Ok, I am confused you guys!

Crazy! I've been getting messages from doctors and dieticians or dieters or something about how that Mediterranean way to eat is like super good for you. Somebody asked me to endorse some crap or whatever. Like I have time for that! I am busy you guys. And anyway, one of those doctors told me that eating like that Mediterranean diet is the way poor people eat in Europe or wherever the hell Mediter is. So the thing is this: Gus says that awesome new way we've been eating is actually that Mediterranean diet thing. So I was like, "Why is it so expensive to eat like poor people?" Because I accidently saw a receipt from the grocery store and that shit is like costly! Seriously. Who knew cheese was like a luxury item?

So my friend Waff is having a hard time and I was a super awesome friend and all supportive and shit over the weekend. I was like, "I would be my own best friend!" If I could. Not like you can do that, but still. He sure is lucky to get to listen to me being awesome. Especially since I'm awesome right there in front of him. A lot of my fans only get to experience my awesomeness through this blog thingy or emails or whatever.

More Stuff About Poor People Food

So Gus has decided that we are going to change the way we eat. He wants us to eat the Mediterranean way. At first I thought that meant taking off our shoes and sitting on the floor, but Knute says that's Japanese. So then I was like super confused, because I was already on the floor! Anyway, Gus says eating Mediterranean is all about fresh fruit and veggies and lots of olive oil and stuff like that. I was like, "I don't think so! I want my poor people food!" So I was furious and I guess he backed off for the time being. Last night for dinner, Gus made me an awesome plate of really pretty stuff: tomato, avocado, some nice cheese, little shrivelled up thingies Knute calls "dates" (which is hilarious) and some good bread with some dipping stuff that was awesome, like light green and clear. It didn't even have like a flavor except sort of like a martini garnish. I was totally in heaven because you can eat everything with your hands which everyone knows make stuff taste better, like onion rings. Anyway, I was like, "See Gus, that was awesome! Don't change what we eat! I love poor people food." And Gus was all, "That definitely is poor people food. Greek and Italian peasants!" And I was like, "That's what I'm saying! We don't need to eat that Mediterranean crap!" He was laughing a lot and that makes me happy. His teeth are real white.

F.U.R.I.O.U.S

Ok, so I was just sitting here in the atrium, minding my own business when my phone rings. Hellow. It's Rhett. Whom I totally love and actually dreamed that I was dating which was weird because he's like my brother so it was freaky. Anyway, he's all calling because that little Broadway show he's in is going to be sort of nearby - BUT NOT REALLY NEARBY - next week and he wants me to come see it. Like I haven't seen it a zillion times and like it's not in a sort of trashy town with a lot of Babtists. I don't even know what that is, but I do know that I don't care for them. Anyway, I totally told him back in August or September or something that I was NOT going to go see the show up there. Well, tonight he's all calling me going, "Everyone is furious that you aren't coming to see the show." So I was like, "Whatever." Then he started listing off all my fans that are in his little show and I was like, "I didn't really know I had so many fans." I mean, I'm not surprised, hellow, but it made me sort of happy to know I have a bunch of fans on a bus travelling around America, singing and dancing like crazy people. So I was like, "Get me a free ticket and I'll get Harvey to drive me up there." So then Rhett is all, "It's too late, I could have gotten you a seat last week, if you'd told me." I was like, "Whatever! I didn't know I had so many fans! Like if you had told me, I would totally have told you to get me a ticket!" So then he's screaming back at me, "Whatever!!! You told me told me you wouldn't come up there." So then we were both screaming at each other and I guess he drove into a tunnel because he's in Arkansas and I guess they lots of tunnels there - which generally I don't find very cute, because of this right here: His mobile phone dropped me. So then I had to be furious until he called me back and we were screaming at each other again and I was about ready to just hang up on him and he went back into a tunnel. I think it was a different one this time. So then I had to wait to scream at him until he called back, so I killed some time buying a ticket online which was super-easy, I don't even know why I've been making Knute do all my online stuff since it's so easy. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, so me and Rhett are furious at each other which is what always happens right before we get together, which is kinda weird. Whatever. It's so boring.

Crazy people scare me

So lately, I think I might have mentioned that there have been protesters outside The Compound. They've been there for like, ever and it is super boring. So today, I was coming back from the tanning salon and they were there, like they are every day and usually I just wave at them. Sometimes I make Gus take them sandwiches because those people are like serious. And it is awesome to have something you believe in you know? Anyway I thought we were cool, but today when I was coming back home, there was this crazy lady standing in the way of the gate, so i was like, "Ummmm. Need you to move, kay? Thanks!" But she just started yelling at me and I was like, "Whoa!" because she was using some bad words like dropping the F-bomb. So I started inching the Mas up to make her move and she started banging on the hood so I was like, "What the fuck?" Like who acts like that? For real. She had really crazy eyes and I was sort of scared. Like mostly the protesters are pretty cool, they know it's Daddy and not me so they are just there you know, out of like commitment or whatever. So I think that's ok. But I didn't sign up for crazy people. I totally don't know what that means since I didn't sign up for ANY people, but whatever. One of my governesses used to say, "I didn't sign up for this!" I hardly ever sign anything, except autographs. Anyway, I got out my iPhone and called Knute and I go, " There are crazy people outside The Compound." So he told me to go drive around the block which is hilarious since we live on a lake and I don't know how you'd drive around the block unless you had a boat or a hovercraft or something. Anyway I guess he called the cops because when I got back from being lost, they were there and they had the crazy protester lady in handcuffs. So I just waved and drove on in. That was way better.

Ok, member these awesome peacock satin D'Orsay evening shoes? Today I found a little satin clutch that matches! I am like, "Could life be any better?" Like everything is perfect!

I also have a new stalker. I think he's a drug addict or maybe a drunk, I don't know. I hope he doesn't get all crazy like all my other stalkers do. That is so boring.

So since Mims and Thad are having to move to Luxembourg, I was thinking maybe I could look for a castle there, since Daddy says I can still have one. I think Luxembourg sounds super cute, too. Like "Luxury". And I am all about luxury. Luxuryembourg. I'm pretty sure Luxuryembourg will have some castles because it is Europe and there are castles all over that place, for reals!

Hey, do my survey!

More About Poor People Food

Member how I used to talk about how I'm really black like on the inside? Well, I've actually decided I must be Mexican. The more I think about the more sure I become. Seriously, you guys! Member Lupe? I'm almost positive she was a Mexican, even though she said she was from somewhere else. Well, I totes loved her. I still miss her. Especially when Gus is making a GIANT pot of beans. I mean, I like a bean as much as the next celebritard, but seriously, he makes huge batches! And I try not to let myself think about why he's cooking in those enormous pots because I don't want to get all scared again. Like I don't know why I've been so scared lately. I need to ask Edgar because seriously, the Big Foot, Gus in jail, those crazy bats down by the lake...everything is scaring me lately. That is totally not like me at all! Normally, I don't even pay attention!

I FINALLY finish my community service on Saturday! Thank goodness! Today, I told Knute to call my probation officer and tell him that I would be late on Saturday because me and Mims have pedi appointments. Knute just looked at me and goes, "No. I'm not doing that." I was like, "What?" And Knute just put his little hands on his hips and goes, "No." I was like, "Give me the phone." So he finally gave me the phone, and I'm all, "What's the number?" So he wouldn't give it to me, but I am like super-smart so I called the 411 and asked for Travis County Probation and they totally gave me the number and so I was like, "I need to talk to Jerry." And so I got his voicemail and I was all, "Jerr, I'm gonna be late on Sats. Smooches!" Knute was like freaking out! "They are going to come take you to jail!" I was all, "Please!" But then the more I started thinking about it, the more I was thinking about racial profiling, which I think is where when you are driving down the road, the cops look at your profile to see what race you are. Anyway, I read that black people and Mexican people fit some kind of profile, so I got a hand mirror and I was trying to look at my profile in the bathroom and that is HARD, you guys! Like I don't look like that! So Knute came in and I was like, "Can you tell what race I am by my profile?" And so Knute just stood there for a minute looking at me like I was like crazy or something and he goes, "What do you think you are?" So that was like a question. I had to think for a bit. Finally, I'm like, "I used to be black, but now I think I'm Mexican." So Knute goes, "What makes you think you're a Mexican?" And I go, "I totally love bean and cheese tacos! Plus I speak lots of spanish and I still miss Lupe." So Knute takes this huge breath and he goes, "You aren't black and you are Mexican. You are a JAP." I was like, "!!!" because I was like super-speechless! I just stared at him for a minute and I totally whispered, "Oriental?" Well, I guess he had a asthma attack or something because he ended up lying on the floor, holding his side. I was super scared! AGAIN!!!! When he finally got up, he goes, "I have to go talk to Gus." So he totally left me and I tried to call Daddy and Mother and Kitten to ask them but no one was answering and now I am freaking out because I know you can tell Oriental people by their profiles and I'm pretty sure I'm going to jail.

OK, I Am Like Furious!

So I'm super livid right now. Mims and Thad are moving. Apparently, someone saw my post about how I didn't even know they had kids and called CPS so now they are under investigation for neglect or something. Maybe endangerment too, I wasn't really listening because Gus was making some awesome bean and cheese tacos and I love bean and cheese tacos. Gus says I should have been poor since I like poor people food so much. I'm like, "Whatever!" I don't think I would have been a very good poor person because I am like super-picky, just ask anyone! And I'm pretty sure poor people can't be picky, but I don't know for sure. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yea, Mims and Thad and those kids moving away. I guess there's no extradition with Luxembourg, so that's where they're going. Like whatever! That is going to be hard to go visit them because I'm pretty sure that's in Europe and sometimes I'm too bored to go to Europe.

So like, I guess I'm looking for a new best friend. Like who'm I gonna get my toes did with? And shop obsessively with? Mims was always up for that and now I'm gonna be lonely because sometimes I don't want to hang out with Knute. I feel kind of icky right now. I mean, I guess I sort of feel super-icky. Like my chest hurts and I sort of feel like crying and I'm not even hungover! That's usually when I feel like crying. Or when I don't want to apologize to someone I usually just cry, but I don't think I've done anything this time, I just feel icky.

My bean and cheese tacos were good, though.