Hellow Hotness

I would have written last night but I was too drunk to type. Me and Jessica went out and had a bunch of drinkies. That was fun, and then I was supposed to have dinner with Waff and Jessica wanted to come because she had a date she wasn't all that fired up about. So we met up with Waff and of course he was fun because he always is. But then Jessica's date came and it got weird. Me and Waff were like, "We never act like that." Seriously. The more I know other people, the more I love my friends because they are awesome.

But that's not the hotness, here's the hot thing: Network Man.

Network Man.

It's totes weird to give some hot guy your number and not have him call right away. I'm thinking he will definitely call tonight because it's almost the weekend and I need to commit soon because the offers keep pouring in and I don't want to hold a slot for him if he's not going to call, you know? But like if he doesn't call that will be just weird, because they always call and I know he liked me and HELLOW I'm Cupcake. He came back yesterday to finish working on The Compound and I was like, "hellow." There was this little part of me that thought maybe when I saw him again I wouldn't think he was so hot, but he still was. That is crazy to me. Also, he didn't finish AGAIN and said he would come back next week but I'm going to be gone to DC so I hate for him to be disappointed because I am awesome like that and super-caring.

STOP CALLING!

Sheesh!!! Ok, the person with my fan from Saturday was not a midget, he was a child. I'm sorry already!!! Plus I guess you aren't supposed to call them "midgets" - especially when they are kids. It's super confusing.

I wouldn't eat a kid either, just you know.

Man Magnet, for reals!

So yesterday, something went all crazy with the computer network in The Compound, which I totes know NOTHING about so I'm not even going to say anything about anything. Anyway, Knute called somebody and they sent out this guy who was hot to fix it. Normally, I wouldn't go for a guy with dirty hands, but holy crap you guys!!! He was gorge. Tall, smiley, funny. Normally I do not give out my real phone number to civilians or whatever but he was so cute I was like, "Let me give you my number in case you think of anything you need." (I was totes not thinking about computer network "needs" if you know what I mean!) Anyway, he has to come back tomorrow and I am like all thinking about what I'm going to wear and crap like that. He has to go into the attic, which of course is traumatic for me and even more so for Knute because of that abduction thing or whatever, but I'm already thinking about errands I can make Knute go do while the hot guy is here. The last thing I need is Knute mooning around when I'm trying to get my flirt on, you know?

My faithful readers or whatever will know that I'm been in like a dry spell after me and Paris made our vow of charity (although that whore totally did not keep up her end of the bargain - for reals! I was seriously all about it and I think she just did it for the publicity.) Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, so when Erica cut my hair awhile back, she said my bloggy thing was funner when I was a whore. And I got to thinking about it and she is totes right! Plus I was having way more fun!!! So the first thing I did was call my vet friend and he gave me some polar bear diet pills - which are AWESOME, by the way - and that really just got the whole thing rolling. I think they like changed my chemistry or something because this last weekend I had 5 people ask me to do stuff! Of course this was before Hot Network Man. Now I'm like, "How can I juggle all my fans and stalkers and a Hot Network Man?" Is it possible to be TOO popular? I don't think so, really. I mean, it's all about choices and I am definitely pro-choice.

The funniest picture I've ever seen in my whole entire life

Don't eat monkeys, people!

I have no idea what the hell I did tonight. I think I ate one of these effers, but I'm not sure. The thing is, we were at some festival and the place we ate was like serving squirrel and frog and raccoon. Who the hell eats raccoon? They have little hands!!!

One of my fans took me to this Louisiana festival thing and I have to say, if they eat cute animals with little hands in Louisiana then I definitely don't want to go there. My friend Jenn lives there and that makes me scared for her! She's probably eating rats and mice and gawd knows what out there. I have a raccoon that lives down by the fish pond and I wouldn't eat it. That would be like eating Mr. Cat! What other animals have little hands? I think monkeys have hands. I wouldn't eat a monkey either. It just seems rude. Like I'll totes eat something with fins or hoofs or something. But hands are just a little too close, you know?

Anyway, it was mostly fun. My fan had a midget with him. I don't care for midgets, they make me nervous. I wouldn't eat a midget either, they have little hands.

Rules about underpants

Gus says it's not "appropriate" for me to sit around in the house in my underwear. Like for instants, right now, I'm sitting in the media room in a T-shirt and my underpants. I don't understand what the problem is. He made me leave the kitchen where I was sitting on one of the barstools, drinking coffee and talking to him about last night.

OH! I just had an awesome comeback come to me. I just now went back into the kitchen and I go, "I bet it's ok with you when I sign your paychecks in my underpants." He just looked at me and goes, "Don't even talk like that, you don't sign nothing." GAWD that pissed me off. Because he's right, of course, I don't sign his checks. It's a computer in New York or somewhere.

So anyway, he made me a egg because I woke up starving because I forgot to eat dinner last night. Which reminds me, you know what's gross? Drinking a beer, then chewing gum and then coming home to The Compound and drinking milk. I can't recommend that because it was nasty. Which is weird because beer is good, gum is awesome and milk is good too. You would think it wouldn't be gross together but it seriously is. So I forgot to have dinner last night and I woke up with a headache and now Gus is being weird but my egg was awesome.

I went out with one of my favorite fans last night. He's really funny and good-looking, so at least that part was fun. The only thing wrong with him is that he's super-smart, even smarter than me. Most of the time I have no clue what he's talking about so I try to look smart and really thoughtful. Last night, I was totally thinking how awesome my black patent leather peeptoe pumps are and then I realized he asked me something I needed to answer and that was a little awkward. Luckily, he spent most of the night staring at my boobs, so it all worked out!

Can you really have too many gays?

I think all my fans and friends know how much the gays love me and I am all super-gay-friendly, but seriously yesterday was a little too gay, even for me. I had an interview over lunch with a semi-famous gossip-blogger that I know you all know. He's hilarious and I totes love him. Sometimes, when I'm mad at someone I like to call him and give him tips. The best thing about him, besides being hilarious, is that he tells everything! I mean everything, stuff he doesn't even publish! I love to hear who all's going to rehab and making plea-bargains and crap like that. He's the bomb.

Then I had dinner with three of my favorite gays at the cutest place but there was a lot of "Oh LAWD"ing going on. Also "HOKAYS". I had a very cute drink that might be my new signature beverage for the spring: Pomegranate Cosmo. Awesome! Anyway, I was on my way back to The Compound and I was thinking about how you can actually have too many gays and how the only person there who was talking about stuff I would want to write about is actually a straight girl and she told me I can't write about her because it would cause "too many problems" for her and I know lawsuit-speak when I hear it. So I'm not going to write about what a whore she used to be. That's too bad, too, because it's some good crap. Maybe I'll just call my gossip friend and tell him although he won't care because she's not even famous.

What was I talking about? Oh yea, all the gays. There were gays at the next table who were DYING that we were there and taking our pictures and falling all over themselves. That was boring. Early on, there was a table of two gays and a ugly woman and they weren't even trying to pretend they weren't DYING we were there and they were just staring at us and listening to every stupid thing we were saying. That was super-boring. Then at some point in the dinner, I guess the birthday boy was mad that his presents weren't better because he took out his phone and started reading his texts. That was the most boringest thing I have ever had to listen to in my whole entire life. At first we were all being polite and pretending to care, but then after like 20 minutes I started going, "This game is boring. Let's play a new game." Even Squirrel was agreeing with me and he has to be nice! But the birthday boy just kept on, so I started telling a story to Squirrel and Squirrel's friend and then it got super-ugly because Phone-Boy got mad that we weren't paying attention to him and there was some slapping between me and him and maybe some sparkling wine might have gotten thrown. I'm pretty sure there were some pictures taken and not by his cell phone so I'm just waiting for a call from Daddy's lawyers. They totes told me to keep a low profile while the suit over the Oscar-blogging is going on and I've been seriously trying, but it is hard, you guys! Especially when someone is pouting!

Then I got back to The Compound and Knute was pouting because I didn't take him along but Edgar says I need to establish some boundaries with him which is going to be hard since he does all my waxing.