. Again. Last time, he let me run out of Q-Tips. Unacceptable. One time, he left the kitchen door open when the caterers were arriving for a bridal shower (Terry's daughter) and Smudge got out. Of course, Smudge is so small that she can hide anywhere. Turns out she curled up in a flower pot and went to sleep, but she could have been lost forever. Plus, I heard there are dog-kidnappers in this area, the take people's dogs and ask for ransom, it happened to my neighbor's friend. Anyway, Knute was on warning then, and he walked the straight and narrow for like two weeks before he made another mistake. That was when he left my hair dryer plugged in and I swear he did that on purpose. I should have fired him then. If he didn't know every maitre d' in this town, he'd have been gone long ago.
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