How To Be Awesome

Holy crap you guys!

2009-11-24T09:51:00.003-06:00

I can't believe I haven't written since like April. That is totes insane! Like what the hell have I been doing? I have no idea. I went back to rehab in May and I totally met this super awesome guy, you would know who he is, so I'll just call him Smacky since he was in rehab to kick heroin. I'm all about protecting people's identities because I am super fabulous like that.

Anyway, we've been hanging out a lot and I'm like all happy and not hardly bored at all. So after rehab, I went to Europe for awhile because Mother said I needed to get out of the spotlight for awhlie. I was all like, "Why?" But she made me go so I went to France or Spain or somewhere and that was so totally boring I thought I was going to kill myself. There is nothing to do in Europe at all.

So then I came home and awards season started so I was all over the red carpet and crap like that. That was super boring, but I like the free clothes so whatever.

Then me and Georgeyo Armani got in a big fight because he wanted the dress back from the SAG awards and I'm like, "I don't think so." And he was all, "But yes." and I was like, "Who talks like that?" And he goes, "It was a loner." And I was all, "It's not alone in my closet because it used to be two bedrooms before I converted it, so it has lots of company now." Then he goes, "What are you talking about?" And I was like, "I guess I made my point." So he goes, "I don't know what you are talking about but I need the dress back." So I was like, "No." So then I started getting letters from his lawyers about taking it to press so I just gave the damn dress back. It was like sad.

So I'm totally going to be better about writing on here. I don't think I will have to go back to rehab anytime soon since I am being really careful.

It is hard to find things to write about all the time

2009-04-17T18:09:00.003-05:00

Seriously. It wears me out.

So since I wrote last, I went to see Aeon's band and that was super cute. I've been shopping a lot. Got my toes did. Had a brief, well-publicized relationship with a rapper (I won't go into that here since I know you all read about it in the tabs but trust me it was just for the exposure, and that guy was crazy! I'm done with relationships just to stay on TMZ). I wrecked the Maz, so I got a new one - there's the picture there. It's super cute. Then I found out about 2 surprise parties, so I'm like totally bored already with trying not to tell people about them. There is no way I'm going to be able to remember to keep my mouth shut. Not with how much I drink.

This weekend I'm already bored to death because it's supposed to rain and that means I can't lie by the pool so I have to be bored indoors. And pale. Not cute. And it's only Friday and I'm already this bored, that can't be good.

This Economy Thing is Real Boring

2009-04-01T20:26:00.005-05:00

So the garbage sale was ok except that the paps came and were taking pics of everything. I stayed in the house because it was cold and I wasn't going to go outside with the wind and whatever. I felt real weird watching from the upstairs billiards room while strangers looked at my stuff. It was kind of icky.

Here's the thing: It's almost my birthday! Like two weeks or whatever and I haven't even planned a trip or a party or anything. Knute was telling me that last year's party is like way too expensive to have again this year, which is ok because all those people are like freeloaders and like why should I feed them and whatever? That's a picture Knute took last year right before the party started. So he said this year I should just have something called a "potluck" which sounds like weed so it should be fun! Knute says that poor people have potlucks, and I think that would be real cute. I kinda think I might have had a poor people party one time, but it's hard to keep all my parties straight. Especially since I'm usually drunk.

One thing that is coming up is Aeon's band is playing on Friday in Austin. I'm so stoked because I love me some Aeon and he's real good. I hope he sings Dick in a Box again because that song is hilarious.

Getting rid of stuff!

2009-03-27T20:24:00.002-05:00

So Knute and DD cooked up some kind of plan to get rid of some stuff and make a little money too since Daddy has mostly cut me off. They are having a garbage sale, which kind of hurt my feelings because my garbage is still awesomer than most people's nice stuff. They've been taking all kinds of crap out of the cupboards and putting little stickers on them. I keep seeing stuff I totes forgot I had! Like OMG! But we haven't taken a trip or anything in ages and I haven't even bought any shoes in like forever, except the pair I bought this week and the ones I bought last weekend. Oh and there was those pairs that I got online, the point is that I've really cut back and that's boring as crap, for reals.

Knute told me tonight that I need to think about getting a job and I was all, "ummm...I don't think so." See, I don't like to work. So I'm really thinking I just need another endorsement deal, so I need to get Knute or DD to work the phones a little. I wish I could get a vodka company to sponsor me but DD is all like, "I think if you've been to rehab they won't higher you." I was like, "I'm already high enough, I don't need to be higher." Because me and Knute were hanging out all day by the fish pond and eating Xanax like candy. So then I Knute was like, "We need to figure out what your passion is! That's what Oprah says. If you find your passion then the money will follow." I go, "Um my life is like totes perfect! I sleep and shop and party. I don't want to do anything else! You just need to figure out a way for me to make money doing that." They don't seem very enthusiastic about it, but I'm sure they'll think of something. They are like totes smart. Maybe Xanax could sponsor me! I gotta go tell them to find the phone number for Xanax.

Do you know about this Facebook Thingy?

2009-03-23T21:20:00.002-05:00

Everywhere I go I the paps are yelling at me: Cupcake, are you on Facebook?

I don't even know what that means! It sounds like it ought to be in the library, but Knute says its on the computer. I don't really know but I'm tired of people telling me they are going to Facebook me when I'm signing autographs, it totes sounds like a threat, you know?

So I called Daddy's assistant today to see what was up with the real estate because I keep hearing that real estate is super-cheap and Daddy needs to buy me a new beach house. So Vanessa said he was out of the country because of the Congressional subpoena. I was like, "What?" So she's like, "The Iraq stuff? The contracts?" I was like, "ok..." I had no idea what the fuck she was talking about. So she starts talking about nobid contracts, I don't know what a nobid is but it sounds bad, you guys. Vanessa said Daddy might be in trouble. I hope the Congressional doesn't read my bloggy thing...

Ok, I just called Vanessa and she said I shouldn't be bloggy about Daddy's business. Which was real super-bossy of her, but whatever. She thinks she's family because she and Daddy travel everywhere together but she's only a couple of years older than me, so I don't know why she thinks she's such hot shit.

I can't believe I didn't write for so long! This is awesome! Because I'm so super creative and whatever. All us artist types need like a creative outlet and stuff.

Wow, you guys! I've been all super busy and whatever!

2009-03-22T19:14:00.002-05:00

So, I haven't been writing because there was the rehabs and then it was party season, then I went to Europe and I was having too much fun to bother, then it was awards season and I was all over the place: LA, Cannes, Sundance, SXSW (which is home, so I guess it's not really an excuse), and now I'm like so totes bored that I decided to start the bloggy thing again. Plus all my fans have been complaining so fucking much that I have to shut them up. Just a couple of words from me and they are like so happy, it's totes sad about their lives.

So, many of my fans will remember that I went through a phase where I had all white pets because color-coordinating your animals is totally awesome. So then I lost some, I can't remember which ones I lost, I know that I had a bat named Whitey who might have been a bird, it was all very confusing and there was a dog named Honky that got kidnapped. Anyway, I've been thinking about getting another dog, maybe one that's too big to lose or have dognapped. I want a Grate Dane, but Knute says it's too much like having a horse in the house and I have no idea how he would know what that's like, but anyway, since he and DeeDee now outnumber me in votes - which I totes don't get because I'm pretty sure I'm the one who signs their paychecks, or my accountant anyway - I hardly ever get my way anymore. It's real super-boring. Maybe that's another excuse why I haven't been writing. Plus it's just hard you guys! For reals.

Mostly I've been thinking about the economy, you guys. This is like really serious or something. Like I think Obama is totes right that stimulating the nation is the way to go, it's like a giant vibrator for the whole country, which is awesome! Daddy sold my castle in Belgym and my house in the Bahamas, but he swears when "the heat is off" he'll buy me new ones. I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty sure we have the air conditioner on at The Compound, so I'm getting a little impatient. He says that Uncle Dick might not be able to help him this time, which is crazy because Uncle Dick has been running the country for the last 8 years, so I don't know why he can't fix this, but anyway, it's like politics and I don't really have time for that because I am too busy being fabulous.

Thanksgiving sucks

2008-11-30T12:07:00.002-06:00

I don't even know what Thanksgiving is supposed to be. Like I guess everyone needs a day to rest up before going shopping. I'm always ready to go shopping, so that's just a waste of time to me. Plus I don't even work, so I never need a day off. I did get Katrinka to get out my sweaters though since it's sort of cold right now.

So I went to go see Mims and Thad in Luxembourg a couple of weeks ago and then I went over to Belgium to visit my castle and Daddy SOLD IT. I was so pissed. I was like, "WTF?" When Daddy finally called me back, I was all, "there are strangers living in my castle!" And Daddy was all, "It's not your castle anymore." So then he started talking about how if I can't even be bothered to stay in rehab and take care of myself, then he was going to start selling my stuff. I was like, "I'll do outpatient!!!!" So he's not going to sell the apartment in NYC as long as I keep talking to some shrink. Like I really need this as we move into the holiday party season! Please! I just can't let Daddy sell anymore of my awesome houses! Luckily, The Compound is in my name, since Grandmamma left it to me personally. Although I was accidentally watching the VH1 the other day and I saw some crazy old man talking about how when he was in a coma his mother got his attorney's power to do something or something. I didn't really understand because I'd been drinking pomegranate martinis for three days and I was buzzed, I won't lie! But now I'm worried that if I party too hard, Daddy will get my attorney's power! I will have to be super-careful not to go into any comas! For reals!!!!

Thanksgiving or whatever

2008-11-19T21:16:00.003-06:00

I hate holidays that move around. Like what the fuck is up with Thanksgiving? How am I supposed to keep track of when it is? Like Easter! What the hell?

Rehab SUCKED!

2008-11-19T20:44:00.003-06:00

So I guess Mother or Daddy or somebody read the bloggy thing and they sent me off to something called "Pasadena" which is total bullshit because it's like rehab totes doesn't work for me, I've been like 14 times and I still love to party! So Knute and DD kept the whole Compound like totes perfect and I'm not even sure they missed me and plus they are all like besties now and I don't like that at all!

So anyway, I was like totes bored in Pasadena and freaking out because I was dying to come home and I missed Halloween and everything! I was going crazy, so Kitten came to visit and I was telling her how I was freaking out and needed to go home so she was all like, "You just need to come up with some really good reason to leave." So the only really good reason I could think of was cancer, so I had to try to figure out what kind of cancer I could have, so I finally decided that boob cancer was what I needed. So I told my counselor that I found a lump in my boob and I was freaking out and needed to go see my special doc in Austin. So first they made me see a doc in Pasadena and I wasn't really sure how I was going to convince that guy, but I guess he hadn't felt that many boobs because he got really confused and gave me a pass to come home. Well, I just went to see my doc here and I was pretending to try to find the lump and I was all, "Oh my gosh! That's just my implant!"

So anyway, now that I'm home I'm not going back. Gus says that pretending to have cancer to get out of rehab means I'm def going to hell, but I'm like, "Whatevs. I'm probs going there anyway! I can't start worrying about that now!" Like I can be bothered. And FYI, I'm never going to rehab again. It is so BORING! And Dr. Drew - that was my counselor - kept trying to get me to talk about my "abandonment issues". Like HELLOW! The last thing I need is to be THINKING. Mostly I need to be drinking!

ok...so

2008-08-24T21:14:00.004-05:00

So I just got back to Austin from Luxembourg and visiting Mims and Thad. It was super-fun and me and Mims went over to Paris to shop a little, that was cute. I bought a ton of stuff, I had to buy a trunk to ship all my stuff home! I am all like tired, but I was drinking Red Bulls and Grey Goose the whole way home, so I'm like tired and wired at the same time. I still have some panda tranqs and I'm totes going to take one of those as soon as I'm done here on my bloggy thing.

Well, Knute picked me up at the airport and he was acting all crazy, and when we got into The Compound, there was like some animal control truck there and a big truck in the driveway, so I fall out of the RR and this dog cop comes over and is all, "Ma'am?" Which makes me think of Squirrel, so I go, "Ma'am?" He was all confused, but he goes, "I'm Officer Muller. Are you aware that there is a shark in your pool?" and I go, "Ma'am, that shark is in the shark tank and the pool is totes separate." Well, he did not seem to care for me calling him ma'am and he got all crazy going, "Well, the shark has passed." So I was like, "Awesome! Was he taking a class?" I had no idea what he was talking about. Turns out he was saying the shark was dead like I have no idea why he didn't just say, "your shark is dead" but he didn't. He had to get me all confused with his like total vagueness. So anyway, animal control was there to remove the shark which seems weird to me because it seems like Fish Control should be ones doing that unless a shark isn't a fish - like a whale or a dolphin or a turtle. It's totes confusing, so I guess I'm going to get a bill from the City of Austin for shark removal and who the hell knows how much THAT is going to be! I made Knute go online to look for the charges, but he said he was sure it wasn't on the City of Austin website. Whatever.

Wow!

2008-08-16T10:04:00.007-05:00

Ok. So WTF? I met Lisa-Marie Presley-Keogh-Jackson-Cage-Alvardo-Blanca-Chapa through my friend Squirrel and she was like being all friendly and whatever, calling Knute and DD asking for lunches and crap. So finally, I was like "Whatever." So Knute had a dentist appointment and DD was off so I just went by myself. Well that was NOT a good idea, because I got over to her house and I walked in and it was Lisa-Marie and Jada and Katie and Kirsti. So right off the bat I was all, "FUCK!" because I totes knew something was up and I figured it had something to do with that crazy Scientology shit. So they were talking and talking about a bunch of shit about how my parents never loved me and they were there for me and wasn't I unhappy and didn't I feel like internal conflict or some crap like that. I wasn't really listening. But the next thing I knew we were all jumping in a van and I totes thought we were going shopping, but we went to some CAMP in the fucking woods! I was like, whatever. So I've been there for like 3 weeks. Those people can TALK. That's all they did was talk and talk and talk. Good thing I can like shut my ears up in my mind because I would have gone insane with all that talking. They kept trying to tell me about some alien that was living in my body or a bunch of aliens or something. I was like, "Zeno? Isn't that the zit zapper thingy? Look, if this is about an endorsement deal, I will do it, just let me go home." Then they kept offering to heal me if I would just write them a check and I was all, "Oh, Daddy doesn't let me have checks. Knute writes all the checks. I have a Enriched Uranium AmEx card, can you take that and just shut the fuck up already?" Well, I guess they didn't have a credit card machine out there because right after that in the middle of the night they came and woke me up and put me back in the van and they drove me back to The Compound and just slowed down and pushed me out in the driveway. I still am not really sure what THAT was all about but needless to say, I have deleted Lisa-Marie from everyone's phones and I am like, "Next time she calls tell her I am zapping my zits already and to leave me alone."

So anyway I'm back and like all my fans can stop worrying about me. Although I have to say that I was a little surprised that Knute is still so tan because I'm pretty sure that means that he was not out looking for me, filing police reports or whatever. I'm pretty sure he was lying by the pool and not only that, DD is super-tan too. I'm thinking that my being kidnapped by the Scientologists is going to be a real problem in the long run for me.

Some stuff like Waff being a Lesbian Matchmaker

2008-07-20T20:13:00.004-05:00

You guys, I am like super-tan right now. I have just been lying by the pool, staring at my shark for days and just relaxing. It's totes awesome to have two PAs, I should have done this ages ago. DD takes care of the business stuff and Knute makes all my grooming appointments and keeps the bar stocked, plus he's spending a lot of time lying by the pool with me. I think the shark tank was an awesome addition to the whole pool area. He doesn't seem to mind DD now that he realized she's doing a whole lot of the crap he used to do, like finding a shark wrangler.

So I had brunchy with Waff and I think he was saying something about starting a lesbian matchmaking service, he might have said something else, I wasn't really listening. He's awesome. Instead of trying to hook up other people, he needs to find someone for himself - but not a lesbian because he's not a girl.

I just called DD out here to the verandah and told her to find a girl for Waff. She had a pen and paper in her hand but instead of writing anything down, she goes, "What?" So I go, "Waff needs a girl. He's finding girls for other girls, so he needs one too." So she goes, "Is Waff a boy?" And I was like, "DUH." So she goes, "I had to ask since you and Squirrel and Lisa Marie Presley-Alvarado-Keogh-Jackson-Cage-Montreuil-Blanca-Chapa play that game where you call ladies 'sir' and men 'ma'am', it's super confusing!" I was like, "That is a game. It doesn't have anything to do with Waff." So DD goes, "Should I put him on Match.com or something?" I was all, "That is your problem."

So I have a new stalker. I've been thinking seriously about this vow of charity and how it's just not working out for me, plus how long am I supposed to do it? Or like, NOT do it. I wish I had thought this through a little better and not gone on Larry King to talk about it and crap. Plus Paris didn't keep up her end of the bargain, so like I don't even know why I'm bothering. So the new stalker is kind of cute and I'm thinking it's time for a change. So whatever.

Holy crap, you guys!

2008-07-13T20:50:00.003-05:00

So, like I've been getting bombarded with requests for information about what happened in Dallas and I like since I sold the writes to OK! Magazine I couldn't say anything until the edition came out, but now I can talk about it, plus the DA in Dallas has said I'm not a suspect.

So ok. Brookie died in Dallas under suspicious circumstances. And of course I was there, but I totes have witnesses who saw us having a drinkie in the lobby of our cute little hotel and making up. I fact, I totally had convinced her to drop the attempted murder charges against me, so there's no way I would have been the one to smother her in her room with a decorative blue pillow. I mean, seriously! I needed her to talk to the prosecutor in Austin first!

The other good thing to come out of all this is that Knute is back! Of course, I have DD now and she's so good, I didn't really want to get rid of her, so I made Knute my Executive Assistant and DD is still my PA. I don't really know what I'm going to do with two PAs but I'm sure I can keep them busy and I need Knute. I was totes lost without him. He doesn't like DD, but that's his problem not mine! He was like, " Look I will come back now that Brookie is dead, but you have to get rid of DD." I was all, "Whatever! She's awesome!" So he was pouting, but I was all strong and like having boundaries or whatever and I won! So I have them both. Gus was all, "What are you going to do with two assistants?" So I go, "DD can be Knute's assistant." Gus goes, "Yea, that's a good idea." I was super-glad he agrees with me!

So tonight, Knute was busy unpacking stuff back into his suite at The Compound, so me and DD went to get some dinner and when we were driving back, the Mas started acting all crazy, so I pulled over and one of the tires was flat! I was like, "FUCK!" So DD was all over the iPhone making calls and getting someone to come deal with it while I was just sitting there being furious. So we'd been there awhile and DD was outside acting real important which was sort of cute and suddenly DD gets back in the car and she goes, "Don't freak out but there's a big old bear who stopped to change the tire for us." I was like, "A BEAR? I want to see a bear change a tire!" But the bear was gone and there was just some guy was working on it for us. All he wanted was an autograph even though I tried to give him a couple of hundreds. He had an earring in each ear like a girl and a totally bald head! That was hilarious. Anyway, overall I'm totally traumatized and had to take a handful of Xanax and Knute freaked out when he heard about it. I was like, "I didn't even SEE the bear, it went back in the woods, I guess." Still, he was upset that DD didn't call him. I was like, "As if you know how to change a tire." There may be some problems between those two, it sort of reminds of Lupe and Katrinka before Lupe ate the spinach and Katrinka got her papers. Those two were always were at each other, remember? My long-time fans will remember that, it was crazy! I don't need that crap again.

Holy crap, you guys!

2008-07-01T19:03:00.003-05:00

I just realized I've been so like traumatized by all the crap going on that I haven't even posted any pictures with my posts and that is not like me, for reals. So this here is a picture of a lemon cupcake, my very favorite.

So, ok, I went to Dallas to see Rhett this last weekend and I was totes just going to go and not worry about it, but my new PA was all, "I bet we can get you permission to go" and it turns out she just called my bail bondsman and I was like on my way! I was going to take her with me, but Edgar says I need some boundaries, so I made her stay home. Too bad too because the hotel was not cute and I bet she could have gotten me some more comps. I didn't want Harvey to go either, so I drove myself. My ass was killing me on the drive up there. I don't know how you people drive yourself around all the time.

So there's lots to tell from the weekend, I don't even know where to start. First of all, Squirrel was there, which I totally didn't remember although I think Rhett told me that like forever ago! It was a super nice surprise. I totes liked Squirrel before the weekend but now I love him. He's hilarious. He had some friends with him - one of which was a girl who was crazy - PLUS Rhett apparently knows the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and they were fun too, except when they start like cheering in the middle of a bar. That was sort of weird, I was like, "What is going on?" Luckily me and Squirrel were totes trying to see who could drink the most. I think I won, but I'm not really sure. Anyway, after enough vodka tonics, you don't really need to know what cheerleaders are cheering for, you know? It's like zing or whatever.

When we got asked to leave the bar, the paps were all over the place. That was super-boring. The cheerleaders were posing for cameras and I was signing autographs for awhile but then I got like really bored and decided I didn't want to sign anymore but the cheerleaders were being nice and whatever. I was all, "How can you be so polite?" Only I might have said "fake" which was totes not what I meant. It was the vodka and I totally blame Squirrel! So like, if you are one of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders that I offended, that's not what I meant. Quit texting me and threatening me, okay?

More later!

I have a new PA, you guys!

2008-06-21T20:23:00.003-05:00

Daddy's lawyers said I obviously "need a handler" which sounds sort of dirty to me, but whatever, so they found me DD or maybe it's DeeDee, I guess it could be Didi - but I don't think she's French or anything so I don't really know how to spell it. She's ok, I guess. She laughs at like everything I say which I totes don't get because 99% of the time I am not joking but she's totally into like make-up and hair and whatever so that's good. Plus she never tells me what to do, unlike SOME PAs I've had in the past who will remain nameless (Knute Fairchild).

Today we were running all over town and that was so boring because everyone wants to talk to me and get pictures and I get so tired of running from the paps and stuff and plus being nice is super-hard. I had to take a nap.

This summer I am all about yellow, so make a note.

Don't forget to watch me be a presenter at the Glad Bag Awards this weekend which are apparently all about garbage and the gays. I know that the gays are all super-neat which is nice and totes makes sense that a trash bag would sponsor their gay awards, and it totally got me thinking that it would be awesome to get a sponsor myself. So, if you are a company of something I like please call DD, she will totally negotiate for me. I'm thinking like vodka maybe.

Rehab is like super-boring

2008-06-07T18:59:00.002-05:00

So I guess sometimes when you think the DA is hot for you, he's really just out to get you because I guess he's jealous of how awesome your life is. Like I don't know how I misread THAT. So I was supposed to stay in Austin as a condition of my bail, but it was CANNES, you guys! So I figured no one in Austin cares about Cannes and who pays attention to that really? So I thought I'd just slip off and go and keep like a super-low profile and Bob wouldn't find out and Daddy's lawyers would never know because they don't do anything awesome like go to movie festivals or read the gossip pages or watch the TMZ, right? So I went and it was boring, of course but then Lindsey's boyfriend and I got in a fight at some place and I guess the paps took some pictures and plus we both got arrested and that totes sucked, so anyway, the people back here found out and the judge made me come back in and then I had to go to rehab AGAIN. PLUS, Lindsey's boyfriend is a GIRL! That is totes confusing!

They wouldn't let me have my computer at the rehab place, which SUCKED by the way! I haven't ever been to rehab like that, it was all zing I guess because they just put you in a room and left you there. An hour or so a day, you get to go outside and walk around. I guess you are supposed to do it all yourself and not go to "sessions" and stuff. I didn't like the outfits though. I had to wear this icky one-piece thing. It didn't do anything for me and the shoes were awful. I've never been to a rehab where you couldn't wear your own clothes! It was weird. My room was nice and airy though! One wall was all open, sort of, except for the bars. It was cute.

Ok!

2008-05-22T21:39:00.002-05:00

Stop yelling at me, people! I'm sorry, I have been like super busy and bored and just haven't felt like writing. Like doesn't a celebretard have the right to like check out sometimes? Plus I went to rehab, so there.

So I was looking back to see what was going on last time I wrote and a bunch of crap has happened. Knute is still with that whore Brookie and she won't return my calls. I don't know how I'm supposed to explain why I drugged her if she won't let me. I know she reads this, so like I'll just say this, "It was totes justified, hokay?" She needs to get over it. She didn't even come to the pretrial hearing, so I don't know why she's acting like a "victim" or whatever because if she can't be bothered to come why is the prosecutor even bothering? Oh, and by the way, he is HOT. His name is Bob and I was all, "hellow, Bob!" I swear, he's hot for me and that is totes boring unless I can get him to drop the charges or something. Daddy's lawyer wants me to totes work on that!

Rehab was quick, I just did 10 days because I was so bored. I left before the 90 days they wanted from me. Like I'm going to do anything for 90 days! Please!

I went to the symphony again with my friend Tenny. I know why they call it "phony" -- those people all look like a-holes. I kept going, "When is something going to HAPPEN??" Tenny just kept telling me to be quiet which is SUPER Boring. So I was texting Rhett and he was being hilarious playing a new game he calls "Show Me Your Crack" which is kind of like "Show Me Your Shoes" except with asses. I can't wait to play it because he'll be here in a couple of weeks and we are going to tear it up. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the phonies at the symphony. What's funny is that Tenny isn't phony - he's fun. So I don't know why he keeps taking me to hear all that. Like how many violins do you need, for reals?

My trainer is awesome. His name is Mark and I love him. He's huge! I'm going to make him be my bodyguard because the paps have gone totes crazy with this murder charge thing. I need a whole security team, but since Mark is so huge he's like his own security detail! He says he doesn't want to work for me, but I'll wear him down. I'm super charming!

Mother is still up in space, I have a friend who works for NASA and he got me in touch with her. She says the space station is super boring which totes does not surprise me.

Stewing

2008-05-11T17:51:00.004-05:00

So I've been so bored that I decided to hire a personal trainer. He's scary! First I was going to turn Knute's rooms into a home gym, but he told me he wants me to get out of the house so he made me join a gym. I hate gyms. But the second time I went, I saw Squirrel there and that was awesome! I love Squirrel! Like the thing is this: I hate to sweat but I am so bored I don't know what to do with myself. Turns out Knute is in Idaho with Brookie and she hired him and they are all happy or whatever. I am like, Whatever! I'm the one who picked him to be my PA when he was selling lip gloss at Sephora. Like he didn't know anything back then - I made him who he is today! OMFG, I'm so mad all of a sudden! And Brookie! That whore. I can't help it that she's so annoying that I had to drug her. I had no choice, really when you think about it. What was I supposed to do? I had to go out with Scar. This is making me totes livid!

I'm going to go downstairs to talk to Gus. At least he's still here and didn't abandon me. GAWD I hate Knute!

Oh yeah, so today is Mother's Day and I was trying to find Mother all day. Her masseur, Thor, said she's on the international space station. But I don't know if that's true or not. But I couldn't find a listing for it and when I called the 411 the operator just hung up on me. So, Mother, if you are reading this on the space station or in Tahiti or wherever: Happy Mother's Day. Like, call me, hokay?

SIGH

2008-05-06T20:06:00.003-05:00

Gus says I need to quit sitting in Knute's room and "stewing" - I don't like stew. Gus said I should go to one of the other houses, but I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to leave Austin while I'm out on bail. I've been trying to call Brookie because I was totes thinking that like an apology could maybe fix things. Like, "Sorry I totes wasn't trying to kill you!" But Daddy's lawyers told me not to call her so I figure as long as I don't leave a message on her voice mail, I'm probably ok. She won't answer though, even though I got a group email from her saying that she was back home and doing fine, so I don't see what the problem is, for reals! I mean, I don't think you can call it a coma if you're not even unconscious for a whole day. Anyway, one of the things Daddy's lawyers said was that I need to quit writing about the whole thing on my bloggy deal but I'm like, "It's my life! I share everything with my fans!" So anyway, they may try to take down my bloggy thing, which would suck because now that Knute is gone, it's all I have to do all day.

Depressed

2008-05-05T21:19:00.004-05:00

Knute is gone. Brookie got released from the hospital, the cops came here, I got arrested yesterday, got bailed out and Knute is really gone. Brookie is back in Utah or Idaho or wherever she is from and I think Knute is with her. I was just sitting in his old room and he left his keys and his Blackberry and his pager and he took EVERYTHING, so I sort of think he's not coming back. Plus Daddy is like super-furious, according to his lawyers. Daddy's secretary, Vanessa, says that drugs or DWIs is one thing but that attempted murder is something else entirely. I think the charge is excessive, but like what do I know?

Fuck me twice!

2008-05-03T21:59:00.003-05:00

So Knute just finally got back to The Compound and he's not even talking to me. Gus made red beans and rice for dinner which was awesome and I was just sitting in the kitchen having some dinner and Knute walked in. He just went right past me to the elevator and I was all, "HELLOW!" Well, I should have kept my mouth shut because he went nuts! Turns out it took awhile for Brookie to regain consciousness and Knute now says he's not going to work for a murderer anymore. Technically, it's like attempted murder or maybe like negligent homicide or something. Maybe like reckless endangerment. Anyway, that's besides the point. The point is, he's upstairs packing all his shit and says he's leaving and not coming back. Well, he's done that before so I'm not scared. He's super mad, though.

Well, Fuck Me.

2008-05-03T12:20:00.004-05:00

I just got off the phone with Knute who's still at the hospital with Brookie. He's still furious and now he's saying that he can't work for me anymore because I'm totally without morale or something but I think I'm very upbeat mostly.

Cheese and limes

2008-05-03T02:26:00.002-05:00

It's almost Sinko de Mayo again! This time last year I was in Rhode Island with Rhett and I was super-confused because it is definitely NOT an island.

So today, I was IMing Scar while I was hiding in the utility room from The Houseguest. Brookie was looking for me everywhere but of course that girl wouldn't go in the room where laundry gets done because she might accidentally fold something!

(Actually, I totes didn't even know I had a utility room until today when I was looking for a place to hide! I thought we sent the laundry out!)

So what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Brookie, driving me nuts with her foot and those crutches and whatever. So late this afternoon, I made her some hot chocolate and crushed up some extra painkillers in so I could go out with Scar. Once Brookie passed out, I got in the Maz and headed downtown for margs and queso (it's pronounced "kay, so" It's Spanish. Mostly it's just cheese.) Anyway, we were like telling stories about Justin and his wiener and the waitress was freaking out because there really weren't any famous people in this little place and when she came to take one round of our drinks, she was like, "Can I ask you a question?" And Scar, she's nicer than me, was all, "Sure." And the girl goes, "How long have you been friends because I didn't even know you guys knew each other, much less that you would be hanging out drinking margs together." And Scar was like, "Couple of years." So she was like, "Awesome." Then I was all, "Bring us another round or that bitch will tear you up." Then the waitress laughed like super loud. I totes don't know what she was laughing about because when Scar's booze is late, she is like scary. Not scarry - whoa! I don't even know what I'm typing right now. I shouldn't write on my bloggy thing when I've been drinking but that IS most of the time, so I don't know when I would write.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, so when I got home a little while ago, Knute was all calling and he was like furious because he said I could have killed Brookie with the painkillers but I was all, "Hey, she's gotta learn to handle her pills!" So now Knute is not speaking to me, Brookie is still at the ER because I guess she can't handle her pills and Knute is up there with her, being furious. Knute had to call the ambulance when he couldn't find her pulse or whatever so now he feels like he can't leave her, but I am too drunk to drive up to the hospital and plus I'm super-tired. How long does it take to make a bone stop running around in your foot? Because she's seriously GOT TO GO.

Oh yea, me and Scar got pedis too!

It's so hard to be so awesome!

2008-04-30T20:39:00.005-05:00

These are my new Choos. Awesome, right?

So here's the thing. Brookie came and her foot looked seriously effed up, so Knute took her to a orthodontist or some kind of bone doctor and turns out she has like a bone roaming around loose in her foot. Like, GROSS! I'm pretty sure bones are supposed to stay put.

Here's the thing about houseguests: they suck. It's just a whole lot more work for the staff and I have to be nice all the time and that just sucks. Plus Brookie is so bored she never leaves me alone. Like I'm seriously considering starting to run or something because I know she can't follow me. I mean, when I see her like 4 times a year, she's super-fun, but having her right next to me for days on end is like boring. And I feel like I can't really fight with her because she got some AWESOME painkillers when she went to the orthodontist so she's good for that. So what was I talking about? I might have to go to the apartment in NYC just to get away from her. Plus I've been solving all the problems this one friend of mine has and frankly, she has so many problems that I get tired of typing some nights because she lives in NYC so I'm fixing her life via email and IMs and crap like that. My fingers are killing me, like I think I have corporal chunnel or whatever. Some days it is hard to be so awesome. Like people want to live with me while their free-range bones settle down and other people want my awesome advice about relationships and jobs and crap that I don't even have. It's exhausting.

OMG, I totally got sidetracked talking about myself that I forgot to talk about The Incredible Hulk Hogan and his daughter Brooke who is not my houseguest, that's a different Brooke or Brookie -- it's super confusing. Anyway, did anyone see those pictures of The Incredible Hulk rubbing tanning oil on her butt? That was weird. Why would he do that? I mean, it's awesome that he's worried about skin cancer or whatever, but why was he touching her? My daddy hasn't even hugged me since I was like 4, much less applied a SPF to my butt. There's just no need for that. And not because I like to be awesomely tan, but because your butt falls into the parts of your body people shouldn't touch unless they buy you dinner or drinks first. My nanny taught me that.

Today is Houseguest day!

2008-04-27T10:43:00.004-05:00

So this morning, I was all resting with Mr. Cat in the master suite but I could hear people screaming outside. So at first I thought maybe we did have a tornado and it was people waiting to be rescued or something. But it turns out there was some Fun Run going right past the gate to The Compound. Although I don't know if you can really call it "fun" when it's raining. That does not sound like "fun" to me.

Knute has gone to the airport to pick up Brookie, he's furious because she told him last night that she wants a Rascal to ride around in and I was like, "If Brookie wants it, you better get it." Now that I think about, I was thinking that he was furious with her, but I bet he's furious with me. Plus I think he wanted that tacky necklace that I gave to Katrinka. Anyway, so Knute was on the phone all morning (and I should know because he woke me up) and I guess he found one judging from the amount of cussing going on. The good news is that we have the Range Rover to ride her around in and she won't be able to get her leg into the Maz so I don't have to take her anywhere because I still totes can't back up in the RR. I hit another tree like a month ago and Knute told me not to drive it anymore. I think it's just because he wants to drive it. Which is fine. Although we did end up losing the tree, so maybe he's got something there.

Projects

2008-04-26T22:34:00.005-05:00

It looks kind of like a ring, but it's a bracelet and guess what? Daddy's going to buy it in his first step of The Make It Up To Cupcake program. I gave that necklace to Katrinka and she was real happy, but I don't know where she's going to wear it because she doesn't go out much.

So we are about to have a tornado here in Austin. The TV is all about it on every local channel. Not that I ever watch TV that much, mostly it's just by accident. Even though I have a totally awesome media room. It's partly underground so I guess that's where we'll all go when the tornado comes. Knute is freaking out because of the tornado and the houseguest we are about to have. I love having guests but only when they stay in the guesthouse. I don't like having them actually IN the house. Member Bucky? He was out there forever, but I'm pretty sure he's gone, so that's where we're putting our guest.

So my friend Brookie broke her leg when she fell offstage drunk the other night. I'm all like, "That's what you get for being drunk on stage." She was feeling really bad since the doctors in the mergency room thought she had a substance abuse problem (she does) so they wouldn't give her any pain killers. So she's doing really bad. She was all texting me and going, "Do you still have the hippo tranqs?" I'm like, "Those are long gone!" Turns out she's out of the show because of her leg, so she's going to come to The Compound to heal. I know she just wants some drugs, but whatever. It's been super-boring here lately, so a hopped up musical theater actress might be hilarious! Too bad I already gave Katrinka that ugly necklace or else I'd give it to Brookie. She'd probably wear it. We met in rehab one time. Did I mention that? What up, Brookie???

WTF?!!?

2008-04-25T20:01:00.004-05:00

I sent Daddy's secretary, Vanessa, a picture of that necklace I found in DC and told her to tell Daddy to buy it for me. Well, that was like Monday and today THAT came in the mail. Like I'm gonna wear that! The other one was super-cute, just like one blue rock with some little rocks around it. Very cute, but this thing? Seriously! I'm not going to wear that. I think I'll just give it to Katrinka.

I called Vanessa and I was all, "What is this?" And she goes, "Isn't it gorgeous? It belonged to the tsarina." I don't even know what a tsarina is but I made her spell it because I knew I was going to have to write about what a totally huge disappointment this is. It sounds like a mammal that lives in the ocean, like a porpoise or something. "I was on the ferry when I saw the tsarinas frolicking in the waves." Or something.

When I saw the velvet box I was like, "Yay! The Bob Hope Diamond!" But no. So now I'm looking for a watch because I need something cute to wear. Plus, Daddy's going to buy it because he didn't get me what I wanted. I might need a new house too. Maybe in London. Or Spain. Or somewhere awesome!

What the hell is Earf Day?

2008-04-22T21:00:00.003-05:00

This is a picture of a flower near the house in DC. I think it's a peony. It was really pretty, if you like that sort of thing.

I posted it because today is Earf Day. I don't know what that means but I think you are supposed to plant something or some crap like that. I hate nature though, so I figure putting a picture up is doing my part.

So Gus has taken off the week. So me and Knute have to cook our own food. Which sucks, totes. We had cereal tonight for dinner. Knute knows how to cook but he won't. That's because he's still mad at me for letting Olga put him in the basement. Whatever! I'm scared of her too!

Me and Rhett went to the ghetto. Not in Poland though.

2008-04-21T17:02:00.005-05:00

That's the house on Logan Circle, pretty cute huh? My room is on the other side of the house, but you can see Knute's window in this picture. Olga, the housekeeper won't let him have a guest bedroom, so he has to sleep with the servants in the basement. Isn't that hilarious? She's a terror! Rhett is scared of her, but at least she let him stay in one of the bedrooms!

So I was just taking a nap a little while ago and thinking all the fun stuff we did, like ride around with Mac and eating at Ben's Chili Bowl with the poor people. That was hilarious. We went to the ghetto! Mac said that Logan Circle was the ghetto for awhile and that was when Daddy bought the house. The only thing I don't understand is this: When we were at Ben's Chili Bowl eating poor people food, I didn't see any Jewish people at all, they were all black. I know that Jewish people live in ghettos because me and Rhett went to the Holocaust Museum. It's super confusing! We were standing in line at the museum and me and Rhett were talking about the Holocaust and I told him about how I accidently went to a couple of other Holocaust Museums and they are not really hilarious at all. But Rhett was determined to go. He was all, "Everything I know about history I learned from musical theater." So I was like, "ok, whatever." We did that whole museum and it took like hours. There were people all over there and it was super complicated. All I know is that it makes me sad for Grandmamma who got sent away from the ghetto and didn't get to eat poor people food during the Grate War. I have no idea what any of that means, and Mother told me not to talk about it ever, so don't tell anyone.

Anyway, me and Rhett snuck out of the house around midnight and walked up to U Street to eat poor people food and let me just say, there were LOTS of poor people up there. There were people sleeping on the sidewalk. I don't know why they are so tired, but they should go home! It's not dignified to sleep in public - just last Lindsey Lohan!!! Anyway, when we got back Mac and Olga were furious that we went up to U Street. I was like, "I am not scared of black people, Mac! I mean obviously!" What could he say, he's black! And I'm not scared of poor people either because they do good stuff like mow lawns and stuff or whatever. Maybe that's why they are so tired.

Some More Stuff About DC

2008-04-21T13:27:00.003-05:00

DC was fun, but I'm always glad to get back to The Compound. For reals, I might be a hermit. Anyway, me and Rhett had a awesome time, even though I am super-pissed! On Saturday, Rhett was doing two of his shows, so I was all by myself. So Knute suggested some places and I wasn't listening so whatever! Anyway, we went to this store called The Museum of Natural History where I saw this cute little number. It was in a glass case and I called the clerk over and said I wanted to buy it. That clerk just laughed at me. I was like, "Do you know who I am?" And he just goes, "It's not for sale." And I was all, "Everything is for sale." Well, he kept saying he wasn't going to let me buy it and then he told me to "move along". I was like, "Oh no you didn't!" Well, I guess Knute heard the commotion (I think he was shopping in the dinosaur section, I was like, "We are not putting that fucker in the foyay, in case you are wondering!) so he came running and was like, "This isn't a store! Nothing is for sale." So I was all, "THEN WHY DID YOU BRING ME???" I don't know why people kept refusing to let me shop on this trip. So I didn't get to buy that diamond, but I still want it. I bet Daddy could get it for me.

The only good thing about this trip was seeing Rhett and how cute the house is. Plus I totes forgot how much I love all the people in his show. Particularly Furious Trousers - his pants still make me totes enraged - but he is super sweet. In fact, I didn't really even notice his trousers so much this time. Then there is Brookie. She is a mess, I totes love her. (What up, Brookie?) She is like the main person in the show and she is all singing and dancing and crap like that. I am like, "Whatever!" Who has time to be doing that? I am super-busy! There is a new person in the show who totes confused me. It's name is Katie and after the show I was sure it was a girl, but then when it met me, it said something about being a tranny so now I am super confused. It looks like a girl, but the good ones always do...

Anyway I am confused. I think I have the jet leg because I am super tired. More later with more pictures!

THIS IS NOT A MALL, PEOPLE

2008-04-17T18:43:00.003-05:00

I have no idea why our nation's capital is all crazy with the false advertising, but I am OVER it already.

First of all, I found out that damn pope is in town. I don't know what that is, but it seriously screwed up traffic. Then I decided to swing by Jenna's Mom and Dad's house and this old man in a dress was all telling me I was going to hell. I was like, "Who the fuck are you?" And he was all, "I am Benedict Arnold" or something, which I know is a damn lie because that guy died like way back in the 70s. So anyway, I was totes over him until I caught a glimpse of his FABULOUS red Prada loafers and I was all, "Perhaps I have been hasty." Because any tranny who can pull off red Prada pumps is ok in my book. So we ended up talking about shoes and shit like that and we are totes best friends now. He was playing baseball or something (I wasn't listening whenever he talked) so he couldn't go play with us today.

So when I got in yesterday, Rhett was already at the townhouse on Logan Circle - super cute, too! I haven't been here in awhile and Daddy's had some work done to it. The fourth floor looks especially cute and the rooftop garden looks way better than last time. Anyway, so Rhett is doing his little show and so I decided to just go downtown to see the theater and whatever and I ended up staying to watch. It's cute, you should go for reals, fans in the DC area. Ok, first of all, I sat with the light guy because I was too bored to bother buying a ticket and I swear to god, I thought that guy was going to molest me. He has issues! (What up, Paddy!?) After the show we got back to the house and Daddy's driver, Mac, was sitting in the kitchen. I love Mac, he's been around forever. So Mac was all, "Where do you kids want to go tomorrow?" And Rhett was all, "Everywhere! Georgetown, the river, the mall" and I was all, "The mall!?" I totes wasn't thinking about shopping until Saturday but like I am always up for a spree. So this morning, Mac is waiting with the car and we're supposed to go to the mall - there is no mall. It's a bunch of crap. No Nordies, No Neiman, No NOTHING. I have never been so bored in my whole entire life. We did eat at a cute place in Georgetown. The hilarious thing is this: Just outside Austin is a town called Georgetown. Isn't that hilarious?

So anyway, Rhett had to do his show again tonight and I didn't want to see it so I went back to the house, all the gays were out walking their little rats in Logan Circle and letting them poop everywhere and sniffing butts (the rats, not the gays). Anyway, I decided to go over to the park just to sit for a sec and of course, I was totes swarmed by well-groomed men in fabulous shoes with rats on leashes. So I was signing autographs and posing for pics and who comes tearing out of the house but Knute! I was like, "SMOOCHES!" I was sorry Knute wasn't around today because he would have found me a Armani store or something in that stupid mall. This is precisely why I prefer boutiques. Anyway, I was glad to see Knute and he has a whole itinerary for us tomorrow. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am all about history and shit, but I just want to get my shop on.

The pink trees are real pretty here, though.

Crap!

2008-04-15T20:18:00.001-05:00

Knute says NO PYTHONS. Crap.

Damn, you guys!

2008-04-15T19:43:00.004-05:00

Did you know these little effers could get into your house and chew up stuff like electricity? So yesterday, I was totes looking over the list that Knute made for me of stuff to take to DC with Rhett and suddenly - BAM! everything went off: lights, tv, computers, stereo, ipod, A/C, blender, microwave, dvd player, - why did we have all that shit on? It's crazy! Anyway, Knute goes to check the "braker box" and then I heard him scream like a little girl! Me and Gus went running and found him just freaking out at the braker box. Apparently a rat got in and shorted everything out. That rat was like crispy! That rat was seriously despondent. I was like, "Ummm, does that mean that we can call The Hot Network Guy (THNG) again?" So anyway, now Knute has to stay in Austin at The Compound while I go to the townhouse in DC to meet Rhett. Once everything is all fixed, Knute will come on. But see, here's the thing, I'm thinking that if we keep having network problems THNG is never going to be able to ask me out because Knute says they probably have some kind of no-dating-customers rule and while all this is going on I can't date him. So somebody needs to tell the rats to stay out of my braker box because that guy is HOT.

So anyway, I'm going to DC and I may be way too busy being fabulous to write anything for you people, so don't freak out, kay? I'll write a ton of stuff and post some pictures and whatever we I get back.

OMG! I just had an awesome idea, I'm going to get a python, because I've been wanting one for awhile, and put it by the braker box. No rats will try to sneak past a python to kill themselves. I mean if they are all suicidal or whatever, they will just go to the python and I can date THNG. Let me go tell Knute to do that before he comes to DC.

Hellow Hotness

2008-04-10T18:01:00.003-05:00

I would have written last night but I was too drunk to type. Me and Jessica went out and had a bunch of drinkies. That was fun, and then I was supposed to have dinner with Waff and Jessica wanted to come because she had a date she wasn't all that fired up about. So we met up with Waff and of course he was fun because he always is. But then Jessica's date came and it got weird. Me and Waff were like, "We never act like that." Seriously. The more I know other people, the more I love my friends because they are awesome.

But that's not the hotness, here's the hot thing: Network Man.

Network Man.

It's totes weird to give some hot guy your number and not have him call right away. I'm thinking he will definitely call tonight because it's almost the weekend and I need to commit soon because the offers keep pouring in and I don't want to hold a slot for him if he's not going to call, you know? But like if he doesn't call that will be just weird, because they always call and I know he liked me and HELLOW I'm Cupcake. He came back yesterday to finish working on The Compound and I was like, "hellow." There was this little part of me that thought maybe when I saw him again I wouldn't think he was so hot, but he still was. That is crazy to me. Also, he didn't finish AGAIN and said he would come back next week but I'm going to be gone to DC so I hate for him to be disappointed because I am awesome like that and super-caring.

STOP CALLING!

2008-04-08T20:17:00.004-05:00

Sheesh!!! Ok, the person with my fan from Saturday was not a midget, he was a child. I'm sorry already!!! Plus I guess you aren't supposed to call them "midgets" - especially when they are kids. It's super confusing.

I wouldn't eat a kid either, just you know.

Man Magnet, for reals!

2008-04-08T17:04:00.002-05:00

So yesterday, something went all crazy with the computer network in The Compound, which I totes know NOTHING about so I'm not even going to say anything about anything. Anyway, Knute called somebody and they sent out this guy who was hot to fix it. Normally, I wouldn't go for a guy with dirty hands, but holy crap you guys!!! He was gorge. Tall, smiley, funny. Normally I do not give out my real phone number to civilians or whatever but he was so cute I was like, "Let me give you my number in case you think of anything you need." (I was totes not thinking about computer network "needs" if you know what I mean!) Anyway, he has to come back tomorrow and I am like all thinking about what I'm going to wear and crap like that. He has to go into the attic, which of course is traumatic for me and even more so for Knute because of that abduction thing or whatever, but I'm already thinking about errands I can make Knute go do while the hot guy is here. The last thing I need is Knute mooning around when I'm trying to get my flirt on, you know?

My faithful readers or whatever will know that I'm been in like a dry spell after me and Paris made our vow of charity (although that whore totally did not keep up her end of the bargain - for reals! I was seriously all about it and I think she just did it for the publicity.) Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, so when Erica cut my hair awhile back, she said my bloggy thing was funner when I was a whore. And I got to thinking about it and she is totes right! Plus I was having way more fun!!! So the first thing I did was call my vet friend and he gave me some polar bear diet pills - which are AWESOME, by the way - and that really just got the whole thing rolling. I think they like changed my chemistry or something because this last weekend I had 5 people ask me to do stuff! Of course this was before Hot Network Man. Now I'm like, "How can I juggle all my fans and stalkers and a Hot Network Man?" Is it possible to be TOO popular? I don't think so, really. I mean, it's all about choices and I am definitely pro-choice.

The funniest picture I've ever seen in my whole entire life

2008-04-07T19:10:00.001-05:00

Don't eat monkeys, people!

2008-04-06T01:25:00.004-05:00

I have no idea what the hell I did tonight. I think I ate one of these effers, but I'm not sure. The thing is, we were at some festival and the place we ate was like serving squirrel and frog and raccoon. Who the hell eats raccoon? They have little hands!!!

One of my fans took me to this Louisiana festival thing and I have to say, if they eat cute animals with little hands in Louisiana then I definitely don't want to go there. My friend Jenn lives there and that makes me scared for her! She's probably eating rats and mice and gawd knows what out there. I have a raccoon that lives down by the fish pond and I wouldn't eat it. That would be like eating Mr. Cat! What other animals have little hands? I think monkeys have hands. I wouldn't eat a monkey either. It just seems rude. Like I'll totes eat something with fins or hoofs or something. But hands are just a little too close, you know?

Anyway, it was mostly fun. My fan had a midget with him. I don't care for midgets, they make me nervous. I wouldn't eat a midget either, they have little hands.

Rules about underpants

2008-04-05T08:52:00.004-05:00

Gus says it's not "appropriate" for me to sit around in the house in my underwear. Like for instants, right now, I'm sitting in the media room in a T-shirt and my underpants. I don't understand what the problem is. He made me leave the kitchen where I was sitting on one of the barstools, drinking coffee and talking to him about last night.

OH! I just had an awesome comeback come to me. I just now went back into the kitchen and I go, "I bet it's ok with you when I sign your paychecks in my underpants." He just looked at me and goes, "Don't even talk like that, you don't sign nothing." GAWD that pissed me off. Because he's right, of course, I don't sign his checks. It's a computer in New York or somewhere.

So anyway, he made me a egg because I woke up starving because I forgot to eat dinner last night. Which reminds me, you know what's gross? Drinking a beer, then chewing gum and then coming home to The Compound and drinking milk. I can't recommend that because it was nasty. Which is weird because beer is good, gum is awesome and milk is good too. You would think it wouldn't be gross together but it seriously is. So I forgot to have dinner last night and I woke up with a headache and now Gus is being weird but my egg was awesome.

I went out with one of my favorite fans last night. He's really funny and good-looking, so at least that part was fun. The only thing wrong with him is that he's super-smart, even smarter than me. Most of the time I have no clue what he's talking about so I try to look smart and really thoughtful. Last night, I was totally thinking how awesome my black patent leather peeptoe pumps are and then I realized he asked me something I needed to answer and that was a little awkward. Luckily, he spent most of the night staring at my boobs, so it all worked out!

Can you really have too many gays?

2008-04-02T19:50:00.005-05:00

I think all my fans and friends know how much the gays love me and I am all super-gay-friendly, but seriously yesterday was a little too gay, even for me. I had an interview over lunch with a semi-famous gossip-blogger that I know you all know. He's hilarious and I totes love him. Sometimes, when I'm mad at someone I like to call him and give him tips. The best thing about him, besides being hilarious, is that he tells everything! I mean everything, stuff he doesn't even publish! I love to hear who all's going to rehab and making plea-bargains and crap like that. He's the bomb.

Then I had dinner with three of my favorite gays at the cutest place but there was a lot of "Oh LAWD"ing going on. Also "HOKAYS". I had a very cute drink that might be my new signature beverage for the spring: Pomegranate Cosmo. Awesome! Anyway, I was on my way back to The Compound and I was thinking about how you can actually have too many gays and how the only person there who was talking about stuff I would want to write about is actually a straight girl and she told me I can't write about her because it would cause "too many problems" for her and I know lawsuit-speak when I hear it. So I'm not going to write about what a whore she used to be. That's too bad, too, because it's some good crap. Maybe I'll just call my gossip friend and tell him although he won't care because she's not even famous.

What was I talking about? Oh yea, all the gays. There were gays at the next table who were DYING that we were there and taking our pictures and falling all over themselves. That was boring. Early on, there was a table of two gays and a ugly woman and they weren't even trying to pretend they weren't DYING we were there and they were just staring at us and listening to every stupid thing we were saying. That was super-boring. Then at some point in the dinner, I guess the birthday boy was mad that his presents weren't better because he took out his phone and started reading his texts. That was the most boringest thing I have ever had to listen to in my whole entire life. At first we were all being polite and pretending to care, but then after like 20 minutes I started going, "This game is boring. Let's play a new game." Even Squirrel was agreeing with me and he has to be nice! But the birthday boy just kept on, so I started telling a story to Squirrel and Squirrel's friend and then it got super-ugly because Phone-Boy got mad that we weren't paying attention to him and there was some slapping between me and him and maybe some sparkling wine might have gotten thrown. I'm pretty sure there were some pictures taken and not by his cell phone so I'm just waiting for a call from Daddy's lawyers. They totes told me to keep a low profile while the suit over the Oscar-blogging is going on and I've been seriously trying, but it is hard, you guys! Especially when someone is pouting!

Then I got back to The Compound and Knute was pouting because I didn't take him along but Edgar says I need to establish some boundaries with him which is going to be hard since he does all my waxing.

Wait, what? Part 2

2008-03-30T11:02:00.003-05:00

Holy crap, that ugly girl is back on the TV. I think that might be all that's on. Ever. I don't know why that ugly girl is wearing a scarf on her head all the time. I haven't seen that on the runways or in any of the trend reports, so I'm definitely not going to bother buying any scarfs. Plus that girl is totes wearing a girdle and there is no way I'm wearing a girdle. I mean, it's not like I need one, I don't think.

I just checked with Knute and he says I definitely don't need a girdle. So that's good news. He said that ugly girl is a guy but I know he's just making that up to confuse me. There is no way a guy would go on the TV wearing that much make-up. Unless he was a girl. So I think he's definitely a girl. And a lesbertarian girl too.

Some of my fans have been sending me messages wondering about Mr. Cat. He's fine. Right now he's sitting in a box that Prada sent me some shoes in. I don't know why he likes to sit in boxes so much but he's totes into that. Last night I think he slept in the box. Maybe I need to try sitting in a box because Mr. Cat seems real peaceful all the time. Mostly he sleeps and that is super-peaceful.

I just went and told Knute I wanted a box to sit in. He was organizing all our receipts to give my tax person and he just looked at me like I was crazy or something. I'm like, "I want to be peaceful like Mr. Cat." So Knute goes, "What are you talking about?" I was all, "He just sits in that Prada box and it's like awesome. I need to sit in a Prada box." So Knute just sat there for a minute, it got kind of awkward with him just staring at me and me going like, "What?" He just shook his head at me and goes, "I don't even know what to say." So then I was like all reminding him about my total quest for inner peace. Or inner piece. I'm not really sure. I was like, "Remember my life coach?" And Knute goes, "Which one?" So I go, "Remember my fung shway dude?" and Knute goes, "That was a disaster." "Well, yea, but I was like into it until he totally rearranged my whole house!!!" Anyway, we totes ended up fighting and that was not helping my inner piece. So I just went back to the master suite and sat on the floor with Mr. Cat and tried to be cool.

My life is seriously hard you guys!

Wait, what?

2008-03-27T19:32:00.003-05:00

Oh. My. God.

So last year, I accidentally was watching TV and I found a show about this super ugly girl who was living in a house with a bunch of whores and strippers and it was totes confusing because I guess they were all lesbertarians because they were always making out and getting drunk and fighting. It made me feel icky. Well, I was accidentally watching TV tonight and that ugly girl is back with a whole different bunch of whores who are wearing swimsuits are bras or something and nothing else. These whores are more drunker and more stupider than the other ones. I think it's new whores, but it could all be the same ones, maybe it's just reruns. TV is super-confusing sometimes. That girl, Bret, wouldn't be quite so ugly if she didn't wear so much make-up. I am all about being natural.

I've pretty much decided to get another nosejob. I mean, I'm so bored I got to do something. Knute tells me to just wait because Washington with Rhett is coming up quick and soon I won't be so bored, but I'm just not sure. He says I gotta wait until after the trip because they won't let me fly with a nosejob, which is crazy because everytime I fly I fly with a nosejob!!! Actually TWO! Sometime I think Knute just makes stuff up to confuse me.

Could My Life Be More Boring?

2008-03-24T20:35:00.003-05:00

So I was just rereading my last post and like I was all, 'What?" I hardly remember any of that! Me and Scar aren't fighting anymore, we went shoe shopping on Saturday, so of course we're ok.

My deposition went fine since I couldn't even remember anything! I was all, "I dunno!" to almost every question! That's so hilarious.

My new stalker is totally boring.

My friend Jenn got a herself a friend she's calling Waff which totally enrages me because I had a Waff way before she did and I don't know why everyone has to try to be exactly like me! It's so boring! Meanwhile my "friend" Waff is texting me and calling me "old" and "poopypants" and some crazy stuff like that. I have no idea what the hell is going on with him. Maybe he's gone crazy. Or he's smoking something. Or both.

My friend TS (notice how I didn't put "friend" in "quotation marks" like I did with "Waff") as totally disappeared. Like that movie where the guy gets sucked up by a alien ship! Maybe that was a Simpsons episode, I don't remember. Anyway, if you see TS, tell him I said to drop a celebritard a line, kay?

What else?

Rhett's got a birthday coming up. Something fabulous, I'm sure, I'll let you know.

Other than that my life is totally boring! Totes.

Am I Done Blowing Your Mind? Not Even!

2008-03-18T20:05:00.003-05:00

So me and Rhett are going to Washington DC in April. Don't ask me why. I mean, I was looking on the interweb and it looks totes boring. But he's going to be there with that little show he does and I am all about being supportive or whatev and plus I have some fabulous new Jimmy Choos I want to wear and since Austin is such a hippy town, I hardly ever get the chance to dress like a real person. What was I talking about? Oh yea, Washington. Rhett was like, What are we gonna do there? And I was all, "Drink and be fabulous. I bet they have shopping and crap like that there." Mostly it looks like a bunch of super-boring things like museums and graves and crap like that. Knute says I should get some culture, and I am all about culture so what the hell? But I am not going to go to any museums or crap like that, that's not how you get culture! I have a black friend and she was telling me about going to eat something called "sole food" I was like, "Sure!" Then she was like, "I wouldn't send you there because it's in the getto." Well, I don't know what a getto is but as you all know, I am all about food. So I made her tell me where it is and me and Rhett are going to go. I also need to look for a place to get good cupcakes because me and Rhett always have a hilarious time eating cupcakes in various metropolitan areas.

So I'm back in Austin, I guess I said that. It's so boring this time of year because it will be like 80F one day and then zero the next! It was like 92 yesterday and tonight it's raining and totes cold. Like how am I supposed to commit to a wardrobe? I should have stayed in Bellgym.

I guess me and Scar are fighting too. I didn't even know it until today when she texted me. I wish people would just tell me so I can at least participate, for reals! I've got to do my dumb deposition later this week - so boring!

AND I have a new stalker. That is way boring, he's obsessed with me. SIGH.

Mind Blowing Awesomeness

2008-03-17T20:57:00.003-05:00

It's true. That's what I am. Or have or whatever. Mind Blowing Awesomeness. I was just solving all of Rhett's problems just now via the chat thingy on here and I was like telling him to get all Zing and whatever and then he wasn't answering me for awhile and I was like "Did I blow your mind?" and he goes, "you always do" and that's when the phrase Mind Blowing Awesomeness came to me. Because I am all about inspiration or whatever. That's why I write this bloggy thing because of my MBA (Mind Blowing Awesomeness). I should rename my bloggy thing. But since I had to get copy rights on it, I guess I can't.

So all of the out-of-town dirty hippies have left Austin, so I'm headed back home. Plus I'm supposed to do that deposition or whatever, so I guess I have to get back. So boring. I was sort of hoping if I just went to Bellgym and pretended it was ok, it would just go away, but it didn't. Usually, I find if I just ignore stuff, it goes away. But I guess that doesn't work for lawsuits.

Does anyone know what my friend TS means about Bellgym sprouts? Sometimes I get furious when people say stuff to me and I don't understand it. Like then I just start thinking about it and when I can't figure it out I just get totally livid. Like I hate that. So thinking is not my thing, mostly. But that makes no sense, since I am so super-smart. I guess my thing is this: I am super-smart but don't want to have to think about stuff. It's part of my MBA. Totes.

Bellgym is boring

2008-03-12T20:51:00.004-05:00

This is my bedroom in the castle. I don't know what all this crap is that Knute has on that little table, but I'm hardly ever in the bedroom because there's no TV in there.

Can you believe there's no media room? Plus there's this stupid Hysterical Committee and they say I can't put a satellite dish on the roof or anywhere on the castle. Can you believe that?

It's SXSW in Austin, so thank gawd I'm not there right now. The whole town will be crawling with dirty hippies. Pretty soon I'm going to have to go home and do my deposition and deal with all that crap. Daddy's lawyers found me here and they are MAD. I can't believe it took them 3 days to find me, they must not be very good lawyers. I mean, it's not like Daddy didn't buy the castle, they have to know about it. How many places can I hide, for reals? Daddy bought all my houses. Don't they keep records?

Bellgym is boring and I can't find waffles anywhere. At least Knute is here so I'm not entirely bored.

My Castle Makes Me Feel Better

2008-03-09T19:26:00.002-05:00

So I went to Luxembourg to see Mims and Thad and then I was totally going to go back to Austin but then Knute reminded me that South by Southwest was starting and everyone knows how I hate all those dirty hippies that come pouring out of everywhere so I just headed over to Bellgym to see my castle again. It is super cute! Right now it's still cold here, so it's kind of boring - and cold. Knute's coming over tomorrow to help me hang out. He said on the phone that waffles come from Bellgym and I didn't even know that when Daddy bought it! It's like karma or whatever. So me and Knute will go look for waffles while he's here and I'm hoping that my deposition will just go away. I mean, I don't want to do that.

I totally forgot about this, it happened before I went to see Mims: I went to get my hair cut by that bitch Erica and she was like, 'You need to get laid." I was all, "!" Who says that? Especially when I haven't even paid her yet! So I was like praciticing some restraint, which I almost never do, so she goes, "Your bloggy thing was funner when you were a whore." I totally didn't know what to say to that. I mean, I've been working on my vow of charity for like ever. And it is totally boring, so I might just stop it anyway. I mean, where's it getting me? Plus that tramp Paris totally didn't even keep her end of it anyway, so why should I bother? All I've gotten out of it is a lot of boring weekends and fewer medical bills. And I castle. I'm pretty sure Daddy bought me the castle because I was being good, but now I have the castle so I can start messing around again.

I can't even think of a title for this crap

2008-03-05T20:57:00.003-06:00

So that's my new car. I'm so bummed out though that I can't even be excited about it. It's just another Maserati, so no biggie.

Daddy's lawyers yelled at me all day. I am like totally sick of it. I just took a panda tranquilizer and I'm hoping that will help. I have a "deposition" in a couple of weeks and now Daddy's lawyers are coming to Austin and they are going to yell at me in person and that just makes me bored. I don't know what a deposition is, but it sort of sounds like "deposit" so I'm hoping it will be some money!

PLUS I just found out that this weekend, the weekend I'm going to Luxembourg to see Mims and Thad, there's some crap with the clocks and we are supposed to reset our clocks and I'm going to lose a whole hour of time I could have been visiting with them. Thad says it's crap and all made up anyway and that not only that but I should stay in Luxembourg and not go back and that way I wouldn't have to deal with the stupid lawsuit anyway. So I am seriously considering it. I might just go to Bellgym and not come back. I have a castle there, you know, in Bellgym.

This might be "depression". I accidentally saw a ad for depression on the TV this one time - I don't think anyone would want it, so I don't know why they advert it like it's something you want -but there's a egg or a bubble or something and it's all sad and not bouncy at all, then it takes some drugs and it's bouncy and stuff. I think I need that. I had Gus make me a egg for dinner but I'm still depressioned. It wasn't like it was bouncy or anything. In fact, even a boiled egg doesn't bounce, so now I'm depressioned and confused.

GIANT SIGH

2008-03-04T21:15:00.004-06:00

That's just another awesome pair of shoes I own.

So today, me and Knute were out and about car shopping because the other day I was thinking about the Maz and I realized that I'd owned it for like two years and that's my limit, so I was looking for a new car, but first I have to have something sparkly, and not like those shoes! So we were walking out of Bailey Banks and Biddle and there was a guy standing there looking all like peppy like my fans and stalkers all do. So he comes up to me and calls me by name, so I'm like sure he wants to take a picture and get a autograph, because he handed me something to sign, so I go, "yeah?" and he goes, "You've been served." Well, I totally hated that movie so I was all, "Ew! Why would you say that? I didn't even have a cameo in that piece of junk!" Well, I guess he was actually working for those effers at E! The Entertainment Network Lawyers because what he handed me was a LAWSUIT! So I'm sued because of that stupid live blogging crap. I am so mad!!! I was so mad I forgot to buy a new car!

So Knute was all reading it and making all these scary noises and I was going, "What? What? WHAT?" And he goes, "We better call Daddy." So here's the thing, I don't want to bother Daddy when I haven't even talked to him in forever, so I just called his lawyers and told them. They'll tell Daddy and can listen to all the yelling. Like I need that when I'm totally shopping for new car, please! The good thing is that now Knute has an excuse to buy a really fancy scanner. He's been wanting one for I don't know what -- and frankly I just thought about that for like a SECOND and I got a little creeped out and I think I don't want to know what he's scanning besides my lawsuit. ew.

All I know is that I'm going to Luxembourg this weekend to see Mims and Thad and I will be so glad to get away from everything.

Crap!!!! For reals, you guys!

2008-02-28T20:05:00.004-06:00

Ok! Shit! Quit emailing me and texting me and calling me! That's what my shoes looked like at the Oscars! Ok? Now quit asking!

They are awesome, right?

So, get this, those effers said my drunk notes weren't the same as "live-blogging" so they are going to sue me for sure. For me it's about like principles or whatever. And I almost never have principles, so you know this is like HUGE. Like, they didn't tell me how they wanted me to live-blog. They didn't say, "We want you to live-blog during the show." This is like a no-brainer to me. Daddy's lawyers say I should just give the money back because "the entire concept of live-blogging is that is it done in real time." I was like, "Whoa!!! You just blew my mind!" What kind of time is there besides REAL time? Is there like FAKE time? JESUS CHRIST!!! I am freaking out!!!

Ok, I just went to ask Knute about time and he started into this thing he called something like that Australian Airline I will never fly ever again (long story!) and I don't know what Quantus Airlines has to do with time except this one time when I flew them my flight was late, I wonder if that's what he meant...Anyway, he said the Quantus Airlines Theory is that time and space is like a blanket or some crazy shit like that. I wasn't really listening. Because once Knute starts getting all excited with The Crazy Eyes going, I'm like, "There is no way I'm going to understand any of this." Plus I don't see how space could be a blanket because I've never seen a clear blanket and you can totally see through space all the way to stars and crap like that. Unless it's like a invisible blanket. That doesn't sound very warm, you know? How would you ever find it once you kicked it off the end the bed? I am always doing that and then Katrinka is like, "Why you leave your blanket on floor? Pick up!" I'm all, "I want you to feel useful!" Then she says a bunch of stuff in Whatever-Stan is it she speaks and I'm pretty sure it's cussing.

All this thinking is making my head hurt. I don't want to think about time being a invisible blanket and what do kangeroos have to do with time anyway? Maybe the invisible blanket has something to do with fake time, although Knute didn't say anything about fake time, so maybe I misunderstood something from the lawyers. Alls I know is that I'm gonna get sued. Wouldn't be the first time.

Or the last, probably!

Me and Scar are hanging out tomorrow night, so if you see us, buy me a drinky! I'm also looking for my signature drinky for the spring so give me some suggestions. I'd like something green but all green drinks are gross!!!

Oh! Except margaritas!!!

Like I'm gonna know what "live blogging" is!!!

2008-02-25T21:46:00.005-06:00

Ok, so here's the deal, I have a blog. Everyone knows that, because it's one of the most read blogs on the internets. So when some folks were like, "Cupcake could live blog for the Oscars." I was like, "SCORE! I'm gonna write about it anyway, so I might as well make some green." My dress was green by the way, and GORGEOUS! Hellow! There's a sketch of it that the designer - who I'm not mentioning because I am furious at him - sent me. I looked awesome. Ok, so this morning, I'm sleeping off the parties when Yoli calls and is like, "You didn't live blog last night." I was all, "Jeez! I'm sleeping and plus I left my computer in Austin! I'll blog when I get home." Well, it turns out that "live blogging" means I was supposed to write during the show which just seems rude to me. So now they are going to sue me or else I have to return the money they already gave me! Whatever. I'm livid.

I did think to make some notes during the show, which is almost like live blogging, right? Here's what I found in my handbag this morning:

Seacrest is a a-hole

There's some deaf old man screaming at me on the red carpet. I'm like, "TURN UP YOUR HEARING AID, OLD MAN!" Turns out it was Regis!

Who the fuck does Miley Cyrus think she is?

No Vanity Fair after-party which sucks. I'm all texting Scar going, "remind me no VF party!"

Why is everyone wearing red?

Ooo! An open bar!

Evrryeone hates danidle Day Lewis, don';t venene act like you don't.

I athink i did jariver Bardemd thisone tme in speain tsis one time.

Damiela day lewis is aprick, he dont bathe yiou know, whas up wiht the browm shoese ?

skwi laLait ekshte ksk teriathisal

I don't understand most of that last stuff, but if I'm going to try to act like I was live-blogging, this is my arguement. Plus, all this stuff was just from the red carpet and the lobby. Just think how awesome it would have been if I'd stayed sober and actually live blogged!

What winter?

2008-02-17T19:12:00.002-06:00

This is what it was supposed to be like this weekend, but it is literally like 80 degrees outside. Frankly, I'm ready for some winter and pretty soon it's gonna be spring and I will have missed out. Today me and Scarlett were hanging out. Seriously, there is nothing more embarassing than actually going OUT to see a movie and then having a clip for your next movie being shown. Not that I would know since I am not a actress (I am a celebritard), but Scar's movie was like featured and frankly, if I had my boobs strapped down like that, I would be totally embarassed. Edgar suggested I get some friends without substance abuse problems, and Scar still likes to party, but she hasn't been to rehab (yet!) so I guess that's what he means. I'm not really sure. Anyway, she was fun and we did some shopping and went to see some movie about old men and I was totally expecting it to be one of the Grumpy Old Men movies, but there was a lot of killing and scary parts. I was texting Knute during the scary scenes, so I wouldn't have to watch.

Omg, I just got totally bored by my own writing!! That never happens!

Valemtimes Day

2008-02-14T19:35:00.002-06:00

Today was super-boring. I mean, how many roses do I really need? STOP SENDING ME FLOWERS! For reals.

So boring.

I started off this morning with my half-fat half-soy caramel latte with the sans sucre vanilla syrup and a plate of chocolates. Lunch was chocolates and a vodka tonic, in the afternoon I had three Vicodins, a bottle of Chardonney and a chocolate pie. For dinner, Gus made me tacos!!! So I didn't have only chocolate today because I was having poor people food. I love poor people food! Like the more I eat it the more I decide that I don't really like rich people food even though I'm totally rich. It totally doesn't make any sense! For reals! SO the thing about the chocolates was that they were really fancy and with like lavendar from France and whatever and now I have heartburn. So now I thinking that rich people food is no good for me and I am all about poor people food. I had some of my friends send me lists of poor people food and I have never even heard of most of it! Like wtf is "devilled ham"? It sounds scary!!! Also Vienna Sausages? This one time, me and Paris were in Vienna and we were just drunk the whole time so we didn't even eat at all, plus we were both on diets since it was right after Cannes and we ate like everyday anyway, Vienna was boring, so I'm pretty sure I don't want to eat their sausages. What's a "moon pie"? Sounds dirty. Does all poor people food sound dirty or scary? "Taco" doesn't sound dirty. Also corn dogs. Well, that does sound kind of dirty, now that I think about it. Especially since I call my friend Cootch "Dr. Cornhole" don't ask me why, it's a long story. But, trust me, it's dirty!

Now I'm thinking about tacos!

2008-02-12T20:13:00.000-06:00

Dammit.

Are tacos poor people food? They must be since I love them so much. One of my stalkers left me this message on the myspace that had a bunch of pictures of Valemtimes thingies in it and right in the middle was a taco. I was like "!". That cracked me up. So then I started thinking about tacos. Now I'm hungry and I totally wasn't hungry earlier. In fact, earlier I gave Gus the night off so I am totally screwed. The kicker is that since I had the flew, I can't even taste anything so why am I hungry? It's not like if I had the World's Most Awesome Taco in front of me, I could actually enjoy it. Some days life is just not even worth living. Like after the wreck, the doctor was saying no high heels (yea, RIGHT) and now I can't taste anything so no more poor people food for me. I am so totally depressed. Good thing I'll all full of Vicodin so the booze is helping. Not that I can taste it or anything.

Now I'm just thinking about the World's Most Awesome Taco...

I swear!

2008-02-05T20:04:00.000-06:00

So here's the thing. When me and my friend (who will remain nameless) were in that car wreck, we went to the hospital and I guess there were some sick people there or whatever and now I've got something called "The Flew." Alls I can say is I don't feel like flying nowhere. All I'm doing is sleeping, coughing and sleeping some more. It is super boring. I feel like I've been hit by a car and since I've actually been hit by a car, I feel uniquely qualified to say that!!! Anyway, Knute's been making me soup and tea and making me take drugs, not like Sam Lufti is making Brit take drugs - I'm pretty sure these are for the flew, anyway he's taking good care of me and that is sort of super boring. I spent like an hour trying to track down Mother and I finally found her in Fiji with her beauty advisor, Sven, and I was like, "Mother, I'm sick. I have the flew." And she was like, "Darling, I was getting a massage. Can I call you later?" I was like, "Mother, I feel really bad. Can you just act like you care for like 5 minutes?" And she was like, "No, darling. I need to get back to my massuer." So like I just curled up in the bed and went back to sleep. So I feel a little better today which is like, 'yay!'. Because feeling like a car wreck after an ACTUAL car wreck is like totally no fun. It's like twice as bad or whatever, I don't really do math.

Eff! Eff! EFF!

2008-02-01T20:21:00.000-06:00

This is where I will probably be all weekend because I was totally going to go to Luxembourg to see Mims and Thad but Daddy had the plane in Dubai and so I was actually going to have to fly commercial which I'm sure you all remember what happened LAST time I flew commercial and so I totally said I wasn't going to ever do that again. But I totally wanted to go, so I was like, "Whatever." I didn't want to do it but life is full of stuff you don't want to do, but you have to do it anyway. Unless you can get someone else to do it for you, like a PA or whatever.

ANYWAY, I was actually at the airport, waiting, and this pregnant lady came and sat down next to me which is always a bad way to start off anything because those people always want something like a autograph for their niece who's dying or whatever. So I was like all up on my guard but she was ok, she just pulled out a magazine and started reading it. It was like OK! or People or whatever and she got to the page with a picture of me (OF COURSE) and she read it and then looks at me. Looks at the magazine. Looks at me. I start sliding down in my seat and wishing my sunglasses were bigger because I just knew she was going to want to take my picture or talk to me or whatever. But she just keeps looking at the magazine then looking at me. Finally, I was about to crawl out of my skin, she goes, "You should have stayed in rehab." This is how I go when I am all speechless "!". I didn't even know what to say because I was so totally shocked. Like who does stuff like that??? Anyway, I was like, "Who are you to talk? That baby you're about to have might have problems, you know?" Well, it actually turns out she wasn't pregnant, she was just fat and man! was she pissed off! Which is NOT good for the baby. So anyway, by the time the cops finished with us, the plane to go was gone so I had to call Harvey and tell him to come back and get me. So I'm NOT going to Luxembourg. Good thing she didn't go into labor because that would not have been cute!

Correction

2008-01-28T21:14:00.000-06:00

I guess my doctor reads my bloggy thing since she was all calling today going, "You did not break your back. Stop telling people you did and stop giving my phone number to reporters!" Whatever. I guess it's something to do with my disks, which totally makes sense since I hardly ever put them back in their cases. You should see the Maz, I have stacks of them lying in the thing with the thing for your phone. Knute calls it the "hidey-hole" but I think that sounds sort of dirty. Anyway, I don't know what the way I treat my CDs has to do with my back, but medicine is totally complicated and confusing which is why I am not a doctor. Anyway I don't even know how Dr. Beauchamp knows about the way I treat my disks, but whatever she does and she was PISSED.

Frankly, my bed is super pretty and I love it when Knute runs all the way from the door, across the room and jumps on it, it was Diane de Poitier's bed like a thousand years ago or whatever. I totally didn't even know who she was but I guess Knute looked it up and she was boinking some king in France, so that's cool. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Anyway, I love my pretty bed, but I am seriously tired of being in it! It's super red! I never noticed how RED it is.

So I missed Sundance and all the gift tents which just makes me sick, then I missed the SAG Awards last night. I totally don't even know why they call them the "Sag" awards - there were so many fake boobs in that room last night! I was like, "Whoa!"

Oww.

2008-01-27T16:29:00.000-06:00

So here's the thing. I haven't written lately and thanks to all my fans who've been following the story in the tabs and ET and E! who've written and sent presents and stuff. By now, I'm sure you've all heard about the car wreck. I don't know what that homeless guy was doing sleeping on that bus bench, but he was really asking for it by being right out there in the open. Anyway, I think I broke my back or maybe something. Here's the thing, I have to stay in bed, on my back for like ever. I am so bored I could DIE. Not really die like that homeless dude, but die of like boredumb. Normally, I enjoy just lying around, but it hurts so I can't even flop around like I like and PLUS I'm on so many drugs that it's not any fun. Which is totally hard to believe because normally I am all about drugs but these just make me sleepy.

Here's the weird thing, I've had lots of people who have offered to help. One of who is a psychic and she said I have bad harmony in my life. I was like, "DUH!" So then she started talking about some stuff that sort of sounded like feng shui again and we all remember how THAT turned out! But she wanted to talk about unhappiness and shit like that. I was like, "Look, I was totally happy until my friend (WHO WILL REMAIN NAMELESS but you all know who I'm talking about) smashed into the bus stop!" I mean, who rides the bus? Seriously?!!! If that bus stop hadn't been there, we would have been fine.

I hate thinking

2008-01-20T17:11:00.000-06:00

So I think the reason I'm so crabby is that last week, in a session with Edgar, he was like, "Why do you think you are so drawn to narcissists?" And I was all, "I don't know." And he was like, "Do you think it is a way for you to avoid real intimacy?" I don't even have a clue what that means, but it almost has the word Macys in it, which sounds ok to me! Anyway, Edgar made me focus and he goes, "If you hang out with people who only talk about themselves, then you don't have to share anything of yourself." I was all, "WHOA!" At first I was thinking that's not even right, but then I started making a list in my head of people who never ever ask me any questions about myself and it was like EVERYBODY I KNOW. It was crazy. I'm not going to list them here because most of them read my bloggy thing and I don't want to hurt their feelings, although Edgar says they wouldn't get their feelings hurt, so I would be ok. But I am not about being mean or whatever, so I'm not going to list them. Plus, Edgar said if I didn't name them, they would never know because they all think they are super-fabulous. Of course top of the list was the former number one boyfriend (still not capitalized, you will note). But a lot of other people too. So I guess I'll be working on emotional intiMACYS this month which mostly sounds super boring.

All that talk about shopping made me crazy so I went and bought a new purse!

Not even going

2008-01-18T18:30:00.000-06:00

So me and Knute were just talking because I was supposed to have made him a list of whatever I wanted to take to Luxembourg, but I didn't. So he just came in the Master Suite and goes, "Cups, what's wrong?" I guess it's not like me not to want to take a trip. So I was like, "I feel icky." I was actually just lying here on the bed with my head hanging off the edge because sometimes that makes me think better. So he's all like, "Maybe you need to sit up." So I did and then I got dizzy, so Knute made me lie down flat. So then he's all like, "Why are you icky?" And I was like, "I don't know. I just am. I don't even want to go to Luxembourg. I just want to stay here and sleep." So he was all, "Is it the weather?" And I go, "yeeeaaaaaa..." Then Knute is all, "Is it your Number One Boyfriend?" And I could totally tell by the way he said it that he mentally capitalized it, so I was like, "No capitals." And Knute was like, "Huh?" I said, "Don't capitalize it." Well, you would have thought I was totally speaking a foreign language because he looked so blank." He goes, "Capitalize what?" And I go, "Number One Boyfriend." And he's all, "Okaaaaaaaaaaaaay. What are you talking about?" And I go, "He doesn't deserve to be capitalized anymore." Well, I don't see what the problem was, but Knute was having issues with the whole conversation, so I just totally changed the subject. Anyway, we aren't going to Luxembourg, I'm going to stay in bed all weekend and sulk, whatever that means. That's what Knute suggested, he's all, "I bet you'd feel way better if you just sulked." So I'm totally going to do that, even though I don't know what that is. I hope it's like shopping or getting a facial!

Ok, here's the thing...

2008-01-17T20:35:00.000-06:00

I see that all my fans are totally voting to hear more about my number one boyfriend but, as I'm sure you noticed, I didn't even capitalize it - which means, of course, he's gone. He couldn't make up his mind about how fabulous I am, so he had to go. I mean, what else could I do? If he's not 100% all over how awesome I am, he's out. It's that simple.

So I was going to take him to Luxembourg with me to visit Mims and Thad, but since he flaked out, I'm going alone. How sucky is that? I mean, Knute will go, but I was sort of looking forward to having like a trip with a number one boyfriend. I'm not even going to ask any of my other boyfriends. I might not even go at all. I think I might be depressed. This sucks.

I need a panda

2008-01-16T20:28:00.000-06:00

I just saw one of these in a video and I think I need one. I think it's a dog. I don't have a dog. I know I have a cat or a couple of cats, I think. I don't think I have a dog yet. So I'm all like, "Knute, get me a panda-dog. He was like, "Ok! A dog would be fun!." So I was up in my computer room and I showed him the panda dog I wanted and Knute was like, "That's not a dog." I totally don't even care, I just want one. Then he was like, "It's engendered." I have no idea what that means and I don't even care.

Tequila, yes please!

2008-01-12T22:18:00.000-06:00

Ok, so you all know what a super-fabulous friend I am, right? Well, it's true. For instants, one of my friends got hurt today so I took him out for tequila. Lots of tequila. It made me feel better. He wasn't feeling so hot at the end of the night, I bet it was the blood loss, but whatever. They told him to drink lots of fluids at the hospital, so I'm thinking tequila is definitely a fluid.

I was totally thinking if we went somewhere fabulous, with him all bandanged and whatever, I would get some press but he wanted to go to some little out-of-the-way place, so we didn't even get photographed. Whatever. I was sort of glad, because while Mims and I were at Erica's place, I made her mad and she was supposed to be waxing my brows, but she took one whole brow off. I'm pretty pissed at that, because I'm almost sure she did that on purpose. I mean really! How could that be an accident? So I was looking totally lopsided and Knute was just about freaking out - it was almost funny, except I was so mad - then my friend called to tell me he was hurt, so I sort of forgot about my eyebrow. I guess that explains why he kept looking at me so funny over dinner...

If I wasn't so full of tequila I bet all this would make way more sense.

Complaining

2008-01-12T08:38:00.000-06:00

Whoa, I had no idea me having a Number One Boyfriend was going to be such an issue for so many people! I shouldn't have said anything! First Yoli called me and was like, "What the hell is this?" She's like, "With the Britney Meltdown you're not getting any press anymore." So like apparently me being happy in a relationship with one guy is a bad for my image. I'm like, "I can have a car wreck if I need to." She was like, "Too obvious!" So anyway, I had to promise her that I wouldn't talk about him anymore. Which sucks because he's really awesome! Oh yeah, I'm not supposed to say that.

So after Yoli, my fans started complaining. I'm like, "Look, you people don't even know, 'kay?" Being an international celebritard is hard, you guys! It wears me out. I can't be thinking all the time! So now I'm supposed to be really careful about what I write and not mention him or anything.

So.....like.....I got back from Bellgym. The Castle is totally awesome. I have no idea when I'm going back. Mims is on her way from Luxembourg, she should be here in a bit. She needed her hair cut and we both need pedis. I saw on the myspace that Erica was out last night, so I hope she doesn't have a giant hangover like she usually does on Saturday. I think she needs to go to rehab, she has a problem. Mostly the problem is her having the shakes when she's trying to cut my hair. That is a problem. Now, see she's going to read this and be mad when I get there today and we'll probably have a fight and she'll go to jail again and then the tabs will have something to focus on. Let me go call Yoli and give her the good news. She might call the paps for me!

Whatever! Yoli wants "somthing bigger" I'm like, "Whatever!" I am not robbing a bank or killing anyone (not that there aren't some folks I'd be ok with on that).

Yay!

2008-01-09T22:15:00.000-06:00

Bellgym is awesome! I totally love it. I haven't left the castle yet, but I'm sure the country is totally cool. Whatever.

So me and Jenn were going to be mad at one of my stalkers but then she forgot and was nice to him and now I have to be nice to him too. Like what is the point of making a pack if the other person doesn't even pack? That sucks. Now we are planning a trip to Italy. She'll have to pack for that!

I was just talking to my Number One Boyfriend on the phone - he's back in Texas and I was like missing him. But anyway, I was drinking vodka (awesome!) and now I'm tired. I don't know what timezone Bellgym is, but my body is like confused. And of course, I'm about to head back to Texas tomorrow because having a Compound and a Castle takes a lot out of a girl. I mean, it's a lot of work to have all those people roaming around. My Gus in Bellgym in Rene. He's not even a GIRL! Isn't that hilarious? My Katrinka is a old lady named Paulette. She's real crabby so I don't know about that. Her husband, Jean, is the groundskeeper. What's hilarious is you pronounce his name "zhah" Like I can tell his name is Jean! Whatever. And my Knute in Bellgym is, of course, Knute. There are a BUNCH more people in the castle, but those are the only ones I bothered with. There's a whole bunch of people called doughsents and I hope they don't think I'm going to be sending them any dough. They wear vests. Not a good look. I think they are tour guides but I was told not to call them that. Whatever!

Now I am SUPER-CONFUSED

2008-01-08T01:09:00.000-06:00

So my Number One Boyfriend decided the tabs weren't that bad and so we are seeing each other again. Don't look for us in paps' pics though because we are going to be sneaky. Not like Lindsey whoring around Italy. I mean, Italy is totally hot and I would have sex there three times a day, but probably not with three different guys! I mean, totally! That's just de classe. I used to think that meant classy, but then this one time, my governess overheard me talking to Paris about a purse she had that looked like a vadge, and so my governess was like, "You aren't using that word properly." So now I know that it means NOT CLASSY. Or Klassy. I like to write Klassy with a K to mean that it isn't classy at all. It's de classe if it's Klassy.

DAMN that's confusing. My head is spinning.

Oh yeah, I'm in Belgium. Not Bellgym. That's what it sounds like, but that's not how it's spelled. The castle is awesome. Cold, but awesome. I got a hysterical commission too, so I guess I won't be putting in a pool either. Thad will be super sympathetic.

So thanks to all my Potential New Number One Boyfriends, you can stop sending the flowers now. I'm keeping the jewelry, though!

Better!

2008-01-06T11:51:00.000-06:00

So Daddy's secretary Vanessa called me yesterday and I was telling her about how stupid boys are and about my #1 Boyfriend being a DB and she goes, "I have some news that will cheer you up. Go check your email." So sure enough, there was a message from Daddy's real estate guy and Daddy found me a castle! I totally forgot that he was looking. Isn't that hilarious? I was planning to go shoe shopping today because I'm bored and mad. But now I'm going to do whatever I need to do to get ready to go to Bellgym - which I don't care for the name since I hate to work out, but whatever - Daddy's real estate guy says it's even sort of near Luxembourg. So that's awesome, since that flight back with a hangover is way boring.

So the castle is not as big as Mims' but that's ok, since I'll have to hire more staff and that is super boring. I wonder what they speak in Bellgym? I'll get Knute on that.

Here's a picture, it looks really cute, right?

Today after I shoe shop and Knute does all the stuff he needs to do to get me ready for Bellgym, I'm going to meet Biff for a movie and dinner. He's like my #4 boyfriend right now. Although the rankings have all changed after to this weekend. STUPID BOYS. Maybe he's #3 now, we'll see.

BORING

2008-01-05T15:31:00.000-06:00

Ok, I am so totally bored with everything. Like last night I was totally stressed out and I just wanted to go drink with Waff and like relax. But he invited this woman who showed up and she was so boring I thought I was going to die. She talked constantly. It wasn't a conversation, it was a monologue. When I was little, my governess used to talk about being "polite" which I never really bought into because it sounded really boring. But last night I was so bored with that woman that I thought I would give it a try, just to see if it would shut her up. It didn't. Even Waff, who usually talks my ears off hardly got a word in. At one point she went to the bathroom and we tried to have a conversation real quick while she was gone. That was the best part of the whole evening. Then she came back and starting blathering again so we just sat there like mutes. So finally I just got up and said, "I'm leaving." Then my very favorite boyfriend called me on my way back to The Compound because he's decided that he doesn't want to date me because he's tired of the tabs following him all the time. So whatever. I'm super bored.

Dammit!

2008-01-01T22:22:00.000-06:00

This is Mims and Thad's new house. I want a effing castle now.

2008 or whatever

2008-01-01T18:40:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year or whatever people!

I know it totally psychs you all up when I tell you that because that is a personal message from me to you! Awesome for you!

I'm pretty sure 2008 is going to be the awesomest ever. I've decided, so don't argue with me about it. I just got back in from spending NYE with Mims and Thad at their new place in Luxembourg. That is a long flight, you guys, even in Daddy's plane. I should have stayed longer because that is like a foreign country! They speak something crazy there! I couldn't understand any of their help or the villagers nearby. Oh yeah, they have a castle - which is way awesomer than their estate here. Once Knute gets the pictures out of my camera, I'll post them. It was super cold in that castle though! Like I don't know why you can't put carpeting down in a castle! Everything has to be "period" and "hysterical". That is so boring. They couldn't even decorate it the way they wanted because there's some hysterical commission that says yes or no to what they want to do. Like Thad wanted to put up a satellite dish and they said no. I think they said no to the pool too, and Thad was pissed about that. He was telling me about that after we'd been drinking tequila for awhile, so I wasn't really listening. The super-awesome thing about Luxembourg is that no one there recognized me! I might move there myself. Except it's sort of boring not being stalked at all...

What else? Knute wants me to make a resolution for 2008 and I was like, "No." So he was all, "just one? A little one?" And I go, "It's too boring and bourgeois." And he just kept pushing me, so I go, "How about I resolve not to give you a raise this year?" That shut him up for reals!!!

I hope you all have as awesome a year as I'm going to. Not that you will, because my years are always awesomer than anyone else's. But you can try. And wish.

SMOOCHES!!!

SIGH

2007-12-29T21:43:00.000-06:00

So Gus made this awesome pizza for dinner and he was being all nice to me. He was like, "Do you want some ice cream?" And I was all, "No." Because I totally know what's going on. He's feeling sorry for me and I hate that. See, it's been a really hard week for me. First of all, Mother and Daddy came and told me that I'm basically broke. Ok, that's not really true, but I'm not getting any of the Nonnie's billions of dollars. Luckily, Daddy has tons of money and he still loves me, plus he smokes, so he could really go at any time.

The real reason I'm totally upset and why Gus is being nice to me is that Mims and Thad have moved. I don't even have anything else to say. I'm totally sad. I'm so sad that I'm probably going to have to go buy some shoes tomorrow. Rhett being in town hasn't even helped. He kept wanting to know about it last night and I was like, "Can't we just change the topic now?" He was all, "That bitch, did she just move without telling you?" And I was like, "No, I've known for months." So then he goes, "Why didn't you tell me?" And I'm all like, "Why does everything have to be about you?" So then we had a enormous fight in the Chuy's and that was not cute. I don't know why he thinks I'm supposed to tell him everything - especially stuff that actually matters. That's not what friends do! Seriously.

Anyway, I'm so sad that I'm not even bored by all my new stalkers. For some reason everyone's all in love with me again. Not that they ever really stopped but it does seem to come in waves. Some of them are more interesting than others, but really a stalker is a stalker, seen one you seen them all - especially if your security detail has pictures of all them.

Effing EFF!!!

2007-12-27T21:30:00.000-06:00

Holy crap, you guys! I am freaking out. So, as you know, Mother and Daddy showed up the other day, which I thought was for the holiday, but it turns out they had news. Bad news. Super-effing-BAD-EFFING-News. Like I know people who've gotten bad news. Like when Lupe died, that was bad. We were bummed for like days. And when my first PA got hit by that car, that was bad. Especially since she said it was my fault and sued me, so it was bad and it pissed me off. But this news, I don't even know what to do about it, I mean I am like GRIEF-STRUCKEN. Or whatever.

It seems that Daddy's Papa, Nonnie (that's not his name, that's just what I call him) anyway, Nonnie thinks I'm bringing "shame" to the family, so he's rewritten his will so that it all goes to some charity. What. The. Eff.? Kitten is way worse than me and she's Daddy's too! At least I wear my underpants when I go out!

Of course, I inherited almost all of Grandmamma's estate, including The Compound, so it's not like I'm going to be poor or anything. I mean, don't worry about that! But like I always figured that Daddy's Daddy would contribute too. I don't know why Mother's family has to be the only generous ones!

Needless to say, this has totally ruined my whole week. The only good news is that right after they told me, they packed their bags and left, so that was awesome. I told Knute and he was like all philosophicky or whatever and he goes, "We have plenty of money. What are you worried about?" Well, ok, first of all, I'm worried that Knute is saying "WE" have plenty of money. I know what I pay him (I think. I need to check with the accountant) and "HE" doesn't have plenty of money. "I" have plenty. So that's a problem right there.

See, this whole thing is making me think, and you all know how much I hate that.

Holy Shit

2007-12-24T22:54:00.000-06:00

So this morning, I was just lying around and talking to Mr. Cat. And suddenly Knute comes hauling ass into the Master Suite with the phone in his hand. Well, he was freaking out and he knows how I hate that, plus it made Mr. Cat jump off the bed which really pissed me off. That reminds me that this new cat has turned up at The Compound. He's all white and really pretty. His eyes are yellow and he's super lovey. Mr. Cat isn't as excited about this new one as I am. I think I'm going to call him Polar Bear. Isn't that a funny name for a cat?

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, so Knute comes tearing in the door and whispers, "You parents are here." I was like, "What?" And he goes, "They are at the gate." Well, we were freaking out, I don't mind telling you. Turns out Mother and Daddy decided to show up for that holiday that's today or tomorrow or whatever. So I threw on some Juicy Couture (which is totally NOT couture, by the way. I'm pretty sure there's no such thing as elastic in real couture) and scooted downstairs to meet them in the foy-yay. I hate it when they come to visit. It's so like nervewracking. So now me and Knute have to be on our very best behavior which is way boring. Mother was walking all over checking for dust, then she went to the guesthouse to unpack. Meanwhile, Daddy went to the mediaroom and started looking for football. He's staying in one of the guestrooms in the Main House. Mother brought her spiritual guide, Nathan Redcloud, so I guess the yoga dude is gone. Anyway, they are staying in the guesthouse which Gus thinks is funny, but I'm not sure why.

Anyway, Happy Christmas, that's what Knute tells me it is.

Me

2007-12-23T07:51:00.000-06:00

Here's the thing. Apparently there's some sort of holiday coming up. I was lounging around the media room last night and Knute comes in and goes, "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas."

Except he was singing which was not cute. So I go, "What?" Really just to make him stop singing. He's all, "Christmas, remember how we have that tree in the ballroom?" I was like,
Yeaaaaaa." So I guess it's been a whole year since we did all that shit last year. So I go, "Did I shop this year?" And Knute goes, "Of course!" So now I'm bored by Christmas. I might go out today to shop just because, you know, I like to do that.

You know what I don't like? Please who are scared. I'm not scared of anything after all that therapy in the attic. Like I'm not going to go into the all the gorey details, but seriously I'm so sick of people. It's a good thing it's cold right now because if it was warm and people were swinging by to hang at the pool, I would totally go apeshit. I think this time of year you are supposed to be thinking about others, but they make me so furious, I'm just going to think about myself because that makes me happy.

Sun Dried Tomatoes Make Me Furious

2007-12-20T18:57:00.000-06:00

Ok, so here's the deal. On Tuesday, me, Yoli and Knute were out and about doing some stuff. We almost had a car wreck and died. Everyone's ok, but like now I'm thinking about stuff. And you know how I hate that. So turns out that for lunch that same day, we had Italian and I passed on a dish because it had sun dried tomatoes in it. Like why would you dry out a tomato? They are awesome. I can totally see drying a grape (raisin) or a plum (fig) but tomatoes are awesome on their own. So anyway, while the car was spinning around and I was sort of thinking we were going to die, I was going, "Fuck! I should have just told them to substitute fresh tomato and had what I wanted." Not that the gnocchi wasn't awesome, it was. But you guys all know how I love spinach - even after losing Lupe, I still do! So here's the thing, now I'm just thinking about how sun dried tomatoes could have ruined what little time I had left on the world, which really turned out ok, since we just totalled the Range Rover and now I can get a new car!

Also, why are dried grapes "raisins" and dried tomatoes are just "dried tomatoes"? I think they look sort of like a vadge, so you could call them that. "I'll have the polla florentine with vadge." Not that I would do that, since I hate sun dried tomatoes, but you could.

So the other thing I'm thinking about, which I hate, is the whole "What am I doing with my life thing?" (Besides buying a new car! Something awesome, but I don't know what.) Good thing Rhett is in town so I don't have to think for the next couple of weeks!

Boys

2007-12-17T20:34:00.000-06:00

Ok, turns out food banks are all about canned goods, but I was thinking it was just where you put your cans to keep them safe. Not so much. Anyway, we got it all straightened out. Gus isn't mad anymore and Knute finally stopped laughing. He's so weird.

I heard from Rhett today. I thought he was still on tour, but it turns out he's home already for the holiday. I'm super excited, I mean, I don't bother getting excited about much of anything, but I really want to see him. He's awesome. We have all sorts of glamourous red carpet stuff to do for the next few weeks. It will be super boring.

WHAT A WEEKEND, PEOPLE

2007-12-16T21:38:00.001-06:00

Ok, turns out a food bank is where poor people go to get charity. Not like a place for canned goods. Knute had to explain to me. Gus isn't mad anymore

Here's the thing, though, people. My friend Waff, he's super nice and whatever and he told me he was moving this weekend, which is awesome. USUALLY. I love to watch those big strapping guys come load up all your stuff in that giant truck and then they drive away and by the time you are done with vacation in Nice, your house is all unpacked. Love that.

Yea, well, that's not how Waff moved. First of all, I had never been to his old place, so I saw that first and it was like horrifying. I mean he had a gate and all, but once you got inside the gate, it was something called "apartments." Like whatever! We have a flat in London that is kind of like an apartment, but it's 4 stories! This was like 5 rooms. I kept walking around going, "Oh.My.God. Where's the bar? Where's the media room? Where's the library?" I was freaking out!!! Waff was like, "Shut up and help me carry this sofa to my truck." I was all, "What? I don't think so. I just had my nails done." I have no idea what he was thinking inviting me into a place like that. So anyway, I was thinking maybe his new place would be awesome, like on the lake or at least a golf course. No. It's in a neighborhood. There's no gate, no security guards, no nothing. He wanted me to go to someplace called Bed Bath and BeYawned, but I was scared to leave the Maz on the street! Hellow, I'm pretty sure those people were middle class. Daddy says you cannot trust the middle class. I'm not really sure who is middle class but I am terrified of them. So anyway, we went to that bed place because Waff wanted a shower curtain, I was all, "Isn't your shower glass-enclosed?" He was like, "No." I was like, "!" That means I'm speechless as I'm sure you remember.

Anyway, that store was just terrible. It was tiny, there were no personal shoppers and you had a push a cart around. It was almost like the grocery store, only worse. Then he wanted to go to The Target, which was crazy! It has groceries AND shower curtains. I was losing my mind. Finally I was like, "Waff, I gotta go, this is too bourgeois for me!" And I don't even know what that means!!!

Anyway, he suggested a burger and a beer, so that was fine, but now I'm thinking I'm going to have to rethink my whole friendship with him, I mean, if he's middle class and the middle class is the enemy, then I'm pretty sure Waff is my enemy. HOLY CRAP.

This is all very confusing. My head is spinning. I couldn't wait to get back to The Compound. Now I'm sitting in the Master Suite with Mr. Cat and I'm seriously freaking out, people.

Whoa!

2007-12-15T17:08:00.000-06:00

Ok, turns out Gus was NOT happy about me getting him a account at the food bank. I don't know why but he started talking about working hard for every damn cent he makes and he don't need no charity and how I am a idiot.

It was very upsetting.

I go, "Gus, it's a bank! For food." He just turned away from me. Now I'm scared he's really mad and he's a convict people.

Damn People!

2007-12-15T16:51:00.000-06:00

I have been totally busy since the last time I wrote. Me and Mims went to Duran Duran and they were awesome. Turns out they aren't girls but totally old men, which was kinda weird but whatever! We had a blast. Harvey dropped us off at the VIP entrance but when the show was over there were all these yellow cabs outside and we had to walk like a block to find the Bentley. That was super boring. What is the point of the VIP entrance if it isn't also a VIP OUTRANCE?

So Yoli, my publicist, says that I need to "rehab" my reputation. Like we haven't tried THAT before. So anyway, she set up all these photo ops for me this week with homeless people (yuck), sick children (gross!), and like I don't even know what was wrong with some of those people, but it was nasty. I was helping to distribute food to some bank - I don't know why a bank needs food since they are all about money and should be able to buy their own food. Whoa! Now I'm confused big time.

I just called Yoli and she says the bank was a food bank. I'm like, "I should get Gus an account!" She says I can't but I'm pretty sure I can. I'm very persuasive.

Anyway, now I am totally tired and just lounging around The Compound. It's kind of cold and windy so we're going to have chili tonight! I can smell Gus making it downstairs. It smells awesome. I need to go down there and tell him I got him a account at the food bank, he'll be so happy!

Ugly Girls

2007-12-09T21:18:00.000-06:00

So like I just got home from Mims and Thad's house. One of their kids had a birthday. I don't know which one. I just brought an envelope with a couple Benjamins in it. Everyone likes money, right? Even 4 year olds.

So Mims was all excited because some band she loves is coming to Austin, Duran something. She was like, "You wanna go?" And I was like, "I'm totally sure I have tickets to that lying around The Compound. I get tickets to everything." So I called Knute and was like, "You know that band, with the girls?" And he goes, "Bananarama? Vanity 6? Appollonia? Salt 'n' Peppa? Spice Girls? Cheetah Girls? Destiny's Child?" I was like, "Shut up! I don't even know what you are saying!" So he got all quiet and I go, "That band with the really ugly girls-" And he jumps in, "The Bangles? Seriously the only decent one was the lead singer and the others you'd have to put a bag over their heads-" I was like, "SHUT UP!" So he did. I think he's been drinking espresso again. I told him not to do that at night. He'll probably be up all night rearranging the furniture or changing his filing system or something. I won't get a wink of sleep. What the hell does that mean? I mean, when I sleep I close both eyes and a wink is only one eye, so how could you be asleep if you are winking? Some stuff really confuses me.

Ok, what was I talking about? Oh yea, so I go, "Knute. Focus. That band with the really ugly girls, it's called Duran something." And then I thought Knute sucked all the air out of my house. I was all, "Are you ok?" And he totally whispers, "Duran Duran?" I go, "Yes, dang those girls are ugly. Anyway, we have tickets for that, right?" And I hear him digging through his file cabinet and he comes back and goes, "Yes. Four." So I'm like, "Me and Mims are going so don't through them out or sell them on ebay or whatever it is you do with all those tickets I don't use." He goes, "That still leaves two. Can I take Raphael?" (He has a new boyfriend I guess.) So because I am all magnetic or whatever, I was like, "Whatever. But Harvey is NOT driving you. And you have to stay on the other side of the Music Hall. Kay?" He was totally ecstatic. I don't know why, I mean, those girls are ugly.

So boring

2007-12-08T08:16:00.000-06:00

You know what's so boring? The red carpet. I know it looks all fabulous and whatever, but it is boring. The flashes from the paps' cameras make me want to have a seizure, everyone is screaming, "Turn around, Cupcake!" "Let me see the back of your dress!" "Come over here!!!" I know my fans all know that I don't do red carpet interviews anymore after that distaster as Cannes a couple of years ago. Look, I didn't know the french didn't like to be called "frogs." Seriously! I have a frog that lives near the water feature on the property and it is kind of cute, it might be more than one because in the summer, those fuckers are loud! What with the peacocks and the frog and that raccoon with the purse, it's like a zoo here! Or something.

Anyway, I was talking about last night. I looked fab of course. The party was surprisingly fun. Like I was expecting it to be terrible but I actually had a good time. I guess it's because my life is to totally boring that anything is good, even if you have to walk the red carpet.

My Kickass Copper Highlights

2007-12-04T20:28:00.000-06:00

Erica is awesome, it's too bad she's so selfish. I mean seriously, she made me wait until tonight to finally do my highlights. By the time I walked into her little salony thing, I was totally livid. I mean, I just kept getting madder and madder all day long, but I was going to keep my mouth shut until after she did my hair and waxed my brows and then I was totally going to kick her ass. Well, I guess she's scrappier than I thought, even with a broken nose. Bitch can punch, that's all I'm saying. I thought I could take her, but it was bad. I started worrying when she was telling me about her boyfriend getting peppersprayed and she couldn't stop laughing. I was like, "Whoa!" I mean, it was hilarious, but that's the guy she's dating! I mean, I would at least try to pretend like I was bummed out or whatever. Then she got mad because I wouldn't let her put any stuff in my hair and she started acting like a nut and I started thinking maybe kicking her ass wasn't such a good idea. But anyway, the cops had to come AGAIN to separate us which was totally boring. But at least no one went to jail tonight. My highlights look awesome too! I have her a Christmas bonus after the cops left.

Erica Is In Trouble, You Guys

2007-12-03T21:08:00.000-06:00

So like here's the deal. Saturday was sucky and I didn't want to write about it on here because I am like totally mature or whatever and I don't want to make Erica mad because we all know what she did last time she was mad at me. Anyway, she was going to do my highlights on Saturday, but she called me and told me she "broke her nose" and was "too dizzy" to do my hair. Like whatever. What could I say? I was furious. So like all day Sunday I totally expected her to call me and be like, "I'm so sorry, let me do your hair today." Did she call? No. I like didn't even hear from her until I texted her today and was like, "WTF?" Look, I am like super important and if I make a hair appointment, I expect to get my hair did. Nobody cancels on me. I don't care if you broke your spine or whatever. Just cut my effing hair. So anyway, now I have to go late tomorrow and I'm all like, "That is usually when I nap." So it's totally not convenient for me, but I've got a red carpet on Friday and I can't be picky. But as soon as she is done, I'm gonna kick her ass.

Dreams and whatever

2007-12-02T21:57:00.000-06:00

Holy crap you guys! I had a terrible nightmare today. Can it be a nightmare if it's not at night? I mean, I was totally taking a nap so it was afternoon but like it was a bad dream! Maybe that's what I'll call it instead of a nightmare...or maybe a daymare? That sounds like a horse. It was icky, that's all I know. Anyway, I dreamed that every single one of my cashmere sweaters had holes in them. I pulled out my baby blue one - hole. My sky blue one - hole. Pale blue one - hole. My teal one, my blue-green one, my green-blue one, my peacock one. I mean, I could go on and on and on (I have a LOT of cashmere sweaters, it's my signature garment this winter). Anyway, I woke up all in a sweat and had to jump out of bed and run to the closet to see if it was true or not. It wasn't, but I'm thinking no more naps after a plate of Gus' nachos. I'm pretty sure nachos aren't Mediterranean, but whatever. It took forever to check all my sweaters. I know it's Katrinka's fault because she told me the other day that she had a weird dream about my sweaters but I was too bored to ask what the dream was about, so if she dreamed I had holes in all my sweaters, I will freak out.

I just walked over to the servant's wing to ask her about her dream but she's out with her boyfriend who's a total loser, by the way. I think he was in jail over the weekend because she asked to borrow $15,000 and I was all, "Whatever." I know she won't ever pay it back, but since Lupe died she's been way less crazy, so you know, whatever - no big deal. While I was over there, I asked Gus if Mediterranean nachos give you daymares and he just looked totally confused. What a idiot.

The Ballroom

2007-11-30T23:18:00.000-06:00

So I was just in the ballroom staring at my tree. Knute and Gus did an awesome job and I don't usually approve of anything they do - mostly because I don't understand anything they do. One thing Knute did that I was like dying over is the peacocks hidden in the tree. You can't really see them in that picture down there, but there are peacocks all over the tree. I have peacocks here at The Compound and those fuckers are loud. I still think they are super pretty though. I wonder if they make those shock collars for peacocks? I need to ask someone.

So the other day, Edgar took me up into the attic because he said it's not rationale for me to be afraid of my own storage area. I mean, I think that's awesome because I don't like to be scared of any parts of my house, anyway, I found a box up there that had a lot of Grandmamma's stuff. There were pictures and a fancy candelabrum and some tops and stuff. Mostly it was boring, but Edgar almost sucked all the air out of the attic "Cupcake do you know what that is?" He was holding up the candle thingy. I'm all "Um, like a candle thingy?" Edgar just put it down and said, "Cupcake, it's a menorah." I go, "A menwhata?" So then he told me this crazy story about oil and shit and I felt like I'd heard it before, but I was not even listening. Then I heard him say the word jewish. I was like, "Jesus Christ! I think my Grandmamma and Grandpappa might have been jewish whatever THAT means." So Knute was up there too, working on his issues with the attic, and he goes, "They are totally Jewish, they just pretended like they weren't." Well, I was like, "I don't pretend to be anything at all. I just am." Knute is all, "Not you, your grandparents and your parents." Well, I don't have time to be worried about what they were doing or not doing or whatever. I am all equal opportunity like I've been saying for like ever. But those two were acting like it was a big deal so I don't really figure I want to think about it. Because whenever people act like something is a big deal it usually means it's something complicated, so I'd rather not think about it.

I am super smart

2007-11-25T12:23:00.000-06:00

Ok, so last night I went to that party at my super-smart friends' house and it was like crazy! Seriously, I don't understand why being so smart means you have to be so boring. For instants, everyone stood around talking. Like what is that about? No body shots, no dancing, no one puking out by the pool. I'm not ever sure they have a pool. I don't really know why they are my friends, to tell the truth. I don't even think they have PAs. Ewww.

So anyway, yesterday, Knute went out and got our Xmas tree. And him and Gus put it up before I left. When I got home, they had it all decorated already! I was like, "!!!" They put it in the ballroom this year which makes way more sense to me than putting in the foy-yay like Knute did last year. I mean that frigging ballroom is all empty anyway and no one ever even goes in there! I mean, I hardly ever use the front part of the house. Sometimes I forget that all those rooms are up there because mostly I'm in the Master Suite, the kitchen, the media room or outside. Maybe I should start spending more time in the library, the billiards room and the aviary. But seriously, I am not hanging out in that ballroom because there has never been a more boring room in the history of the world, for reals! Except for now, with the tree and all. I think they did a real nice job. It smells nice too.

I'm thinking about having a party this year. I just buzzed Knute and told him that his tree has inspired me to throw a party. See with Knute, you have to butter him up a little so that's why I started off complimenting the tree. Then he's like proud or whatever and he'll agree to anything else because he's totally not listening because he's thinking about how awesome he is. I am super smart! The last time we threw a big party for the holidays, Knute started planning back in June or maybe even earlier. That was soooo boring. So this year, I want to just throw something together that won't be like a big deal. More on this later!!

Thinksgiving!?

2007-11-22T10:26:00.001-06:00

Holeeeeee crap you guys. When I woke up awhile ago, I smelled something awesome from the kitchen so I went downstairs to see what's what. Well, Gus was "all in a lather." My grandmamma used to say that and I have no idea what it means. I mean, he wasn't in the shower, but he was busy! I guess that's what it means. Anyway, there was food everywhere! I go, "What the hell is going on here?" And Gus goes, "Thinksgiving. What the hell do you THINK is going on here?" I was like, "!" Actually, I'm not sure he said thinksgiving. I mean, that doesn't even make any sense. You can't give your thoughts. Right? Although, I guess I sort of give my thoughts with my little bloggy thing, huh? Now I'm confused. I just buzzed Knute on the intercom thing and was like, "What is today?" So he didn't even answer, but I heard him blowing his nose or something honk sounding. (Please note that I did not write HONKY sounding, even though that's a perfectly acceptable word. I do not want to offend my sensitive white friends. Just like I'm super careful to refer to my black friends as "The Blacks." That's what they prefer, I've been told. And I refer to the orientals as "The Asians." Also my mexican friends I refer to as "The Brown Ones." Because I am like super-racially sensitive!!! And International!!!)

Well hell. Knute just came in and was like, "Hellow. It's November. It's THANKSGIVING." I was all, "Well that makes more sense!" I don't know why Gus has gotta make everything so complicated. Just say that. So that means we've got a huge meal today, which will be fun. I think Gus' kids are going to join us too. Which is crazy because I didn't even know he had kids! So it's going to be me, K-nut, Gus, his children, Katrinka and her boyfriend and whoever else stops by I guess. Knute says we have to put up the Christmas tree this weekend, but I don't see how we'll have time if we are eating all that food. It's like CRAZY!

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving or Thinksgiving or both, depending on your religion or color or whatever!!!

Ok, I am confused you guys!

2007-11-20T21:13:00.000-06:00

Crazy! I've been getting messages from doctors and dieticians or dieters or something about how that Mediterranean way to eat is like super good for you. Somebody asked me to endorse some crap or whatever. Like I have time for that! I am busy you guys. And anyway, one of those doctors told me that eating like that Mediterranean diet is the way poor people eat in Europe or wherever the hell Mediter is. So the thing is this: Gus says that awesome new way we've been eating is actually that Mediterranean diet thing. So I was like, "Why is it so expensive to eat like poor people?" Because I accidently saw a receipt from the grocery store and that shit is like costly! Seriously. Who knew cheese was like a luxury item?

So my friend Waff is having a hard time and I was a super awesome friend and all supportive and shit over the weekend. I was like, "I would be my own best friend!" If I could. Not like you can do that, but still. He sure is lucky to get to listen to me being awesome. Especially since I'm awesome right there in front of him. A lot of my fans only get to experience my awesomeness through this blog thingy or emails or whatever.

More Stuff About Poor People Food

2007-11-18T10:21:00.000-06:00

So Gus has decided that we are going to change the way we eat. He wants us to eat the Mediterranean way. At first I thought that meant taking off our shoes and sitting on the floor, but Knute says that's Japanese. So then I was like super confused, because I was already on the floor! Anyway, Gus says eating Mediterranean is all about fresh fruit and veggies and lots of olive oil and stuff like that. I was like, "I don't think so! I want my poor people food!" So I was furious and I guess he backed off for the time being. Last night for dinner, Gus made me an awesome plate of really pretty stuff: tomato, avocado, some nice cheese, little shrivelled up thingies Knute calls "dates" (which is hilarious) and some good bread with some dipping stuff that was awesome, like light green and clear. It didn't even have like a flavor except sort of like a martini garnish. I was totally in heaven because you can eat everything with your hands which everyone knows make stuff taste better, like onion rings. Anyway, I was like, "See Gus, that was awesome! Don't change what we eat! I love poor people food." And Gus was all, "That definitely is poor people food. Greek and Italian peasants!" And I was like, "That's what I'm saying! We don't need to eat that Mediterranean crap!" He was laughing a lot and that makes me happy. His teeth are real white.

F.U.R.I.O.U.S

2007-11-15T19:21:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I was just sitting here in the atrium, minding my own business when my phone rings. Hellow. It's Rhett. Whom I totally love and actually dreamed that I was dating which was weird because he's like my brother so it was freaky. Anyway, he's all calling because that little Broadway show he's in is going to be sort of nearby - BUT NOT REALLY NEARBY - next week and he wants me to come see it. Like I haven't seen it a zillion times and like it's not in a sort of trashy town with a lot of Babtists. I don't even know what that is, but I do know that I don't care for them. Anyway, I totally told him back in August or September or something that I was NOT going to go see the show up there. Well, tonight he's all calling me going, "Everyone is furious that you aren't coming to see the show." So I was like, "Whatever." Then he started listing off all my fans that are in his little show and I was like, "I didn't really know I had so many fans." I mean, I'm not surprised, hellow, but it made me sort of happy to know I have a bunch of fans on a bus travelling around America, singing and dancing like crazy people. So I was like, "Get me a free ticket and I'll get Harvey to drive me up there." So then Rhett is all, "It's too late, I could have gotten you a seat last week, if you'd told me." I was like, "Whatever! I didn't know I had so many fans! Like if you had told me, I would totally have told you to get me a ticket!" So then he's screaming back at me, "Whatever!!! You told me told me you wouldn't come up there." So then we were both screaming at each other and I guess he drove into a tunnel because he's in Arkansas and I guess they lots of tunnels there - which generally I don't find very cute, because of this right here: His mobile phone dropped me. So then I had to be furious until he called me back and we were screaming at each other again and I was about ready to just hang up on him and he went back into a tunnel. I think it was a different one this time. So then I had to wait to scream at him until he called back, so I killed some time buying a ticket online which was super-easy, I don't even know why I've been making Knute do all my online stuff since it's so easy. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, so me and Rhett are furious at each other which is what always happens right before we get together, which is kinda weird. Whatever. It's so boring.

Crazy people scare me

2007-11-13T20:01:00.000-06:00

So lately, I think I might have mentioned that there have been protesters outside The Compound. They've been there for like, ever and it is super boring. So today, I was coming back from the tanning salon and they were there, like they are every day and usually I just wave at them. Sometimes I make Gus take them sandwiches because those people are like serious. And it is awesome to have something you believe in you know? Anyway I thought we were cool, but today when I was coming back home, there was this crazy lady standing in the way of the gate, so i was like, "Ummmm. Need you to move, kay? Thanks!" But she just started yelling at me and I was like, "Whoa!" because she was using some bad words like dropping the F-bomb. So I started inching the Mas up to make her move and she started banging on the hood so I was like, "What the fuck?" Like who acts like that? For real. She had really crazy eyes and I was sort of scared. Like mostly the protesters are pretty cool, they know it's Daddy and not me so they are just there you know, out of like commitment or whatever. So I think that's ok. But I didn't sign up for crazy people. I totally don't know what that means since I didn't sign up for ANY people, but whatever. One of my governesses used to say, "I didn't sign up for this!" I hardly ever sign anything, except autographs. Anyway, I got out my iPhone and called Knute and I go, " There are crazy people outside The Compound." So he told me to go drive around the block which is hilarious since we live on a lake and I don't know how you'd drive around the block unless you had a boat or a hovercraft or something. Anyway I guess he called the cops because when I got back from being lost, they were there and they had the crazy protester lady in handcuffs. So I just waved and drove on in. That was way better.

2007-11-12T20:50:00.000-06:00

Ok, member these awesome peacock satin D'Orsay evening shoes? Today I found a little satin clutch that matches! I am like, "Could life be any better?" Like everything is perfect!

I also have a new stalker. I think he's a drug addict or maybe a drunk, I don't know. I hope he doesn't get all crazy like all my other stalkers do. That is so boring.

So since Mims and Thad are having to move to Luxembourg, I was thinking maybe I could look for a castle there, since Daddy says I can still have one. I think Luxembourg sounds super cute, too. Like "Luxury". And I am all about luxury. Luxuryembourg. I'm pretty sure Luxuryembourg will have some castles because it is Europe and there are castles all over that place, for reals!

Hey, do my survey!

More About Poor People Food

2007-11-08T19:57:00.000-06:00

Member how I used to talk about how I'm really black like on the inside? Well, I've actually decided I must be Mexican. The more I think about the more sure I become. Seriously, you guys! Member Lupe? I'm almost positive she was a Mexican, even though she said she was from somewhere else. Well, I totes loved her. I still miss her. Especially when Gus is making a GIANT pot of beans. I mean, I like a bean as much as the next celebritard, but seriously, he makes huge batches! And I try not to let myself think about why he's cooking in those enormous pots because I don't want to get all scared again. Like I don't know why I've been so scared lately. I need to ask Edgar because seriously, the Big Foot, Gus in jail, those crazy bats down by the lake...everything is scaring me lately. That is totally not like me at all! Normally, I don't even pay attention!

I FINALLY finish my community service on Saturday! Thank goodness! Today, I told Knute to call my probation officer and tell him that I would be late on Saturday because me and Mims have pedi appointments. Knute just looked at me and goes, "No. I'm not doing that." I was like, "What?" And Knute just put his little hands on his hips and goes, "No." I was like, "Give me the phone." So he finally gave me the phone, and I'm all, "What's the number?" So he wouldn't give it to me, but I am like super-smart so I called the 411 and asked for Travis County Probation and they totally gave me the number and so I was like, "I need to talk to Jerry." And so I got his voicemail and I was all, "Jerr, I'm gonna be late on Sats. Smooches!" Knute was like freaking out! "They are going to come take you to jail!" I was all, "Please!" But then the more I started thinking about it, the more I was thinking about racial profiling, which I think is where when you are driving down the road, the cops look at your profile to see what race you are. Anyway, I read that black people and Mexican people fit some kind of profile, so I got a hand mirror and I was trying to look at my profile in the bathroom and that is HARD, you guys! Like I don't look like that! So Knute came in and I was like, "Can you tell what race I am by my profile?" And so Knute just stood there for a minute looking at me like I was like crazy or something and he goes, "What do you think you are?" So that was like a question. I had to think for a bit. Finally, I'm like, "I used to be black, but now I think I'm Mexican." So Knute goes, "What makes you think you're a Mexican?" And I go, "I totally love bean and cheese tacos! Plus I speak lots of spanish and I still miss Lupe." So Knute takes this huge breath and he goes, "You aren't black and you are Mexican. You are a JAP." I was like, "!!!" because I was like super-speechless! I just stared at him for a minute and I totally whispered, "Oriental?" Well, I guess he had a asthma attack or something because he ended up lying on the floor, holding his side. I was super scared! AGAIN!!!! When he finally got up, he goes, "I have to go talk to Gus." So he totally left me and I tried to call Daddy and Mother and Kitten to ask them but no one was answering and now I am freaking out because I know you can tell Oriental people by their profiles and I'm pretty sure I'm going to jail.

OK, I Am Like Furious!

2007-11-04T16:14:00.000-06:00

So I'm super livid right now. Mims and Thad are moving. Apparently, someone saw my post about how I didn't even know they had kids and called CPS so now they are under investigation for neglect or something. Maybe endangerment too, I wasn't really listening because Gus was making some awesome bean and cheese tacos and I love bean and cheese tacos. Gus says I should have been poor since I like poor people food so much. I'm like, "Whatever!" I don't think I would have been a very good poor person because I am like super-picky, just ask anyone! And I'm pretty sure poor people can't be picky, but I don't know for sure. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yea, Mims and Thad and those kids moving away. I guess there's no extradition with Luxembourg, so that's where they're going. Like whatever! That is going to be hard to go visit them because I'm pretty sure that's in Europe and sometimes I'm too bored to go to Europe.

So like, I guess I'm looking for a new best friend. Like who'm I gonna get my toes did with? And shop obsessively with? Mims was always up for that and now I'm gonna be lonely because sometimes I don't want to hang out with Knute. I feel kind of icky right now. I mean, I guess I sort of feel super-icky. Like my chest hurts and I sort of feel like crying and I'm not even hungover! That's usually when I feel like crying. Or when I don't want to apologize to someone I usually just cry, but I don't think I've done anything this time, I just feel icky.

My bean and cheese tacos were good, though.

Kangaroos are a little scary - what's with that pouch?

2007-11-02T21:40:00.001-05:00

So I just decided I'm not even going to think about Big Feet or Chupacabras or aliens or kangaroos or anything. It's just too complicated. Here's what sucks: I've got some more community service tomorrow. I just really want that to be over already.

So I don't know why all my fans aren't filling out the survey! I mean, only 5 people voted and two of them were me! Well, me and Knute. We were reading together because sometimes I like to go back and read what I wrote out loud to Knute so he can tell me how smart I am.

So Daddy called and left me a voicemail about how he thinks the house in the Bahamas might be gone now because of Christmas or something, I wasn't really listening. I heard him talking about Noel and I think that has something to do with Christmas but I'm not really sure. Anyway, he says that he wants a place in Haiwaii. I don't care for Haiwaii, as I think I have talked about totally on my little blog thingy here so I don't need to go into all that again. But I'm totally furious because getting to the Bahamas house was easy and going all the way to Haiwaii will be a giant pain in my ass so I'm sure I'll never even go. So now I don't even have a beach house to go to and I am like livid. Plus the weather has changed here and I can't even lie by the pool so I'm totally going to lose my tan and that is not cute, you guys.

Chupacabras Aren't Scary

2007-11-01T19:55:00.000-05:00

So I have a new fan. His name is R. Isn't that hilarious? Like who ever heard of an initial? He's totally stalking me. Which is fine, I mean, what am I supposed to do? Everyone does. So anyway, he sent me a message about the Big Foot and he was going that the Big Foot doesn't really live in Austin so I don't need to worry about it. Which was awesome, right? I was totally feeling better, but then he goes, "You need to be worried about the Chupacabra." So I was thinking that's that holiday that Grandmamma and Grandpappa used to celebrate in December, right? With the socks and the gloves and the underpants for like a week! Well, R put a link on his message so I went and read about it, thinking it was going to be about candles or whatever that was that was burning for way longer than anyone thought. But NO! The Chupacabra is like an animal, but it's a alien and a kangaroo and maybe a dog or it could just be a hoax. So I was like, "Duh, R, that is not scary because when you go to the yootoob you can't even watch movies of it that are scary." Not like the Big Foot anyway. Do you think more than one Big Foot would be Big Feet? Or Big Foots? Now I'm going to be worried about that because I am a writer and it is super-important to be like accurate and concise.

Nature and Shit

2007-10-31T21:50:00.000-05:00

So ok, last night I was totally freaking out about that Big Foot thing and then I stayed up all night looking at the yootoob because there are little movies of the Big Foot all over there. So I've been freaking out and trying to avoid Gus because part of me wants to know about what happened when he saw the Big Foot but I'm sort of afraid to hear about it. So anyway, this morning, I was trying to sleep - and not! - and I heard some weird stuff outside, so I went out on the balcony and looked out and saw these fuckers sitting in a tree down by the lake. I was like, "WFT?" I've never seen those bats before. I mean like ever. I got Knute and I was like, "Look at those bats! I want one." Knute goes, "What is that?" So he got out some book with a bunch of pictures in it and found them. They are called caracara bats. They are kind of awesome. They fight alot and I should know because I watched them all day. See the whole idea of that Big Foot thing is just totally scary to me. Like I don't even want to leave my master suite at all. So I went downstairs a little while ago to see what was for dinner and someone rang at the gate, so I went to the security room and it was a bunch of little kids. So I was like, "That is awesome!" So I was going to go yell at them, but then Knute goes, "It's Halloween!" And I was like, "!" because I totally forgot. The Big Foot had me so wigged out that I totally didn't even think about that. So I was like, "Do we have candy?" So me and Knute went down to the gate and sat in some chairs and we were totally having a great time and then this kid in a gorilla suit came up and I was like, "WTF???!!!" So that totally ruined the whole night and I've been up here in my master suite since then. I'm so pissed.

W.T.F.?

2007-10-29T23:18:00.000-05:00

That is something called a big foot. I'd never even heard of that shit until last night, me and Gus and Knute were sitting down by the fire pit drinking absinthe and smoking some weed and Gus goes, totally out of the blue, "Lemme tell you about the time I seen a big foot." I was like, "I see a big foot every other Saturday when Mims puts her big flappers in the water at the vietnamese place." And Gus sort of looked at me funny and goes, "No, The Big Foot." And I was all, "She's got Two Big Feet." Then I was laughing really hard and Knute goes, "Big foot. Don't you know about Big foot?" And I was like, "no" So Knute goes to get my cute laptop and pulls up this fucking picture. I almost plotzed! (My grandmamma used to say that, I have no idea what it means, but it sounds super suprised!) Anyway, I was like, "W.T.F.???" And then Knute started telling me all these stories and I was like, "!!!" As you will recall, that means I am super-speechless. So anyway, there we were - totally sitting outside - and I started getting scared. So Gus tells this story about how he and a buddy were out hunting and they came around a bend by a river and one of those things was standing there. I was like, "No way!" And Gus was all, "Yes ma'am." It totally cracks me up when he calls me "ma'am" - I mean, I'm like not old enough to be a ma'am. That's like my mom or maybe Lupe was a ma'am before she died. I guess she's still a ma'am, I mean, it's not like it would change just because you're dead, right? Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yea, Gus and the Big Foot. So anyway, Gus is telling his story and I was sort of thinking about Lupe and then I guess I was trying to be all imaginative and whatever so I was trying to picture the Big Foot and then I don't know what happened, but I totally was in the house. I got scared, you guys! I think it was the absinthe or maybe that weed. Anyway, I totally became convinced that Big Foot was outside The Compound and I was all about to call 911 and Knute was like, "WTF are you doing?" I mean, he was outside talking through the sliding glass door because when I ran in, I locked the door behind me, so Knute and Gus were both standing on the verandah going, "Open the damn door!" I was like, "I am about to call the cops!" And Knute goes, "Absinthe and weed are not part of you plea bargain." Which is totally true, so I let them in and then I was like locking the doors and I turning on all the flood lights outside. Why do they call them "floodlights?" I'm thinking in a flood, lights are like the last thing you'd be worried about. Shouldn't they call them like, "Really big lights" or something? Plus, I'm pretty sure in a flood the electricity doesn't work, so you couldn't use them anyway, right?

So the whole Big Foot thing scares me still and I am mostly sober right now. I put a Bigfoot video on my myspace page because I'm thinking everyone needs to know about this crap. Go look at it!

I'm Great At Everything I Do

2007-10-27T23:26:00.000-05:00

Like could I have gotten more complaints about how I'm not writing enough? Like people, I am busy! Super busy. I don't always have time to write about how awesome everything is in my life. I bet a bunch of you are like worried when I don't write, right? whoa!

Ok, so here's what I was up to today. Me and Mims got pedis and then I was supposed to go see Erica for a haircute, but I got a terrible headache at the vietnamese place where we get out toes did. I'm pretty sure it's because I had to throw my Starbucks at the girl because she didn't already have my water drawn in the chair thingy. That's what she gets. Anyway, I probably needed that coffee because I had a terrible hangover. I don't know what I was thinking. Anyway, so I didn't go see Erica and now my hair isn't so cute, right now. I'll have to get her to cut it later on.

Here's the crazy part of the weekend: Mims showed up with a kid! A girl. I was like, "Who's that?" And Mims is like, "That's Clarence." I was all, "It's a boy?" And Mims goes, "No, stupid. She's a girl." So I'm all, "Well, who is she?" Turns out Mims and Thad have kids! I was like, "!!!" (that is like super-speechless!) because they actually have a whole nother one besides that one at the pedi place. Anyway, it was her birthday so she invited me to come to her birthday party - I was like, "I fucking guess!" I've been so totally boring lately that I can't even stand myself. So I was totally thinking a birthday party is like crazy and stuff, well, apparently not when its a birthday for an 8 year old. I mean, we weren't even that drunk. And the kids kept wanted to talk and I'd be like, "Please, get the fuck away from me. Can't you see I'm trying to drink here?" You would think those kids hadn't heard cussing before. Whatever, little prudes.

Some Awesome Stuff

2007-10-22T19:02:00.000-05:00

You know what's awesome? A Twice Baked Potato. I don't know why if you baked it once you would want to bake it again, but I don't even care! It's good. Gus made me one and it like tasty.

It's cold here today! Like finally! Good thing I bought all those cashmere sweaters, right? Katrinka was complaining today because of the weather and I was like, "Whatever, this is like perfect." Then she starts going on about how when she still lived in Russia, she lived on the steps. I don't know why they wouldn't let her in the house, but she was living on the porch or the stoop or something. When I asked her why she couldn't go in the house, she just looked at me like I was stupid. I guess it was not very nice to ask that, I mean, I bet she's mad about it. That is sad, you guys. I'm super glad I can give her a actual place to live that has walls and stuff because porch living sucks, big time. I would guess.

How To Be Awesome

Holy crap you guys!

It is hard to find things to write about all the time

This Economy Thing is Real Boring

Getting rid of stuff!

Do you know about this Facebook Thingy?

Wow, you guys! I've been all super busy and whatever!

Thanksgiving sucks

Thanksgiving or whatever

Rehab SUCKED!

ok...so

Wow!

Some stuff like Waff being a Lesbian Matchmaker

Holy crap, you guys!

Holy crap, you guys!

I have a new PA, you guys!

Rehab is like super-boring

Ok!

Stewing

SIGH

Depressed

Fuck me twice!

Well, Fuck Me.

Cheese and limes

It's so hard to be so awesome!

Today is Houseguest day!

Projects

WTF?!!?

What the hell is Earf Day?

Me and Rhett went to the ghetto. Not in Poland though.

Some More Stuff About DC

THIS IS NOT A MALL, PEOPLE

Crap!

Damn, you guys!

Hellow Hotness

STOP CALLING!

Man Magnet, for reals!

The funniest picture I've ever seen in my whole entire life

Don't eat monkeys, people!

Rules about underpants

Can you really have too many gays?

Wait, what? Part 2

Wait, what?

Could My Life Be More Boring?

Am I Done Blowing Your Mind? Not Even!

Mind Blowing Awesomeness

Bellgym is boring

My Castle Makes Me Feel Better

I can't even think of a title for this crap

GIANT SIGH

Crap!!!! For reals, you guys!

Like I'm gonna know what "live blogging" is!!!

What winter?

Valemtimes Day

Now I'm thinking about tacos!

I swear!

Eff! Eff! EFF!

**Correction**

Oww.

I hate thinking

Not even going

Ok, here's the thing...

I need a panda

Tequila, yes please!

Complaining

Yay!

Now I am SUPER-CONFUSED

Better!

BORING

Dammit!

2008 or whatever

*SIGH*

Effing EFF!!!

Holy Shit

Me

Sun Dried Tomatoes Make Me Furious

Boys

WHAT A WEEKEND, PEOPLE

Whoa!

Damn People!

Correction

SIGH