The Ballroom

So I was just in the ballroom staring at my tree. Knute and Gus did an awesome job and I don't usually approve of anything they do - mostly because I don't understand anything they do. One thing Knute did that I was like dying over is the peacocks hidden in the tree. You can't really see them in that picture down there, but there are peacocks all over the tree. I have peacocks here at The Compound and those fuckers are loud. I still think they are super pretty though. I wonder if they make those shock collars for peacocks? I need to ask someone.

So the other day, Edgar took me up into the attic because he said it's not rationale for me to be afraid of my own storage area. I mean, I think that's awesome because I don't like to be scared of any parts of my house, anyway, I found a box up there that had a lot of Grandmamma's stuff. There were pictures and a fancy candelabrum and some tops and stuff. Mostly it was boring, but Edgar almost sucked all the air out of the attic "Cupcake do you know what that is?" He was holding up the candle thingy. I'm all "Um, like a candle thingy?" Edgar just put it down and said, "Cupcake, it's a menorah." I go, "A menwhata?" So then he told me this crazy story about oil and shit and I felt like I'd heard it before, but I was not even listening. Then I heard him say the word jewish. I was like, "Jesus Christ! I think my Grandmamma and Grandpappa might have been jewish whatever THAT means." So Knute was up there too, working on his issues with the attic, and he goes, "They are totally Jewish, they just pretended like they weren't." Well, I was like, "I don't pretend to be anything at all. I just am." Knute is all, "Not you, your grandparents and your parents." Well, I don't have time to be worried about what they were doing or not doing or whatever. I am all equal opportunity like I've been saying for like ever. But those two were acting like it was a big deal so I don't really figure I want to think about it. Because whenever people act like something is a big deal it usually means it's something complicated, so I'd rather not think about it.

I am super smart

Ok, so last night I went to that party at my super-smart friends' house and it was like crazy! Seriously, I don't understand why being so smart means you have to be so boring. For instants, everyone stood around talking. Like what is that about? No body shots, no dancing, no one puking out by the pool. I'm not ever sure they have a pool. I don't really know why they are my friends, to tell the truth. I don't even think they have PAs. Ewww.

So anyway, yesterday, Knute went out and got our Xmas tree. And him and Gus put it up before I left. When I got home, they had it all decorated already! I was like, "!!!" They put it in the ballroom this year which makes way more sense to me than putting in the foy-yay like Knute did last year. I mean that frigging ballroom is all empty anyway and no one ever even goes in there! I mean, I hardly ever use the front part of the house. Sometimes I forget that all those rooms are up there because mostly I'm in the Master Suite, the kitchen, the media room or outside. Maybe I should start spending more time in the library, the billiards room and the aviary. But seriously, I am not hanging out in that ballroom because there has never been a more boring room in the history of the world, for reals! Except for now, with the tree and all. I think they did a real nice job. It smells nice too.

I'm thinking about having a party this year. I just buzzed Knute and told him that his tree has inspired me to throw a party. See with Knute, you have to butter him up a little so that's why I started off complimenting the tree. Then he's like proud or whatever and he'll agree to anything else because he's totally not listening because he's thinking about how awesome he is. I am super smart! The last time we threw a big party for the holidays, Knute started planning back in June or maybe even earlier. That was soooo boring. So this year, I want to just throw something together that won't be like a big deal. More on this later!!

Thinksgiving!?

Holeeeeee crap you guys. When I woke up awhile ago, I smelled something awesome from the kitchen so I went downstairs to see what's what. Well, Gus was "all in a lather." My grandmamma used to say that and I have no idea what it means. I mean, he wasn't in the shower, but he was busy! I guess that's what it means. Anyway, there was food everywhere! I go, "What the hell is going on here?" And Gus goes, "Thinksgiving. What the hell do you THINK is going on here?" I was like, "!" Actually, I'm not sure he said thinksgiving. I mean, that doesn't even make any sense. You can't give your thoughts. Right? Although, I guess I sort of give my thoughts with my little bloggy thing, huh? Now I'm confused. I just buzzed Knute on the intercom thing and was like, "What is today?" So he didn't even answer, but I heard him blowing his nose or something honk sounding. (Please note that I did not write HONKY sounding, even though that's a perfectly acceptable word. I do not want to offend my sensitive white friends. Just like I'm super careful to refer to my black friends as "The Blacks." That's what they prefer, I've been told. And I refer to the orientals as "The Asians." Also my mexican friends I refer to as "The Brown Ones." Because I am like super-racially sensitive!!! And International!!!)

Well hell. Knute just came in and was like, "Hellow. It's November. It's THANKSGIVING." I was all, "Well that makes more sense!" I don't know why Gus has gotta make everything so complicated. Just say that. So that means we've got a huge meal today, which will be fun. I think Gus' kids are going to join us too. Which is crazy because I didn't even know he had kids! So it's going to be me, K-nut, Gus, his children, Katrinka and her boyfriend and whoever else stops by I guess. Knute says we have to put up the Christmas tree this weekend, but I don't see how we'll have time if we are eating all that food. It's like CRAZY!

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving or Thinksgiving or both, depending on your religion or color or whatever!!!

Ok, I am confused you guys!

Crazy! I've been getting messages from doctors and dieticians or dieters or something about how that Mediterranean way to eat is like super good for you. Somebody asked me to endorse some crap or whatever. Like I have time for that! I am busy you guys. And anyway, one of those doctors told me that eating like that Mediterranean diet is the way poor people eat in Europe or wherever the hell Mediter is. So the thing is this: Gus says that awesome new way we've been eating is actually that Mediterranean diet thing. So I was like, "Why is it so expensive to eat like poor people?" Because I accidently saw a receipt from the grocery store and that shit is like costly! Seriously. Who knew cheese was like a luxury item?

So my friend Waff is having a hard time and I was a super awesome friend and all supportive and shit over the weekend. I was like, "I would be my own best friend!" If I could. Not like you can do that, but still. He sure is lucky to get to listen to me being awesome. Especially since I'm awesome right there in front of him. A lot of my fans only get to experience my awesomeness through this blog thingy or emails or whatever.

More Stuff About Poor People Food

So Gus has decided that we are going to change the way we eat. He wants us to eat the Mediterranean way. At first I thought that meant taking off our shoes and sitting on the floor, but Knute says that's Japanese. So then I was like super confused, because I was already on the floor! Anyway, Gus says eating Mediterranean is all about fresh fruit and veggies and lots of olive oil and stuff like that. I was like, "I don't think so! I want my poor people food!" So I was furious and I guess he backed off for the time being. Last night for dinner, Gus made me an awesome plate of really pretty stuff: tomato, avocado, some nice cheese, little shrivelled up thingies Knute calls "dates" (which is hilarious) and some good bread with some dipping stuff that was awesome, like light green and clear. It didn't even have like a flavor except sort of like a martini garnish. I was totally in heaven because you can eat everything with your hands which everyone knows make stuff taste better, like onion rings. Anyway, I was like, "See Gus, that was awesome! Don't change what we eat! I love poor people food." And Gus was all, "That definitely is poor people food. Greek and Italian peasants!" And I was like, "That's what I'm saying! We don't need to eat that Mediterranean crap!" He was laughing a lot and that makes me happy. His teeth are real white.

F.U.R.I.O.U.S

Ok, so I was just sitting here in the atrium, minding my own business when my phone rings. Hellow. It's Rhett. Whom I totally love and actually dreamed that I was dating which was weird because he's like my brother so it was freaky. Anyway, he's all calling because that little Broadway show he's in is going to be sort of nearby - BUT NOT REALLY NEARBY - next week and he wants me to come see it. Like I haven't seen it a zillion times and like it's not in a sort of trashy town with a lot of Babtists. I don't even know what that is, but I do know that I don't care for them. Anyway, I totally told him back in August or September or something that I was NOT going to go see the show up there. Well, tonight he's all calling me going, "Everyone is furious that you aren't coming to see the show." So I was like, "Whatever." Then he started listing off all my fans that are in his little show and I was like, "I didn't really know I had so many fans." I mean, I'm not surprised, hellow, but it made me sort of happy to know I have a bunch of fans on a bus travelling around America, singing and dancing like crazy people. So I was like, "Get me a free ticket and I'll get Harvey to drive me up there." So then Rhett is all, "It's too late, I could have gotten you a seat last week, if you'd told me." I was like, "Whatever! I didn't know I had so many fans! Like if you had told me, I would totally have told you to get me a ticket!" So then he's screaming back at me, "Whatever!!! You told me told me you wouldn't come up there." So then we were both screaming at each other and I guess he drove into a tunnel because he's in Arkansas and I guess they lots of tunnels there - which generally I don't find very cute, because of this right here: His mobile phone dropped me. So then I had to be furious until he called me back and we were screaming at each other again and I was about ready to just hang up on him and he went back into a tunnel. I think it was a different one this time. So then I had to wait to scream at him until he called back, so I killed some time buying a ticket online which was super-easy, I don't even know why I've been making Knute do all my online stuff since it's so easy. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, so me and Rhett are furious at each other which is what always happens right before we get together, which is kinda weird. Whatever. It's so boring.

Crazy people scare me

So lately, I think I might have mentioned that there have been protesters outside The Compound. They've been there for like, ever and it is super boring. So today, I was coming back from the tanning salon and they were there, like they are every day and usually I just wave at them. Sometimes I make Gus take them sandwiches because those people are like serious. And it is awesome to have something you believe in you know? Anyway I thought we were cool, but today when I was coming back home, there was this crazy lady standing in the way of the gate, so i was like, "Ummmm. Need you to move, kay? Thanks!" But she just started yelling at me and I was like, "Whoa!" because she was using some bad words like dropping the F-bomb. So I started inching the Mas up to make her move and she started banging on the hood so I was like, "What the fuck?" Like who acts like that? For real. She had really crazy eyes and I was sort of scared. Like mostly the protesters are pretty cool, they know it's Daddy and not me so they are just there you know, out of like commitment or whatever. So I think that's ok. But I didn't sign up for crazy people. I totally don't know what that means since I didn't sign up for ANY people, but whatever. One of my governesses used to say, "I didn't sign up for this!" I hardly ever sign anything, except autographs. Anyway, I got out my iPhone and called Knute and I go, " There are crazy people outside The Compound." So he told me to go drive around the block which is hilarious since we live on a lake and I don't know how you'd drive around the block unless you had a boat or a hovercraft or something. Anyway I guess he called the cops because when I got back from being lost, they were there and they had the crazy protester lady in handcuffs. So I just waved and drove on in. That was way better.