Holy crap, you guys!

So, like I've been getting bombarded with requests for information about what happened in Dallas and I like since I sold the writes to OK! Magazine I couldn't say anything until the edition came out, but now I can talk about it, plus the DA in Dallas has said I'm not a suspect.

So ok. Brookie died in Dallas under suspicious circumstances. And of course I was there, but I totes have witnesses who saw us having a drinkie in the lobby of our cute little hotel and making up. I fact, I totally had convinced her to drop the attempted murder charges against me, so there's no way I would have been the one to smother her in her room with a decorative blue pillow. I mean, seriously! I needed her to talk to the prosecutor in Austin first!

The other good thing to come out of all this is that Knute is back! Of course, I have DD now and she's so good, I didn't really want to get rid of her, so I made Knute my Executive Assistant and DD is still my PA. I don't really know what I'm going to do with two PAs but I'm sure I can keep them busy and I need Knute. I was totes lost without him. He doesn't like DD, but that's his problem not mine! He was like, " Look I will come back now that Brookie is dead, but you have to get rid of DD." I was all, "Whatever! She's awesome!" So he was pouting, but I was all strong and like having boundaries or whatever and I won! So I have them both. Gus was all, "What are you going to do with two assistants?" So I go, "DD can be Knute's assistant." Gus goes, "Yea, that's a good idea." I was super-glad he agrees with me!

So tonight, Knute was busy unpacking stuff back into his suite at The Compound, so me and DD went to get some dinner and when we were driving back, the Mas started acting all crazy, so I pulled over and one of the tires was flat! I was like, "FUCK!" So DD was all over the iPhone making calls and getting someone to come deal with it while I was just sitting there being furious. So we'd been there awhile and DD was outside acting real important which was sort of cute and suddenly DD gets back in the car and she goes, "Don't freak out but there's a big old bear who stopped to change the tire for us." I was like, "A BEAR? I want to see a bear change a tire!" But the bear was gone and there was just some guy was working on it for us. All he wanted was an autograph even though I tried to give him a couple of hundreds. He had an earring in each ear like a girl and a totally bald head! That was hilarious. Anyway, overall I'm totally traumatized and had to take a handful of Xanax and Knute freaked out when he heard about it. I was like, "I didn't even SEE the bear, it went back in the woods, I guess." Still, he was upset that DD didn't call him. I was like, "As if you know how to change a tire." There may be some problems between those two, it sort of reminds of Lupe and Katrinka before Lupe ate the spinach and Katrinka got her papers. Those two were always were at each other, remember? My long-time fans will remember that, it was crazy! I don't need that crap again.

Holy crap, you guys!

I just realized I've been so like traumatized by all the crap going on that I haven't even posted any pictures with my posts and that is not like me, for reals. So this here is a picture of a lemon cupcake, my very favorite.

So, ok, I went to Dallas to see Rhett this last weekend and I was totes just going to go and not worry about it, but my new PA was all, "I bet we can get you permission to go" and it turns out she just called my bail bondsman and I was like on my way! I was going to take her with me, but Edgar says I need some boundaries, so I made her stay home. Too bad too because the hotel was not cute and I bet she could have gotten me some more comps. I didn't want Harvey to go either, so I drove myself. My ass was killing me on the drive up there. I don't know how you people drive yourself around all the time.

So there's lots to tell from the weekend, I don't even know where to start. First of all, Squirrel was there, which I totally didn't remember although I think Rhett told me that like forever ago! It was a super nice surprise. I totes liked Squirrel before the weekend but now I love him. He's hilarious. He had some friends with him - one of which was a girl who was crazy - PLUS Rhett apparently knows the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and they were fun too, except when they start like cheering in the middle of a bar. That was sort of weird, I was like, "What is going on?" Luckily me and Squirrel were totes trying to see who could drink the most. I think I won, but I'm not really sure. Anyway, after enough vodka tonics, you don't really need to know what cheerleaders are cheering for, you know? It's like zing or whatever.

When we got asked to leave the bar, the paps were all over the place. That was super-boring. The cheerleaders were posing for cameras and I was signing autographs for awhile but then I got like really bored and decided I didn't want to sign anymore but the cheerleaders were being nice and whatever. I was all, "How can you be so polite?" Only I might have said "fake" which was totes not what I meant. It was the vodka and I totally blame Squirrel! So like, if you are one of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders that I offended, that's not what I meant. Quit texting me and threatening me, okay?

More later!

I have a new PA, you guys!

Daddy's lawyers said I obviously "need a handler" which sounds sort of dirty to me, but whatever, so they found me DD or maybe it's DeeDee, I guess it could be Didi - but I don't think she's French or anything so I don't really know how to spell it. She's ok, I guess. She laughs at like everything I say which I totes don't get because 99% of the time I am not joking but she's totally into like make-up and hair and whatever so that's good. Plus she never tells me what to do, unlike SOME PAs I've had in the past who will remain nameless (Knute Fairchild).

Today we were running all over town and that was so boring because everyone wants to talk to me and get pictures and I get so tired of running from the paps and stuff and plus being nice is super-hard. I had to take a nap.

This summer I am all about yellow, so make a note.

Don't forget to watch me be a presenter at the Glad Bag Awards this weekend which are apparently all about garbage and the gays. I know that the gays are all super-neat which is nice and totes makes sense that a trash bag would sponsor their gay awards, and it totally got me thinking that it would be awesome to get a sponsor myself. So, if you are a company of something I like please call DD, she will totally negotiate for me. I'm thinking like vodka maybe.

Rehab is like super-boring

So I guess sometimes when you think the DA is hot for you, he's really just out to get you because I guess he's jealous of how awesome your life is. Like I don't know how I misread THAT. So I was supposed to stay in Austin as a condition of my bail, but it was CANNES, you guys! So I figured no one in Austin cares about Cannes and who pays attention to that really? So I thought I'd just slip off and go and keep like a super-low profile and Bob wouldn't find out and Daddy's lawyers would never know because they don't do anything awesome like go to movie festivals or read the gossip pages or watch the TMZ, right? So I went and it was boring, of course but then Lindsey's boyfriend and I got in a fight at some place and I guess the paps took some pictures and plus we both got arrested and that totes sucked, so anyway, the people back here found out and the judge made me come back in and then I had to go to rehab AGAIN. PLUS, Lindsey's boyfriend is a GIRL! That is totes confusing!

They wouldn't let me have my computer at the rehab place, which SUCKED by the way! I haven't ever been to rehab like that, it was all zing I guess because they just put you in a room and left you there. An hour or so a day, you get to go outside and walk around. I guess you are supposed to do it all yourself and not go to "sessions" and stuff. I didn't like the outfits though. I had to wear this icky one-piece thing. It didn't do anything for me and the shoes were awful. I've never been to a rehab where you couldn't wear your own clothes! It was weird. My room was nice and airy though! One wall was all open, sort of, except for the bars. It was cute.

Ok!

Stop yelling at me, people! I'm sorry, I have been like super busy and bored and just haven't felt like writing. Like doesn't a celebretard have the right to like check out sometimes? Plus I went to rehab, so there.

So I was looking back to see what was going on last time I wrote and a bunch of crap has happened. Knute is still with that whore Brookie and she won't return my calls. I don't know how I'm supposed to explain why I drugged her if she won't let me. I know she reads this, so like I'll just say this, "It was totes justified, hokay?" She needs to get over it. She didn't even come to the pretrial hearing, so I don't know why she's acting like a "victim" or whatever because if she can't be bothered to come why is the prosecutor even bothering? Oh, and by the way, he is HOT. His name is Bob and I was all, "hellow, Bob!" I swear, he's hot for me and that is totes boring unless I can get him to drop the charges or something. Daddy's lawyer wants me to totes work on that!

Rehab was quick, I just did 10 days because I was so bored. I left before the 90 days they wanted from me. Like I'm going to do anything for 90 days! Please!

I went to the symphony again with my friend Tenny. I know why they call it "phony" -- those people all look like a-holes. I kept going, "When is something going to HAPPEN??" Tenny just kept telling me to be quiet which is SUPER Boring. So I was texting Rhett and he was being hilarious playing a new game he calls "Show Me Your Crack" which is kind of like "Show Me Your Shoes" except with asses. I can't wait to play it because he'll be here in a couple of weeks and we are going to tear it up. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the phonies at the symphony. What's funny is that Tenny isn't phony - he's fun. So I don't know why he keeps taking me to hear all that. Like how many violins do you need, for reals?

My trainer is awesome. His name is Mark and I love him. He's huge! I'm going to make him be my bodyguard because the paps have gone totes crazy with this murder charge thing. I need a whole security team, but since Mark is so huge he's like his own security detail! He says he doesn't want to work for me, but I'll wear him down. I'm super charming!

Mother is still up in space, I have a friend who works for NASA and he got me in touch with her. She says the space station is super boring which totes does not surprise me.

Stewing

So I've been so bored that I decided to hire a personal trainer. He's scary! First I was going to turn Knute's rooms into a home gym, but he told me he wants me to get out of the house so he made me join a gym. I hate gyms. But the second time I went, I saw Squirrel there and that was awesome! I love Squirrel! Like the thing is this: I hate to sweat but I am so bored I don't know what to do with myself. Turns out Knute is in Idaho with Brookie and she hired him and they are all happy or whatever. I am like, Whatever! I'm the one who picked him to be my PA when he was selling lip gloss at Sephora. Like he didn't know anything back then - I made him who he is today! OMFG, I'm so mad all of a sudden! And Brookie! That whore. I can't help it that she's so annoying that I had to drug her. I had no choice, really when you think about it. What was I supposed to do? I had to go out with Scar. This is making me totes livid!

I'm going to go downstairs to talk to Gus. At least he's still here and didn't abandon me. GAWD I hate Knute!

Oh yeah, so today is Mother's Day and I was trying to find Mother all day. Her masseur, Thor, said she's on the international space station. But I don't know if that's true or not. But I couldn't find a listing for it and when I called the 411 the operator just hung up on me. So, Mother, if you are reading this on the space station or in Tahiti or wherever: Happy Mother's Day. Like, call me, hokay?

SIGH

Gus says I need to quit sitting in Knute's room and "stewing" - I don't like stew. Gus said I should go to one of the other houses, but I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to leave Austin while I'm out on bail. I've been trying to call Brookie because I was totes thinking that like an apology could maybe fix things. Like, "Sorry I totes wasn't trying to kill you!" But Daddy's lawyers told me not to call her so I figure as long as I don't leave a message on her voice mail, I'm probably ok. She won't answer though, even though I got a group email from her saying that she was back home and doing fine, so I don't see what the problem is, for reals! I mean, I don't think you can call it a coma if you're not even unconscious for a whole day. Anyway, one of the things Daddy's lawyers said was that I need to quit writing about the whole thing on my bloggy deal but I'm like, "It's my life! I share everything with my fans!" So anyway, they may try to take down my bloggy thing, which would suck because now that Knute is gone, it's all I have to do all day.