Wow, you guys! I've been all super busy and whatever!

So, I haven't been writing because there was the rehabs and then it was party season, then I went to Europe and I was having too much fun to bother, then it was awards season and I was all over the place: LA, Cannes, Sundance, SXSW (which is home, so I guess it's not really an excuse), and now I'm like so totes bored that I decided to start the bloggy thing again. Plus all my fans have been complaining so fucking much that I have to shut them up. Just a couple of words from me and they are like so happy, it's totes sad about their lives.

So, many of my fans will remember that I went through a phase where I had all white pets because color-coordinating your animals is totally awesome. So then I lost some, I can't remember which ones I lost, I know that I had a bat named Whitey who might have been a bird, it was all very confusing and there was a dog named Honky that got kidnapped. Anyway, I've been thinking about getting another dog, maybe one that's too big to lose or have dognapped. I want a Grate Dane, but Knute says it's too much like having a horse in the house and I have no idea how he would know what that's like, but anyway, since he and DeeDee now outnumber me in votes - which I totes don't get because I'm pretty sure I'm the one who signs their paychecks, or my accountant anyway - I hardly ever get my way anymore. It's real super-boring. Maybe that's another excuse why I haven't been writing. Plus it's just hard you guys! For reals.

Mostly I've been thinking about the economy, you guys. This is like really serious or something. Like I think Obama is totes right that stimulating the nation is the way to go, it's like a giant vibrator for the whole country, which is awesome! Daddy sold my castle in Belgym and my house in the Bahamas, but he swears when "the heat is off" he'll buy me new ones. I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty sure we have the air conditioner on at The Compound, so I'm getting a little impatient. He says that Uncle Dick might not be able to help him this time, which is crazy because Uncle Dick has been running the country for the last 8 years, so I don't know why he can't fix this, but anyway, it's like politics and I don't really have time for that because I am too busy being fabulous.

Thanksgiving sucks

I don't even know what Thanksgiving is supposed to be. Like I guess everyone needs a day to rest up before going shopping. I'm always ready to go shopping, so that's just a waste of time to me. Plus I don't even work, so I never need a day off. I did get Katrinka to get out my sweaters though since it's sort of cold right now.

So I went to go see Mims and Thad in Luxembourg a couple of weeks ago and then I went over to Belgium to visit my castle and Daddy SOLD IT. I was so pissed. I was like, "WTF?" When Daddy finally called me back, I was all, "there are strangers living in my castle!" And Daddy was all, "It's not your castle anymore." So then he started talking about how if I can't even be bothered to stay in rehab and take care of myself, then he was going to start selling my stuff. I was like, "I'll do outpatient!!!!" So he's not going to sell the apartment in NYC as long as I keep talking to some shrink. Like I really need this as we move into the holiday party season! Please! I just can't let Daddy sell anymore of my awesome houses! Luckily, The Compound is in my name, since Grandmamma left it to me personally. Although I was accidentally watching the VH1 the other day and I saw some crazy old man talking about how when he was in a coma his mother got his attorney's power to do something or something. I didn't really understand because I'd been drinking pomegranate martinis for three days and I was buzzed, I won't lie! But now I'm worried that if I party too hard, Daddy will get my attorney's power! I will have to be super-careful not to go into any comas! For reals!!!!

Thanksgiving or whatever

I hate holidays that move around. Like what the fuck is up with Thanksgiving? How am I supposed to keep track of when it is? Like Easter! What the hell?

Rehab SUCKED!

So I guess Mother or Daddy or somebody read the bloggy thing and they sent me off to something called "Pasadena" which is total bullshit because it's like rehab totes doesn't work for me, I've been like 14 times and I still love to party! So Knute and DD kept the whole Compound like totes perfect and I'm not even sure they missed me and plus they are all like besties now and I don't like that at all!

So anyway, I was like totes bored in Pasadena and freaking out because I was dying to come home and I missed Halloween and everything! I was going crazy, so Kitten came to visit and I was telling her how I was freaking out and needed to go home so she was all like, "You just need to come up with some really good reason to leave." So the only really good reason I could think of was cancer, so I had to try to figure out what kind of cancer I could have, so I finally decided that boob cancer was what I needed. So I told my counselor that I found a lump in my boob and I was freaking out and needed to go see my special doc in Austin. So first they made me see a doc in Pasadena and I wasn't really sure how I was going to convince that guy, but I guess he hadn't felt that many boobs because he got really confused and gave me a pass to come home. Well, I just went to see my doc here and I was pretending to try to find the lump and I was all, "Oh my gosh! That's just my implant!"

So anyway, now that I'm home I'm not going back. Gus says that pretending to have cancer to get out of rehab means I'm def going to hell, but I'm like, "Whatevs. I'm probs going there anyway! I can't start worrying about that now!" Like I can be bothered. And FYI, I'm never going to rehab again. It is so BORING! And Dr. Drew - that was my counselor - kept trying to get me to talk about my "abandonment issues". Like HELLOW! The last thing I need is to be THINKING. Mostly I need to be drinking!

ok...so

So I just got back to Austin from Luxembourg and visiting Mims and Thad. It was super-fun and me and Mims went over to Paris to shop a little, that was cute. I bought a ton of stuff, I had to buy a trunk to ship all my stuff home! I am all like tired, but I was drinking Red Bulls and Grey Goose the whole way home, so I'm like tired and wired at the same time. I still have some panda tranqs and I'm totes going to take one of those as soon as I'm done here on my bloggy thing.

Well, Knute picked me up at the airport and he was acting all crazy, and when we got into The Compound, there was like some animal control truck there and a big truck in the driveway, so I fall out of the RR and this dog cop comes over and is all, "Ma'am?" Which makes me think of Squirrel, so I go, "Ma'am?" He was all confused, but he goes, "I'm Officer Muller. Are you aware that there is a shark in your pool?" and I go, "Ma'am, that shark is in the shark tank and the pool is totes separate." Well, he did not seem to care for me calling him ma'am and he got all crazy going, "Well, the shark has passed." So I was like, "Awesome! Was he taking a class?" I had no idea what he was talking about. Turns out he was saying the shark was dead like I have no idea why he didn't just say, "your shark is dead" but he didn't. He had to get me all confused with his like total vagueness. So anyway, animal control was there to remove the shark which seems weird to me because it seems like Fish Control should be ones doing that unless a shark isn't a fish - like a whale or a dolphin or a turtle. It's totes confusing, so I guess I'm going to get a bill from the City of Austin for shark removal and who the hell knows how much THAT is going to be! I made Knute go online to look for the charges, but he said he was sure it wasn't on the City of Austin website. Whatever.

Wow!

Ok. So WTF? I met Lisa-Marie Presley-Keogh-Jackson-Cage-Alvardo-Blanca-Chapa through my friend Squirrel and she was like being all friendly and whatever, calling Knute and DD asking for lunches and crap. So finally, I was like "Whatever." So Knute had a dentist appointment and DD was off so I just went by myself. Well that was NOT a good idea, because I got over to her house and I walked in and it was Lisa-Marie and Jada and Katie and Kirsti. So right off the bat I was all, "FUCK!" because I totes knew something was up and I figured it had something to do with that crazy Scientology shit. So they were talking and talking about a bunch of shit about how my parents never loved me and they were there for me and wasn't I unhappy and didn't I feel like internal conflict or some crap like that. I wasn't really listening. But the next thing I knew we were all jumping in a van and I totes thought we were going shopping, but we went to some CAMP in the fucking woods! I was like, whatever. So I've been there for like 3 weeks. Those people can TALK. That's all they did was talk and talk and talk. Good thing I can like shut my ears up in my mind because I would have gone insane with all that talking. They kept trying to tell me about some alien that was living in my body or a bunch of aliens or something. I was like, "Zeno? Isn't that the zit zapper thingy? Look, if this is about an endorsement deal, I will do it, just let me go home." Then they kept offering to heal me if I would just write them a check and I was all, "Oh, Daddy doesn't let me have checks. Knute writes all the checks. I have a Enriched Uranium AmEx card, can you take that and just shut the fuck up already?" Well, I guess they didn't have a credit card machine out there because right after that in the middle of the night they came and woke me up and put me back in the van and they drove me back to The Compound and just slowed down and pushed me out in the driveway. I still am not really sure what THAT was all about but needless to say, I have deleted Lisa-Marie from everyone's phones and I am like, "Next time she calls tell her I am zapping my zits already and to leave me alone."

So anyway I'm back and like all my fans can stop worrying about me. Although I have to say that I was a little surprised that Knute is still so tan because I'm pretty sure that means that he was not out looking for me, filing police reports or whatever. I'm pretty sure he was lying by the pool and not only that, DD is super-tan too. I'm thinking that my being kidnapped by the Scientologists is going to be a real problem in the long run for me.

Some stuff like Waff being a Lesbian Matchmaker

You guys, I am like super-tan right now. I have just been lying by the pool, staring at my shark for days and just relaxing. It's totes awesome to have two PAs, I should have done this ages ago. DD takes care of the business stuff and Knute makes all my grooming appointments and keeps the bar stocked, plus he's spending a lot of time lying by the pool with me. I think the shark tank was an awesome addition to the whole pool area. He doesn't seem to mind DD now that he realized she's doing a whole lot of the crap he used to do, like finding a shark wrangler.

So I had brunchy with Waff and I think he was saying something about starting a lesbian matchmaking service, he might have said something else, I wasn't really listening. He's awesome. Instead of trying to hook up other people, he needs to find someone for himself - but not a lesbian because he's not a girl.

I just called DD out here to the verandah and told her to find a girl for Waff. She had a pen and paper in her hand but instead of writing anything down, she goes, "What?" So I go, "Waff needs a girl. He's finding girls for other girls, so he needs one too." So she goes, "Is Waff a boy?" And I was like, "DUH." So she goes, "I had to ask since you and Squirrel and Lisa Marie Presley-Alvarado-Keogh-Jackson-Cage-Montreuil-Blanca-Chapa play that game where you call ladies 'sir' and men 'ma'am', it's super confusing!" I was like, "That is a game. It doesn't have anything to do with Waff." So DD goes, "Should I put him on Match.com or something?" I was all, "That is your problem."

So I have a new stalker. I've been thinking seriously about this vow of charity and how it's just not working out for me, plus how long am I supposed to do it? Or like, NOT do it. I wish I had thought this through a little better and not gone on Larry King to talk about it and crap. Plus Paris didn't keep up her end of the bargain, so like I don't even know why I'm bothering. So the new stalker is kind of cute and I'm thinking it's time for a change. So whatever.