Thanksgiving or whatever

I hate holidays that move around. Like what the fuck is up with Thanksgiving? How am I supposed to keep track of when it is? Like Easter! What the hell?

Rehab SUCKED!

So I guess Mother or Daddy or somebody read the bloggy thing and they sent me off to something called "Pasadena" which is total bullshit because it's like rehab totes doesn't work for me, I've been like 14 times and I still love to party! So Knute and DD kept the whole Compound like totes perfect and I'm not even sure they missed me and plus they are all like besties now and I don't like that at all!

So anyway, I was like totes bored in Pasadena and freaking out because I was dying to come home and I missed Halloween and everything! I was going crazy, so Kitten came to visit and I was telling her how I was freaking out and needed to go home so she was all like, "You just need to come up with some really good reason to leave." So the only really good reason I could think of was cancer, so I had to try to figure out what kind of cancer I could have, so I finally decided that boob cancer was what I needed. So I told my counselor that I found a lump in my boob and I was freaking out and needed to go see my special doc in Austin. So first they made me see a doc in Pasadena and I wasn't really sure how I was going to convince that guy, but I guess he hadn't felt that many boobs because he got really confused and gave me a pass to come home. Well, I just went to see my doc here and I was pretending to try to find the lump and I was all, "Oh my gosh! That's just my implant!"

So anyway, now that I'm home I'm not going back. Gus says that pretending to have cancer to get out of rehab means I'm def going to hell, but I'm like, "Whatevs. I'm probs going there anyway! I can't start worrying about that now!" Like I can be bothered. And FYI, I'm never going to rehab again. It is so BORING! And Dr. Drew - that was my counselor - kept trying to get me to talk about my "abandonment issues". Like HELLOW! The last thing I need is to be THINKING. Mostly I need to be drinking!

ok...so

So I just got back to Austin from Luxembourg and visiting Mims and Thad. It was super-fun and me and Mims went over to Paris to shop a little, that was cute. I bought a ton of stuff, I had to buy a trunk to ship all my stuff home! I am all like tired, but I was drinking Red Bulls and Grey Goose the whole way home, so I'm like tired and wired at the same time. I still have some panda tranqs and I'm totes going to take one of those as soon as I'm done here on my bloggy thing.

Well, Knute picked me up at the airport and he was acting all crazy, and when we got into The Compound, there was like some animal control truck there and a big truck in the driveway, so I fall out of the RR and this dog cop comes over and is all, "Ma'am?" Which makes me think of Squirrel, so I go, "Ma'am?" He was all confused, but he goes, "I'm Officer Muller. Are you aware that there is a shark in your pool?" and I go, "Ma'am, that shark is in the shark tank and the pool is totes separate." Well, he did not seem to care for me calling him ma'am and he got all crazy going, "Well, the shark has passed." So I was like, "Awesome! Was he taking a class?" I had no idea what he was talking about. Turns out he was saying the shark was dead like I have no idea why he didn't just say, "your shark is dead" but he didn't. He had to get me all confused with his like total vagueness. So anyway, animal control was there to remove the shark which seems weird to me because it seems like Fish Control should be ones doing that unless a shark isn't a fish - like a whale or a dolphin or a turtle. It's totes confusing, so I guess I'm going to get a bill from the City of Austin for shark removal and who the hell knows how much THAT is going to be! I made Knute go online to look for the charges, but he said he was sure it wasn't on the City of Austin website. Whatever.

Wow!

Ok. So WTF? I met Lisa-Marie Presley-Keogh-Jackson-Cage-Alvardo-Blanca-Chapa through my friend Squirrel and she was like being all friendly and whatever, calling Knute and DD asking for lunches and crap. So finally, I was like "Whatever." So Knute had a dentist appointment and DD was off so I just went by myself. Well that was NOT a good idea, because I got over to her house and I walked in and it was Lisa-Marie and Jada and Katie and Kirsti. So right off the bat I was all, "FUCK!" because I totes knew something was up and I figured it had something to do with that crazy Scientology shit. So they were talking and talking about a bunch of shit about how my parents never loved me and they were there for me and wasn't I unhappy and didn't I feel like internal conflict or some crap like that. I wasn't really listening. But the next thing I knew we were all jumping in a van and I totes thought we were going shopping, but we went to some CAMP in the fucking woods! I was like, whatever. So I've been there for like 3 weeks. Those people can TALK. That's all they did was talk and talk and talk. Good thing I can like shut my ears up in my mind because I would have gone insane with all that talking. They kept trying to tell me about some alien that was living in my body or a bunch of aliens or something. I was like, "Zeno? Isn't that the zit zapper thingy? Look, if this is about an endorsement deal, I will do it, just let me go home." Then they kept offering to heal me if I would just write them a check and I was all, "Oh, Daddy doesn't let me have checks. Knute writes all the checks. I have a Enriched Uranium AmEx card, can you take that and just shut the fuck up already?" Well, I guess they didn't have a credit card machine out there because right after that in the middle of the night they came and woke me up and put me back in the van and they drove me back to The Compound and just slowed down and pushed me out in the driveway. I still am not really sure what THAT was all about but needless to say, I have deleted Lisa-Marie from everyone's phones and I am like, "Next time she calls tell her I am zapping my zits already and to leave me alone."

So anyway I'm back and like all my fans can stop worrying about me. Although I have to say that I was a little surprised that Knute is still so tan because I'm pretty sure that means that he was not out looking for me, filing police reports or whatever. I'm pretty sure he was lying by the pool and not only that, DD is super-tan too. I'm thinking that my being kidnapped by the Scientologists is going to be a real problem in the long run for me.

Some stuff like Waff being a Lesbian Matchmaker

You guys, I am like super-tan right now. I have just been lying by the pool, staring at my shark for days and just relaxing. It's totes awesome to have two PAs, I should have done this ages ago. DD takes care of the business stuff and Knute makes all my grooming appointments and keeps the bar stocked, plus he's spending a lot of time lying by the pool with me. I think the shark tank was an awesome addition to the whole pool area. He doesn't seem to mind DD now that he realized she's doing a whole lot of the crap he used to do, like finding a shark wrangler.

So I had brunchy with Waff and I think he was saying something about starting a lesbian matchmaking service, he might have said something else, I wasn't really listening. He's awesome. Instead of trying to hook up other people, he needs to find someone for himself - but not a lesbian because he's not a girl.

I just called DD out here to the verandah and told her to find a girl for Waff. She had a pen and paper in her hand but instead of writing anything down, she goes, "What?" So I go, "Waff needs a girl. He's finding girls for other girls, so he needs one too." So she goes, "Is Waff a boy?" And I was like, "DUH." So she goes, "I had to ask since you and Squirrel and Lisa Marie Presley-Alvarado-Keogh-Jackson-Cage-Montreuil-Blanca-Chapa play that game where you call ladies 'sir' and men 'ma'am', it's super confusing!" I was like, "That is a game. It doesn't have anything to do with Waff." So DD goes, "Should I put him on Match.com or something?" I was all, "That is your problem."

So I have a new stalker. I've been thinking seriously about this vow of charity and how it's just not working out for me, plus how long am I supposed to do it? Or like, NOT do it. I wish I had thought this through a little better and not gone on Larry King to talk about it and crap. Plus Paris didn't keep up her end of the bargain, so like I don't even know why I'm bothering. So the new stalker is kind of cute and I'm thinking it's time for a change. So whatever.

Holy crap, you guys!

So, like I've been getting bombarded with requests for information about what happened in Dallas and I like since I sold the writes to OK! Magazine I couldn't say anything until the edition came out, but now I can talk about it, plus the DA in Dallas has said I'm not a suspect.

So ok. Brookie died in Dallas under suspicious circumstances. And of course I was there, but I totes have witnesses who saw us having a drinkie in the lobby of our cute little hotel and making up. I fact, I totally had convinced her to drop the attempted murder charges against me, so there's no way I would have been the one to smother her in her room with a decorative blue pillow. I mean, seriously! I needed her to talk to the prosecutor in Austin first!

The other good thing to come out of all this is that Knute is back! Of course, I have DD now and she's so good, I didn't really want to get rid of her, so I made Knute my Executive Assistant and DD is still my PA. I don't really know what I'm going to do with two PAs but I'm sure I can keep them busy and I need Knute. I was totes lost without him. He doesn't like DD, but that's his problem not mine! He was like, " Look I will come back now that Brookie is dead, but you have to get rid of DD." I was all, "Whatever! She's awesome!" So he was pouting, but I was all strong and like having boundaries or whatever and I won! So I have them both. Gus was all, "What are you going to do with two assistants?" So I go, "DD can be Knute's assistant." Gus goes, "Yea, that's a good idea." I was super-glad he agrees with me!

So tonight, Knute was busy unpacking stuff back into his suite at The Compound, so me and DD went to get some dinner and when we were driving back, the Mas started acting all crazy, so I pulled over and one of the tires was flat! I was like, "FUCK!" So DD was all over the iPhone making calls and getting someone to come deal with it while I was just sitting there being furious. So we'd been there awhile and DD was outside acting real important which was sort of cute and suddenly DD gets back in the car and she goes, "Don't freak out but there's a big old bear who stopped to change the tire for us." I was like, "A BEAR? I want to see a bear change a tire!" But the bear was gone and there was just some guy was working on it for us. All he wanted was an autograph even though I tried to give him a couple of hundreds. He had an earring in each ear like a girl and a totally bald head! That was hilarious. Anyway, overall I'm totally traumatized and had to take a handful of Xanax and Knute freaked out when he heard about it. I was like, "I didn't even SEE the bear, it went back in the woods, I guess." Still, he was upset that DD didn't call him. I was like, "As if you know how to change a tire." There may be some problems between those two, it sort of reminds of Lupe and Katrinka before Lupe ate the spinach and Katrinka got her papers. Those two were always were at each other, remember? My long-time fans will remember that, it was crazy! I don't need that crap again.

Holy crap, you guys!

I just realized I've been so like traumatized by all the crap going on that I haven't even posted any pictures with my posts and that is not like me, for reals. So this here is a picture of a lemon cupcake, my very favorite.

So, ok, I went to Dallas to see Rhett this last weekend and I was totes just going to go and not worry about it, but my new PA was all, "I bet we can get you permission to go" and it turns out she just called my bail bondsman and I was like on my way! I was going to take her with me, but Edgar says I need some boundaries, so I made her stay home. Too bad too because the hotel was not cute and I bet she could have gotten me some more comps. I didn't want Harvey to go either, so I drove myself. My ass was killing me on the drive up there. I don't know how you people drive yourself around all the time.

So there's lots to tell from the weekend, I don't even know where to start. First of all, Squirrel was there, which I totally didn't remember although I think Rhett told me that like forever ago! It was a super nice surprise. I totes liked Squirrel before the weekend but now I love him. He's hilarious. He had some friends with him - one of which was a girl who was crazy - PLUS Rhett apparently knows the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and they were fun too, except when they start like cheering in the middle of a bar. That was sort of weird, I was like, "What is going on?" Luckily me and Squirrel were totes trying to see who could drink the most. I think I won, but I'm not really sure. Anyway, after enough vodka tonics, you don't really need to know what cheerleaders are cheering for, you know? It's like zing or whatever.

When we got asked to leave the bar, the paps were all over the place. That was super-boring. The cheerleaders were posing for cameras and I was signing autographs for awhile but then I got like really bored and decided I didn't want to sign anymore but the cheerleaders were being nice and whatever. I was all, "How can you be so polite?" Only I might have said "fake" which was totes not what I meant. It was the vodka and I totally blame Squirrel! So like, if you are one of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders that I offended, that's not what I meant. Quit texting me and threatening me, okay?

More later!